Cultivating the Virtues

Podcast #21: When Temperaments Clash!

2011-09-26T17:04:00.000-04:00

Check out the line up for our latest thrilling episode!

Situation of the Week (Jenn): Mutual Problem-Solving with a Babysitter

Topic: When Temperaments Clash! (begins 13:33)

Q & A: Is it effective for parents to play good cop/bad cop with their kids? If so, why? And if not, what do you think the root of parents playing these roles is? (begins 37:49)

Links: Books by Barbara Coloroso Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline and The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition)

Podcast Powered By Podbean

As always, thanks for listening, and thanks for your feedback! Email us or send us questions, we'd love to hear from you. Find us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter!

Podcast #20: Talking about Parenting Ideas with Your Kids

2011-09-12T18:36:00.000-04:00

We are happy to bring you yet another exciting episode of Cultivating the Virtues! This episode is a whole lot funnier than the others somehow. . . we laugh a lot. Yay!

Situation of the Week (Kelly): "Storming off in a museum because of a pottery disagreement" If you want that to make sense, you have to listen!

Topic: Talking about your parenting ideas and principles with your kids (begins 7:05)

Link: Parenting Principles at Rational Jenn

Q & A: When (if ever) should you intervene with other people's kids in public situations? (begins 24:24)

Podcast Powered By Podbean

As always, send us feedback and comments, we'd love to hear them! And send us questions, too.

Podcast #19: Let's Talk about Sex

2011-08-23T10:11:00.001-04:00

Okay, so we skipped putting out a podcast last week, so we're making up for it by posting a REALLY INTERESTING podcast this time. :D

Situation of the Week (Jenn): Teaching kids what to do instead of just fussing at them for making mistakes. Amazing how helpful that is.

Links: On Minilectures at Rational Jenn

Topic: Talking to your kids about sex. Yes, there is some explicit discussion here, so be aware of your surroundings when listening! (begins 6:02)

Links: It's Not the Stork: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends (The Family Library) and It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (The Family Library) (that's the book we couldn't remember the name of)

Q & A: What is the best way to deal with rude behavior that is not physically aggressive such as name-calling or sticking your tongue out, particularly in very young children? (begins 31:17)

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Please send us comments and feedback and give us more questions to answer in future podcasts! And thanks for listening!

Positive Discipline Toolbox: Applying Decide What You Will Do to Parenting

2011-08-09T13:04:00.001-04:00

(posted originally at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Yesterday, I wrote about how I applied the Decide What You Will Do tool to communication with other adults. Today, I would like to give some examples for how this tool is also useful with children.

As a quick review for those who didn't read the other post (though I can't imagine why they aren't following my blog as their most beloved task), Decide What You Will Do means realizing that you can't control the behavior of others and accepting the responsibility for your own behavior. It means sticking to the things you know are right, even when they don't cause others to immediate fall into line with all your plans. It is intimately connected with selfishness because deciding what you will do means looking at your own values and morals, deciding for yourself what will lead to your happiness, and doing that thing no matter what.

So how can this tool be used in parenting? The most important part, I think, is to recognize that you can't make children do a lot of things. You can't make them sleep, you can't make them eat, you can't make them learn, you can't make them stop crying, you can't make them pee or poop on cue. You can encourage them to do these things. You can make them so afraid of you that they will do these things just to avoid the consequences. But, if their little brains are completely set against the thing, you can't push a remote control button and make it happen.

Once a parent acknowledges that he doesn't have control over his children, he can focus on his own behavior and on creating an environment where children will learn to focus on theirs. Here are some ways I can imagine a parent using the Decide What You Will Do tool:

An infant is waking up in the night really often. Mom has tried everything; Dad has tried everything; Baby will not sleep more than 2 hours. Mom is feeling excessively angry about baby's demands. Mom can decide that she will get up with baby, but if she gets too angry, she will wake Dad to take over instead of yelling. (I wish I had done this one.)

8 month old baby refuses to take a bottle and will only take a few sips of breastmilk from a cup from Dad. Mom wants to go to chorus practice alone for 2 hours. Mom decides that she will go and sing, and the baby will have to take what's in the cup or wait 2 hours. (This is one I had to do. Note: I would have made a different decision if the baby was very young. Deciding what you will do must be used with the context of parent and child in mind.)

A toddler has a tantrum in the grocery store. Dad cannot make the kid stop screaming, but he can decide that every time this happens they will leave the store immediately. (Who hasn't done this one?)

A toddler with a new sibling has a potty regression. Mom might decide to clean the mess up without saying a word and giving the child extra time alone with Mom at others times during the day.

A five year old interrupts conversations and knows that if he needs attention, he can tap Dad's shoulder and wait for him to finish his thought. Dad might decide that he will ignore all inappropriate ways of getting his attention and only respond when tapped. He might decide to give reminders about the shoulder tap at other times before the child has interrupted.

While problem solving about going to the pool with an eight year old, the child storms away, and she refuses to talk about the problem. The parent might decide that he has expressed himself in the best way he can, that he can't make the child communicate, and that they will just not go back to the pool and encounter the problem again until it has been solved. (Very similar to the situation in my post yesterday about conflict with an adult.)

A teenager gets a couple of speeding tickets, and his parents decide that they are not comfortable with loaning him the car.

None of these examples is a rule. Parents will decide different things based on their values and the situations they are in. The commonality is that the parents recognize that they cannot control their child's behavior directly and can only control their own. They make decisions about what they are going to do, and they stick to it.

Sometimes the sticking to it can be kind of hard. When Livy was a volatile toddler (dude, you have no idea!), she had tantrums in public places pretty often. I decided that I wouldn't let her disrupt everyone, so every time she cried or screamed loudly, we went home. It was hard to leave a store I really wanted to go to or to leave a restaurant. But I did it.

The follow-through is important for two reasons. Children (and adults) learn whether or not to believe what you say about yourself by watching to see if you actually do it. And even more important, if you decide to do something and know it is right, not to follow through shows a lack of integrity. Doing what we know is right is not only good for our kids, but it is good for us, as all virtuous behavior is.

Podcast #18: Living an "Adult-Centered" vs a "Child-Centered" Life

2011-08-08T21:27:00.000-04:00

Look at that! Three weeks, three podcasts, woohoo!

Situation of the Week (Jenn): "If I scream, he wins." (It'll make sense when you listen!)

Topic: Living an "Adult-Centered" vs a "Child-Centered" Life (begins 8:48)

Link: "Child Friendly without being Child Centered" at Reepicheep's Coracle (Kelly's blog)

Q & A: How do you handle a parenting mistake when you realize you were unfair, but your child communicated his displeasure in an unacceptable manner (such as hitting or yelling)? (begins 27:38)

Link: "Parenting Toolbox: 3 Rs of Recovery" at Reepicheep's Coracle

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Enjoy! And please send us questions or email us your comments and feedback.

When Effective Communication Fails

2011-08-08T13:01:00.000-04:00

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

When Jenn and I teach our Effective Communication class for adults, we teach participants a script for sharing their feelings honestly and kindly, for listening to the feelings of their partner, friend, or co-worker, and for finding solutions that will work for both people. After the attendees practice this joint problem solving, we often get the question: What do you do when the person that you are communicating with doesn't know how to communicate effectively or won't? I had a recent experience that made the answer that we usually give more clear to me.

A friend and I had an argument. It started with a misunderstanding, which I escalated by making a snotty reply. I apologized for my nasty reply and started the communication process. After a few emails were exchanged, in which I explained my feelings, tried to get a grasp on his, and started groping around for a solution to heal our friendship and move on better than ever, he refused to talk about it anymore. He decided he isn't good at or comfortable with this kind of honest and personal communication and that he wasn't going to do it anymore.

This leaves our friendship at basically an acquaintanceship, since he's made it clear that we can't really talk about things that are important or difficult. This makes me super sad because he was a person I was really looking forward to knowing better over the years. I still feel angry (at least a little bit) and hurt because our situation never got resolved and never will be. Basically, as far as helping our relationship, this effort at communication was a big fail.

But I did what Jenn and I advise our class to do, when they want to know how to handle a person who doesn't want to communicate: I used a positive discipline tool card called Decide What You Will Do. The basic idea is that you cannot control other people; you cannot make them behave in the way you want, believe what you want, care about what you want. The only person whose behavior is really within my control is me. So, in a situation where the person I am communicating with is not responding the way I would like, all I can do is decide what I will do.

In my situation, I decided that I will continue to communicate my feelings honestly and openly, though I wasn't getting back exactly what I would like. I decided that I would tell this person what I really needed, though I was unlikely to get it. I decided that I would work toward reconciliation and understanding as long as the other person was willing to talk. And when he was no longer willing to communicate, I decided how much contact I was willing to have with him and on what level our relationship can exist.

By communicating my apology and my feelings and my desire to work through the problem, I actually gained a lot. I practiced my communication skills in a hard emotional situation. I clarified for myself exactly what I was upset about and what my needs were and ways I had contributed to the problem. I identified another instance of a mistake I make reasonably often (letting my temper flare when I feel upset without getting all the facts), and I am working hard to fix it. I got new information about a person that I needed to know (if someone doesn't want to deal with issues, we probably shouldn't be friends). And I get to be proud of my attempts to be virtuous, to handle problems rationally, to express myself honestly, and to work toward integrating my beliefs and my actions.

So really, this communication was not a failure. As long as I strive for good communication, deciding to do the things that I know are right and carrying them out, the process has worked for me, even if it doesn't always work for the relationship. I have been successful with the only part of the process that is in my control.

Positive Discipline Tool Card: Special Time

2011-08-03T12:59:00.001-04:00

(originally published on Reepicheep's Coracle)

First of all, let me say that the name of this card, Special Time, kind of makes me want to barf. I don't know why; perhaps one of my X chromosomes is damaged in some way. But I wish it was called "Do something cool together" or "Spend time with the people you love" or even the dreaded "Quality time." But when I can get past the name, I really love this card.

(You can find these cards here, and there's even an IPhone app. The cards are reminders of how many great tools are in our kits that we sometimes forget to use.)

The card says, "Schedule special time that is different from regular time. 1. Take the phone off the hook. 2. Take turns choosing an activity you both enjoy from a list you have brainstormed together. 3. Age guidelines: 2-6 years old - 10 min/day, 7-12 years old - at least 30 min/week, 13 and older - once a month something your teen can't resist."

I love this card because Livy and I are very different. We like to do different things a lot of the time, and though we spend A LOT of time together (ask any homeschooler just how much), it's not always doing something together (not just next to each other) that both of us just love. When we do this, I notice that we talk more, we argue less, and much less discipline is required because it's so easy to be respectful of each other.

I feel like the times might be kind of small, but if I worked away from Livy and if I had lots of kids, maybe I would see that differently.

So what does this have to do with discipline, you may ask? I touched on this above; when we are all filled up with loving each other, we get along better. We have fewer arguments to problem solve about, and we are more willing to help each other with chores and problems.

Focused time for us to be together prevents either of us from feeling left out or overlooked. A lot of poor behavior can spring from the desire to get noticed, to get some attention; check out my post on the Mistaken Goal chart. And not just Livy's behavior either. When I feel left out of her life and like we are growing apart, I get snarky and bossy. This card helps me too! As all positive discipline tools do!

Finally, this card improves discipline because so much of positive discipline has to do with joint problem solving and effective communication. Much of what we do boils down to:

I feel ______ because ________, and I wish ______, followed by trying to find mutually agreeable solutions. Why on earth should either of us listen to the other or care about the other's feelings if we aren't feeling close? I don't stop and use effective communication on random loiterers in the street. If I want this kind of problem solving to work, we have to be highly invested in each other's happiness and moral development.

So what do we do for this special time? Livy loves to fall asleep in my bed at night, and that's a great special time for us. We get all cuddled up, and she just drifts off as we watch a movie or as Aaron and I chat. We go to Whitewater together and do waterslides. We play games, like Yahtzee or Skip-bo. We listen to audiobooks together. And I make sure to let Livy know that these times are really important to me; time spent with her is essential to my happiness, and I want her to know it.

A picture of Livy falling asleep on me, one of the activities both of us love that makes us feel super connected.

Podcast #17: Brainstorming a Parenting Problem

2011-08-01T14:43:00.000-04:00

Yay! Another episode! Please forgive the buzzing in the background; we're trying to figure it out.

Situation of the Week: Handling problems among children when some of the children are ignoring another

Topic: Brainstorming Parenting Problems--Kelly and Jenn discuss a problem that Kelly is having and come up with some solutions together (begins 6:01)

Q & A: What should you do when other people try to force their kids to share or give stuff to your kids? (begins 21:11)

We hope you enjoy this episode!

You can listen here, or download from our podcast site.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Send feedback and comments to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. And send your questions for our Q & A section to our Google Moderator page.

Podcast #16: Our Favorite Books for Kids

2011-07-25T12:47:00.000-04:00

Hey there! We're back and recording lots of podcasts this summer, woohoo!

Astute listeners will have noticed that we've skipped ahead a bit in our numbering. We have not published podcasts 14 and 15 yet due to some technical issues, but we put them up as soon as we can. Rather than put everything on hold to get those other podcasts up, we decided to forge on ahead and get some new podcasts out there. We trust you won't mind TOO much if the publication goes out of order.

The line up this time:

Situation of the Week (Kelly): Dealing with a fear that you and your child share, and getting back on the horse!

Topic (begins 5:50): Our favorite books for kids (and yes, we'll link them all below)

Q & A (begins 30:43): What were some of the factors in our decision to homeschool our children?

Thanks for listening! We'd love your feedback at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com, and more questions for our Q & A at the Google Moderator page we've set up.

You can listen here, or go to our Podbean website (or iTunes).

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Here are the books we discussed in the podcast (the links are through our Amazon Associates account, so we might get a couple of cents if you click through and purchase, so please do!):

Babies through PreK

Sandra Boynton (Blue Hat Green Hat)
Hand Hand Fingers Thumb
I Spy
Richard Scarry (Cars and Trucks and Things That Go)
Byron Barton (Boats, Trains, Planes, Trucks)
The Carrot Seed

Elementary ages

Ox-Cart Man
Little House on the Prairie (series and audiobooks)
Will's Quill
Robert Louis Stevenson poetry (A Child's Garden of Verses)
Charlotte's Web
Hiawatha
If You Give a Pig a Pancake
Bob Books
Grimm's Fairy Tales
James Herriot's Treasury for Children: Warm and Joyful Tales by the Author of All Creatures Great and Small

Kids of all ages

Harry Potter (and audiobooks)
Ender's Game
D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths
Geraldine McCaughrean (The Odyssey, Black Ships Before Troy, God's People)
Childhood of Famous Americans series
Percy Jackson series
The Kane Chronicles
Narnia series
The Lord of the Rings
The Hobbit

By no means an exhaustive list! Do you have any to add? Leave them in the comments! :D

Guilt About Traveling Without Livy

2011-07-25T10:58:00.000-04:00

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

I am immersed in Mommy Guilt. For those of you who have experienced it, you know that it's worse than anything, even ginormous spiders. All good parents want to do what's best for their children, want to give them everything in our power, want to be a really great parent. And when I have doubts about a decision I am making about Livy, that's when I feel this awful pressing weight of guilt.

Here's the situation:

I am planning a 3 week trip to either England or to Turkey and Greece. Aaron gave me a trip for my 30th birthday, and we haven't ever gotten around to using it. This Christmas break is the time! Yippee! They thing is, I don't want to take Livy with us for the following reasons:

1. It will be romantic and awesome to go with just Aaron.

2. I don't think Livy will be very happy poking through museums, tons of ruins, literary sites for people she's never heard of, etc.

3. I don't really want to change my trip around to make it child-friendly.

4. It adds extra expense, which would have to come out of some other part of the trip budget.

The problem is that Livy, of course, wants to go. I worked it out with her, and we are planning a shorter birthday trip with her to Las Vegas, which I think she will absolutely love (and so will we, without changing the trip up too much) instead of a party. She isn't happy about missing out on our foreign trip, but that part is settled pretty well.

What isn't settled is my feeling that "good parents take their kids with them on foreign adventures." I feel like I am denying her a really neat homeschooling experience, and I am not meeting the ideal of the educated and well-traveled family.

My mom, correctly I think, tells me that it is impractical and a little ridiculous to even think about taking Livy on this trip. She would hate it at least a large part of the time, and we would not have as good a time. It would be a colossal waste of money, and there will be plenty of time for Livy to travel when she is a little older and when our interests align a little better.

But I still feel (at least part of me feels) that I am being a terrible mom. Shouldn't I want to take my darling with me on an adventure? Shouldn't I want to change the trip around and make it the kind of trip we could enjoy together? Shouldn't I think leaving her for three weeks is too much for me and especially over Christmas?

The truth is that I don't want to take her, don't want to change the trip, and think both of us will be fine (though we'll miss each other) for three weeks. So here are the things I am going to think about when unreasonable mommy guilt punches me in the stomach:

1. Normal child development does not require a trip to Europe. Livy can grow up to be smart, well-informed, and not provincial without taking this trip.

2. I did not go to Europe as an 8 year old, and it didn't turn me into a WWF fan whose favorite vacation is to a NASCAR race or to the world's biggest ball of twine.

3. Because Livy is almost 8, it is likely that she will have years and years to go to Europe after I am dead and buried. Now is my only freaking time.

4. It's not only okay, but good, to be selfish about pursuing my own values. I want to look at musty old books, portraits of people she's never heard of, and architecture she doesn't care about. I shouldn't have to give up those values.

5. Moms come in a lot of different packages. Just because I am not the kind that enjoys vacations more through the eyes of their children doesn't mean I am not a good one. I have many mom qualities that make me stellar, like my very high fun quotient, that aren't a part of the traditional mom image.

6. My relationship with Aaron is super important, and it's a good thing that I want to do things alone with him. Not only is it essential to my happiness, it's a rocking good example for Livy for when she has a romantic partner one day.

So, the bottom line is, I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I know I am doing what is best for me and not harmful to Livy. And yet the parenting ideal of taking the children everywhere and educating them with travel is hard for me to shake.

A Funny Livy Story

2011-07-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Yesterday, Aaron, Livy, and I had dinner with Jenn, Brendan, Ryan, Morgan, and Sean. When we were getting in the cars to leave, Jenn said, "Have fun in Nashville!" to me. (Aaron and I are doing a super fun getaway together this weekend!) Livy overheard this comment.

L: "Mom, what is Nashville?"

Me: "It's a city in Tennessee. We went there together a couple of times. Remember the place where we saw the Parthenon with that ginormous statue of Athena and went to the Opryland Hotel with the river inside?"

L: "Yes."

Me: "Well, Aaron and I are going there this weekend."

At this point, Livy started to cry. I thought, as you probably do, that Livy was sad because she wasn't going to get to go with us. I was preparing in my head to give a big rousing speech about how everyone needs time alone with people they love, about the time Livy and I spend alone, etc.

L: (Crying loudly.) "Why can't you ever go on vacation while I am at my Dad's house?"

Me: (Thoroughly confused.) "We are. Just Aaron and I are going to Nashville. You will be at your dad's the whole time."

L: (Looking much relieved.) "Oh, good. I just want to stay home forever. We take too many vacations. Let's just stay home from now on, okay?"

I'm posting this story so that my readers can get a better sense of who Livy is. She is, in many ways, the anti-Kelly. I want to go everywhere all the time. And if people do things without me, it takes all my restraint and good principles not to actively wish that they are having a terrible time. All the fun in the world should happen when I am present. :)

Livy, on the other hand, likes a more low-key life. She likes to be at home, to work on her projects, to watch shows she likes, to go to her friends' houses, to sleep in her own bed. And apparently, she couldn't care less if other people are off having fun without her, as long as she is content at home while they do it.

One more piece of evidence for me to use to understand the introverts in my life. Weird folk, but beloved, so I keep on trying. :)

There's no particular reason to post this photo, except it's extreme cuteness. Livy is in the middle, with two of her friends. The kid on the right is Morgan, Jenn's daughter. The one the left is Zara, an awesome-sauce kid from our homeschool co-op, whose fashion sense is a constant source of delight to me. If I was really secure enough to not care what people thought of me, I would dress just like Zara.

An Instance of Problem-Solving Between Parent and Child

2011-04-18T08:50:00.001-04:00

(This post was originally published by Kelly at Reepicheep's Coracle.)

For the past few months, Livy has been shutting her door when she is alone in her room, playing or watching TV. I have always knocked and waited for an answer before I come in because that seemed respectful and kind. Lately, I have been getting the answer, "What?" when I knock.

I was bothered by this because it just sounds so cold. "What?" Not, "Yes?" or "Come in." I was starting to get super irritated by how rude this sounded, and it hurt my feelings a little because it felt like my presence was irritating to Livy and causing her to be rude.

Finally, I talked with her about it. I said, "Could you say something else when I knock on your door? 'What?' sounds very rude to me, and I'd like you to answer in some more polite way, like "Yes?" or "Come in." This didn't sound like a very big request to me.

Well, it was. She started to cry and said that she didn't want to say any other words but "What?" She said that she wasn't trying to be rude and that she didn't want to talk about this anymore EVER.

I pulled her into my lap and comforted her in her obvious distress. "We have a problem. We have to talk about. Do you need a break before we talk about it anymore?" No, she didn't want a break. Her attitude seemed to be that if we had to talk about this, we might as well get it over with. :)

I told her about how "What?" hurt my feelings because it seemed she never wanted me to come in. She cried more and told me that she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but she did not want to say any other words. She seemed adamant about not accepting any of my alternatives for "What?", and to this day, I have no idea why.

So I said, "I don't know what to do about this situation. I don't want to have my feelings hurt every time I knock. You don't want to say any words except the ones that sound rude. Do you just want me not to knock?"

At this, Livy brightened right up. She thought this was an excellent idea. I learned that really she didn't like to be interrupted by my knocking and her having to give an answer. If I just come in, she has a second to finish her thought, pause her movie, put her Lego in place, close her circuit, whatever, and then she doesn't feel like she loses her train of thought. She wasn't closing her door to have privacy; she told me that I can come in anytime I want and she'll never mind. She added that she never, ever wanted to talk about this again. Apparently what to say when someone knocks on your door is traumatic. :) I told her that we might want to talk about it again when she is older or if our plan doesn't work, but that for right now, we can drop the subject entirely.

The plan has been working: I have been walking right in, and she has been perfectly happy about it. I don't feel hurt by rudeness, she doesn't feel interrupted, and we understand each other a little bit better.

An Update on the Parenting and Education of Livy

2011-02-24T10:17:00.001-05:00

(Originally posted by Kelly at Reepicheep's Coracle)

It's been a while since I have written much about parenting or homeschooling (unless it is about my own worries). I don't write a lot about parenting because it doesn't take so much energy anymore. Livy is easy to get along with and pretty self-sufficient, and though we talk about things and I share information with her, it feels much less like active, constant parenting. It feels more like hanging out with her, being a model for her, and working through problems together. It feels like a real relationship with a person instead of a teaching and limiting role, like it did much earlier. Not that she doesn't need a limit set sometimes, but it's less of a teaching thing and more like the limits I might set with anyone else. "Here is what I am going to do." Or "Please stop that. It affects me in such and such a way."

I also tend to talk less about parenting because the situations in which Livy does need my guidance are often private. She doesn't have fits anymore about not getting what she wants; she has emotional issues about her relationships, her plans for herself, her fears, etc. These aren't conversations that belong on my blog.

When I do post, it's often about my own issues. I've found that when I behave myself appropriately (listen, empathize, be selfish, etc), most of our problems go away. She's such an easy-going child, and I'm sometimes kind of a challenge to live with. Like my relationship with Aaron, my relationship with Livy is usually as easy, happy, and positive as I make it. I'm the wild card. So when I think about problems with homeschooling, it's my worries that I write about. When I think about problems that have arisen at home, it's usually my too-hot temper that caused them.

I don't post a lot about education because for us, it looks so relaxed and so leisurely and so all over the place that I sometimes can't make a coherent post about it. We read, we play, we watch movies, we go places, we have conversations. But those things don't always look like traditional education. Were my posts about our Texas trip education posts? I don't know, but the trip involved learning for each member of our family. It's hard for us as life-learners to pull the education piece of our lives free of all the other pieces, and so it's hard to post about it. I'm just going to try to list some of her current interests and activities and how she and I are fulfilling them. That may be the best I can do for an educational post.

She just finished a Lego project she has been working on since Christmas, a model of the Burrow, the house of the Weasley family, in Harry Potter. She did it completely by herself, following all the instructions in the manual. She really seems to enjoy this kind of detail work, and she took some of it apart several times when she discovered a mistake. Next, she wants to try the Hogwarts model.
She is learning and practicing making different kind of balloon animals. So far dogs, poodles, coiled snakes, dinosaurs, and giraffes.
She is watching lots of movies, like Strawberry Shortcake, Johnny Test, Scooby Doo, the Narnia movies (we saw the newest on in the theater), and Harry Potter.
We watched all of the Gilmore Girls together, and she watches some of the episodes of 24 with Aaron and me.
We are listening to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
We have been playing a lot of games, like Labyrinth and Outburst.
She has been taking chess at our homeschool co-op, and she loves it! Must get Aaron to play with her more often. I hate it.
She has also been taking American Sign Language from Miranda at the same co-op, and she loves it even more. She constantly makes up new signs and shows me the ones she learned in class.
She and her friends the Casey kids have invented a battle game based on a video game she loves called Halo. They play it a lot.
She likes to cook and makes eggs by herself all the time. I think she enjoys the independence and the eggs.
She is interested in (and very good at) cleaning and has mentioned starting a cleaning business when she is "a very young adult."
She has been making business ideas a lot lately, and with my help, has narrowed it down to car washing at Roberts school, making balloon animals for kids at Roberts school, or doing cleaning chores for money. I'm not sure if she will follow through on these ideas; she may just be playing with them in her head. She still isn't super interested in money.
She is taking sewing lessons from our friend Melissa. They have chosen a pattern for a dress for Livy and bought fabric and notions. Next lesson they begin the process (mysterious to me).
Livy has expressed interest in going to some concerts. We REALLY like the Dixie Chicks, so that would be ideal, but I am going to look for other things the two of us might enjoy.
Livy wants to go dancing with me, so I am trying to figure out how you could do that with a child. She can't go to clubs (more's the pity), but where can kids just dance and not do classes?
As a family, we have been watching lots of documentaries on human evolution and the Space Race.
Livy enjoys socializing with her 4 closest friends. She likes to see them most days, though she likes to have alone time in between. She also enjoys the kids at co-op, but she likes to be in large groups much more rarely. She was talking to me about how she likes being with people in small groups best of all and how she likes to be alone the whole morning.
We talked on our vacation about doing a tour of Southern zoos because we both like to see animals very much.
Livy photographed every second of our Texas trip with her new camera, and she has expressed interest in doing a photo collection of nature pictures to turn in at the Nature Exchange at the Chattahoochee Nature Center.
This spring, she will be taking her first horseback riding lessons.
The snow and ice prompted an interest in ice skating, so we'll have to do that soon.
Livy has shown interest in my Crossfit training, and she wants to get involved in a Crossfit kids or a similar kind of program eventually.
She plays the keyboard sometimes and plays around with songs she learned in her class.
She plays video games with her super-cool babysitter Miranda and at her dad's house. She and Miranda play some iteration of Super Mario, and I'm not sure what she plays at her dad's, except for Gears of War, which she tells me about in all the gory details.
She loves to work mazes, find words in word searches, and decipher codes. She also likes WordUp (kind of boggle) on Aaron's fancy phone.
She has talked about wanting to do gymnastics again, but I'm not sure if that will last.
She is quite a knowledgeable gardener (more so than many adults I know) and wants to have her own separate plot this year to grow veggies and flowers.
We love to visit the Tellus Science Museum, Fernbank Museum of Natural History, Zoo Atlanta, and the Atlanta Botanical Gardens. We have memberships to these places, so we go as often as we like.

Okay, I think that may be it. I was surprised at the number of her interests when I wrote them all out. And some of them were good reminders to help her set some of these things up. Now you have a better idea of what Livy does with her time and the direction in which her education is headed right now.

Parenting Kids Through Difficult Choices

2011-02-24T10:14:00.002-05:00

(orginally published by Kelly at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Not long ago on OGrownups, there was a discussion about a blog post that Katie Granju wrote about making a choice for her son when he asked her to. Little did I know that Livy apparently reads OGrownups and gets ideas for new ways to behave. :) In no time flat, we faced the same kind of situation in my house, twice in a 24 hour period.

The first incident was about whether we should go to the Fernbank Museum of Natural History on Saturday or have a friend come over to do a sewing lesson with Livy. I was completely neutral about my part in these things. As neither were better or worse for me, I told her that she could choose which one she would rather do.

"Which one do you think I should do, Mom?"

"I think you should do the one that you want to do the most."

"Yeah, but which one is that?"

"Only you can know that, sweetie."

Skip ahead to tears, rolling about on the bad in apparent agony, and much pleading. Finally, she asked, "Why won't you decide for me?"

"I don't make decisions for you because I don't want to boss you. I want you to control your own life and make your own choices, so that you will grow up to be a really good decider."

"But it's not bossing me, if I tell you to boss me."

"It's not just about you, Livy. It's about me. I don't think it's okay to boss people, and so I don't want to do a wrong thing. I can help you think about your choice, but I will not make it for you."

The second please-boss-me event was the next day when she had to choose which princess dress to wear to a friend's birthday party. She pulled out the choices, tried them all on for me, and then asked me to pick. I reminded her that I wasn't going to make choices for her, and I helped her think through the dress choice: Which is prettiest? Which color do you like the most? Which is most comfortable? Which will the birthday girl like the most at her party? Etc. Etc. for a long time.

She wasn't any happier this time when I refused to make up her mind for her than she was the first time. Again tears and gnashing of teeth. Why would I not just tell her, you may be wondering. Is it really so important a principle to make me endure all this crying? Yes, I think it is.

Choices between two good things are the toughest kind of choices. We want them both; both would have good results. How on earth do we pick? We examine our values hierarchies and try to tease out which choice fits best with our long term best interests. This is a hard skill, and I want Livy to learn it.

The other reason I didn't give concerns what I do not want her to learn in this situation. I don't want her to learn that when we are faced with hard choices, we look to others for a final decisions. We may look to them for advice, for help with problem-solving, or for a sounding board, but we do not relinquish our independence. Each person must accept responsibility for that moment of final choice.

I also don't want her to learn that it is okay to accept responsibility for someone else's decisions. I strive to be a model of virtuous behavior for her, and I, by refusing to stand in for her independent judgment, show her the proper role of an advisor, friend, parent, or spouse. I don't want her to grow up to be the kind of person who accepts the responsibility for other people's decisions.

Lest someone think that I would never enforce my authority in Livy's decision-making, I'll add this. I do make final choices for Livy very occasionally. I hold final say on decisions that endanger life, limb (in a serious way), or other people's rights. But those kinds of decisions are very, very rare. Other than those cases, I advise, counsel, help, and then stay out of the way of Livy's independent judgment. Even when she asks.

Mini-Podcast: SnowCon Preview

2011-02-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

As you may know, Kelly and Jenn will be giving a talk at Front Range Objectivism's SnowCon on March 12. We recorded a mini-podcast as a preview of our talk "Effective Communication: How Objectivists can Use Positive Discipline Tools in their Adult Relationships." We will be giving this talk at ATLOSCon, too.

Give it a listen! And we hope to see you at SnowCon!

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Podcast 13: A Glimpse Into the Relationships of Parents and Their Young Adult Children

2011-02-08T17:05:00.001-05:00

We're pleased to present the 13th episode at long last! Please know that we are aware of some technical issues--Kelly has a lot of static on her mic, but believe us when we say that it was much worse before Brendan got a hold of the files! Please bear with us while we work through some of these issues (which will likely exist on the next podcast, too, since we recorded them at the same time).

Situation of the Week (Jenn): Helping a toddler cope with fears and enjoying his self-awareness

Topic: A view of what it's like to be the parent of a young adult (begins 7:06)

Q & A: Does parenting involve sacrifice? (begins 20:09)

As always, feel free to send questions, suggestions, and critiques to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. And we have a new place for you to send questions for future podcasts: check out our Google Moderator page. Please add your own questions and vote for existing questions that you like.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Cultivating the Virtues Q&A

2011-01-25T10:03:00.001-05:00

Jenn and I need more questions! We want to hear from YOU! (Imagine a picture of me wearing that Uncle Sam suit and pointing right at you menacingly.) So, Jenn, the good fairy of technical operations, made us a Google Moderator question box thingy. So please ask us stuff. We love to get feedback and know that people are listening and thinking about our ideas. And we want to answer your real life questions!

Jenn writes, "So is there something you've been wondering about Positive Discipline or Objectivism? Is there a specific challenge you are trying to handle with your own kid that you'd like another Mommy Opinion about? Do you think we are really off-base with all of this non-punitive discipline stuff and want to challenge us? Well then, please head over to our question page and ask us! And vote up good questions from others, too."

Podcast #12: The Nature of Children

2010-11-12T11:03:00.002-05:00

And we're back! Our longish break from publishing podcasts was mostly unintentional, though once it became clear we would be taking some time off, I suppose we could have written a post to let everyone know. Basically, we just got busy pursuing other values in our lives--grad school, homeschool, vacations, etc. But we missed podcasting, and we have more coming soon, hopefully on a semi-regular basis. Yay!

The Line Up

Situation of the Week (Jenn): How Jenn handled an ongoing issue with kids not cooperating and being rude (it has to do with going to the pool, so you can tell this was recorded in the summer!)

Topic: The Nature of Children (begins 8:59)

Q & A: When did we start using PD with our kids? (begins 32:39)

Most of what we discuss in the Topic section is based on a post written by Kelly called "The Nature of Children." So don't miss that post!

Thanks for listening!

link test

Parenting Principles

2010-09-23T12:13:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

A recent thread on OGrownups about getting a toddler to take a nap or rest time in the afternoon got me thinking. And evidently, writing. I did not start out to write a huge post at all. I wanted to write down a few thoughts and the next thing I knew . . . !

Anyway, there were lots of suggestions on the thread for handling this particular issue, and some very interesting insightful comments, too.

Insightful Comment #1 from the parent who had been having the nap time troubles (my emphasis):

This transition will take time. My son isn't going to go from being a napper to a quiet-time-taker overnight. Just because we have changed the name and relieved him of the pressure to sleep doesn't mean his new routine will flow just as easily as the name change. As long as we are consistent with the routine he will get the hang of it. In the meantime, we will have to deal with some tears and resistance regarding the quiet time, but it will pass! I am starting to think that transition periods are actually what is most exhausting about parenting.

Insightful Comment #2 from the other parent (again, my emphasis):

In all seriousness, there are many issues packed into this scenario and I think K [another poster on the thread] and Jenn have hit the nail on the head: the "fix it" solutions will always remain impossible. N and I have talked about this before, and that is that establishing for yourself certain concrete and specific *expectations* is the extent to which you will be frustrated -- especially in the not-so-neat-and-tidy task of childrearing.

As a passing thought, I think a particular challenge is applying the clear-cut, black and white, principles of anything -- whether it's as broad as philosophy or as specific as parenting, diet, or personal productivity -- to the untidy and unpredictable nature of everyday life.

I absolutely agree, and I think they both have hit on something key, something I have worked very hard to establish in my parenting--the need for principles.

Ayn Rand wrote in "The Anatomy of Compromise" in Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal:

It is only by means of principles that one can set one’s long-range goals and evaluate the concrete alternatives of any given moment. It is only principles that enable a man to plan his future and to achieve it.

And in "Credibility and Polarization" in The Ayn Rand Letter:

Concrete problems cannot even be grasped, let alone judged or solved, without reference to abstract principles.

(both quotations found via the online Lexicon)

Parenting is no exception.

When you are in a stressful, unhappy transition period--outgrowing naps or new baby or tough time at school or (I can imagine) a teen trying to separate and establish more independence--that's when your principles are most needed. They are the foundation you can use for current and future decisions.

I have worked hard to explicitly ground my parenting principles in Objectivism, beginning with the end in mind. The end of parenting, the goal, is to have the kid grow up and be happy. How can he be happy? He needs to be virtuous. How can he learn about the virtues? I think he learns through first-hand experience as he grows up, and he learns with the guidance of Mom and Dad and other adults in his life, too. Another equally important goal of parenting is to be virtuous myself along the way.

Because of this, I have rejected some of the parenting principles by which I was raised. Most notably, I was expected to obey my parents and obey the Catholic god. My happiness was irrelevant. I was to be honest and have integrity, for example, not because they would lead to my own personal happiness, but because I had been commanded by God so I could be happy in another universe. It was the job of my parents to ensure that I learned how to be virtuous according to their standard, and that meant I must obey them.

Another principle I have rejected is punishment and reward-based parenting. I won't go into too many details here, but I will say that it took me years to overcome self-esteem issues and bad premises that were a direct result of fearing punishment or desiring a reward. My attention was on the punishment or reward, and I modified my behavior accordingly. I did not learn to modify my behavior (or internal monologue) to do right because it was the right thing to do, because I wanted to be moral, because I wanted to be happy, until adulthood. It wasn't until my late 20s/early 30s that I got myself corrected for the most part and was able to head my own life in the right direction.

A quick example, a concrete--the punishment for lying in my house was spanking. Because I did not want to be spanked, this is what I learned to do: I learned to lie with a straight face. I learned to be sneaky. I learned that it's best to admit a mistake right away to give my parents the appearance of being an honest kid, to manipulate their trust in me. I learned to lie judiciously and rarely, because if I got caught, I wanted it to be a rare occurrence.

I did NOT learn to be honest.

I was a "good kid" by any one's standards, and didn't get into too much trouble. It took me YEARS to learn how to be honest with myself, to admit truth for what it is, to break myself of the habit of lying and the fear of punishment. I had no real idea that being honest would be beneficial to me.

(And also I would like to state for the record that I believe my parents both love me very much, and were doing the best they could according to their principles. Their principles are very, very different from mine; but I had a fairly typical upbringing. They were not abusive or over-the-top.)

Okay, so those are principles I've rejected. What have I adopted instead? I've written about them elsewhere, but I'll summarize:

I set as few limits as possible, and when I do set a limit, I use the "Life, Limb, and Property" principle. By setting limits according to individual rights, the kids are learning about individual rights.

I set limits for rational reasons, and if I can't think of a good reason to say 'no' then I Err on the Side of Freedom, and let the consequences (good or bad) fall where they may. By doing this, my kids (and I!) have explored the limits of what they're capable of accomplishing (often to my delight and surprise) and they learn that sometimes, Mom's got good information about reality that might be useful, and they learn to make rational decisions for themselves in the future.

I generally only set limits after the child has demonstrated through his behavior that the limit is necessary. Limits vary individually (see this example of a limit that applies only to Ryan in our house). Sometimes I anticipate limits (such as holding my toddler's hand in a parking lot), but it's rare that I set them with my older children ahead of time.

I enforce necessary limits in the most respectful way I can. I empathize with their feelings, and help them learn coping skills. I respect the fact that they are young human beings with developing rational faculties, and so I cannot expect obedience or "because I said so" to be good enough for them, even when they can't truly understand my reasons fully.

I have confidence in them, in their ability to one day grasp my reasons for limit-setting. Because I know they will "get it" one day, I explain my reasons every single time--because I cannot know just when the message will finally sink in, and because I want them to realize that when I must make them do something that it's not because arbitrary consequences rain down from the sky or an authority--it's because I'm trying to protect other people's rights.

I problem-solve with them, so that they learn skills for use now and in the future. I expect them to problem-solve with me and not make unreasonable demands. When they make unreasonable demands (and they do, all the time), I insist on proper problem-solving. They learn how to deal with other people rationally through this first-hand experience. They learn that reason--not force--is the way to deal with others, and that mutually agreed-upon decisions often lead to happiness.

Each of these principles (and the above only pertain to discipline issues; there are more) is grounded in Objectivist principles as well as my understanding of child development. Also, they are grounded in some underlying premises which include:

Kids will understand things better if they can experience them first-handedly. Which method would help someone understand addition more effectively? Me providing a list of addition problems and solutions, or me explaining the idea, demonstrating it by using blocks or some other concrete, showing them the notation and how to work it, and then leaving the kid to try some problems on his own? (I do not subscribe to the Dolores Umbridge philosophy of education.) I think the same goes for the virtues. If I tell one of the kids "productive work is fun" it's less effective in getting them to understand that than if I demonstrate my own enjoyment of productive work, talk about my feelings about it and let them pursue productive work independently, which they love.

I reject the idea that if left to their own devices, kids will more often than not make bad choices. My kids make bad choices and good choices (so do I). But the percentage is certainly not skewed toward the bad. I think many parents set limits prematurely (I've done this, too) because they think that if they don't set the limit, then little Johnny will probably do the wrong thing. (I think this is a left over idea from the doctrine of Original Sin.) That's often not the case, and if nobody is going to be irreparably harmed or have rights violated, then letting little Johnny experience what happens when he makes a wrong choice is an effective teaching tool (see premise above). Also, if we never give them the chance to make good choices, how will they learn what that feels like?

I believe that The Limit's the Thing. I think kids will figure out what they are supposed to learn by experiencing the natural consequences or by having a limit enforced. I do not think they will learn not to lie or hit people or throw toys any more efficiently or effectively if a punishment is added to the limit-setting or natural consequence. I do not think they will want to work harder on their studies or learn new skills quicker if I entice them rewards.

I also believe that children generally want to learn grownup things and do grownup activities and, well, become grownups. No typically developing 18 year old is going to want to play with baby toys. They are watching and learning all the time, because they want to be like us.

I take their current stage of development and temperament traits as metaphysically given. That might change later, but if my kid being really sensitive to loud noises right now, then I will work with that, help him cope with that stimulation, and problem-solve. I will not try to stop him from being unusually sensitive to loud noises (I've tried that and it's futile, causes stress, and I think perhaps makes the child feel rejected). If my child is a toddler, I will not expect him to have the patience, self-control, or understanding of an 8 year old.

My children do not owe me anything simply because I brought them into existence. They do not owe me respect (Honor Thy Mother and Thy Father) or obedience or elder care. While we are living together, we will work to solve problems together, in a rational, respectful way, so that we can all make this time together as pleasant as possible. But they do not owe me love or anything. When they are legally free of my guardianship, I certainly hope that we continue a happy and fun relationship. I parent the way I do now partly because I think it helps establish that future relationship (as Kelly wrote on OG recently), but our future relationship--which will be mutual--is a secondary parenting goal, not the primary (which is to help them learn the virtues and be virtuous myself while doing it). In fact, if I've been virtuous myself and stuck to my principles, then I will be happy with my part in the process, even if they choose not to maintain a relationship with me in the future. Like I said, I really don't want that to happen, as I think each of my kids interesting and fun and smart and neat to know, but it's a possibility I've faced, a risk I've accepted.

I'm not sure I've identified all of my premises yet, so there might be more later.

When I encounter a particularly perplexing discipline challenge or stage of development, I can and have used those discipline principles above over and over again to help me decide what to do. I choose to use Positive Discipline because those principles align with my parenting principles.

While I cannot say just exactly how I will handle an issue with a tween or teen or even an issue with an adult child--because I haven't yet reached those stages in my parenting career--I can say that I will continue to use my principles to handle issues. If I can't think of a good reason to say 'no' to my teenager wanting to do something I don't particularly like (but which doesn't violate rights or is likely to cause the kid irreparable harm), then I will say 'yes.' I will still continue to insist on problem-solving and respectful communication as the way we can solve problems. Will they always do it? No--they don't do it now (but then again, neither do I). But we will work through those times pretty much the same way we do now.

That's the beauty of having good solid principles--I don't need to know the answer to every single problem ahead of time. I can face issues as they come and use my principles (based on the philosophy I'm trying to live and I hope my children will choose) as a framework for dealing with them. If I continually bump up against my principles, if evidence comes out that contradicts something, then I will need to re-evaluate them. I don't anticipate making any major changes to my parenting principles (whether discipline or non-discipline-related), but I will do so if necessary.

The PD tools I write about and teach classes about are tools that help me stick to my parenting principles. (PD or "gentle discipline" advocates sometimes refer to this type of parenting as a philosophy, but they don't mean 'philosophy' in quite the same way I do when I think about Objectivism as a philosophy. I'm not sure exactly what I'd call it. It's a specific set of principles based on certain premises, certainly, but not an all-encompassing Metaphysics-Epistemology-Ethics-Politics philosophy of life. Probably I am tired and have been working on this post for too long.)

I use and teach PD because it is the best set of parenting ideas (both concrete and abstract) that is out there that fits my own philosophy and principles. I sometimes wonder if I'm misunderstood. I am not a Positive Discipline parent--I am an Objectivist parent who uses Positive Discipline ideas and tools. (And there are lots of parents out there who are not Objectivists who use Positive Discipline presumably because it fits well with their own principles.) And of course I'd love it if everyone used PD, but I'd also love it if everyone became an Objectivist. :o)

So that was way long, and I apologize, but what I wanted to drive at is this question: What are your parenting principles and premises? Do you have them spelled out, and if so, would you like to share? If you disagree with the principles and premises, then I'd love to know why (because I'd really like to know if I'm horribly off-base, for my own selfish reasons). If you are confused, I'd love to know that, too. I didn't really set out to write this post--it started, as I said as a response to a couple of posts on OGrownups. I didn't set out to write it, but obviously I had a lot to say!

Even More Trader Principle Progress

2010-09-22T12:17:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

As a follow up to last week's post, I just overheard the following exchange:

Morgan: "But, remember? I shared my modeling clay with you! Don't you think I can try?" (I have no idea what it is of his that she wants to try.)

Ryan: "Well, yeah you shared your clay with me, but this is different."

Morgan: "Why?"

Ryan, stumped: . . .

I hated to intervene, but they seemed to be at an impasse, and because I know that sometimes he triumphs in disagreements out of perseverance, and because I thought Morgan had an excellent point, I said, not turning around from my desk:

"So it sounds like Morgan wants to borrow something and she is reminding Ryan of a time when she shared modeling clay with him." (all in the third person)

Morgan: "Yes. Ryan I am reminding you of when I shared my modeling clay." (somewhat copying the words I offered her)

Ryan: "Well that's a good point. Let me think it over."

Okay, so he didn't agree (yet?), but he conceded the point and at least agreed to think it over. In the meantime, Morgan got on the computer and appears to have forgotten the matter. But still: progress!

Parenting and the Metaphysically Given

2010-09-22T10:52:00.001-04:00

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Remember that old serenity prayer?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

There's a lot in there that is applicable to Objectivists and to parents. Ayn Rand herself, in her essay "The Metaphysical Versus the Man-Made" in Philosophy: Who Needs It, used the wording of the prayer to discuss what can and cannot be changed.

"In regard to nature, “to accept what I cannot change” means to accept the metaphysically given; “to change what I can” means to strive to rearrange the given by acquiring knowledge—as science and technology (e.g., medicine) are doing; “to know the difference” means to know that one cannot rebel against nature and, when no action is possible, one must accept nature serenely." - Ayn Rand

So, a rational person does not fight against the facts of reality or waste time wishing they were different. He accepts that they are true and forms his plans taking these unchangeable facts into account. He uses the dictates of nature to succeed; he cannot succeed by fighting against them.

Another Ayn Rand quote from the same article: "The metaphysically given cannot be true or false, it simply is—and man determines the truth or falsehood of his judgments by whether they correspond to or contradict the facts of reality. The metaphysically given cannot be right or wrong—it is the standard of right or wrong, by which a (rational) man judges his goals, his values, his choices. The metaphysically given is, was, will be, and had to be."

It's easy to see how to apply this principle in scientific endeavors. It would rock if we could sit around all day eating yummy chocolate chip cookies and still be fit and healthy. But nature dictates that bodies require certain kinds of nutrients. A person who fought this rule would be miserable. He would keep trying to make excessive amounts of cookies and health line up, and he would continue to fail because he has not accepted the metaphysically given.

It's not always so easy to apply this principle to social interactions (including parenting) because we have characteristics dictated by nature and characteristics that we are able to change and control. As parents, though, we have to be able to identify the metaphysically given and not spend time trying to change things about our children that can't be changed.

First, I think we have to accept the nature of children qua children (don't I sound super philosophical now?). Read my thoughts on the nature of children and how that metaphysically given nature should influence our parenting here.

I also think that we have to accept the temperament that our children are born with. Temperament may change over time, and a full personality is certainly something we can change, but some basic traits just are, such as extroversion/introversion. For more thoughts on temperament, you can check out this podcast or Jenn's post or my post.

The metaphysically given aspect of parenting that I want to focus on in this post is developmental stage. We all know intuitively that children at different ages behave in certain ways. Everyone talks about "the terrible twos" or "a typical teenager." But there are tons of stages that aren't quite so infamous and well-known, and it can be really useful to know what they are. It can really help to know what to expect and what is normal for children of a certain age.

There has been some discussion recently on OGrownups about toddlers. The initial discussion was about a 15 month old child, whom I might not even classify as a toddler. I generally think of toddlers as children between the ages of 18 months and 3 years. (Yes, I know toddlerhood is supposed to start when children learn to walk, but no 9 month old is a toddler, even if he can walk. It's about more than just motor skill development.)

So here's what I think is metaphysically given about toddlers:

Toddlers don't know how to behave. They all do really inappropriate things, like hitting, biting, spitting, throwing toys, tantrums, and much more.

Toddlers have poor impulse control. When they feel like doing something, they do it.

It takes lots of time and lots of repetition to teach better behavior to toddlers. No matter how reasonably you explain, how firmly you set limits, even how harshly you punish (but please don't), you'll have to do it again and again.

Toddlers are early in the conceptual process, but they are forming concepts. They are beginning to learn to use logic and reason. They are not only perceptual like animals.

So, since these facts about toddlers are metaphysically given, fighting against them is like banging our heads against a wall (and that's what parenting a toddler feels like sometimes!). We have to accept these facts and use parenting strategies that take them into account.

Here are some ideas about how to use each metaphysically given fact in parenting a toddler:

Be prepared for these yuck behaviors. Know they are coming. Read up on developmental stages. And when your child hits, don't think, "Oh God! He's a rights violator and will probably turn out to be a communist!" Instead think, "Wow, he's really exhibiting the traits of a toddler! What can I do to stop him from doing inappropriate things and help him learn what is more appropriate?"

Practice GOYB (Get Off Your Butt) parenting. Because toddlers have trouble controlling impulses, you gotta get right into the fray and be ready to stop hitting or biting. You can't say from your comfy computer chair, "Stop hitting, Little Johnny!" You have to get up, grab Johnny's hand to prevent the hitting, and then reinforce with words. 2 year old Johnny cannot stop himself, so you better be ready to it for him.

One day, one week, or even one month of putting your hand over a toddler's mouth while saying, "Keep your spit in your mouth," is not gonna do it. Your child is not particularly recalcitrant and purposefully trying to drive you to insanity. He's just little, and you will have to say it over and over and over and set the limit over and over and over. And eventually, he will mature and learn. Expecting instant or even quick success when you are not going to get it will only make you feel like a failure.

Since toddlers, who are developing conceptual capability, aren't mentally like dogs, who are never gonna be conceptual, we can't treat them the same way. Behaviorist ideas, like punishments and rewards, don't help a child learn how to think about what is right and wrong. Setting a limit, with both action and words, and helping the child to understand the reason for the limit respect a child's developing conceptual mind. (For toddlers, this would be very simple. I grab his hand (gently) and say "No hitting. Hitting hurts Mommy.")

Finally, a personal note: When Livy was a toddler, I thought I would go insane repeating myself and watching her so closely when she interacted with other children. She was a super intense toddler, with tantrums like you would not believe, and a fair amount of hitting. And yet, she matured into a happy, sweet child who keeps her hands to herself and tells me pretty calmly when she is upset with me. Toddler behaviors don't last forever, thank god!

Livy Growing Up, Me Learning to Adjust

2010-09-22T10:49:00.002-04:00

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Last weekend, I was getting dressed to go to a party. I had chosen my shirt but couldn't decide which jeans to wear with it. I tried on both pairs for Aaron and asked which looked better. After he gave me his opinion, Livy came out of her room crying.

"Why do you only ask him things? I'm big enough to know what's pretty!"

I comforted her for a second, assured her that I would love her opinion, and offered to go put the other pants back on so she could compare. But that wasn't good enough. She didn't really care that much about my outfit. She wanted me to value her opinion and acknowledge that she getting so much older.

I thought for a second, and I realized that she was right. She is old enough to know what's pretty. Honestly, her fashion sense might be better than Aaron's. But I was stuck thinking of her as my baby still, not a person who has valuable opinions to share.

So, I explained that I had forgotten for a moment how grown up she was and that I would try not to forget again. And I will try. I don't want to be that mom who can't learn to see her child as an adult. I want to practice seeing all her maturity now and changing my perception of her as she actually changes, so that when she really is all grown up, I see her adult self clearly.

In Which I Am In Favor of Child Labor (or, On Routines, Empowering Your Kids, and Cleaning Tabata)

2010-09-21T12:22:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Sunday's Family Conference involved a lengthy problem-solving routine chart creation, and I'm going to tell you all about it!

If you weren't aware of this already, it's time for me to share with you a certain disability I have: I am a terrible housekeeper. I do not get a thrill from sweeping or picking up toys or doing the dishes. These are activities that do not warm my heart as such. The bad part of my disability is that I also enjoy such things as pathways free of teeny tiny LEGO pieces, crumb-free (and yogurt-free) couches, and clothing that doesn't stink.

So based on my desire for X level of cleanliness, I must do Y amount of housework. The result, Z, is the set of very, VERY low housekeeping standards which I have carefully cultivated over the years and strive mightily to maintain.

Now, when the babies showed up, I was of course clueless about how that would change the equation. By the time I was pregnant with Morgan, we'd broken down (in my head, this was a failure of some kind) and hired a bi-weekly cleaning service to do the floors and bathrooms and other heavy housekeeping lifting. I LOVE them. It's nice that, for a few hours every other week, my house is CLEAN.

However, time, and budgets, change everything. Brendan and I have been revamping our financial picture (with success, yay!) since the spring, and it's finally time to let go of the cleaning service. It will save us a tidy sum, and honestly, their level of service has gone down somewhat, unfortunately. Then it occurred to me that I have all of these children handy, and they A.) are responsible for much of the mess, B.) need to learn these life skills, in my personal opinion, and C.) are young, spry, and have tiny little arms that will allow them to reach those hard-to-clean places much better than I ever could.

They already do a lot of work around here, and so do I. When I broke out what the cleaning service does for us, it's not really that much more to add to our family workload. Plus, the savings!

Still, I was reluctant to cancel the cleaning service before we had a Plan in place to tackle these extra chores--ideally, a Plan that had been created and agreed upon by all of us (well, except for Sean). Part of the reason for this is obvious, I hope--simply so that we'd have some plan to make sure the work still got done. But the real reason I needed a Plan-with-a-Capital-P is because my children have inherited the housework disability from both of us, and they are, to say the least, unwilling participants in the cleaning processes we already have going. My husband's disability borders on clinical, I'm sorry to say, as he neither notices stinking piles of refuse strewn about the house, nor does he care. (Sorry, honey, but you know that's true.)

And as it happens, this Family Conference habit we've developed (six months strong!) is a fantastic format for hammering out answers to eternal questions such as How in the World are We Going to Keep the House Fit for Human Habitation without Nagging each other into Insanity?

Ryan was the President of Sunday's Family Conference, and I'd told him that I wanted us to work on some group problem-solving. When I got out my flip chart and Only Mommy Markers (as they are known around these parts), the excitement was palpable.

Because I am me, I had a list I'd prepared with tasks and a tentative schedule, not to present this as a phony "let's pretend to get buy-in to something Mom has already decided about anyway" solution, but so that I had at the ready a complete list of tasks to be done--and to show them what we did as a family anyway.

First, we talked about things we already do on a typical day (Morgan had already begun decorating the lists, as she loves to do at the end of the meeting):

See? We ALREADY do all that stuff. It was reassuring to me that they called all that stuff out from memory, as if they'd actually internalized these tasks and might be on their way to building a habit!

Then we listed out things that we do weekly or every other week:

And we put a check mark next to the jobs that the Cleaning Peopleguys do (basically they do floors and bathrooms). The other stuff? We already do, though we don't always keep to a strict schedule about it necessarily.

Then I thought it might be good to list things that need doing less often, like monthly:

Because of my allergies, we really need to be better about checking the air filters. And of course, it just makes good sense to test the smoke alarms every once in a while.

So now we had a basic list, which we'll tweak over time I'm sure, of tasks that we all agreed needed doing. Everyone seemed to think that adding in the work that we are paying the Cleaning Peopleguys to do will be feasible. Brendan agreed to vacuum. Ryan expressed concern about the grossness of cleaning toilets (though he enjoys plunging them, so I can't quite see why cleaning them would be more disgusting than plunging). We agreed that we do our weekly work all together as a family on Saturday mornings. Maybe put in some fun music to make the time go by faster.

So we were done, right? Not so fast! I then expressed my most deepest concern that when it came time to actually work together on a Saturday morning, people would be reluctant. I told them that I think I will feel angry if I don't get cooperation on Saturday mornings, and that they will probably hate it if I have to remind and remind and nag them to do their work. Since our work needs to get done, and we are all agreed on that point, it seems like fighting about it will not be fun and will not make the work get done faster. So what can we think of to do about that problem?

Morgan suggested that if someone doesn't want to help, then they just go take a break. Nice try, sweetie. :o) Ryan suggested something a little more Draconian, though I can't recall just what it was. But everyone seemed to agree that Blitz Cleaning, or Cleaning Tabata, seemed like a fun way to get the work done.

If you aren't familiar with the term tabata, it's used in high-intensity exercise. The basic idea is that you exercise really hard for a short amount of time, rest for a short amount of time, lather, rinse, repeat.

We have used the Cleaning Tabata technique and it is really fun and motivating (so far) for everyone. Morgan doesn't (yet) have the stamina for three full rounds, Ryan and I do (and I'm sure Brendan does, too, he just wasn't here the last time we did this). So here is our tabata schedule:

Now, unlike exercise tabata, our rest intervals get longer, as you may have noticed. That's for my benefit as much as the children's. I hate housework tasks SO much that I really need to rest for longer and longer periods of time in order to get the energy for the next ten minute round.

The older kids and I cleaned this way on Saturday afternoon (a trial run before the Family Conference) and I was simply AMAZED at what we accomplished in 30 minutes of cleaning (that took a little over an hour of our total time). Each time I set the timer and made a big production: "Get Ready, Set, GO!" and Ryan would start screaming and running in circles, flailing his arms. I'd remind him to use that energy to clean, and he did. One thing you might not know about this kid is that when he puts his mind to it, he is a HARD worker. Morgan needed a little more direction, as she tends to wander off and start reading a book, but she worked pretty hard, too, for the first two rounds. About halfway through the third round I had to start giving her specific tasks to carry out, and pretend to chase her (playfully) to get her moving.

After each round of cleaning, we all walked around and appreciated what we'd accomplished. And during the rest periods, we played on the computer or read or book or tended to Sean's needs. That's another cool thing about tabata cleaning--I can stop and do Seanie things like find his game on the computer for him without feeling like I haven't accomplished a task. I'm pretty task-oriented and I hate being interrupted when I'm in the middle of a process. Because we'd scheduled these "interruptions" I was able to be fully present for Sean and not feel grumpy about reading him a book (yes, I do that sometimes, boo).

At the end of every problem-solving session we all agree to try the new plan for a week and check back. This plan will need to be monitored over a longer period of time than a week, but we'll talk about it at our Family Conferences over the next month or so and work on tweaking it a bit. Do we need to vacuum upstairs every week or every other week? Stuff like that. And because I anticipate the enthusiasm for our new plan and our tabata technique wearing thin after a while, we will probably have to do some negotiation/problem-solving about how to keep people working and other ideas for keeping ourselves motivated.

Tomorrow is the last day for the Cleaning Peopleguys (I didn't want to cancel this week on them at the last minute, plus I think it will be easier for us to get off to a good start if the place is semi-clean to begin with). I kind of hate to break the news to them, because the owner of the company is super nice and has been really good to us over the years. I do intend to hire them on an occasional basis for deep cleaning.

But I am SO excited, and I think it would be nice to do a little something for the whole family with some of the money we save!

This post has also been brought to you by the Positive Discipline Tool Cards Routines and Empower Your Kids.

Trader Principle Progress

2010-09-17T12:26:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

As you may be aware, we explicitly use, explain, refer to, and discuss the Trader Principle in many of our parenting situations. According to Ayn Rand:

A trader is a man who earns what he gets and does not give or take the undeserved. He does not treat men as masters or slaves, but as independent equals. He deals with men by means of a free, voluntary, unforced, uncoerced exchange—an exchange which benefits both parties by their own independent judgment.

Ayn Rand, "The Objectivist Ethics," The Virtue of Selfishness (via the online Lexicon)

Free exchange and independent equals--this is how we deal with things like sharing and taking turns. You don't have to let your sister take a turn with your toy merely because you owe her some kind of duty because she's your sister or because she's younger or because she needs or wants it. She is not owed a turn merely because she has decided she wants a turn. You have no moral obligation to share toys, and she has no moral claim on your toy by virtue of her desires or needs.

Indeed, this is generally how kids are taught to share. "Give him a turn, he wants it!" "Share that toy because he's a baby!"

A somewhat separate though related issue is that often the adult will swoop in and make a declaration as to which kid ought to have a turn, and skip over the process of teaching kids to negotiate their own terms independently.

But here, we trade. We trade goods (like turns with toys) and services (like help or kind words). If someone really, really doesn't want to share, he doesn't have to (but he may have some negative consequences that go along with that decision, such as a mad friend who stomps home or a sibling unwilling to share with him in the future).

My role is not to make people take turns, but rather to help them negotiate kindly and properly, and only step in where necessary. Sean, at 27 months, sometimes needs a little assistance in letting go, so sometimes I need to pry the toy away from his little hands and help him cope with the ensuing sadness. Ryan (8), who has never been Mr. Willing to Share, needs daily (hourly!) reminders to speak kindly and what to do if someone is touching his stuff. Morgan (5), generally willing to take turns and speak kindly, needs help in surviving the interminable negotiation process. (How could I ever have considered Ryan "not persistent?" That's clearly Crazy Talk, as nobody has his stamina or motivation when it comes to a negotiation.)

And as with any developmental stage or new skill, kids seem to make some forward progress, take a step or two backwards, and then move forward again. We're in Forward Motion around here lately, and it's so enjoyable!

For instance, I was playing Chutes and Ladders with Morgan the other day, and Sean's job was to spin the spinner when it's my turn (always best to give him a job where he can be kind of helpful in such situations). He was resisting handing the spinner back over to M for her turn. She sat there patiently, hand out, and would say in a sweet little voice "Come on, Seanie! It's my turn now, but YOU can have the NEXT turn!" And he would then hand it over of his own volition (though with some pouty face)! The fact that he is able to do this at least sometimes is super great, as he's still quite young.

I was also really impressed with Morgan. By explaining the process, she's helping him get an understanding of turn-taking (first you, then me, then you, then me). And she appealed to his self-interest, that he wanted a turn, and reassured him that he would get what he wants. So cool.

Then yesterday, Ryan surprised me with this exchange:

"Mom, can you help me reach the UNO cards that dropped down by my bookcase?"

Me: "Not right now, because I'm about to take all the garbage to the curb."

Ryan: " Well why don't I help you? That way your work will get done even faster and then you can come help me sooner!"

Me, jumping up and down: "Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Oh I've waited for this moment my entire life!" (or similar)

So we did that. He worked hard and helped me do my job, and then we came back in and I helped him reach the UNO cards. I played it cool (though inside I was shouting and jumping as previously described), but told him thanks for helping me out. And I mentioned that trading work and kindness helped us both get what we want, and made us happy, too!

It was pretty cool!

I'd Like to Introduce My Daughter, Rupert

2010-09-15T12:28:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

We did a little problem-solving at our latest Family Conference, and our solution is so amusing that I absolutely must share it.

Most of us parents have had the following experience when trying to get a child's attention: "Morgan? Morgan? . . . Moooorgaaaaannn . . . Morgan! . . . MORGAN! Aaagggghhhh!"

Right? It's common. They are watching television, or reading a book, or listening to their own inner voices, or generally can't be bothered by what you might have to say because you're only Mom [insert eye-roll here]. It's frustrating because it's no fair when people aren't paying you a lick of attention when you have Something Very Important to Say.

Morgan has this problem, only a few standard deviations away from the norm. If you know her in real life, you understand what I mean. She very often simply isn't aware of, oh, you know . . . the outside world and so this is a problem. A Big Problem for all of us (Brendan has this problem with her, too). We parents (and others) are frustrated in our attempts to get her attention, and she is unhappy to suddenly reawaken to find angry yelling people in her face. And that's how Brendan describes the experience (for Morgan is his child in oh-so-many ways)--you're off, happy in your own Happy Thought Land, and then Suddenly! Without Warning! BLLLLAAARRRRGGGGH! People are screaming your name and are mad.

We've had talks and discussions. We've made plans. I take care to get in her field of vision and touch her shoulder or arm before I speak. Even that has only spotty success. Yes, you can be kneeling down in front of her, hand on her arm, speaking to her and looking directly in her eyes . . . and she can still not be paying attention. I am not making this up.

Also, sometimes I just can't get in her field of vision or touch her. Sometimes I need to get her attention when I'm driving or when she's gone the wrong way around the car in a parking lot and I'm looking for her. I need to be able to call her name and have her A.) Notice, and B.) Respond. I'm just sayin'.

Is this temperamental or learned behavior? I suspect it's temperamental primarily (having lived with Brendan for many years, there's definitely a genetic link here). But I worry that by not helping her figure out how to Notice and Respond that I'm enabling this somehow. Plus, it's really frustrating, as I've mentioned.

So we're trying something new! In the Family Conference, she was perfectly happy to acknowledge that this is a challenge, and she readily agreed that yes indeedy, she sure hates to get surprised by a frustrated Mom or Dad who'd been calling for her. I can't remember who suggested this--Morgan, I think--but the idea was floated that maybe there could be a code word that would get her attention. (We're all into espionage lately, invisible ink, international intrigue, etc. due to a recent foray into classic James Bond films.)

Now part of me thinks the code word ought to be 'Morgan' but as that clearly has been unsuccessful, we decided to give it a try. Her first suggestion was for us to spell her name out M-O-R-G-A-N. We thought maybe that was kind of long, and not such secret code-y. What else? She suggested a couple of other things, like maybe dog or puppy (shocker!).

I suggested that the word ought to be something that she's not at all used to hearing, or perhaps, just silly. Something like that would help get her attention. I pointed to our big black gargoyle, who presides over the household gods on our mantelpiece.

See? There he is.

"What about gargoyle?" I suggested.

She didn't like gargoyle, but promptly suggested the gargoyle's name: Rupert! Hilarious!

We role-played a few times, with Brendan and me saying "Rupert!" and Morgan responding "What?" And we laughed and laughed because it is so silly. :o) We agreed to try this for a week and then discuss whether or not it's been helpful. So far, it has been helpful, though I tend to forget to use it.

So now you know why you might hear me say "Morgan? Morgan? RUPERT!" And I don't even care, as long as she'll respond to me in a parking lot!

Turning a FAIL into a WIN

2010-09-14T12:31:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

It's been a helluva day. To sum up:

Sean has an ear infection (mild so far) that has been keeping us up for the last couple of nights.

I wanted to buy Sudafed (because we've had success if we can dry up the fluid in the ear before a nasty feverish infection hits, thereby avoiding penicillin), but couldn't because my driver's license is missing (don't get me started on that, read my Twitter stream for ranty goodness).

Got Brendan to obtain the dangerous potion, met him halfway between work and home to exchange the goods (he received tax papers to take to the accountant, because no good deed goes unpunished!).

Tried to get Sean to take the Sudafed. I succeeded in getting approximately 13% of the dose into his body, frustrating and traumatizing us both.

Returned home whereupon the big kids promptly woke Sean up from a much-needed (by him and by me) nap.

Minor clay disaster.

Nail polish on the floor.

Yelling by me. :o(

Not my best effort ever.

However, this is where I'm getting better all the time--I realized my awful behavior while it was happening and said "I need a break. I'm taking a break. I don't want to yell any more because it is making me unhappy." And I took said break.

Later, Ryan wanted to talk. It's not fair, says he, that whenever I want to tell him something that's upsetting to me that he has to listen, but sometimes when he wants to say what he is upset about, I shut him down. I listened. He finished his complaint and stared at me challengingly.

I thought about it for a second and then looked at him and said, "You're right. I do that sometimes. I'm sorry."

He interrupted with a pre-fab counter-argument to the thing he thought I was going to say. So I said, "Did you hear me? I just said that you're right about that and I'm sorry about it."

"Oh." says he. :o)

So we worked on a plan for something he can tell me next time I do that. I explained that I didn't want to do that to him, and that it didn't seem fair at all.

Ryan apparently figured that this was a good time to get other injustices off his chest, so he dove right into the next one. One of the things I was fussing at him about earlier was the fact that he borrows my stuff without asking and doesn't return it to its place. He also likes to open up new packages of office supplies (such as boxes of pencils) that I'd prefer to keep in the packages until we need them. That kind of stuff.

Apparently it's not fair that I make him keep the stuff he doesn't want to share up in his room, but then I keep stuff I don't want to share all over the house. Trickier to address. I let him tell me and tell me and tell me, and then I rephrased the problem to make sure I understood.

"You have to keep things you don't want to share up in your room, and you think it's not fair that I can say no to sharing my things that are not up in my bedroom?"

He nodded. Then I had an epiphany!

"Soooo...one of the reasons you feel like you can borrow stuff off my desk and from the kitchen is because it's not up in my room? Even though I've asked you to check with me before you borrow that stuff?"

Assume. Positive. Intent. We had arrived at the crux of our misunderstanding, a misunderstanding that we have a zillion times a day. He's right; I am constantly telling him that if he refuses to share certain toys, then he needs to put that toy in his room. Toys down here, no matter who they belong to, are assumed to be in the general toy rotation, and no fair freaking out if someone has a turn.

He feels put upon, since he feels like this rule applies only to him and not to anyone else in the house, most especially grownups. He'd been blowing me off, partly because of that feeling of injustice and perhaps a bit of genuine confusion.

The fact of the matter is that this rule applies only to him because he is the only one who needs it. If someone asks to have a turn with something of his, he says no 90% of the time. He freaks out 99% of the time he sees someone touching something without permission.

I explained that the purpose of the rule was not that everything downstairs is "in play," but that it's to make things easier on him (and me) because he so often says no and gets so upset about sharing, and sometimes resists my help in working out a plan for taking turns. He'll recall that I rarely, if ever, have asked Morgan to take a toy up to her room--and why? Because she says yes more often than not. My stuff gets to be down here, too, because I say yes most of the time--I just like to be asked if it's certain office supplies (like my stapler and hole punch) so that I can help people remember to return it to my desk (or at least have a clue where in the house it might have been used so that I can locate it).

It was a really good conversation. REALLY GOOD. He listened, I think he understood, and I think he got a sense that this wasn't a limit we'd set just to be mean or unfair to him, that we based it on the things he'd been doing and the things he'd been unable to do. I also talked to him about what needed to happen in order to ditch that limit--he'd need to start saying yes more often than he said no, and he needed to be calmer and more proactive in working out plans (or seeking our help).

I could see his anger dissipate; his face relaxed, he started to smile and joke. Then he tested me out one more time (this is Ryan we're talking about after all!).

"But what about those papers over there? You're ALWAYS making me pick up my things on the floor, you make me move my projects out of the way, and there! THERE! You've left papers!"

He was pointing at my desk, where I'd been sorting the mail. I tend to drop the outer envelopes and junk mail on the floor right next to my desk during the process which had been interrupted by our earlier conflicts.

I pointed out that, as he could clearly see, I hadn't made anybody pick up anything in quite some time. He smiled. I also reminded him that I usually asked him to pick up his projects right away only if they were right in the middle of a pathway.

He said, "Oh yeah! That's right! Because if my project was there [he pointed at the walkway to the kitchen] then everyone would trip and mess it up and aaaaaahhhhh!!! [dramatic reenactment of a pratfall]" More giggling.

By this time we were smiling and laughing, had resolved a few problems, come to a better understanding of each other, some of the rules for our home, and we hugged it out.

So even though this day started off notsogreat, and I was certainly not living up to my own parenting principles for some of it, I'm going to count this day as a WIN.

I modeled how to listen, how to be reasonable, how to do an apology, how to have a civilized problem-solving discussion. I helped him understand that the limits we set are not arbitrary and are fair. I gave him some idea of how he can change things if he wants certain limits to go away. I let him know that I'm willing to uphold our house rules on everyone, even myself. I asked him for help the next time I misbehave, because I want to do better. We looked each other in the eyes and communicated. We shared our problems and hugs. I got my Positive Discipline mojo back, and helped cultivate some virtues (in myself and in Ryan), too.

OGrownups Monthly Summary

2010-09-04T12:33:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

August was a pretty active month for OGrownups!

New Members: 8
Total Members: 254

Topics included:

Structuring homework
Finding good babysitters
Inspiring quotations for children's room decor
10 video websites for kids
Two new baby announcements (yay!)
Collectivist arguments against homeschooling
Parenting books: The Your X Year Old Child Series by Louise Bates Ames
Secular funerals
Baby carrier recommendations
The Business of Being Born
A birth story
Baby supplies
McSweeney's article
Childhood anxiety
Should mothers blog about their kids?
First trip to the dentist
Things nobody tells you about parenting
ADHD misdiagnosis (linked to an article)
What to do when a child refuses to read books or play games that are outside of her official age range (though she is capable)
Floor beds and infants
Discussion of the online article about praising children
When are Children adults?
Toddler sleeping issues
When kids "test" their parents
Circumcision rates
Preparing kids for a move
Free audio books online
Teach sign language to babies and toddlers
Circumcision
BabyCenter.com (updates about stages of pregnancy, childhood development)
Decaf coffee and pregnancy
Article about epidurals protecting key muscles during labor
Humor: What happens when Dad watches the kids?
Cooking
Blog posts from members include: The CtV podcasts, Teaching by Essentials, World Breastfeeding Week (that's mine!), Temperament, and a link to a hilariously inappropriate kid's book.

Lots of variety! And I can't help but think--there's more where that came from!

If you are interested in learning more about joining OGrownups as a poster or lurker, check out the homepage.

An Era is Ending

2010-09-01T12:35:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I haven't carried a diaper bag in months. The bag I used as a diaper bag is now used for carrying podcast recording equipment to and from Kelly's house.

We don't have any more sippy cups. Well, we have the cups, but no lids, and everyone just uses them as regular cups. Somehow, Sean went straight to open-topped cups, with hardly a pause in Sippy Cup Land.

Yesterday I noticed that Sean got his last two molars, for a total of 20 teeth! You know what that means, don't you? NO MORE TEETHING EVER AGAIN!

And while a part of me is a little sad about all of this, most of me is HAPPY and ECSTATIC and MAKING PLANS FOR THE FUTURE! :o)

Every little milestone he passes means that we're done with that milestone for good (sniff). But we've got so many exciting adventures to look forward to, and the beautiful, glorious, wonderful NOW to experience.

Life is pretty good.

Homeschool Plans

2010-08-31T12:37:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Yesterday I sat down with each of the older kids and we made a big list of things they want to cover in our homeschool year, or a Things I Want to Know list. I actually do this with them periodically anyway, but since it feels end-of-summery/beginning-of-schooly to me (even though we don't really follow the official school schedule), I was kind of in the mood to revisit this little project.

I do this with them because I think it's important that the kids have a voice in what they learn--it's one of the reasons we wanted to homeschool in the first place. I want them to get practice and experience in deciding what their values are and going after them, and this is a way we can do that. I still chafe at the word unschooler and really can't quite call us an unschooling family (partly because nobody, including unschoolers, can seem to define the term), but the kids are very self-directed. I view my role as resource provider/guide/chauffeur/perspective-adder/question-asker/context-pointer-outer/connection-maker. We are relaxed in how we do schooly things, and I do not step in their way until and unless they demonstrate that they need guidance or help, which is consistent with my views on discipline issues.

Making a Things I Want to Know list is also a great way for me to get to know them a little better. Even though I have very talkative children who seem to want to fill me in on every single thought they have, there were some surprises on their lists, glimpses into thoughts and ideas that I'd not yet seen or been privy to. So it's fun for me to find out what they're thinking about. And it's also a way for me to give them my ideas on how we can accomplish their goals, so that they see me as that resource/idea provider, and not merely as "Mom." :o)

We're going to do a new thing with these lists, too. After I'm done with this post, I will copy their lists out onto giant pieces of paper and we'll hang them on the walls somewhere. I know for sure that Morgan will love this idea; Ryan, I'm not so sure about, but we'll give it a try. Having their goals posted in a visible area will help the kids keep them, I don't know, present in their daily lives. I made sure to stress that we can add and subtract from the list as necessary, that this is not something they are locked into by any means. Having the lists posted on the walls is a way to introduce them to methods for staying organized (see this interesting link for ways to introduce GTD to children) as well as good practice for keeping track of your goals and pursuing your values.

So you're probably wondering what's on these lists we made, huh? Well, here they are! Each kid's personality really shows, and you can tell what kinds of things they're interested in.

Morgan's List

Learn German, French, Russian, and Greek
Chess Class (at co-op)
ASL Class (at co-op)
Read more Little House on the Prairie books (as read alouds)
More read alouds: Harry Potter and Narnia books
Library Trips
Writing practice, specifically focusing on holding the pen/pencil properly (she still tends to grip it with her fist)
DreamBox Math
Play with math blocks (Cuisenaire rods)
Dog Art Class (her term)
Drawing Class (at co-op)
Piano
Arts and Crafts projects
Dog training (we don't have a dog, but we thought we'd read some books maybe)
Go to the zoo and the park
Go hiking on mountains
Independent Reading: Junie B. Jones books, Nate the Great books, Ramona books
Cooking
Science Fair (at co-op)

This was the first time I'd done such a list with Morgan, and now I'm wishing I'd done this a year ago. With the exception of me making some specific suggestions for her independent reading books, she came up with all of that on her own. Surprising to me: that her interest in languages extended beyond French (which Brendan kinda sorta knows) and German (which I kinda sorta know); that she actually wants to learn how to hold a pencil properly; and that she wants to go hiking. Cool! And I'm pretty sure we can make most of her goals happen over the next year or so.

Ryan's List

Use Math Blocks
Watch Cyberchase
Money (he means earn some, but that also entails math, heh!)
Doctoring
Cooking
Hunting
Exploring
Being a Janitor and a Babysitter (At the same time? AWESOME.)
Spying
Detective Work
Building Models
Poetry
Read alouds: Continue with Sherlock Holmes mysteries (a Ryan-Brendan Saturday morning tradition)
Audiobooks: The Lord of the Rings and The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
History at our House: European History
Learn about architecture
Peopleguy Tours (I'll write about this very soon)
Filming Movies
Writing his book about the Atlanta Falcons (for real)
Writing on his blog and sending email
Growing plants
Being a veterinarian
Learn about liquids (and other states of matter, I guess?)
Weather Systems
Grilling (the cooking kind, not the interrogation kind)
Hike Red Top Mountain
Go to Civil War sites in Georgia
Chess Class (at co-op)
ASL Class (at co-op)
Robotics Class (at co-op)
Make a robot to help do stuff around the house (Wow, I'd love it if he can do that!)
Sewing for Robots (they'll need clothing, apparently, to do all that housework, as opposed to House Elves)
Science Fair (at co-op)
Get history books from the library
Carpentry
Learn the skills needed to run a good conference (for real, he said this)

As those of you who know him in real life can probably imagine, he rattled this list off at high speed, as if he'd only been waiting for me to ask the question! It's also twice as long as Morgan's, and he could have kept going, only the baby woke up from his nap, so we had to agree that he could add stuff later. His peopleguy focus is very apparent, too. He wants to learn to do Real Things that Real Peopleguys Do. He doesn't want to learn about doctors--he wants to be a doctor. This is how he does. (Anyone have an apprenticeship he can join? He really is a hard worker!) Surprising to me: the desire to be a janitor (but a welcome surprise!); his interest in poetry; that he remembered to add math; and his strong need to know how to run a good conference. He's prepping for his CEO days, I guess.

I really enjoyed making this lists with my kids (but then again, I'm a list-y kind of person), and I already know I'll love being able to see their lists around the house. It will help me remember to take them hiking and go to the library, and it gives me an idea about which movies and documentaries to get from Netflix. Also, I really need to figure out how to turn this peopleguy stuff into a home improvement advantage for me!

I'd love to hear more about how other homeschoolers (and afterschoolers and regular schoolers) talk to their kids about their learning goals. Any good ideas?

Podcast #11: Money

2010-08-26T10:00:00.001-04:00

At long last, we are happy to present our 11th podcast! We are grateful for the feedback we received from our listeners about the technical issues with the last podcast. Hopefully this one sounds a little better–Brendan turned the sound way up, so we’re hoping that will solve at least some of the problem. We didn’t test it on an iPod (because we’re currently on vacation!), but I think we’ll start this testing as part of our production process.

If you have feedback about the podcast–technical or content or otherwise!–please drop us a line at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

Our line up this time is:

Situation of the Week (Kelly): Dealing with the jealous feelings of her child when she (Kelly) pays attention to other children
Topic: Money (begins 8:00)
Q & A: How did your relationships with other adults change after the arrival of children? (begins 29:34)

You can get the podcast here, on iTunes, or just below!

Thanks for listening! We’d love your comments and feedback and questions!

Amelia Peabody & Positive Discipline (Or, More Parenting Through Literature!)

2010-08-17T12:46:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Here's a great quotation from Crocodile on the Sandbank that very nicely illustrates the "A Mistake is an Opportunity to Learn" (aka "Yippee Mistakes!") principle from Positive Discipline.

One of the characters, Evelyn, is telling the story of her recent past errors and the ruin of her reputation. When Amelia Peabody is not shocked and disgusted by Evelyn's ruination as expected, Evelyn asks in surprise:

"And you are not repelled by my ruined character?"

Amelia replies:

"I do not consider that it is ruined. Indeed, the experience has probably strengthened your character."

THAT is precisely the right attitude we should have about our own mistakes and those of our children and loved ones. We all make mistakes. How we deal with them--whether or not we acknowledge the reality of what has happened, whether or not we are just to those we may have wronged, whether or not we endeavor to correct our ideas or behavior so that we don't repeat the mistake in the future--determines whether our mistakes will strengthen our characters or not.

As parents, the attitude we take toward the mistakes of our children will help them learn and practice making similar choices about their own mistakes throughout their lives. Our attitude should be less berating and shaming, and more "Okay, hey. That's a mistake. How can I help you fix it?" Then we can help them acknowledge what happened, make amends if necessary, and take steps or talk through what happened so they can make a better choice next time.

This post has been brought to you by a character-strengthening day. Have you had the chance to strengthen your character lately? :o)

For Highly Sensitive People (and Those Who Love Them)

2010-08-03T12:50:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I read a very interesting article the other day, courtesy of a Facebook group of which I'm a member. It's called "Highly Sensitive People--Sounds, Smells, and Sentiments."

Apparently, sensitivity (the temperament trait) is not just social measure (as in, sensitive people get their feelings too easily hurt or lack Teh Social Skillz)--there's physiological evidence that shows that sensitive people (like me and Ryan, and possibly Sean) have more sensitive neurological systems (emphasis in original):

High Sensitivity and Introversion: Introversion is no longer "low sociability."

Modern personality researchers have done hundreds of studies on the personality traits of introversion-extroversion.

Early research treated it as a measure of sociability, later research looked it more generally as a physiological measure. The studies concur that introverts are:

    * More physically sensitive

    * More sensitive to stimuli and stimulants

    * They process information more thoroughly

    * They prefer to reflect before acting

    * More reflective when given feedback

    * More vigilant in discrimination tasks

    * Slower to acquire and forget information due to their deeper processing into memory

Greater sensitivity is found at all levels of the nervous system from sensitivity to pinpricks, to skin conductivity to faster reaction times

And even MORE interesting is this statement (emphasis in original):

Some highly sensitive individuals are still extroverts!

Usually these are people who have grown up in supportive extended families where social interaction was a source of comfort and the family "ran interference" protecting them from over-stimulation and anxiety until they had the skills to manage the world themselves.

They still typically report needing a lot of "down time" to recuperate after social encounters.

So sensitivity and introversion do not necessarily go hand-in-hand, though they often do.

I find this especially fascinating as Ryan seems to have become more extroverted over time. There was a time when I really worried that he'd be painfully shy, that he'd never want to talk to other people--kids or adults (I know), that he wouldn't learn how to interact with others appropriately, that he'd always hide behind my . . . well, I rarely wear skirts, so we'll just say jeans instead.

To add to my concern/distress over this (during his first four years or so), I encountered many, many people who did not (or could not) understand him. Doting grandparents (Ryan is the first grandkid on both sides of the family, and first great-grandkid on 3/4 sides) tried to connect with him, and were rebuffed time and time again. It upset them and confused them, I think.

They wanted desperately to play with him and talk to him and touch him--he wanted none of those things from anyone except me and Brendan. Many of our family and friends tried erroneously to "push" themselves into his space and his life, as if forcing the issue with him would make it happen. It did not, and in fact, made things more stressful for Ryan, for me and Brendan, and for them.

It wasn't just noise or touch either. He'd cry when he heard slow, sad songs. The first time I noticed this, he was less than a year old. Later, the teacher of our mommy-and-me music class noted that he cried any time he heard a song in a minor key (and it's still true today--he won't listen to anything in a minor key, especially if it's slow). It took him forever to warm up in a new situation--he preferred to observe and observe and observe, often not joining in a playdate at all, or not until the very end. It took him--and my fellow homeschooling moms at co-op will attest to this--MONTHS before he would confidently go into chess class without me.

A few people believed Ryan's reluctance to be touched, his amazing intolerance to loud noises and weird textures, his refusal to play with toys that flashed bright lights or made loud noises, the fact that he really didn't enjoy Day Out with Thomas (heaven-on-earth for most 3-4 year old boys) the one time Brendan took him . . . all of these things and more . . . led a few people to believe we were "sheltering" and "overprotective" and "controlling." Sigh.

So yes, especially in the first 4, maybe 5 years of his life, Ryan was on the track toward introvertedness (introversion?). But that's changed, and I think at least in part, that change has come about because Brendan and I have taken especial care to respect his sensitivity. His sensitivity is CHALLENGING. Ryan is not an easy kid in many ways, and yes, it's seriously trying at times, to have a kid "who is old enough to know better" freaking out at strange lights or sad music.

But we have taken care to send him the message: "Hey, this is a part of who you are. It makes you a neat person. We know that sometimes your sensitivity makes things hard to deal with, and it's our job to help you manage your sensitivities in an appropriate, rights-respecting manner."

What has this meant? It meant that we left "Touch a Truck," a super-fun event in the next town over where all kinds of peopleguys and their peopleguy equipment are parked in a big parking lot for everyone to go and touch and climb into and try out. Sounds like a perfect event for Ryan, no? It's beyond loud, all those sirens going off, and horns. Lights, too. It was overwhelming and horrifying to him, so we left.

It has meant that when we had a fun day taking the train into the city with Kelly and Livy (Morgan was a little baby at the time, so Ryan would have been about 3.5), I had to put the baby in the stroller, and hold Ryan on my lap, helping him hold his ears because the noise of the train was too loud. He didn't freak out, but he needed help managing and coping with this overstimulation. Thankfully Morgan didn't seem to care. Livy, as I recall, was climbing all over the place, completely unaware of the "loud" train (I didn't even notice the noise of the train until Ryan got upset).

It's meant that I've interjected myself between Ryan and other kids, and Ryan and other adults (strangers, family, and friends) when Ryan was becoming overwhelmed by invasion-of-space issues, touches, being scooped up without warning. I have helped him learn to say "No thank you. I need some space right now!" and I have said to others "Please put him down." or "He needs my help right now, thanks anyway." I have seen their hurt and confused expressions and I have done those things anyway.

I have cultivated a level of patience with this that I never knew could exist in my character (I am fundamentally impatient), and spent hours talking to him, explaining, teaching him coping skills and words to say, figuring out when to support him and when (and how) to gently tell him that it was time to try something on his own.

I have questioned myself and our parenting, our temperaments and styles, more times than I can count. Should I have forced him to go to chess class without me? Why doesn't he want to go on sleep-overs? Will he ever leave home? Why can't he just deal already?

But he can't, not without help, and I understand that most of all.

So many times I've heard the same thing: someone telling me "You're too sensitive!" or " Stop being so touchy." I couldn't walk down the laundry detergent aisle at the grocery store because the smell was overwhelming and nauseating (I can still hardly stomach it, though I'm a grown up and thus must ~~suck it up~~ cope). Couldn't stand to be touched by people I didn't know. In large noisy crowds, I can barely think or breathe (remind me to tell you about how I'm never ever EVER going to Taste of Chicago ever ever EVER again). I can't stand to have too many noises going on in the background (though having a few kids will help a person learn to get over that to a certain degree).

I need space, a certain measure of quiet, nobody touching me. Dude is just like me. :o)

It's taken me YEARS to get more in touch with my extroverted abilities--and I will be the first to admit I'm not a super-strong introvert. I spent my teens and twenties on purpose hiding from situations that would overwhelm me. I've spent my thirties learning how to go out into the world and cope with situations that overwhelm me. I am definitely happier now that I can cope.

Ryan has matured out of many of his specific sensitivities--or maybe he hasn't matured, but has managed (I hope with our help) to learn how to cope with overwhelming stimuli in a more responsible way. He is still apt to become overwhelmed, hates sad songs and movies, complains more than the others about smells or sounds. He still needs "downtime" after lots of big situations, but nobody meeting him today could call him "shy." He is confident and talkative, and he is managing his sensitivities much better than I could at his age.

So I hope that Ryan will feel happy that he has learned how to cope, too, happy that we helped him learn to cope, that we were (mostly) patient with his sensitivities and (mostly) understanding. And that introvert or extrovert, I hope he knows we love him more than a little for this wonderfully challenging interesting aspect of his personality.

Podcast #10: Toddlers (Part 1)

2010-08-02T10:01:00.000-04:00

Welcome back and as always, thanks for listening! In this episode:

Situation of the Week (Kelly): Negotiating with a child about an unfair situation and trying to meet everyone's needs

Topic: Toddlers, part 1 (begins 7:33)

Q&A: Do you interact differently with your kids in public? (begins 28:20)

Yes, this is a long one! We got rather carried away with toddlers, and will be posting part 2 as part of another podcast.

Here's the book we tried and failed to recall the title of during the Toddlers section, The Aware Baby:

Enjoy, and please let us know how we're doing!

You can listen here, or download directly from our podcast home, or download from iTunes!

And don't forget to join our Facebook Fan Page. :o) We'd also very much appreciate it if you took the time to write us an iTunes review (there's only that not-so-nice-or-helpful one up there) or help us promote the podcast on Facebook. Thanks so much!

Using the Mistaken Goal Chart In the Classroom

2010-07-29T20:56:00.001-04:00

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Since I wrote about the mistaken goal chart last week, I thought this week I would give my dear readers an example of how I have used it. Plus, I have been wanting to write more about my classroom/gym experience using positive discipline, so here goes.

I was teaching a one-hour 5 year old gymnastics class with 8 kids in it. Mostly, it is super easy to get kids to behave in gymnastics because they love to be there and naturally stay right on track. With the littler kids, though, there is often the problem of distractability in a gym where 6 thousand things are going on all around them. But for a 5 year old class like this, usually just calling the kids name snaps him back into the task at hand, and that's often all the discipline I have to do.

Most of my class management occurs before the kids even get there. I try to streamline the process of moving from bars to beam to floor to vault so that there is little time between activities in which to misbehave. I enlist the kids help for setting up, give them little tasks while moving between activities (like walking on toes), and try to minimize waiting in lines. Those things keep kids moving and having fun, so they don't even think of doing anything inappropriate.

I also use my energy level to keep kids focused. If a coach sits or stands still or stops talking and encouraging and laughing, the laws of physics state that the coach becomes a black hole and all the energy of the class will be sucked away. So I move constantly, touching everyone, giving constant feedback, laughing and joking and enjoying myself, and that keeps the kids energy where it belongs: in their cartwheels.

But I have had a few challenging students who required more support from me to behave well, and that's where the mistaken goal chart comes into the story. In this particular 5 year old class, I had a little boy who was a terror. He constantly irritated the other kids, would do one cartwheel and then stop, would wander away from the class, would try to get my attention every second, etc. He was one of those kids that gets talked about in the break room. Coaches try to teach classes he isn't in. He had several older brothers who also ran wild over the gym waiting area while the little one was in class, and they all drove the secretary mad. I asked around about his family because I never ever saw a parent with whom to discuss his behavior. I was told that he didn't have a dad, and his mom was almost completely uninvolved in his life. Basically, he was being raised by his older brothers who were still kids themselves.

Knowing something about his life did two things. First, it made me feel sympathetic to him instead of angry and annoyed. Second, it made me think about the whys of his behavior instead of just the what. So, I used the mistaken goal chart. I noticed that I mostly felt annoyed and irritated by him, so that's a clue that his mistaken goal might be undue attention. From what I understood about his home life, it seemed to fit. Why wouldn't a child who didn't get enough adult attention try to get it from every adult he came into contact with? And if he was being taught all his social skills by other kids, it seemed reasonable that he was using a poor method that wasn't getting results. I wondered about what school must be like for him; I would be willing to bet that his teachers think of him as a trouble maker (just like the coaches at the gym). He was probably getting mostly negative attention there too.

So I decided that I wouldn't wait for him to misbehave or ask for attention. I would just give him tons of physical contact and kind words from the beginning and see what happened. I would also continue to stop him from irritating other students, but I would worry less about how much gymnastics he was learning and focus for a while on what kind of experience he was getting from me (one of the few adults he ever interacted with).

I asked him if he would like it if I carried him from activity to activity. Yes, he said, with a lit up face, he would love this. Most 5 year old boys want to play roughly with me, but they aren't usually cuddlers, so I took this as proof that he desperately needed adult contact. I hugged him when I saw him. I touched his hair when I passed by him in line. I spent time picking him up and throwing him into the foam pit (I did the same to the other kids, since they all love this). I spoke with him before and after class. I waved at him on the playground when I saw him during his brother's classes. I carried him from beam to bars to vault to floor. I treated him like a darling child that I couldn't get enough of. And an amazing thing happened. He became a darling child that I couldn't get enough of.

His behavior improved A LOT. He stayed on task; he begged for attention less; he kept his hands off the other students; he stayed where he was supposed to stay. He blossomed when some love and affection was showered on him, not as a reward for good behavior, but as his due as a child.

Had I not consulted the mistaken goal chart, I would still have addressed his behavior using positive discipline. But I wouldn't have been fixing the problem he really had. I could have made him the line leader, but his problem wasn't that he felt a lack of power. I could have found him a smaller class with less going on in the gym at that time, but his problem wasn't over-stimulation. By using the chart to find his real problem, the misbehavior melted away. Jane Nelson really is right when she says that "children behave better when they feel better."

PD Tool Card: Routines

2010-07-29T17:16:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

In our most recent Family Conference, we used the problem-solving portion to create a Routine Chart for bedtime. The experience of creating and using it has been somewhat straightforward and predictable--and has also yielded some surprising (to me) information about one of my children.

Most parents are familiar with the need for routines and many of us use them outside of parenting, too. As someone who loves to know what to expect (I'm a "J" on the MBTI test, if you're into that sort of thing), I tend to enjoy routines: creating them, using them, wearing them like old fuzzy slippers. Love. 'Em.

Other people I happen to live with (coughcoughBrendancoughcough) tend not to love the formalized routines so much. But I submit that even those ~~crazy~~ wonderful people use and benefit from routines--they just might not know it, or care about it as much, or not get all excited to see a routine delineated on a big white chart with colorful markers.

By the way, I distinguish routine from schedule. A schedule is an activity (that could be part of a routine) that needs to occur within a fairly tight time frame. Routines are more general, and somewhat more flexible. Before I ~~was beaten down by~~ ~~learned how to relax a bit~~ ~~let go of my perfectionism~~ had three kids, I was a big believer in schedules-with-a-capital-S. Now I'm a lot more fun and chill, and a whole standard deviation's (or two) worth less obsessive, I leave the scheduling to people who run movie theaters. I prefer routine over schedule, especially when it comes to children (because nothing will make you learn how to not worry about what time something happens like having children, especially more than one!).

And it so happens that there is a Positive Discipline Tool Card for Routines!

The card says: "Help children create routine charts to encourage responsibility." And lists the steps to making an effective routine chart.

The first step is the most important one if you want that "encourage responsibility" portion of the program (and I'm supposing that you do): "Create routine charts WITH your child." I will speak from experience as a parent, and remembering from childhood, that nothing gets a person less interested in a chart than one that's presented to him as a done-deal. Even now, if you gave me a list of things to do--even if I knew it was my responsibility to handle those tasks (such as for the AOS or work around the house)--I'd be irritated and resentful of your bossing me around. And guess what? So are my kids!

We also created a Bedtime Chart, but this process can be used for many different types of routines. Our bedtime process was all over the place--literally and figuratively. It's still my responsibility to get Sean down to sleep, and his routine is necessarily different from the older kids. Even where the routines overlapped--they all three need teeth-brushing, for example--there was no consistency in remembering (on my part or Brendan's) and no easy way to figure out who had done what. Basically it's been too chaotic and unorganized for the likes of me. (I suspect everyone else wasn't as bothered by it as I was.)

So what we did at our Family Conference is worked together, all of us (except Sean who keeps milking that "I'm a Toddler" excuse for all it's worth). I actually got out a large easel pad, similar to the type I use in parenting workshops with Kelly, and my fancy-schmancy Mommy Markers (fascinating to the children as I selfishly reserve them for my own projects and do not lend them to others). I explained the process, and we all brainstormed the things that needed to get done before bed.

This is what they came up with (in no particular order):

Brush Teeth
Put on pajamas
Read a story
Big Hug and Kiss from Mom and Dad
Tuck In

We were missing what (in my opinion) is a very important step, so I suggested Use the potty. Oh yeah! Good one, Mom! And hence, one of my ulterior motives for this routine chart was addressed.

Next came my other two motives: Wash face and hands (because holy smokes, that needs to be done on occasion), and Pick up clothes and toys from bedroom floor. THIS was the Big One, as I'd spent much of the previous day ~~arguing and negotiating~~ helping Ryan declutter and organize his room. Now I have loudly and often proclaimed my low housekeeping stands, and I stand by them (or over them, rather--they're that low). But his room had devolved into such a ridiculous state that I couldn't stand it one more second. I knew that one way to help prevent future problems would be to have him pick up his toys and clothes at least once a day, and I suggested this as part of the bedtime routine.

Once we'd all agreed that yes indeed, these were things that could be done and should be done and would be done, I rewrote everything nice and neat, and then Morgan and Sean colored and decorated it (Ryan didn't want to help). We agreed to try it for a week and then talk about how it goes at the next Family Conference. We also agreed on a general time frame for the routine to begin--not a set-in-stone schedule, but a general thereabouts. Our household is probably much more flexible on this point than most. I'd venture to say that if the kids were in school, or were starting school soon (as in next week), then our routine might need to begin on schedule, to make sure everyone got enough sleep.

So we tried it. As expected, Ryan resisted and tested whether or not we were serious about this. One night he protested and fought for so long there was no time for a story (and no patience either). But after that, it hasn't been such a problem. We kept referring him back to the chart (see Step 4: Let the routine chart be the boss.) We also didn't hesitate to remind him that he'd agreed to use it (another great reason to get the child's involvement in the procedure). He understands the fundamental nature of contractual obligations, and though angry, did not deny the justice of our position.

But the surprise has been Morgan. Each night, she goes upstairs (we stuck the chart on the wall outside the bathroom), reads each step carefully, follows the directions, runs back, reads the next step, etc. This is surprising to me because it's such a Jenn-like thing to do. :o) She is so much like Brendan, that sometimes I forget she came from me, too! This child seems to take an especial satisfaction in knowing what's expected, having it written out in a clear way, and it seems as if she gets a sense of completion and pride from having finished all of the steps. The first night she was so excited that she began the routine about 15 minutes early!

This is wonderful because she is taking that responsibility I wanted her to, being independent, and she is experiencing pride in her accomplishment. Which, incidentally, is connected to Step 5 above: Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards. Pride in accomplishment is an end in itself. If she were focused on winning a reward (a sticker or extra 5 minutes of story time), it could easily distract her focus from an independent first-handed feeling of pride.

This is also wonderful because I have struggled and struggled with figuring out how to help her follow processes with multiple steps. Those who know her in person are familiar with the fact that you can't give her more than two instructions verbally if you want half a chance that she'll follow the instructions. Sometimes I wouldn't place a bet on whether she'd follow an instruction with ONE step! Could it be that all we have to do is write the steps down together? Does she just not hear things? Is she primarily visual (that's me)? Does making this into a fun project with Mommy's taboo markers simply get her full undivided attention? I'm not exactly sure which factor it might be (or all of them?). Doesn't matter--we'll definitely be trying this again!

Have you ever used Routine Charts with your kids (or spouse, ha ha!)? How did they work for you? Any enlightening moments, such as my Morgan Revelation?

A routine chart--a handy way for everyone in the household to understand and agree on responsibilities, and a wonderful way to reinforce a few of the virtues, too. :o)

The Mistaken Goal Chart: The Swiss Army Knife of Parenting

2010-07-26T10:00:00.000-04:00

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

I was firmly entrenched in the positive discipline method before I discovered the Mistaken Goal Chart, and now, I cannot imagine thinking through misbehavior without it.

First, what is a mistaken goal? The practitioners of positive discipline hold that behavior is purposive. That means that when a child does something inappropriate, she is trying to meet some need or want. She is trying to achieve a perceived value, even if the value isn't in her best interest or if her way of of trying to achieve it is inappropriate. The mistaken goal chart includes four possible reasons a child might misbehave: to get attention, to have power, to get revenge, or to give up and be left alone. There might be more reasons, but in my experience, these four are awfully common.

Because positive discipline is not permissive, the point of identifying a child's mistaken goal is not to ignore the behavior itself; inappropriate behavior must be stopped. The point is that when a parent or teacher has more information about why a child misbehaves, he can choose his explanations, tools, etc with more care and directly address the child's actual problem.

The first mistaken goal is called "undue attention." The child's goal is to get the attention of the parent or teacher, and it is "undue" because the call for attention is inappropriate. A baby crying for milk or a terrified child needing to feel protected from a big dog is not trying to achieve a mistaken goal; her goal is perfectly rational, and she needs "due attention." An example of undue attention might be a child who acts up when mom is on the phone because he doesn't like it when she is not available to answer his questions or look at his drawings.

Next is "misguided power." The child's goal is to have power over someone else or to prove that no one has power over him, and it is misguided because the child has chosen an inappropriate way to gain power and control. A child who fights getting dressed because he wants to pick out his own clothes is seeking legitimate power over his own body and choices. But a child who refuses to put his shoes own because he doesn't want to go in the car to pick up his brother from school might be an example of child seeing inappropriate power; he cannot have power over the schedules of everyone in the house.

The child who has the mistaken goal of "revenge" is trying to get even. She might be hurting and want to hurt others so they feel as bad as she does. An example of this would be a child whose feelings got hurt when her mom set a limit, and so she lashes out and tells her that she wants to go to her dad's house she to make mom feel just as bad as she feels. Not that that has ever happened here. Sigh. I can't think of a time that a child taking revenge would actually be okay, but I think the wrong the child wants to get revenge for could be real or just perceived. Either way the goal of revenge would be a mistaken one.

The last one is the hardest for me to get a handle on because it is so much rarer and more scary. A child who is acting based on "assumed inadequacy" has decided that she can't do things well and may as well not try. She may actually not have the skills to be a competent person, or she might have made a wrong judgment about herself. But either way she is acting as if she is inadequate. For example, a child might have decided that he is not able to make friends, and so he doesn't even attempt to get to know his classmates or the other kids on the playground. He assumes from the beginning that he will fail, and so he doesn't bother to put forth any effort.

To use the mistaken goal chart, a parent introspects about his own reaction to the child's misbehavior and uses his feelings as a clue about which mistaken goal a child might be trying to achieve. At first, I was very resistant to this part. After all, what do my feelings have to do with my child's motivations. But when I used the chart, I found that my feelings did seem to be good clues. After putting some thought into this, I came up with this explanation.

Our feelings are automatic responses to certain kinds of situations. Anger is our reaction to a perceived injustice. Sadness to a perceived loss of a value. Happiness to a perceived gain of a value. When our children misbehave and we react to it, we are reacting to more than just the momentary situation. Our subconscious has made a gazillion integrations about our child's behavior that we may not have consciously considered. Our emotional reaction is based on what we perceive in the moment and all the integrations we've made in the past, even subconscious ones. So, when I feel anger at Livy's misbehavior, it's a good starting point to look for some injustice against me, real or perceived.

Will our feelings always lead us to the right mistaken goal? Definitely not. That's why I think it is wise to use the mistaken goal chart as Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott intended, as a guide and a starting point, and not as a final answer. Our emotions are great indicators, but they aren't tools of cognition. The mistaken goal chart tells me that if I am challenged, it would be a good idea to look and see if Livy might be seeking misguided power. The feeling of being challenged might be based on something irrational, but, especially if the parent has been working hard on his psycho-epistemology and carefully evaluating his feelings through introspection, the feeling is likely to point to something real that is going on. The mistaken goal chart is a way to find a starting point for thinking about the child's goals.

What I find so valuable about the chart is that it helps me address the root of a child's problem and not just work on the symptoms. It's possible for the same behavior to come from any of the mistaken goals, and if the parent just punished or stopped the behavior without trying to understand the cause and work on it, the behavior (or one like it) is likely to happen again.

For example, a child might refuse to put away his dirty dishes in the dishwasher because of any of the mistaken goals. What follows might not actually be said or even understood completely by the child, but these are the things they might be thinking or saying or acting.

Undue attention: "If I don't do it, mom will yell at me or help me do it. I don't care if it's negative attention, I just want her to focus on me right now."

Misguided power: "You can't make me do it! You do it! You aren't the boss of me! I don't have to put away my dishes just because you say so!"

Revenge: "You were working on your blog all day and didn't help me with my art project, so I'm not gonna do the dishes now!"

Assumed inadequacy: "I will not do it right. I never do. So why bother?"

Instead of just getting mad and forcing the child to put the dishes away, a parent who figured out his child's mistaken goal could address the larger issue while still stopping the inappropriate behavior.

In the case of undue attention, the parent might insist that the child put her own dishes away but make sure to spend some special time with the child at another time or do the dishes together while talking or singing. The limit is set about dishes, but the parent also knows that the child is craving more attention.

In the case of misguided power, the parent might insist that the child put her own dishes away but talk with the child about whether she is feeling out of control of her own life. Maybe the child needs more choices about when and how to do the dishes or maybe the child is feeling out of control in some other area. The parent can search for a way to give the child a reasonable chance to feel powerful and in control if he knows that she is acting from misguided power.

In the case of revenge, the parent can insist that the child put her own dishes away but talk about what might have hurt the child's feelings. If the parent finds out it was revenge for her all day blogging session, she can let the child know that is inappropriate and help her find other ways to express her anger. The parent can validate her feelings of anger.

In the case of assumed inadequacy, the parent might break the job down into smaller steps that seem manageable or express confidence in the child or remind her of a time she succeeded. In the future, the parent can watch for times the child does really well with chores and point out to her that she is capable.

The mistaken goal chart has become a part of the way I see Livy's behavior, and it has enhanced my response to her. When I remember to see her behavior as goal directed, though mistaken, I stay calmer and am in a problem solving frame of mind. It also helps me to teach her about introspecting about her own motivations. When I know that she is acting out of revenge, I can help her to realize that she is feeling hurt and lashing out. Then we can address the hurt in a healthier way. I hope she won't have to learn to sort out her tangled motivations in her late 20s, as I did.

I don't always get it right, though, as I said above, and that is also good practice for both of us. She gets to see that adults screw up too (always a good lesson), and, even if she tells me that I am wrong about her motivation, I still encouraged her to introspect and figure out what it was. I really really like the times when we get good results whether I am wrong or right, so the Mistaken Goal Chart is my friend!

I use things I have learned from the chart all the time, but the best times to use it for me are the times when Livy is doing the same kind of behavior over and over. Those times when nothing is working, and I feel like I am going to sell her to the gypsies. I have never gone to the Mistaken Goal Chart at a time like that and not come back with a better understanding of what the underlying problem might be or a few new suggestions for what to do (yes, there are suggestions!! Woohoo!!).

I recommend that all parents and teachers take a good look at this chart and revisit it often, especially in hard times. It's applicable to every kind of situation. It gives you different tools depending on what the problem is. It's only one piece of paper, so it will fit in your purse or pocket. It's the Swiss Army Knife of parenting tools.

Podcast #9: Positive Discipline Tool Cards

2010-07-22T15:20:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I lied about having a new process for recording the podcasts beginning with Podcast 9. Stay tuned for THAT on Podcast 11!

Here’s the line up:

Situation of the Week (Jenn): Dealing with a major potty regression

Topic: Positive Discipline Tool Cards (begins 7:00)

Q&A: What is the difference between Natural and Logical Consequences? (begins 22:02)

Thanks, as always, for listening! Send us your feedback: cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. And join our Facebook Fan Page!

Listen now, or download from iTunes or the Podbean site:

Are You a Fan Yet?

2010-07-18T17:39:00.000-04:00

I set up our official Facebook Fan Page today, woohoo! Here is the link:

Cultivating the Virtues

And you'll have noticed that there is a little box now on the left sidebar linking to it.

Our Fan Page is another step toward ~~world conquest~~ our getting this project organized into a real-live grown-up business. :D :D :D :D And also: :D

I also linked our Fan Page updates to Twitter. Yes, you can now follow Cultivating the Virtues on Twitter, too! We've actually had that account set up for many months, but hadn't a need for it until, well . . . until just now.

We'd appreciate your Fandom, RTs, accolades, laurel wreaths, and of course, questions and comments.

And here's a question--what do you think about a semi-regular "Open Thread" here on the CtV blog? If you'd be interested in something like that, let us know!

Podcast #8: Praise versus Encouragement

2010-07-13T10:18:00.000-04:00

And we’re back, after our somewhat longish break! We intend to get back on a more frequent publishing basis for a little while. Our lineup this time:

Situation of the Week (Jenn): Mom Keeping her Temper FTW! (Decide What You Will Do Positive Discipline Tool Card)

Topic: Praise versus Encouragement (begins 5:35)

Q&A: Uncles and Aunts (begins 18:44)

Technical note: Podcast 8 was the last one we recorded using Audacity on a PC (which we then transferred into GarageBand for editing on the Mac). Beginning with Podcast 9, we recorded directly into GarageBand, and we’re hoping that will improve some of the buzzing I keep hearing. At the very least, it will be easier for editing, and Brendan is going to teach Kelly and me how to do more the editing ourselves. Which may–or may not–result in more frequent posting.

As always you can download the podcast episode directly from here, and it should show up in iTunes sometime in the next day.

Grocery Store Math

2010-07-10T11:45:00.000-04:00

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I have something exciting to share with you--the last few trips to the grocery store with the kids have been, well . . . actually FUN. Before I tell you just why that is, allow me to describe a typical grocery store scene.

Sean usually rides in the cart, as he is the least trustworthy and most likely to cause lasting damage. (It's a close call, between him and Morgan, but he's the one who needs to be in the cart. I think.) We always start off fine--I've got my list, I've laid down the law set kind and firm limits about what I will and will not buy, will and will not do, and will and will not put up with during the trip.

Everyone agrees to the general plan, and apparently I am an idiot because I will often feel good about our prospects for a smooth grocery store run, suffering as I do from Grocery Store Amnesia (similar to Pregnancy Amnesia). Which is pretty funny if you think about it, as I go to the grocery store every three days, and seem to only have kids every three years. You'd think frequency would lessen the effects of GSA, but maybe it's even more powerful than amnesia caused by pregnancy. Hmph.

We wander in, Morgan on one side of the cart, Ryan on the other. We'll pick up the first few items, when suddenly the cart will veer off to the right, as M acts as a wayward rudder due to her grip on the side of the cart.

"Don't pull the cart off to the side, please!" I'll say, kindly and firmly, still in the grip of Amnesia. "Okay, Mom!" says she. Lulled by this sense of actual connection, we keep heading onward . . . toward destiny.

Okay, now we're in the produce section, and suddenly a fight breaks out between Ryan and Morgan over who gets to choose which kind of apple to buy. "Hey, we can get a couple kinds of apples!" I say, encouragingly, and because I'm still filled with patience and kindness. We work out a plan for apples (or whatever kind of fruit or veggie they were wanting) and move on.

Morgan steers the cart toward a little old lady. "Morgan! Watch where you're going!" M: . . . I try again. "Morgan? Morgan? Morgan! MORGAN!" M, surprised to hear her name: "Huh?" "M, watch where you're going! You nearly pulled the cart into that lady!" "But Mom! Did you see the lobsters?"

We all (except for me, a life-long hater of lobsters) stop and admire the lobsters.

Moving on, as I'm loading things into the cart, Ryan has now suddenly decided that the side of the cart M had been walking along was actually the one he wanted, and executes a coup. M complains for a minute, then switches to the other side. Sean, as if on cue, reaches over and pulls her hair.

I extricate M from Sean's grip, pat Sean on the back to soothe his cries as his right to pull Morgan's hair has been violated (as Ryan helpfully points out), and try to check things off my grocery list at the same time (the list is on my iPhone). Sean notices my iPhone and screams for it, just as Morgan accidentally knocks several items off a shelf, as she'd been walking down ahead of the cart with her arms outspread and, you know, actually touching the items on the shelf. I chuck the iPhone at Sean and help M pick up the boxes of whatever, when Ryan starts freaking out "Morgan! Morgan! What did she touch? Did it have peanuts in it? Blaaaaahhhhhhhgggg!"

I try to explain "It's safe, Ryan. She knocked over bags of flour/packages of diapers/the entire spice rack/etc." To no avail. He is now convinced she is contaminated with peanuts and shrieks like a banshee if she gets within three feet of him. Just for fun, Sean reaches down and pulls her hair again.

I'm only halfway through my list now, and start jogging down the aisles, tossing items into the basket (after reading the labels of course!) and trying to check the screen on my iPhone (which Sean is waving in the air over his head) to determine which items are absolutely necessary (wine) and which ones I can buy later, preferably at a time when I can ditch leave the kids with Brendan and come back to the store by myself.

Morgan, still crying from the latest hair-pulling and because she can't keep up with how fast I'm going, gets confused and accidentally turns the other way and manages to get halfway down the meat aisle before realizing that nobody is with her. She panics, not hearing me call her name or seeing me standing there (for I have noticed her detour), and starts to SCREAM.

Meanwhile, Ryan is still complaining that Morgan might have touched something with peanuts in it (no matter how I reassure him she didn't), and Sean has called everyone in the contact list on my iPhone. I decide to eff the rest of the grocery list, and consider developing a religion so I might have someone to pray to in order to get through the checkout line without losing my temper, or without Morgan or Sean actually grabbing something that DOES have peanuts in it, thereby causing Ryan to have some sort of screaming spaz* (or worse, a reaction) in the checkout lane. We finally leave, having purchased only two-thirds of the list, and I vow to NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. Until three days later.

But this, THIS! scenario hasn't happened lately, and THAT was actually the whole point of this post, but I got a little carried away there. :o)

Our latest grocery store trips have been lots of fun, and it's all because of Math. I know, MATH!

I've always tried to tally up what I'm buying, so as not to be surprised in the checkout lane. (I'm not really one for surprises as a general rule.) In the last six months I've endeavored to be a real stickler for this practice, as I'm carefully watching our money almost like I've never done before. So take the above scenario, imagine me frustrated even more because all of the altercations make me forget how much I've spent so far, and . . . that's not good.

So guess what I did? I involved the big kids! (Seanie still gets the iPhone . . . for now.) I started saying my tally out loud, and saying things like "Hmmm. . . this item is $5.50. I've already spent $32, so how much is that?" And one time, someone piped up with "$37.50!" Conceive of my surprise and delight!

I started making it into a game, and both big kids started joining in. Sometimes things get a little heated when someone is a bit quicker at the mental math than the other, so we work out a deal--M can take this question and Ryan takes the next. Morgan is usually quicker than Ryan, but he has a better grasp on the concepts and can add more quickly when carrying is necessary (such as $39 + $12) because he is able to rearrange and group the numbers into 10s and re-form the problem into $40 + $11.

Oh. My. Goodness. This is so cool. Of course, they get good math practice, and think it's fun! Also, I get help keeping tabs on what I'm spending. I can also show them how much cash I have on hand, or tell them my budget for that trip, and we can make sure we stay within it. If we're getting close to our budget, they don't pester me for extra items, and Ryan will often warn me against buying much else. We talk about other ways to change the equation around. They understand (and sometimes I'll actually point this out) how darn useful math can be, and are motivated to learn more. And now Sean will shout "67!" after the others shout it--he's paying attention and beginning to learn, too.

And apparently, doing mental math is so interesting/fun/helpful to Mom/what-have-you that there's just no energy left for walking down the aisles with arms stretched out, or arguing about who was walking on which side of the cart first. (For now.)

It's so surreal! And lovely. Wow, I hope it lasts.

*For the record, the grocery store is a harrowing place for a kid with a severe food allergy to go, so I don't blame him one little bit for being nervous. I do, however, blame him just a teensy bit for thinking I would cavalierly saunter up and down the aisles if he were in actual danger. But he'll outgrow that. I hope. :o)

Discussion, Not Debate

2010-07-09T11:49:00.000-04:00

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I'm still recovering from MiniCon and dealing with tying up loose ends, so my time for blogging is limited just at the moment. So I might be recycling just a bit, please forgive.

A couple of weeks ago, when a certain thread under discussion on the OGrownups list got heated and became a debate, we called a temporary halt to that thread, and then I wrote the following email to the group. The reason I'm posting it here on Rational Jenn is that I'm proud of the email--I really took time in crafting it and I think it's a good bit of writing--and I also think it's good general advice for thinking about communicating with others in various online forums.

Enjoy!

In keeping with a principle from Positive Discipline that my friend Kelly has condensed into the phrase "Yippee Mistakes!" I view the acrimonious debate that occurred a couple days ago as an opportunity for members of our group to learn something new, regroup, and try to improve for the future. Mistakes were made the other day, and I have no wish to rehash them or point fingers (and ask that you refrain from doing so, too). We all make mistakes--I make them all day long. What I'm interested in is how we move forward as a group.

First let me try to explain why. One of the reasons I'm so excited about this group is that it's a real opportunity for us--as Objectivists, parents, educators, caring aunts, uncles, grandparents, and lurkers who might not be in full agreement with Objectivism but who are interested and learning from our discussions--to have the kind of principled discussions about this very, very important area of our lives. I can talk to other moms in my neighborhood or homeschool groups about parenting--and I do--but those people do not share this common philosophical base with me. This group provides a value for me as a parent, a way to talk about these sometimes difficult parenting issues with others who share my values. I hope that others view this in the same way, too.

Some parenting issues are pretty straightfoward and are purely in the realm of optional values. Other issues are much more difficult to decide about, such as whether to have a repeat c-section (to use an example from my own life that some people view as a controversial, and possibly wrong, decision). I want us to be able to talk about these more difficult, possibly controversial, decisions--the morality behind them, the thinking process, our personal context, our values--here on this list. But that will be impossible if such threads degrade into name-calling and accusations.

Diana suggested that we all go back and read a short essay written by Jean Moroney (http://www.oclubs.org/newsletter/a-discussion-is-not-a-debate-how-to-keep-discussions-friendl.html) , and if you haven't yet done so, please do. To summarize a couple of key points:

A debate . . .
. . . is to be won and lost (there is a winning and a losing side)
. . . requires thorough preparation and exactness of definitions and terms

A discussion . . .
. . . is an opportunity to present your thoughts
. . . is more casual, and participants should not be held to the same standards of precision in terms as a formal debate (or other presentation)
. . . will not necessarily change someone's mind (but that's not the purpose)

And of course, discussions are what we want, not debates. (In fact, it's official OList policy, I believe!)

Here are a few more suggestions I have for future discussions on OG:

Use "I" language. Instead of "Don't be a maroooon" (as Bugs Bunny would say), say "I don't understand your point. Can you clarify further?" or say "I'm confused by this statement . . . ." Instead of deciding that the other person is [insert adjective here] ask a question to find out. "You" statements can put the other person on the defensive (which can turn the discussion into a win-lose debate); "I" statements are non-accusing and invite clarification.
Focus on making YOUR point rather than refuting someone else's point.
Consider that this group provides you with an opportunity to A.) say what you think and B.) maybe get someone else thinking about the idea in a new way.
Give people the benefit of the doubt. We all want to understand these issues and be good parents. Until you have reason to think otherwise, assume positive intent.
It's not fair to expect people to instantly change their minds about a subject, no matter how brilliant your argument happens to be. So if someone does not immediately come around to your viewpoint, that does not necessarily make him dishonest or irrational, etc. We all recognize the need for thoughtful consideration, introspection, and examination of premises. I don't know about you, but that process often takes me a while, and can't ever be done well when I'm stressed or tense.
I'm not suggesting anyone refrain from judging. Feel free to judge others, but consider that your personal judgment of someone else's character is not adding to the discussion, particularly if you are interested in trying to persuade others. Stick to the issues--think what you like of the person, but keep that out of the discussion, and tone of your email.
Keep in mind that most people don't participate in the discussions, but are probably reading them and learning from them. If people are watching a debate, the focus might be on who is going to make the next zinger, and less on the real issue at hand. That might be entertaining (or depressing) when watching politicians debate, but here, we're all trying to figure out how to do the best we can.
Save retorts and one-upmanship for private emails--honestly, it's fine with me if you want to have an acrimonious debate, just don't do it here.

Here's something I learned in the how-to-teach parenting workshops I took in the last several months: all I can do as the facilitator/presenter is present the material. The learning must be done by the participants and the observers--and I have no control over that. All I can do here on OG is present my viewpoint and evidence for it. Whether or not I change a mind--outside of my control. In a way, knowing this has been freeing to me--I have no pressure to convince anyone. I challenge myself to be clear and have good reasons for the things I say, but that's all.

Finally, remember that we have ALL made mistakes with our children, both major and minor. And remember that a mistake (Yippee Mistakes!) is a chance to reexamine a premise, change, and improve. So I hope we can move forward from here, and get back to discussing the issues that affect us and the children we all love.

OGrownups Monthly Summary

2010-07-06T11:51:00.000-04:00

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

A few days late with this, but in case you hadn't heard, I've been a little busy. :P

In June, we added 6 new members, and had a total of 235 members as of June 30.

This month's topics included:

Discussion of news articles

5 year old suspended from school for "thoughtcrime"
Katie Granju's son Henry

Blog posts by OG members

Life learning
Cultivating the Virtues podcasts
Teaching kids to evaluate risk and safety
Children's book reviews

General discussion

Education Activism (a call to arms!)
Food & Fertility
Summer Learning
A new baby (always exciting!)
Finding and OB/midwife in late pregnancy
Goat's milk
Parental rights and children's rights
Free Range Kids and hot dog dangers--a dose of sanity
Getting together at OCON (hope it's fun!)
You Might Be an Objectivist Parent If . . . (fun thread)
Support Selfish Parenting (parenting activism!)
Circumcision (understatement of the year!)
Raising Entrepreneurs (based on a TED Talk)
Computer programming for kids
Kids & Food
Piggy Banks

A very active month. Can't wait to see what July brings!

Click here to join OGrownups as a posting member or a lurker.

CtV's First iTunes Review

2010-06-30T11:53:00.000-04:00

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Kelly and I got our first review on iTunes yesterday! Unfortunately it wasn't as complimentary as we'd have liked:

"This is a very silly podcast by two young women who have no meaningful track record to indicate the value of their opinions. I guess if you're specifically looking for ideas about how to apply objectivism [sic] to parenting, you might find this interesting; but if you're looking for sound advice about child rearing, you'd do much better to ask a grandma who's actually finished raising a child or two."

I do thank the listener for taking time to write about it, and for noting that those who are interested in Objectivism as applied to parenting might get something out of the podcast. I also am absurdly thrilled to learn that apparently I sound quite young. :o)

However, I'll state for the record that I completely disagree with the underlying premise of the review, that one must be all the way finished raising a child in order to have ideas, opinions, thoughts, or offer advice about parenting. I think it's helpful to think about how you're raising your children, well, the whole way through, and ideally beginning before you acquire one.

I have never claimed to know every single thing there is to know about raising children, and indeed, I have no idea what having teenagers will be like. But since I have a sound set of parenting principles based in reality, I have a parenting framework and set of tools that are consistent with that framework that I use again and again. The situations change, sure, but the principles have taken me from years 0 - 8 quite well. And if something radical changes at some point, you can be sure I'll re-evaluate my premises if necessary.

Our first review from a listener who came to us outside of our blogs! Kind of a big deal, don't you think? And, even better, I was alerted to a woman who joined the Positive Discipline Ning group who had first heard of PD through our podcasts! Very cool.

Oh hey! We'd love some more reviews on iTunes, if you have a mind to write us one. :o) And if you're wondering, we still have many podcasts recorded and ready for production, but we've been so busy with MiniCon we just haven't had a spare second to get to it. We'll get caught up soon though.

Other People's Kids

2010-06-26T11:55:00.000-04:00

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Recently on OGrownups, Diana asked this question:

What do you do when other people's kids behave badly toward you, such as destroying your property?

For example, my three year old niece tore apart a card that I was planning to save. It wasn't a huge deal, and she was just playing, but I wanted to emphasize the principle that she shouldn't destroy other people's stuff. At the time, I expressed my surprise and dismay, told her that I'd wanted to save it, gave her the half that I didn't want, then stowed away the half I wanted to save. Nothing went wrong with that, but I wonder if I should have done differently.

More generally though, I wonder how to deal respectfully with other people's kids, yet respectfully of my own boundaries too. Advice would be appreciated.

This question generated many thoughtful and interesting responses. I'll post my response here:

Other People's Kids can be really tricky to deal with sometimes. As with pretty much everything else, context matters.

I think you handled the situation with your niece just fine--she saw the effects of her actions on you when you expressed your emotions, and learned something about property rights. Then you redirected her toward something that she could have instead. If this was just a one-time thing, then that might be all that's needed. With three-year-olds, I've said things like "Oh don't color on those walls! Those walls belong to me. If you want to color, here's some paper." I like to point out to them which things belong to me--I think they're just too young to have any clue that there are things in the world that belong to someone else!

If this became a habit (I don't know how often you see your niece, or if she lives near you), then you might take further steps, including talking to the child's parents, having a chat with her about it at a time in which you are both calm and removed from the situation (not five minutes after something gets destroyed, I mean), putting things away before she comes over, restricting her access to certain rooms of the house, meeting them on neutral territory or at her house, etc. Three years old is still quite young, and if such a thing happened repeatedly, I'd do all of those things, and wait until she matures a bit more before relaxing such rules.

Was the child's mom or dad present? What did s/he say? Sometimes when handling OPKs I will take a cue from or follow the lead of the parent. If I'm keeping someone else's child at my house, then I generally treat them the way I treat my kids--our house rules are the same for all, and we handle problem-solving issues and redirections the same way across the board. If you don't have kids, this might be hard to come up with maybe, lacking general kid-related policies and procedures perhaps, but really it boils down to having clear, honest communication with children, exactly like you did above.

(Sometimes kids who are in my charge don't quite know what to do when I ask them to help problem-solve--the differences in the ways we parent and our kids' friends' parents parent are becoming more obvious as the kids get older)--but hey, my house my rules! You got a problem--you're expected to help with the solution!)

Even tricker with OPKs are playground situations where there is no other parent around (as far as I can tell), and the other parent hasn't explicitly left the child in my care. So OPKs who cut in line at the slide or try to blow into the other end of a snorkel while my child is wearing it (sitting on him and pushing him down into the water in the process) or even very little ones who wander in the pathway of a swing or a slide--it's a little trickier because sometimes you can't predict how the other parent will react. Though I generally just follow my usual Kid Policies and Procedures: "Oh hey! Did you see that this girl [pointing to Morgan] was waiting for a turn?" or "He doesn't want you to touch his snorkel or push him down. Can you give him some space please?" or "Oops! You're very close to the swings!" and then gently scoop the kid out of the way.

I have rarely had a negative reaction from other parents (who often appear from nowhere when the realize someone else is disciplining their child--as I would, too), but I've had a few, including one mother who was appalled that I might scoop her toddler out of the way of an incoming swing + kid. For the record, anyone reading this--PLEASE feel free to scoop my kids if they're in danger! :o) I read a blog post a while back about a dad who did something similar at a playground and the other parent called the cops!

One more version of tricky--when other parents you are friends with or see fairly regularly are doing things that makes you worry they are putting their children into harm's way. We have neighbors and one of the elderly, nearly helpless, grandmas lives with them. Yet they continued to use her as a babysitter for the kids after school let out and before they got home from work, etc. So many times she was unable to unlock the door from the inside of the house to let the kids inside--the kids would come here and get the extra key. Trying to get my neighbor (who I used to be closer to than I am now, for other reasons) to understand my concerns about the safety of the kids (and the granny) was futile. I always felt torn about sending them there if they'd been here playing and one of the parents was not yet home. Finally I got to a place where I had to let it go. This was the parents' decision, and both kids are old enough and have enough sense I think to come get me or another neighbor should something happen. My neighbor knows I'm uneasy about her arrangement, but again, it's her decision. It was easier for me to let it go once I sat down and thought about the kids, what I knew about them and how sensible they are, and also now that they're a bit older.

I'm definitely interested in more discussion about how to handle situations with other people's kids!

One thing I'd like to add to my response that pertains specifically to Diana's original question: When dealing with little ones--your own or the ones who belong to others--tone of voice is critical. (I'm sure Diana's tone of voice was appropriate!) I mention this because it's an issue that I often need to watch in myself.

I'm not suggesting that you keep all emotion out of your voice. Even young children are hardy enough to experience the consequences of their actions, and that includes emotional consequences in others. Still, sometimes I have to make myself step back and repeat "Assume Positive Intent" and remember that the little ones especially simply don't know about these things yet, and a gentle tone will get my point across effectively, too.

What say you?

Podcast #7: Siblings

2010-06-16T09:25:00.002-04:00

This episode is our most FUN podcast to date (in my–Jenn’s–humble). This time we have:

Situation of the Week (Kelly): A reminder to give gentle feedback to children
Topic: Siblings (begins 4:26)
Q & A: Negotiating with a child–what to do if the child doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain (begins 21:07)

Here’s a link to the book we mentioned at the end of the section on Siblings–SO highly recommended:

I think that Podcast #7 is where we started to get our stride. It’s fun, and enjoyable, and I hope you like it, too!
In other exciting podcasting news: You can now find us on iTunes! We feel like real-live grownup podcasters now! (Thanks so much to Diana and Andrew M. for your assistance with this process!) I will add this podcast shortly, as soon as I can figure out how, but the first six episodes are up. We’d really appreciate you taking the time to visit us on iTunes and rating our podcast.
As always, thanks for listening, and please continue to send us comments, questions, and feedback to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

Here's the episode, and you can visit our podcast site directly by clicking here.

Podcast #6: The Trader Principle

2010-06-04T15:15:00.001-04:00

This week’s topic is The Trader Principle!

Situation of the Week (Kelly): Helping a child manage her frustrations

Topic: The Trader Principle (begins at 5:51)

Q&A: Toothbrushing Tactics (begins at 17:07)

Thanks for listening! This podcast marks the end of our first group of recordings. We made a couple of changes beginning with Podcast #7. I hope the technical changes will not be apparent, or at least improve the listening experience. And next time we’ll have our first question for the Q&A that came to us after we started podcasting. (Click here to get to the podcast site to download it directly.)

Enjoy this week’s podcast, and help us spread the word! As always, send us email at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. We’d love some constructive feedback, and of course, questions for our Q&A or topic suggestions.

Parenting Toolbox: The 3 Rs of Recovery

2010-06-03T15:21:00.000-04:00

(from Reepicheep's Coracle)

When I pulled out this card* today, looking for a tool to write about, I knew it was the right one. I love the cards that tell me how to behave because often, that's all it takes for Livy to behave. Amazing how big an effect it has on her when I act like the responsible, mature adult I should be. This card also explains a tool that I can pass on to Livy as a life skill, and I love those too. And last, but not least, I had to use the steps on this card recently in my daily life.

The card reads:

"Making mistakes isn't as important as what you do about them. Use these steps after you have had a chance to cool off.

"1. Recognize the mistake with a feeling of responsibility instead of blame.

"2. Reconcile by apologizing. Children are so forgiving.

"3. Resolve the problem by working together on a respectful solution."

So, in case you guys were not aware of this, I mess up all the time. I set limits that are unnecessary. I yell at Livy. I boss her when I ought to mind my own business. I treat her unkindly or like I'm superior or like she is a bother. I hurry her up when I don't have anything in particular to do. I let lesser priorities get ahead of her.

And, in case you guys were not aware of this, if you generally treat your child with respect and allow her to voice her opinions, she will let you know immediately when you do any of the bad things above. :)

I try to always keep in mind that I am forging a new path, parenting in a new way (not the way I was parented), and mistakes are to be expected. Not only expected, but welcomed as new chances to learn how to behave myself. Not that I want to yell at her. But when I do, instead of kicking myself (mentally or physically), I can be glad that I have seen a flaw in my behavior or thinking and that I have a chance to work on it.

Therefore, my motto: YIPPEE MISTAKES!!

But what to do when you make a mistake with your kids? Here's a list of some of the ways I have seen parents handle mistakes.

1. Hide them. After all, if we want our kids to respect us, we had better appear to be infallible. Everyone who has ever worked for a jackass boss knows that we don't respect people who cannot admit that they are wrong and make amends. We see them as insecure and rigid and dishonest, and they are.

2. Don't even acknowledge the mistake to yourself. They are only kids, anyway, and we can treat them any way we want. We are the adults; we must be right. This is even worse than the first one. At least if you only hide your mistakes you can improve secretly. If you don't even allow that you could be wrong, there is no possibility of change.

3. Blame them on the kid. "Well, I may have yelled, but you shouldn't do that and make me so mad." Also the M.O. of spousal abusers, though at least their victims can leave. Once again, dishonest, but also just mean. And what a terrible lesson to teach, that a child is responsible for other people's feelings and behavior. This means he is his brother's keeper, and even his mom's.

So, as usual, positive discipline has another approach: the three Rs. When we screw up, we can accept responsibility, apologize to the wronged person, and make a plan (ideally, involving the wronged person in the planning) for working on this problem in the future.

Here's an example of how this might work with me and Livy. I can't think of a recent situation when I've used this with her, so I'm making one up, but it could easily happen this way for us.

Imagine Livy happily playing in her room, absorbed in some important and yet invisible (to me) project. I walk in and say, "Okay, I need some help with the dishes." She says, "I'm busy. I'll help later." I say, "Look, I cooked dinner and grew these vegetables and the least you can do is come and help me clean." We end up in a fight because she doesn't want to disengage from her work, and I am stubbornly refusing to butt out. When I realize that I didn't take her work into account or try to be at all flexible about the help I needed (everything had to be on my time schedule), here's what I would do.

1. Recognize the mistake. Thinking in my head, "I hate to be interrupted and bossed too. Her work is just as important to her as mine is to me, and there was no reason those dishes could not have waited 10 or 15 minutes. I should have been more respectful of her time."

2. Reconcile by apologizing. To Livy: "I'm sorry that I just came in here and demanded that you stop what you were doing and help me RIGHT NOW. I should have told you that I needed help and then worked out a time for doing it that was good for both of us." After this, Livy would definitely need to talk with me about it and probably cry a little bit, if it was an intense fight. I wouldn't move on to step 3 until we were actually reconciled, and she felt heard.

3. Resolve by problem solving. Me: "I don't want to act like that in the future, so I'll need to work on it. Any ideas?" Livy: "Don't boss me anymore." Me: "That's my goal, but I need a plan to help me practice and remember. What if you hold up your hand if I start rudely interrupting you so that I can remember not to?" Livy: "Or I could close my door if I am working on something important." Me: "Okay, that sounds good. Then, when I stop to knock, that will help me remember to respect your time. I'll still want to tell you I need help and work out a plan for when you can take a break and help me." Livy: "That's fine. Now can I get back to my project?" Me: "Sure. When can you help me with the dishes?" Livy: "10 minutes?" Me: "Okay, I'll set the timer."

Now, what did I get out of this? First, I got to make amends for a mistake and repair the relationship with a person I value very much. I got to show her that I want to treat her well, which makes her feel better and makes me feel better too. I got to be virtuous; I used honesty (because looking a mistake square in the face is looking at reality), integrity (because I chose to act in accordance with my values), productivity (because parenting is a career and this is the kind of work I want to do in my parenting), and pride (because I was looking back over my behavior to see if it was virtuous). I also got to teach Livy some important lessons, and that is a big goal of mine.

Here's what I think she got out of it: She learned that adults make mistakes, even parents, and that when she is an adult, she will make mistakes as well. She learned what to do when she makes a mistake. She learned that when we bring a mistake to the forefront instead of evading it, both people (the mistake-maker and the victim of the mistake) get to feel better. She learned about how to be virtuous by watching me use honesty, integrity, productivity, and pride, even if she doesn't know their names yet. She learned that it is not okay to boss people around and to misuse power. And she learned that I love her and don't want to treat her badly, even when I sometimes do it by mistake. That's quite a lot from one little mistake from me and a conversation.

Because it is so applicable to every single person in the world, I think that this tool should be considered a life tool or a people tool, rather than just a parenting tool. I used it myself recently with another adult.

I lost my temper and wrote an unfair blog post. Once I cooled down and realized what I did, I used these 3 steps to handle the situation. They took a long time because it was a big confusing mistake, but in the end, they worked in the same way they do with kids.

First, I acknowledged to myself the mistake I had made. And not just that I had made a mistake, but exactly what I had done and why. This first step is really a kind of introspection, where we figure out what happened and admit, to ourselves, exactly what the error was. Next, I apologized to the person I went off on. I explained my mistake to him and told him how sorry I was.

Finally, I made a plan (This time, I did the problem solving alone, since the victim of my mistake was a stranger and not someone I was likely to go off on again.) for how I was going to cool off before publishing blog posts in the future. I thought of what I could do to made amends to him (apologizing publicly and taking down the post) and of what I could do to prevent these kinds of mistakes in the future.

By dealing with my mistake this way instead of one of the other ways I mentioned, I got to be virtuous and feel better and work for my future improvement. My victim got some justice and acknowledgment from me and got the feeling of reconciliation too. This way of handling the mistake was a win for both of us.

Admitting mistakes openly makes some people feel embarrassed and humbled, but I don't think we have to see it that way. When I behaved so badly, I was not acting virtuously. Nothing else I could do afterward would erase that. My choice was in how to handle the aftermath of the mistake, virtuously or not. When we use these 3 Rs, since we are acting virtuously, we can feel the dignity and honor that virtuous action brings us. I may have been a jackass on the day I wrote the post, but I can be proud of the way I handled it afterward, at least.

This is a big lesson I want Livy to take into adulthood: when we handle mistakes rationally, using these 3 Rs, we are help ourselves (the virtues lead to happiness, after all), and we maintain healthy relationships (treating our loved ones with respect). And I think owning up when I make mistakes is the best way for her to learn it.

*You can see Jane Nelson's Positive Discipline Tool Cards here.

Podcast #5: Free Range Parenting

2010-05-27T10:46:00.000-04:00

Hooray hooray hooray! Podcast #5 is up! (Click here to go to the podcast website to download it directly to your player.)

This time, we have:

Situation of the Week (Jenn): Dealing with pointless bickering

Topic: Free Range Parenting (begins 4:26)

Q&A: Childhood Fears (begins 18:45)

One thing we forgot to do was mention Lenore Skenazy by name! (Lenore, should you ever happen upon this post and podcast, sorry!) She is the woman who kicked off the Free Range Kids movement (is it a movement?). Her website is: http://freerangekids.com. Her book is called Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry).

We also talked about a wonderful book by Gavin De Becker, which has great common sense ideas for teaching kids to be safety-conscious (without freaking them out unnecessarily). His book is called Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane).

Thanks for listening!

Podcast #4: Independence

2010-05-12T10:02:00.001-04:00

This week’s podcast features a discussion on the virtue of Independence and how parents can encourage independence of thought and action in children. Here’s the lineup:

Situation of the Week (Kelly): Handling conflict with a child/choosing battles

Topic: Independence (begins 5:30)

Q&A: What are some ways to deal with kids interrupting? (begins 19:06)

As always, please leave us some feedback in the comments, or email us at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. You can also listen to the podcast by clicking on it just below, or you can visit our podcast home at Podbean and download it directly onto your mp3 player by clicking on the options just below the post.

I’m happy that we have finally streamlined our production process (all thanks to Brendan!) and it’s taking much less time for us to edit the raw podcast files. And starting with our next recording session (beginning with Podcast #9, as the first 8 have already been recorded), our process will become easier and quicker because we’ll have access to a Mac laptop. Hoo. Ray.

Many of our listeners have requested that we produce the podcast in iTunes format, and that is definitely on our list of things to do! We’ll make an announcement as soon as we get to that. In the meantime, thanks for listening and thanks for your patience!

Assume Positive Intent: Another View

2010-05-04T14:15:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

One of my personal parenting principles (say that ten times fast!) is Assume Positive Intent, as regular readers realize (say that ten times fast!). I've written about it here and there, and sometimes I've explained it well, and sometimes I think my explanation has been a little confusing.

Assume Positive Intent is a useful tool for helping me figure out what to do in a situation that requires Thoughtful Parenting. API is a reminder to me that the child is not necessarily trying to misbehave on purpose in order to turn my hair gray or make my eyes shoot red laser beams (although sometimes that is certainly the case).

API means that the kid is doing X because she is trying to fulfill a real actual (in other words, positive) need or desire that she has. She may not understand that X is dangerous/annoying/completely irrational and she may not care. The point is that the motivation behind her behavior isn't necessarily bad--it's misdirected.

Here's another way to understand Assume Positive Intent from an Objectivist point-of-view. (I almost don't know why it never occurred to me to explain it this way before.) When the kid is doing something you'd rather he not do: whining, hitting, being aggressive with his siblings, jumping like a maniac all over the house, think of what he's doing this way--he is pursuing his self-interest irrationally. He is making a mistake about how to go about getting what he believes to be in his self-interest.

We want our kids to be rationally selfish, to pursue self-interest. In the Introduction to The Virtue of Selfishness, Ayn Rand wrote (original emphasis):

Just as man cannot survive by any random means, but must discover and practice the principles which his survival requires, so man’s self-interest cannot be determined by blind desires or random whims, but must be discovered and achieved by the guidance of rational principles. This is why the Objectivist ethics is a morality of rational self-interest—or of rational selfishness.

(Via the online Ayn Rand Lexicon)

Often selfishness is misunderstood by non-Objectivists, because of the way the word selfishness is more commonly used. Rational selfishness, or rational self-interest, does not mean "every man for himself" or that pursuing one's self-interests is a license to stomp all over others in one's path. Again, from the Introduction to The Virtue of Selfishness (my emphasis in bold; original emphasis in italics):

The Objectivist ethics holds that the actor must always be the beneficiary of his action and that man must act for his own rational self-interest. But his right to do so is derived from his nature as man and from the function of moral values in human life—and, therefore, is applicable only in the context of a rational, objectively demonstrated and validated code of moral principles which define and determine his actual self-interest. It is not a license “to do as he pleases” and it is not applicable to the altruists’ image of a “selfish” brute nor to any man motivated by irrational emotions, feelings, urges, wishes or whims.

Quite a lot of parenting has to do with helping kids put the rational into "rational self-interest." The self-interest part comes very naturally, as far as I can tell. They want things for themselves, and they want things first, and they want more than other people, and quite frankly, they might be willing to kill someone over who gets a turn with that helicopter. (I'm not prepared to test that supposition for real, though.)

It's that pesky rationality! Kids are developing this skill all the time, and the gray matter with which to perform this necessary function is still in development-mode, too. Part of what makes parenting such a frustrating endeavor for me is that I'm dealing with people who are irrational (or sometimes a-rational, when they're really little perhaps). So it helps me to remember that when they are annoying the ever-loving-crap out of me, it's because they are trying to pursue their self-interests, and they are doing so in an irrational manner.

The Positive Discipline peopleguys (Jane Nelsen and Lynne Lott) have developed a tool called the Mistaken Goal Chart (here's a link to a site where you can buy a copy of it, but it's also included in many of the Positive Discipline books). They derived the chart from different premises, but the tool is very useful because the underlying idea is essentially the same--kids are trying to satisfy a valid need and are going about satisfying that need in the wrong way. Maybe I'll write more about the similarities and differences in another post.

Back to these kids and their misbehaviors. Or maybe we should reframe that word, look it as a contraction of sorts: mis(taken)behaviors, instead of mis-- as in "wrong?" Anyway.

So, shrieking in my ear? You want my attention, and are attempting to get it in a mistaken way.

Grabbing toys from your baby brother? You believe it to be in your self-interest to have a turn with that toy, and are going about fulfilling it in a non-rights-respecting way.

Want to eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch, dinner, elevensies, second breakfast, etc.? Not in your rational self-interest over the long-term.

Think the only way to resolve a conflict with another is to resort to your fists, or run and hide and pretend there is no conflict, or always give in to the other person's demands? None of those strategies are rational (using brute force, evasion, or subverting your self-interests to another's).

In each of those instances of mistaken goals, or pursuing self-interest irrationally, a parent may (but perhaps not always) need to step in and guide, communicate, restrict, provide teaching or a tool, or set a limit in a dozen ways. This assumption of positive intent, the realization that the child is attempting to satisfy his self-interest in a mistaken or irrational manner, really helps shape MY attitude in dealing with the mis(taken)behavior. (I like that!)

I can make sure that the parenting I do is focused on the long-term and helping the kids understand why the limit I'm setting really is in their rational self-interest. It's also easier for me to remain calmer and focused on guiding and helping them out in a kind and respectful way (as opposed to punishing or shaming them with guilt or bribing them for short-term results), which in turn strengthens the relationship I have with each of them (for each is a rational value of mine, and I hope that when they're grown they choose me as a rational value, too).

And that is another way to look at Assume Positive Intent! :o)

Podcast #3: Why Non-Punitive Discipline?

2010-05-03T10:00:00.001-04:00

And this process is becoming slightly easier! Hooray! A million thanks to Brendan for his work. We had a few technical wrinkles to smooth over (hopefully the final wrinkles), so this week’s podcast is a little simpler in production.

Situation of the Week (Jenn): A child models correct behavior for another child, FTW!

Topic: Why Non-Punitive Discipline/The Ambassador Analogy (begins 3:42)

Q&A: Celebrating Holidays as non-religious parents (begins 12:55)

We hope you enjoy! See you next week!

Note: You can play it here, or you can go to our Podbean site and download it directly to your iPod or other player. Turning these into iTunes files is on our list of Things To Do, but it'll still probably be a while before we get to that step.

PD Tool Card: Wheel of Choice Update

2010-05-03T09:18:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Since Ryan and his friends worked out an Anger Wheel of Choice after there was a Big Fight, we’ve had another playdate at our house. I thought I’d share how I handled the next step of the process.

One afternoon last week, A. and H. knocked on the door and wanted to play. I was holding the sleeping baby, so I told Ryan to invite them inside to talk before they went out to play together. We got the Wheel of Choice out and I told them all that I wanted to review it with them. A. and H. were impressed to see that we had made their ideas into a picture. I think impressed is the right word—they seemed pleased for sure, smiling and pointing.

A. read each choice out loud, pausing to re-enact the “Make a Mad Face” and “Hit Yourself” options. All of the kids giggled and I made sure that they all still agreed to their plan. They did, and they went out to play in the back yard. (I think Livy might have been over that day, too, but I can’t quite remember.)

Because I am not a fool, I went outside after a little while to check up on the kids. Just in case. :o)

As it happened, they’d all climbed the fence and were in the other kids’ yard. So I wandered close to the fence to have a listen and peek at them.

Then I heard “You’re a cheater!”

I think I held my breath as I watched through the fence. The three boys ran from the back of the yard to the patio, with Morgan trailing behind. Even though someone (couldn’t tell which kid) was still saying “Cheater!!!” nobody appeared to be upset. Odd.

Then when they all got to the patio, Ryan said, “Okay. Now we have to pick from our Wheel of Choices.” A. suggested “How about ‘Pull Up Grass’?” And all of the children agreed, and started pulling up grass.

What they were doing was role-playing using the Wheel of Choice!!! I couldn’t believe it. Never in a million years did I imagine that they’d do this. After they pulled up some grass, someone said “Okay, it’s someone else’s turn!” Then they ran to the back of the yard, someone accused someone else of a crime, or called a mean name, then they all came back to the patio and picked another option from the Wheel of Choice (Ryan insists it’s “Choices” by the way).

They did this a few times, then got bored with that game and went off and played something else for a while.

Now not everything has been conflict-free since then, but Ryan and A. have both come to get me when there have been problems. And we have helped them work through some issues that have come up. Conflicts are going to happen. But so far, so good—nobody has resorted to punching!

On My Way to Certification!

2010-05-01T11:53:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I sent the following Letter of Intent to the Positive Discipline Organization yesterday. This letter is one of the requirements to being accepted formally into the certification program. I hope to hear back from them soon. :o) Anyway, thought you might be interested!

I am writing this letter to state my intent to pursue certification as a Positive Discipline Trainer (CPDT).

A little bit about myself--I am a homeschooling stay-at-home mom to three wonderfully interesting (and often wonderfully frustrating!) children--son Ryan--age 8, daughter Morgan--age 5, and son Sean--almost 2. We live in metro Atlanta, where my husband Brendan is a computer programmer. I have an undergraduate degree in English from Purdue University, and an MBA in Operations and Economics from Kennesaw State University.

Before I had children, I managed large teams of people and facilitated improvement teams at the large pediatric hospital system here in Atlanta. Facilitating performance/process improvement was a fun, challenging part of my job and I enjoyed bringing different people together and helping them work together to solve a common problem, and then monitor the implemented changes to determine if the changes resulted in improvements (such as better clinical outcomes or quicker waiting times). I had no idea at the time how similar my job as a parent would be to my previous career!

When our first child was born, I realized that I wanted to stay home and care for him as long as possible. Then we made the decision to homeschool him (and our other children, too). Sometimes I miss my other careers, but I wouldn't trade my current one for anything.

I first learned about Positive Discipline when Ryan was a baby, when I was searching for parenting books at the bookstore. I was very interested in this parenting strategy as it seemed gentle (my husband and I agreed before having children that we would never spank), and yet provided many creative ways to set limits in a firm and fair way. A friend of mine (Kelly Elmore) was interested in this idea, too, and we spent many hours on a Yahoo email group learning about this way of parenting. Having both my husband and Kelly to talk over successes and struggles with has been invaluable as my children have grown in number and age and our parenting challenges have changed, too.

One of the most important things about Positive Discipline ideas is how well they complement the ideas I have tried to live my life by for the last 21 years. I am an Objectivist, meaning that I try to follow and advocate the philosophical ideas of Objectivism, the philosophy of Ayn Rand. I want to be (and am!) a happy person, and I strongly believe that pursuing my values virtuously (with independence, honesty, integrity, productivity, pride, justice, and rationality) will help me attain happiness over the long-term.

And what I want for myself, I also want for my children! I want them to use their minds well and independently, to be honest with others and themselves (integrity), to work productively in areas of their choosing. I have found that the process of using non-punitive discipline with my children fosters all of those virtues (and more). I cannot expect them to become independent adults if they have been trained to obey me, to rely on me for rewards for good behavior and punishments for mistakes. I cannot expect them to learn the value and joy of pursuing productive work if they have become dependent on external motivators every time they are faced with a challenge. If I focused my parenting on rewards and punishments of MY choosing, I cannot expect them to develop a healthy self-esteem or pride in accomplishing their own achievements, for they would learn to ever look to me, to look away from themselves, for validation or a prize.

In each of the three Positive Discipline Workshops I have attended here in Atlanta (one by Jane Nelsen and two by Tracy McConaghie), the first thing that we did was form a list of character traits we'd like our children to have as adults. The lists character traits that we parents generated are almost identical to the virtues I listed above. In each workshop, the leader was careful to demonstrate how the activity that we all just learned supported many (if not all) of the character traits on our lists. It's a very powerful exercise.

I make mistakes as a parent all the time, and each time I do, I learn something about myself, the children, and we all focus on finding a better way to handle that particular problem in the future. This is the same way I handle mistakes I made in the work environment, and with my husband or friends. We express our emotions about what happened, reconnect, acknowledge the wrong and try to make amends (that's justice), and work on a new plan for next time. So even though a mistake has occurred, we are all a little better off at the end of the problem-solving process for having acknowledged what happened and come up with something new to try together. I think many of the exercises used in Positive Discipline apply to all kinds of human relationships, not just those of parent-child or teacher-student.

I have been writing about Positive Discipline as we use it here in my house for a few years now on my blog, Rational Jenn. Writing about our challenges and the underlying ideas behind the techniques, making connections between PD ideas and Objectivist philosophy, has helped me clarify my thinking about parenting, Positive Discipline, and Objectivism. I have been able to make the principles by which I parent more explicit and that explicitness in turn helps keep me on track as a parent. I've also been involved in many, many online discussions about PD and Objectivism that have helped my thinking in this area, too, and I have even managed to get a few other Objectivists interested in Positive Discipline!

I have recently turned to podcasting about Positive Discipline, Objectivism and parenting, a joint project with my friend Kelly, called Cultivating the Virtues. Our third podcast should be coming out next week. I also moderate an email discussion list for those interested in applying Objectivism to parenting and education. Not everyone on that list follows Positive Discipline, but we do talk about the ideas, and even when an idea is challenged, it gets me thinking.

I am ready to pursue my certification because I am passionate about the strategies and techniques of Positive Discipline, and I am eager to share what I know with others. Kelly and I have two "mini" workshops planned for July, and I plan to conduct classes on my own and in partnership with Kelly as time and interest permit. But most of all, I want to pursue this certification so that I can improve as a parent to my own beautiful children. I am always thinking about parenting issues (since my children never leave my side!), and am always looking for new ways to apply the principles of Positive Discipline in my own situation. What better way to acquire new ideas than to facilitate classes and discussions where such ideas are generated!

Thanks for your consideration! I am so excited to be on the path to certification!

Podcast #2: Temperament

2010-04-27T12:06:00.003-04:00

Here’s the second podcast! Woohoo! (You can click here to go to our podcast website and download it directly.)

The format for this time is:

* Situation of the Week (by Kelly)
* Topic: Temperament (begins around 4:54)
* Q&A (begins around 28:17)

Yes, we went REALLY long on our topic, partly because it’s a favorite one of ours, and partly because we forgot to watch our time! (Chalk that second reason up to our learning curve.) We were much more vigilant in our subsequent recordings, so we hope you won't hold our blathering on against us. :o)

Brendan did an absolutely AMAZING job of editing our podcast! He fixed the extreme left-right-stereo problem (which couldn’t have been avoided for the first podcast due to some of the technical problems we had recording the first podcast). But it sounds MUCH better. He also made our music sound fancy, and don’t miss the section with Morgan, Ryan, and Livy, just before the Q&A begins! We know that our sounds are still very poppy (hard P sounds, for instance), but we changed the position of the microphones beginning with the third podcast, so hopefully you’ll find that this is less noticeable beginning next time.

Our plan for now is to release a podcast about once a week, usually on a Monday or Tuesday. So check back next week for Podcast #3!

UPDATE: Here's the picture of Ryan and Livy that Kelly mentioned in the podcast. Ryan's about 3, and Livy's about 18 months old.

The One about the Fight

2010-04-26T12:26:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

If you follow me on Twitter (and really, you should!), you might be aware that last week Ryan got into a fist fight with one of his neighborhood friends. I didn't actually witness the fight, which I think is an advantage for me in a strange way. Certainly this is a situation that requires Thoughtful Parenting, and now that things seem to have been resolved, I'm ready to share this story.

It was a nice spring afternoon, and Ryan and Morgan were running around in the backyard with four of their friends from the neighborhood. In addition to my kids, there were A., H., W., and E. All boys except for Miss Morgan.

There was some kind of play battle going on, as I could hear from inside. I was getting the baby down for his nap and we were rocking and rocking and rocking in the easy chair. As I was absentmindedly listening to the sounds from outside, I noticed a change in the screaming. If you have kids, you have probably had those moments where you wonder "Hmmm...is that part of the game, or is someone hurt/crying/mad/beating the crap out of someone else?" Well then.

I heard Ryan shout "Get out of my yard!!!!"

Then, A: "You're not the boss of me!!!!"

Then, more screaming.

Then, crashboombangunidentifednoises....

Then Morgan was stomping up the back stairs and saying, round-eyed, "Ryan and A. are having a fight!!!"

By this point I was trying to pretend that Sean was ready to be put down on his own so I could deal with this apparently serious situation. Sean, to my chagrin, was actually not in the mood for pretending along with me, so the next 10 minutes of my life were filled with screaming, pissed off boys. Morgan maintained her composure, but had the Big Eyes of Wonder and Worry.

W. and E. were waiting at the front door, ready to fill me on the details. A. and H. had already gone home. I had to tell W. and E. several times "No thank you, I don't want to hear about what happened. It's time for everyone to take a break and go back to their own houses." W. in particular was simply itching to tell me all kinds of stuff. (More on why I didn't want to hear his version in a bit.)

Meanwhile, Ryan was furious and trying to hold back tears. I made the mistake of trying to touch him once or twice and quickly backed off. (What am I, new here?) After Ryan ran upstairs to rage and/or calm down, I talked to Morgan to find out what she knew.

Based on both of their stories, here's what I was able to piece together:

All of the kids were playing a battle and then A. hit Ryan in the eye with a swim noodle (aka, a sword or lance or other weapon) on purpose (according to Ryan). When Ryan accused A. of the crime, A. called Ryan a moron (among other things) and the screaming began. A. threw a lawn chair at Ryan, who then threw it at the fence (which explains some of the crashing I heard). Some other lawn implements may or may not have been hurled. Then the fists started flying. (Neither boy was seriously physically hurt.)

Here's the thing: I don't really actually care who hit first or whether A. hit Ryan on purpose with the noodle. Which is why I sent the other boys home without hearing their eyewitness reports.

Most of the reason I don't care is because, quite frankly, I can't trust my sources. :o) Not only that, I didn't want to listen to W. and E. at that particular moment because Ryan was still in the Beyond Upset and Planning his Revenge Phase, and any variation from the Official, Ryan-Approved Version of the story would have been throwing fuel on top of that particular fire.

Now, based on what I know about both of these boys and their many years of history, personalities, etc. I do think it very likely that A. hit Ryan with the swim noodle accidentally, and Ryan overreacted by ordering A. out of the yard. And I also find it very likely that A. was probably the prime mover in the punching of the fists portion of the program.

Even so--what actually happened is less important to me than the fact that neither boy was very injured (no blood was shed at all), and that both boys have a plan going forward for how they will handle this next time.

After Ryan calmed way down (took a couple of hours), he told me his perspective about what happened and why. We discussed other ideas for what he could do the next time he and A. got so mad at each other that they felt like hitting each other, or really, the next time anybody felt like someone was hurting them on purpose in any way (the swim noodle!). I explained that I didn't really want them to play together until the two of them talked about what happened and agreed on a plan for next time. Ryan understood what I was saying, but was still in I'm Never Playing With HIM Ever Again mode.

Also, I should mention that I talked over with Morgan some things she could do if she ever found herself in a bystander role. She could, of course, come and get a grownup, which she did. She was happy to know she did a right thing. I also suggested that she could shout "STOP!" as loud as she could, because that might get the fighters to realize they should stop. Or at the very least, alert any grownups who happen to be nearby trying to put toddlers down for a nap.

And this is where the real parenting challenge began for me. Because I haven't had the best success in getting cooperation from the other parents when our boys have had disagreements in the past. They are nice people, but they parent differently from the way we do (tending toward permissive, I'd say), and they also seem really reluctant to handle anything that requires a confrontation or a resolution toward the future. In fact, based on the way similar (but less serious) matters have been treated in the past, I was not at all hopeful that the other mom would even agree to having the boys talk together about this.

Later that afternoon, I called the other mom, who seemed pleasantly surprised to find that I was calling regarding the fight. Sigh. But she did readily agree to my idea that I thought that Ryan and A. needed to sit down together, with us parents, and talk about what happened and figure out a plan for next time. We agreed to get the boys together after dinner that night.

That might have worked on our end. After those several hours had passed, Ryan had calmed down and developed some perspective (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and I think he would have been fine in our discussion. However, the other boy had fallen asleep at an unusually early hour. From the stress of the fight? Or was he over-tired and was that a factor in what happened? Who knows? Anyway, the discussion didn't happen that night.

His mom texted me to say A. had fallen asleep early, but mentioned that she had "talked to him" about the incident. I called the next day and left a message. Then nothing for a couple of days. Based on the past, I think she thought (thinks?) that because I'd talked to Ryan and she'd talked to her son, that the problem was handled.

But the way I view it, the problem that the boys have with each other was not handled. Each mom talked to her boy, and we probably said the same things to each of them: "Use words." "Come and get me next time." "I'm sure he didn't mean it that way." And maybe what we said was comforting (because that's what we mommies do, comfort).

However, I strongly believe that Ryan and A. needed to discuss the problem and agree on a plan for next time. A big component of Positive Discipline is looking forward. We don't just deal with what's just happened, we don't just listen, empathize, and not punish; we put tools into the hands of our children so that they might be better equipped to handle similar issues in the future. (As an aside, I think punishments/rewards can distract from the learning of new tools. Also, taking time to calm down helps, since in the heat of the moment, people often don't really care about the future, focused as they are on the recent past and their present feelings of anger.)

What I decided to do after I started to suspect that the other mom considered the matter closed is talk to both boys myself. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do parenting-wise when there's a kid involved who doesn't belong to you. But no matter what the other mom and kid want, MY kid is involved and I want him to have these tools. Also because of what had occurred, I really didn't trust the two of them to play together without supervision. I hate having to supervise 7 and 8 year olds playing in the backyard when they ought to be able to supervise themselves. So I wanted both boys to have some tools to use for next time, and this needed to be a prerequisite of their playing together unsupervised.

Well, we happened to see A. and H. this evening while grilling out our dinner on the balcony. The kids all seemed super happy to see each other and Ryan and A. were talking like old times. Yay. I was biding my time, not saying anything about the fight (they were talking over the fence between our yards). Then Ryan asked if he could go over and I jumped at the opportunity. This was not the way I'd envisioned it--sitting together in the kitchen, with parents from all sides, etc. But I went for it anyway.

I told them I'd be happy for them to play together, but I thought the two of them--all of them really, since H. and Morgan were there, too--ought to come up with a plan for next time they all felt angry and wanted to start hitting each other. All four children (ages 5, 5.5, 7.5, and 8) readily agreed. In fact, they were kind of laughing about the incident. A. said, "Yeah, we don't want that to happen again." and Ryan agreed.

So I said, "Okay, do you want to hear my idea? Let's all think of six OTHER things we might do if we're feeling so mad we might want to hit."

A.: "We saw a movie at school that talked about 10 things to do instead of fight."

Me: "Great! Give us some ideas!"

And the kids--all FOUR of them--came up with six ideas. It was kind of difficult to keep the conversation on track, since they sort of drifted off into wild and crazy tangents, and kept laughing over some of their ideas. Not to mention the fact that I was leaning over the balcony rail and all of the kids were talking over the fence. But they were all agreeable to the process and really had fun doing it. So this is the story of how I helped four children create a Wheel of Choice while shouting over the edge of my balcony.

What's a Wheel of Choice? Why, it's a Positive Discipline Tool Card!

In our case, the Wheel of Choice is a list of thing s the children agreed to do in the future. Our Plan. Here's a picture (I wrote it up later, but will copy it for A.):

Here's what they agreed. Instead of hitting, they will choose one of the following instead:

Use words to say how mad they are

Hit something soft like a pillow (or a bag of flour, someone suggested)

Make a Mad Face out of something (A.'s suggestion, from his movie at school. Apparently someone made a Mad Face on a pizza and then ate it! The kids thought other Mad Faces might work--with sticks or pine cones, or draw a picture on the ground.)

Pull up grass (like if you're outside and need to do something physical, grab a chunk of grass and pull until you feel better)

Find a grownup (MY suggestion!)

Hit yourself instead of someone else, but not too hard! (They all simply cracked up at the idea of "Hey I'm so mad at you I'm going to bonk MYSELF on the head!" It's not my favorite idea, but this was their list. And it is a little silly--sometimes a bit of comic relief can help a tense situation.)

So they told me their list, and were all laughing like the chums they usually are about the whole thing. Even through the playfulness, it seemed like they knew I was very serious, and Ryan and A. did seem to want to make it up. :o) I let the kids know I'd write it up, and I'll be sure to point it out to them the next few times they play together. As well as keep a close watch on them. Because even though they now have tools for moving forward, they will need some adult supervision for a while. Both boys are highly sensitive and vengeance-prone. And young enough to need help.

So this situation has been handled (for now). Ideally, we parents would have sat them down and all of us talked together. That didn't--and probably wasn't--going to happen. As much as I hate to take parenting matters into my own hands, I really thought I needed to. At the very least, these will be the ground rules for future playdates at my house--and I'm sure if they fight over at A.'s house his mom will send everyone home until they chill out, even if they don't consult the Wheel of Choice.

And that was the story of Ryan's First (and hopefully Only) Fist Fight!

PD Tool Card: Another Family Conference Update

2010-04-19T17:51:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Okay, I think this will be the last official Family Conference update I'll do for a while, now that things are settling down to a routine. In case you forgot what happened in last week's episode, you can find it here.

This week's conference was a little unusual in that A.) it took place at the cabin, and B.) we had four members of our extended family in attendance. At least two of the family members have read my blog posts about previous family ~~meetings~~ conferences, and we brought the others up to speed about their purpose. I figured that we might as well have our Family Conference with everyone there, since they are all part of our family after all, and I wanted to keep up with our routine. I'm not sure what they expected at first, but they all played along nicely. (Thanks!)

Morgan was Queen of this week's Conference. I talked to her a little about the agenda before we got started yesterday morning, just after breakfast. I was pretty impressed that she remembered most of the major points independently. Our agenda was:

Call Family Conference to Order

Wish Ryan a Happy Birthday (Morgan's idea!)

Family Calendar

Compliments (again, her idea to put it this far back in the agenda)

Choose the next King/Queen/El Presidente

Allowance/Get ready to go home and have birthday cake

We didn't have our bell, so she just announced "Hey it's time for the Family Conference!" I tried suggested that she just say "ding!" but I guess she didn't like that idea. Oh well. Her plan worked nicely, particularly since everyone was already seated around the dining room table. :o)

She suggested we all wish Ryan a Happy Birthday. I asked him if he wanted us to sing and he declined (we sang later when he blew out the candles on his cake). So we all cheered "Happy Birthday, Ryan!" with a few WooHoos thrown in for good measure as I recall.

Next we reviewed the calendar, including detailed plans for the day (since we had many grand birthday-related plans), and then the week. Everyone was happy to know that our family was staying until today (they left a little while ago). And in addition to our normal kid activities, I am attending my second Positive Discipline Workshop on Friday and Saturday, so this really will be an unusual week for us.

Calendar reviewed, it was finally time to get on with the compliments. Everyone, including our out-of-towners, took part in the love-fest, and it was very cute and smile-inducing. :o)

Ryan will be next week's President, and allowance was not-quite-handed out as the CFO/Treasurer of the Family* did not have the cash on hand. Will rectify that today.

And that was pretty much it! Almost boring, yes? :o) I'm sure some funny things were said, but if there were, my brain appears to have misplaced them (Brendan? Uncle B? Nonnie?).

You know what? That's okay. Establishing this family habit has taken 5 weeks, but it's been worth it. I think if we do keep this habit going, it will become such a valuable way for the five of us (plus guests!) to reconnect in a nice way (those compliments!) and problem-solve and keep track of all of our many goings-on. I have been told by many that getting into this habit while the kids are young will pay off in spades as they get older, when our calendars and problems become more complicated. And I'll be sure to keep you posted if anything super-interesting happens at our future Conferences!

*Uh, me.

Cultivating the Virtues Podcast #1

2010-04-16T23:04:00.000-04:00

After many, MANY stops and starts, corrupted files, and just general fussing with it, we are proud to present our very first podcast! We have a few more in the queue, and we are hoping that now that we have finished cruising around this learning curve, getting those podcasts up and published will be somewhat easier and less time-consuming! There are parts that are a little choppy, and mostly that’s because we couldn’t recover a few bits of files here and there. We trust you will be understanding.

We couldn’t have done this without the Herculean efforts of Brendan Casey, who patiently resurrected corrupted files and tinkered with the sound levels and made this podcast sound so very nice. Thanks.

You can listen to it here (it's in mp3 format) or go to the Podbean site and download it. (I think.)

More Parenting Through Literature

2010-04-15T19:24:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Today has been a good day on the parenting front. I am in that ~~magical~~ carefully-considered-defined-introspected-and-worked-hard-to-cultivate Zone where no matter what happens or what spills, I am able to handle the incident in a kind, gentle, firm, guidance-oriented way. Especially considering that we have Deadlines and Tasks and other Capital-Lettered Words that us Type A-types seem to be concerned with looming up. Look at me--growing as a person here. :o)

It is much easier for me to remember to be a playful parent when I'm in that Zone, and when I remember to be playful, we all have fun (imagine!) and I'm able to sustain that Zone-y feeling. But if I lose that Zone-y feeling (sing it with me! "You've lost that Zone-y feeling, wooooah that Zone-y feeling . . . !), it's so much harder to keep my parenting goals and tools at the forefront of my consciousness.

Here's an example of how I awesome I've been today--after soccer, we all came home and rested and had a snack and cooled down a little while. Then it was time to do some cleaning up for our guests who are arriving tomorrow. (Because even I have housekeeping standards. It's true.) Ryan volunteered (!) to clean the bathroom surfaces, window and mirrors, so I sent him off to do that, armed with supplies.

Morgan, as my regular readers will know, is a reluctant worker when it comes to household chores. Also, it's extremely difficult to get her re-focused away from what's going on in her head and onto any particular thing I need her to do in general. She indicated an interest in wiping surfaces (these kids love anything that involves wet wipes or Windex and paper towels). I was cleaning the kitchen, and knowing I should keep her near me so I could help her stay on task, I suggested she wipe down the pantry door and all of the cabinets and drawers. Because, they're all pretty nasty, to be perfectly honest.

She happily obliged. After spending about 2.5 minutes wiping the door, she wandered away. I called her back with "Hey Morgan! Wow, that door sure is white where you cleaned it! Come finish the rest and make it match!"

She came back, cleaned for another minute, then drifted off again.

Me: "Morgan, I can tell you've worked so hard on this door. I can't believe how close you are to finishing it. I knew I could count on you!"

She perked up at this--I know that she LOVES it when we give her responsibility and notice how well she's handled it. Really, all kids like this as far as I can tell, but she especially enjoys this now that she's reached the ripe old age of five. She came back and said, "Just you wait, Mom! I'm not done yet!" And then she finished the door.

In the meantime, Ryan kept dashing into the kitchen with "casualties" from his battle (used up paper towels from the Battle of the Mirror, apparently). :o)

So I was all proud of myself for being encouraging (yet not praising with a vague "Good job!" or "Good girl" or "You're the best daughter ever!") and keeping my temper and NOT saying things in a mean voice like "You haven't finished yet." or "Come back here!" or "Why do you keep leaving? Don't you see you're not done?" or anything else similarly discouraging. I was teaching her some real jobs and taking the time to show her how to do them. And she really stepped up. Seriously, this child is typically nearly impossible to get any real help out of, she really is (ask Brendan or Kelly!).

After a while, Ryan had finished his jobs and Sean was becoming ~~crazy annoying~~ something of a hindrance to the cleaning process. So I assigned Ryan to play with Sean, which in a household with a toddler is considered an actual real job (at least in our household).

Somewhere along the way, I noticed something and said:

"Hey Morgan, this is just like in Little House on the Prairie. Ma and one of the older girls working and doing chores and the other older kid playing with the baby."

Again, I probably would not have thought to say that if I'd been stressed out task-focused grumpy-because-the-house-is-a-mess-and-I-never-get-any-help Mommy. And somehow it was the perfect thing I could have possibly said.

Every task after that was "Ma! Look how I'm cleaning this table! Just like on the prairie." and "I wonder when Pa is coming home from work." and "It sure is a Big Job to keep our house tidy when we live on the prairie!" and "Won't Nonnie and Uncle Tim just love to visit our clean house? When will their covered wagon arrive tomorrow?"

She made me call her Laura and we've been referring to Sean as Carrie for the last few hours. Ryan has somehow managed not to say something disparaging once about being referred to as Mary (it's possible he hasn't noticed and I'm not eager to enlighten him just yet). It was so easy and FUN to finish up our cleaning (and we're not really finished yet, just taking a break).

When I sat down to rock the baby, she sat near me and asked what Laura might do when Ma was with the baby. I suggested that the real Laura might have played with dolls or worked on sewing or read a book. She decided to read a book and then went and got a stuffed dog (renamed Jack in honor of our game).

Fun day. A nice reminder to me that Parenting in the Zone makes it easier to stay in the Zone, and to make sure to include Morgan and give her responsibilities. I need to keep noticing when she steps up, and we need to have FUN.

Now I'm wondering what I should add to our reading list next, since this Parenting through Literature things works so well around here. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer? We have some painting that needs doing. What else?

Unearned Guilt and the Mommy Wars

2010-04-13T17:43:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Ah, the Mommy Wars. Breast vs Formula. Stay-at-home vs Career. Homeschooling vs Private vs Public Schools. Repeat C-Section vs VBAC. Natural Birth vs Epidurals. Positive Discipline vs Super-Nanny vs Spanking.

Those are just a very, very few of the main battles that are ongoing in the realm of Mommydom (and Daddydom--Dads are not completely immune, though it's mostly us Mommies).

I've written about these issues and the Mommy Wars that surround them in the past once or twice, but I've never specifically addressed what I see as a primary cause of the Mommy War Phenomenon itself. When a battle in the Mommy War breaks out, I see a couple of themes over and over again: "Don't Judge Me (or Anyone)" and "Stop Trying to Guilt Me into X."

Just so you know the kinds of things I'm talking about, here's an example of a couple comments on a post on Motherlode, the parenting blog of The New York Times (my emphasis):

. . . I think women need to be less judgmental of each other in this matter.

. . . I also want to add a note about what I came to think of as the “lactation mafia” — women who do their best to guilt other women into breast feeding, no matter how good a fit it is for the mom and the new baby.

These sorts of comments are very typical, and it took me less than a minute to locate them in the comment thread.

Here's the thing about the Mommy Wars:

I don't play.

And it's a game, not a war. It's a game of guilt and judging-while-pretending-not-to-judge and not taking into account the full context of one's (or another's) decisions and pragmatism and subjectivism. It's a game and I refuse to play.

Here's what Ayn Rand said about moral judgment (my emphasis):

The precept: “Judge not, that ye be not judged” . . . is an abdication of moral responsibility: it is a moral blank check one gives to others in exchange for a moral blank check one expects for oneself.

There is no escape from the fact that men have to make choices; so long as men have to make choices, there is no escape from moral values; so long as moral values are at stake, no moral neutrality is possible. To abstain from condemning a torturer, is to become an accessory to the torture and murder of his victims.

The moral principle to adopt in this issue, is: “Judge, and be prepared to be judged.”

The opposite of moral neutrality is not a blind, arbitrary, self-righteous condemnation of any idea, action or person that does not fit one’s mood, one’s memorized slogans or one’s snap judgment of the moment. Indiscriminate tolerance and indiscriminate condemnation are not two opposites: they are two variants of the same evasion. To declare that “everybody is white” or “everybody is black” or “everybody is neither white nor black, but gray,” is not a moral judgment, but an escape from the responsibility of moral judgment.

To judge means: to evaluate a given concrete by reference to an abstract principle or standard. It is not an easy task; it is not a task that can be performed automatically by one’s feelings, “instincts” or hunches. It is a task that requires the most precise, the most exacting, the most ruthlessly objective and rational process of thought. It is fairly easy to grasp abstract moral principles; it can be very difficult to apply them to a given situation, particularly when it involves the moral character of another person. When one pronounces moral judgment, whether in praise or in blame, one must be prepared to answer “Why?” and to prove one’s case—to oneself and to any rational inquirer.

Ayn Rand, “How Does One Lead a Rational Life in an Irrational Society?” The Virtue of Selfishness, 72.

So what does this mean? It means I have made moral choices regarding my parenting and myself according to the best of my judgment. Some of those decisions have been objectively less-than-ideal, but morally correct, given my personal situation.

A great example of this would be my three c-sections, particularly the third one. I know that c-sections are riskier for mom and baby, and less-than-ideal. In most situations, a vaginal birth is clearly the way to go. I support VBAC and natural birth and home births, if that's what a mom wants. I think the c-section rates are way too high, especially in Georgia. You can quote me the statistics about c-section rates and risks to mom and baby. I know them. I know enough to quote them back at you, probably. I do not support c-sections for either the mom's or doctor's "convenience" and will do my absolute best to talk someone out of that idea (believe me, there is nothing "convenient" about recovering from abdominal surgery while exhausted by caring for a newborn!).

You may judge me for choosing to have Sean via c-section. Of the three kids, he is the one I most likely could have delivered VBAC. I did not choose to even try. I had good reasons (selfish ones, even) to make this decision. But I'm not even going to try to explain them here. You may judge me, you may choose to think I was right or wrong about this. It's okay, and if you think I was wrong, I do understand your point of view.

Here's another thing:

I don't feel guilty.

I don't feel guilty I made the correct decision, morally. I chose the objectively less-than-ideal for moral reasons and I did the right thing. If someone judges me, if someone shakes their finger at me and says "You did the wrong thing!" I can deal with that. I know what I chose and why. I have nothing to feel guilty about, and therefore the fact that someone might say "You made the wrong choice!" or lift their eyebrows when I mention the c-sections or advocate natural birth or say out loud that "Every woman should try to have such-and-such-type of birth it's ideal." . . . none of those things has the power to make me feel guilty about my choice.

The only person who can make ME feel guilty about a moral decision I've made is ME. So I can accept that you disagree with my choice--and move on with my life. I can support your doing something differently, and even agree with you: "Yup, having a vaginal birth is best for everyone!" objectively, all other factors being equal, it is. I can't argue with that fact of reality.

If I know that I made a morally correct decision, and yet feel "pressure" from other moms who have made different decisions for their circumstances; yet feel that those other moms are trying to "make me feel guilty" somehow; yet feel threatened and defensive about their other choices; then I am accepting what Ayn Rand called unearned guilt (again, via the online Ayn Rand Lexicon and my emphasis):

The virtue of Pride can best be described by the term: “moral ambitiousness.” It means that one must earn the right to hold oneself as one’s own highest value by achieving one’s own moral perfection—which one achieves by never accepting any code of irrational virtues impossible to practice and by never failing to practice the virtues one knows to be rational—by never accepting an unearned guilt and never earning any, or, if one has earned it, never leaving it uncorrected—by never resigning oneself passively to any flaws in one’s character—by never placing any concern, wish, fear or mood of the moment above the reality of one’s own self-esteem. And, above all, it means one’s rejection of the role of a sacrificial animal, the rejection of any doctrine that preaches self-immolation as a moral virtue or duty.

Ayn Rand, “The Objectivist Ethics,” The Virtue of Selfishness, 27.

I have felt guilty about some of my parenting decisions-- I made wrong decisions. I didn't judge them as wrong they differed from the decisions of others (that's second-handedness) but they were objectively wrong. I don't confess my sins to others any longer (since leaving Catholicism), I don't need others (real or imaginary) to forgive me, so you'll just have to wonder what those sins are. ;)

Here's an example of a time I accepted unearned guilt--when Ryan had his Big Peanut Kaboom. Practically the very first thing I read online about peanut allergies basically said that women who ate peanuts while pregnancy caused their kid's peanut allergies. Guess what I ate a lot of during Ryan's pregnancy? :( I felt horrible. I thought I had done this to my child. Even after I learned that this link was tenuous at best (and all but disproven now, to my knowledge), I continued to feel guilty and what-if myself. Finally, I realized that even if there was a direct causal link between what I ate during pregnancy and Ryan's terrible allergy, I shouldn't feel guilty about what I had done it was an error of knowledge. I can't be morally responsible for doing something harmful when I had no idea that it might be harmful, and I really didn't. (I would be morally responsible for doing it when I knew it was harmful.) I was able to let the unearned guilt go after realizing that.

I don't feel unearned guilt my friends gave birth vaginally. I am not defensive when they tell me about their birth experiences. I don't feel "pressure" or unfairly judged for my birth decisions. I love to hear their stories, and wonder what labor would have been like for me. My feelings are not hurt if they say "I think there are too many c-sections." or "C-sections are not as safe for mom and baby." My feelings are not hurt those are factual statements.

And I can't feel guilty about my c-sections. I think c-sections are wonderful things and I'm so happy that I had a doctor who is really great at doing that surgery. Without them, my first baby might not have survived. And, too, my second baby was at a high risk. I made the morally correct decision for rationally selfish reasons to the absolute best of my knowledge. And therefore I am free of "pressure" from others who confidently declare their ideas of the best ways to give birth.

Conversely, I feel confident in stating out loud what I believe to be Best Parenting Practices: vaginal births, not spanking, attachment-style parenting when they're babies, keeping kids out of government schools, breastfeeding. I have reasons for thinking all of these things, and I think I'm right about them. I will be happy to talk to you about my reasoning, and am also willing to check my premises ( I might be wrong!).

But I am not stating these in an effort to make you feel pressured or guilty for doing something differently. Now, you may make different decisions from me, and be guilt-free about it, knowing that you have made perfectly moral decisions. If you feel guilty, maybe you are accepting unearned guilt, or maybe you made a wrong decision. Only you can really know that, and I don't need you to confess to me, either! But that guilty feeling comes from you, not me.

My point about the Mommy Wars is that it's fine to judge others and be judged by others, and to know that if you are making your decisions to the best of your knowledge, within your own rationally selfish context (if you truly need to work, then by all means, feed your baby formula sometimes!), then we Mommies should stop accepting unearned guilt and getting all defensive when other Mommies choose something else and confidently declare that they are proud for doing so. If you do feel rightly guilty (as I have) about something you have done, then figure out why, try to correct it and try not to make it again.

Also, it is possible to simultaneously judge someone else's actions as wrong and yet understand that you may not have all of the information about that person's context. So judge it as wrong, and if later evidence comes out that sheds a different light on that person's decision, change your mind about it. That's possible, too. And it's also possible to judge inside one's head, and not offer a loud opinion in social situations where such discussion is out-of bounds. (That's just good manners.)

If someone tries to make me feel pressured or guilty about c-sections--well, they can't. they don't have that power over me. I know that not every repeat c-section is the result of an immoral decision. I choose to say "Oh. Hmmm." and move on with my life. I can know that they don't understand (or maybe even want to understand) the particulars of my situation. And I can choose not to explain the particulars, too. I can find those sorts of people pushy and annoying, but they can't give me guilt.

So I urge you, the next time you feel pressured to participate in a Mommy War, consider dropping your end of the rope, walking away from the playground, just not playing. Don't feel guilty for your morally correct choices. And don't stop judging either.

PD Tool Card: Family CONFERENCE Update!

2010-04-12T19:59:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

We had our fourth Family Conference yesterday morning and it went swimmingly. This is really turning into a good tool/experience for our family.

As you are no doubt aware, Ryan was King of this week's Meeting, I mean, Conference. It was evident from the very start that he'd been doing quite a lot of planning for the Conference. He was pestering us about it from the very second we arrived downstairs. I reminded him of my powerful need for morning coffee and got him to agree to put off the conference so that I might be properly caffeinated. What an accommodating King. Merciful and benevolent.

The King called our Conference to order with a smart bell-ringing and then jumped right in. He began the round of compliments, but this week's love-fest was shorter than in previous weeks, mostly because we had Serious Business to Get Done. (God he is just like me! I used to have to remind myself to go around and greet my employees at the beginning of each day, fighting the urge to go and do some work already, but knowing that this face-time was also important.)

Before we could get on to the Family Calendar, he introduced some proposed changes. I can't quite remember the order in which these proposals were discussed, but here they were:

Proposal:

Changing the name of King or Queen of the ~~Meeting~~ Conference

Discussion:

Ryan felt this was an important change. Because we believe in Freedom in our family (and in our country), he thought we should have a President of the Conference, instead of traditional monarchical-derived nomenclature (no, not his words). You know, those Kings and Queens pretty much want people to obey them and that's not how Freedom works (his words, more or less). Also, Presidents are elected, and we elect the next person at the end of each meeting. As monarchs are not typically elected to their positions of power, the use of the title King/Queen seems somewhat ill-suited to our purposes (my summation).

Brendan and I thought President made a lot of sense, considering the values we espouse here in this family. Morgan wasn't so sure and really enjoyed the idea of being a Queen. Brendan proposed that whoever runs the Conference can decide what they choose to be called, and there was a vote and it passed.

Resolved:

Be it hereby proclaimed and understood that the person who is running the Family Conference can decide upon his/her own title for the meeting, but that also if that person chooses to be referred to as King/Queen, that doesn't mean he/she can dissolve our democratic process.

Proposal:

The President/King/Queen holds the allowance during the ~~Meeting~~ Conference, and is in charge of dispensing said allowance at the end of the ~~Meeting~~ Conference.

Discussion:

Brendan immediately agreed, and wondered aloud how much allowance Ryan was prepared to give to him. :o) It was clear that Ryan had not anticipated this development and was momentarily stunned into silence. (This is really rare!) He then clarified that he was talking about KID allowance, since Brendan had a job and all. The proposal was agreed upon and passed unanimously.

Resolved:

The President/King/Queen/Imperial Majesty will now hold the total amount of KID allowance for distribution to all KID allowance recipients at the end of the meeting. I went and got $4 from my wallet (three for him, one for Morgan, who doesn't officially gets an allowance but likes to feel included. Later, I will find her dollar on the floor and put it back in my wallet) and handed it to him. He fondled the money lovingly throughout the rest of the ~~Meeting~~ Conference.

Next, we had a short interlude while we discussed what the word unanimous means, and we all practiced pronouncing it. Then, on to the next . . .

Proposal:

The President/King/Queen/Runner of ~~Meetings~~ Conferences Peopleguy will ring the bell once at the beginning of the ~~Meeting~~ Conference, and two times at the end.

Discussion:

Uh, sure. Why not?

Resolved:

It was unanimously decided that ONCE shall be the ringing of the bell (bell bell bell bell) at the beginning of the ~~Meeting~~ Conference and TWICE shall be the ringing at the end. Although I'm pretty sure we'll forget to do this. Not to worry--our fearless (now-ex-) President will remind us.

Next: more practicing the word unanimous.

At some point we actually got to the Family Calendar which is chock full this week, since we had the Messy Party and sleepover yesterday, have our regularly scheduled kid activities, and roofing peopleguys coming (long story), plus Brendan's family arriving on Friday to celebrate Ryan's birthday (which is next Sunday). We'll be heading up to the cabin on Saturday, and having fun exciting adventures, too. (Ed. Note: If I disappear from the blog/Twitter toward the end of the week, now you'll understand why!)

We also discussed the semi-annual neighborhood garage sale coming up in a couple of weeks. It seems that I will have eager helpers. :o)

Finally we voted on the next President/King/Queen/Maharajah of the Conference. I think our current ~~King~~ President was hoping he'd be elected again, since he'd done such a fine job. And he had done a fine job! But Brendan, Morgan, and I voted for Morgan (who wants to be Queen). Ryan changed his vote at the last minute, saying that he didn't want his lone vote to be a losing vote, so even though he didn't really want Morgan to be Queen of the next Conference, he didn't mind changing his vote so that he'd be on the winning side of the vote. How thoughtful!

He doled out allowance, rang the bell twice, and we were free to go about our business!

Welcome to Cultivating the Virtues!

2010-04-06T15:30:00.003-04:00

Jenn Casey of Rational Jenn and Kelly Elmore of Reepicheep’s Coracle are pleased to announce the launch of our new parenting podcast! The podcast, called Cultivating the Virtues, will address Objectivism and parenting, with a particular focus on positive discipline techniques. We want the podcast to be conversational, so that the listener can image being a part of one of our many parenting conversations. But please be patient with us; we are new to podcasting and are learning more with each one we record.

The podcast will live on a joint blog, also called Cultivating the Virtues, where both Jenn's and Kelly’s old parenting posts are collected. We've set up the labels on the CTV blog to make it easier to find parenting topics by kinds of virtues and types of discipline tools. The blog is live, and the address is http://cultivatingthevirtues.blogspot.com. The first podcast will tentatively be available on Tuesday, April 14.

We are recording podcasts now, and we would love to have your questions to answer. Please send parenting questions to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

We're very excited about this project! Stay tuned!

PD Tool Card: Family Meeting, uh, Conference Update

2010-04-04T12:19:00.001-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I know you've been hanging on the edge of your computer screens to find out if Ryan would come to our next Family Meeting. Well, it was this morning, and I'm happy to announce that every member of our family was in attendance! :o)

So it came up last week that Ryan apparently had an issue with the word 'Meeting,' or so he told Brendan. I'm hoping Brendan will share a bit more about what they actually talked about in the comments. I suspect that Ryan needed a way to have this Family Meeting idea be kind of his idea, since he's a fan of his own ideas first (as you are no doubt aware). So he came up with this objection.

Brendan and I both told him that he's welcome to suggest a name change at the next Family Meeting, but we wouldn't be changing the name unless he came and we all took a vote on it. Well, that did it. :o)

Our meeting agenda was this:

Compliments

Calendar

Meeting Name Change

Choose the King or Queen for next week

Allowance/Easter Egg Hunt

Brendan was King of the meeting and called us to order by the Ringing of the Bell (bell, bell, bell, bell . . . sorry, couldn't resist!). An enthusiastic round of compliments ensued.

People were thanked left and right for their contributions to the family this week. I was thanked for making dinner and for the Easter baskets. Brendan was complimented for mowing the lawn and pressure washing the sidewalk. Ryan was thanked for being an awesome Waiter Peopleguy and for helping with cleaning and dinner the other night. Morgan was complimented for her cleaning efforts this week (which are still, uh, not great, but she did make slightly more of an effort and a little noticing and encouragement will go far toward our goal of getting her to pick her toys up). Sean was complimented for having blond hair and for being so cute.

Everyone participated, even Ryan, who almost couldn't stop complimenting people and even thanked Brendan for fixing one of his toys that got broken at Christmas. You know, when Brendan fixed it ON Christmas . . . the Christmas two years ago that we spent in Chicago. Some pent up thanking in that boy, I guess. It's a lovely side of him to see (and one we don't get to see very often!).

Then we reviewed our calendar and talked about changing what we call these here meetings. Ryan's suggestion was Family Conference. Brendan brought up a suggestion made by a bloggy friend: Family Summit. We talked about how summits were big meetings between leaders of countries, and Ryan really warmed to that idea. He said he liked to think of each of us as big important countries of our own (if he'd known what the word sovereign meant, he'd have used it, I think).

We took a vote: Family Meeting, Family Conference, or Family Summit. I voted for Summit, and Brendan, Morgan, and Ryan voted for Conference. Sean abstained, pleading toddlerhood and PEZ. Ryan told us, "Yeah. I like Family Summit, but Family Conference was my idea, and who doesn't like their own ideas best and wouldn't vote for their own best ideas?" And that statement right there, my Dear Readers, pretty much sums up this child.

So henceforth forevermore world-without-end-amen, we will be holding weekly Family Conferences. Unless we change our minds and have another vote.

Then we chose our King for the next ~~meeting~~ conference, and you guessed it--it's Ryan! He actually jumped up and down like crazy. Ah, the thrill of Power. Then, Easter Eggs!

Next week's ~~meeting~~ conference should be interesting. Now that Ryan is going to be participating (I hope, you never know!), we'll probably going to need some kind of Talking Stick or something to hold so that everyone gets a fair turn to talk. And we'll probably have to vote on it, to decide whether to call it the Talking Stick or Talking Staff of Ra, or Talking Pole.

That's okay. :o)

OGrownups Monthly Update

2010-04-02T16:08:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Here's a look at how March went for OGrownups!

We had 10 new members join us, and our current membership is now 202!

Topics discussed included:

A continuation of a previous discussion about children and nudity

A continuation of a previous discussion about a specific scenario where a child stole and then lied

Maria Montessori

Stop National Standards, which opposes the proposed Common Core State Standards Initiative (national educational standards). By the way, the last day for public comment is today!

Autism

Ethnobotany

A recommendation for Guide Your Child

A recommendation for a video about the empirical evidence of abuse on children's minds

A new children's book about capitalism and entrepreneurship

Easter/Springtime Traditions

A couple of people shared blog posts they'd written about parenting (including me), and those blog posts covered Parenting Q&A, Capturing Precious Times, Kids and Extracurricular Activities, and the Family Meeting Positive Discipline tool.

It's my hope that the list becomes even more active, and that non-blogging parents will share more stories about their families.

By the way, Diana has launched three more OLists! There's OGardeners (managed by Kelly), OShooters (which makes me think of bars instead of guns!), and OProducers (hopefully there will be lots of good GTD ideas on that one). Check 'em out!

Parenting and Homeschooling: Most Definitely NOT a Sacrifice

2010-04-01T19:08:00.000-04:00

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

"Oh, you homeschool, too? Good for you, making such a sacrifice for your family!"

I hear this sentiment every once in a while, and it's intended as a compliment. My response is generally, "Oh it's no sacrifice at all! I'm passionate about my kids and this is something my husband and I have worked very hard to achieve. It's a value, not a sacrifice."

What do I mean by sacrifice (my emphasis)?

Concern for the welfare of those one loves is a rational part of one’s selfish interests. If a man who is passionately in love with his wife spends a fortune to cure her of a dangerous illness, it would be absurd to claim that he does it as a “sacrifice” for her sake, not his own, and that it makes no difference to him, personally and selfishly, whether she lives or dies.
Any action that a man undertakes for the benefit of those he loves is not a sacrifice if, in the hierarchy of his values, in the total context of the choices open to him, it achieves that which is of greatest personal (and rational) importance to him. In the above example, his wife’s survival is of greater value to the husband than anything else that his money could buy, it is of greatest importance to his own happiness and, therefore, his action is not a sacrifice.

But suppose he let her die in order to spend his money on saving the lives of ten other women, none of whom meant anything to him—as the ethics of altruism would require. That would be a sacrifice. Here the difference between Objectivism and altruism can be seen most clearly: if sacrifice is the moral principle of action, then that husband should sacrifice his wife for the sake of ten other women. What distinguishes the wife from the ten others? Nothing but her value to the husband who has to make the choice—nothing but the fact that his happiness requires her survival.

The Objectivist ethics would tell him: your highest moral purpose is the achievement of your own happiness, your money is yours, use it to save your wife, that is your moral right and your rational, moral choice.
Ayn Rand, “The Ethics of Emergencies,” The Virtue of Selfishness, 45.

Some enterprises are HARD, and parenting is one of them. That, as such, does not mean it's a sacrifice. Parenting is a Big Undertaking that requires certain trade-offs--and not just the commonly thought of not-so-great trade-offs like sleep, the ability to leave the house at a moment's notice, and laundry. There are advantages, too, things you do not necessarily get if you choose not to become a parent, like that first time you hear "Mommy," or the funny things they say, or the looks on their faces when they first notice an amazing thing like an airplane or a rock.

I say trade-offs, not sacrifices, because giving up a value does not necessarily entail making a sacrifice. It's only a sacrifice if you give up something more valuable in order to get something that's a lesser value. Sometimes it's not easy to make your decision, sometimes you must deal with some amount of uncertainty about the decision, and sometimes you don't realize until afterward that you've made a mistake or the right decision.

Take a common Big Parenting Decision for mommies like me--stay-at-home or work (or some combination of the two). I know many women who have kids and also have a career. Good for them, if that makes them happy! For me, though, it would be extremely difficult to be the mom of such young children and hold down a full-time job, because I know myself. I'd be unhappy if I felt unable to give 100% to that full-time outside career. I think I would be unable to work with that level of commitment to a job, knowing I might have to drop my work at any moment to take care of a sick kid or work around day care or school. I would also miss being with my kids and watching them grow, being here for them, being the one they are primarily attached to. So, schooling choices aside, that full-time work situation is not for me.

Another Big Parenting Decision--education. The decision to homeschool was relatively easy in many ways, but again, there are trade-offs. Honestly, I could do other things with my time if my older kids were in school (not to mention have a semi-presentable house most of the time). Some of those other things (up to and including a flexible part-time career) are really, really appealing. But given Brendan's and my values concerning the education of our children, we really want one of us to be home and to homeschool them. Sending them to public school (by the way, did you hear our county, 2nd best schools in the state, is kicking around the idea of putting 40 kids in some high school classes?) is not an option. Private school is not financially feasible.

Now, should there ever come a time when our circumstances change, if Brendan couldn't financially support us and I needed to work, then to continue on our current path could become a sacrifice. Falling down a financial hole, losing our house or the ability to feed our family, simply in order to have me stay home might not be worth the trade-off. I'll say this now, though--we'd trade off many other values in order to homeschool, though--it's such a high value for both of us. We'd be selling things left and right, foregoing many optional activities and services in favor of being able to keep me home. But if things were really, truly dire, I would have to make another choice. Would it be hard? Yes. Would I be sad about giving up this value? Yes (because it's still a great value, though a lesser one than the need for food or shelter.)

Similarly, if I was profoundly unhappy staying with the kids and homeschooling, if I thought I would be happier working in a different career, I would stop homeschooling and go to work. I don't anticipate that happening, but it's a possibility. In fact, I might actively explore that possibility once they're all much older and self-sufficient because I would be somewhat more available in certain chunks of time to choose regular work.

To stay home and homeschool, if it made me miserable, would be a sacrifice, even if I thought it was better for the kids. And so we'd find a new plan. Maybe we'd put them in school. Maybe Brendan could do the homeschooling. I don't know exactly what we'd do (and it's hard to imagine, because so far I love it so!). But I would not be willing to sacrifice my happiness by choosing a lower value over a higher one. Because I am rationally selfish, I am not willing to become a martyr to any cause, even a worthy one I really believe in, if it required the wrong kind of trade-off.

Is parenting difficult? Oh my, yes. More than I imagined before becoming a parent (that seems to be a common experience). Is working a full-time career difficult? Oh, yes indeedy, and I miss doing some of that sort of work (and I also miss the income). I do not miss dealing with grownups who behave like children, though. At least the children have a right to behave like children. :o)

Homeschooling as such has not been difficult, not so far--it takes up a certain amount of time, answering their questions and setting up history and reading out loud, but so far, not hard. What's hard about it is that they are with me every. single. second. Sometimes I fantasize about being able to take the morning and just sit in a coffee shop with me, myself, and a book. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

No, I am not sacrificing anything to "stay" at home with my children. I am not sacrificing a thing to keep them out of school. Rather than sacrifices, it's quite the opposite--these are GOALS, things we desire for ourselves and our family, and we will do many, many things to keep our situation just this way for as long as we can.

This stay-at-home-homeschooling-mommy thing couldn't possibly be a sacrifice, given how much we want it, and how hard we have worked for it.

Parenting Toolbox: Validate Feelings

2010-03-30T22:58:00.001-04:00

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

So before I talk about what to do with feelings, what are they exactly?

"Your subconscious is like a computer—more complex a computer than men can build—and its main function is the integration of your ideas. Who programs it? Your conscious mind. If you default, if you don’t reach any firm convictions, your subconscious is programmed by chance—and you deliver yourself into the power of ideas you do not know you have accepted. But one way or the other, your computer gives you print-outs, daily and hourly, in the form of emotions—which are lightning-like estimates of the things around you, calculated according to your values." --Ayn Rand "Philosophy: Who Needs It" from Philosophy: Who Needs It

So basically, feelings are automatic physiological responses to value judgments a person has already made. Feelings can be good clues to figuring out your thinking, but feelings can never replace thinking. Feelings, as automatic responses, are neither wrong or right; only the underlying conclusions can be wrong or right.

So what does this mean about the way parents should respond to children's emotions? One more quote:

"An emotion as such tells you nothing about reality, beyond the fact that something makes you feel something. Without a ruthlessly honest commitment to introspection—to the conceptual identification of your inner states—you will not discover what you feel, what arouses the feeling, and whether your feeling is an appropriate response to the facts of reality, or a mistaken response, or a vicious illusion produced by years of self-deception . . . .

In the field of introspection, the two guiding questions are: “What do I feel?” and “Why do I feel it?”" --Ayn Rand "Philosophical Detection" from Philosophy: Who Needs It

The correct response to an emotion is introspection, asking oneself these two questions. But small children are not yet skilled in introspection, so it should be our goal as parents to model the process for them, both in dealing with our own emotions and with their. First, an example of modeling when dealing with our own emotions.

Today, Livy was playing over at Jenn's house with Ryan, Morgan, and two neighbor boys. The kids were excited and chase each other into the street. I immediately yelled, "Out of the street!" with real fear in my voice. When they were safely in the yard, I told them how scared I was when they went into the street and why. I identified my emotion for them - yelling, big-eyed Mom equals fear - (first question - "What do I feel?"), and then I told them that a car might have hit them (Why do I feel it?). By modeling an identification of my emotion and a reason why I feel it, I am teaching them not only to stay out of the street, but how to introspect.

Now an example of dealing with a child's emotions:

Livy comes running into the house, crying. I go to her and pick her up and ask, "What is the matter, sweetie?" She launches into a story about how they were playing red light green light and Ryan did this and Morgan did this and then that happened and then this happened, etc. I listen until she is done telling me the story, and then I say, "You sound really mad. Are you mad?" Sometimes I am right, sometimes not. Let's say this time she says, "No, I am sad." Then I say, "I can see that are so so so sad." She says, "Yes. So sad. As sad as the whole universe." So now we have answered the first question: What are you feeling? Next, she might (cause she is 6) tell me why she is sad. "Ryan or Morgan or someone else or the universe hurt my feelings by doing X." But when she was smaller, I would say, "Are you sad because Ryan, Morgan, or whoever did X?" Sometimes a yes, sometimes a no, but now she is focused on the second question: Why do I feel it?

If a parent hides his own feelings and the reasons for them, he has denied the child a chance to observe introspection. If the parent tells a child in the grip of an emotion, "Don't be upset. It will be alright." or distracts the child from his emotion or tells the child his emotion is not appropriate, he has denied the child a chance to practice introspection. I believe that preventing children for experiencing, thinking about, and working through their emotions leads to repression.

So validating the child's feelings in the moment means:

1. postponing a rational discussion of the thoughts behind the emotion until the introspection is done. In other words, let people feel what they feel before you start trying to find solutions. This can be especially hard if they child's emotions seem inappropriate or are directed at you. But, emotions are valid, even if they underlying thoughts are not, and so letting the emotion happen before working on the underlying thoughts allows introspection and then problem solving.

2. "not fixing, rescuing, or trying to talk children out of their feelings." -- Jane Nelson A big emotion is a great chance for kids to introspect and to learn that they are capable. They learn that feeling sad or scared or angry won't last forever, and that they can make it through.

3. being present with the child who is in the grip of a big emotion. Emotions, for the child who is still unskilled at dealing with them, can be really scary. Their hearts may race; they may feel out of control; or they might get all sweaty or shaky. It is much easier to do the hard work of introspection when we feel safe and supported. Also, since children are not skilled introspectors, they need a parent to help them walk through the process. I am always amazed that adults expect 2 year olds in time out to "think about what you did;" it is our job as parents to teach them how to do that kind of thinking.

One final thought: I think validating feelings would work wonders for most relationships, not just those with children. How many of us have felt, after telling a friend or spouse about a problem, that we wished they had just supported us and then let us come up with our own solutions? For children, I think it is the same. When they are in the grip of an emotion, they need our support and love while they are feeling the emotion and introspecting about it, and then they can work on their own solutions (probably with our help). By jumping right in to end the emotion and get the problem solved for them, we deny them a chance to be efficacious.