Podcast #21: When Temperaments Clash!

Check out the line up for our latest thrilling episode!

Situation of the Week (Jenn): Mutual Problem-Solving with a Babysitter

Topic: When Temperaments Clash! (begins 13:33)

Link: Podcast #2: Temperament

Q & A: Is it effective for parents to play good cop/bad cop with their kids? If so, why? And if not, what do you think the root of parents playing these roles is? (begins 37:49)

Links: Books by Barbara Coloroso Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline and The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition)

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Podcast #18: Living an "Adult-Centered" vs a "Child-Centered" Life

Look at that! Three weeks, three podcasts, woohoo!

Situation of the Week (Jenn): "If I scream, he wins." (It'll make sense when you listen!)


Topic: Living an "Adult-Centered" vs a "Child-Centered" Life (begins 8:48)

Link: "Child Friendly without being Child Centered" at Reepicheep's Coracle (Kelly's blog)


Q & A: How do you handle a parenting mistake when you realize you were unfair, but your child communicated his displeasure in an unacceptable manner (such as hitting or yelling)? (begins 27:38)

Link: "Parenting Toolbox: 3 Rs of Recovery" at Reepicheep's Coracle

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When Effective Communication Fails

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

When Jenn and I teach our Effective Communication class for adults, we teach participants a script for sharing their feelings honestly and kindly, for listening to the feelings of their partner, friend, or co-worker, and for finding solutions that will work for both people. After the attendees practice this joint problem solving, we often get the question: What do you do when the person that you are communicating with doesn't know how to communicate effectively or won't? I had a recent experience that made the answer that we usually give more clear to me.

A friend and I had an argument. It started with a misunderstanding, which I escalated by making a snotty reply. I apologized for my nasty reply and started the communication process. After a few emails were exchanged, in which I explained my feelings, tried to get a grasp on his, and started groping around for a solution to heal our friendship and move on better than ever, he refused to talk about it anymore. He decided he isn't good at or comfortable with this kind of honest and personal communication and that he wasn't going to do it anymore.

This leaves our friendship at basically an acquaintanceship, since he's made it clear that we can't really talk about things that are important or difficult. This makes me super sad because he was a person I was really looking forward to knowing better over the years. I still feel angry (at least a little bit) and hurt because our situation never got resolved and never will be. Basically, as far as helping our relationship, this effort at communication was a big fail.

But I did what Jenn and I advise our class to do, when they want to know how to handle a person who doesn't want to communicate: I used a positive discipline tool card called Decide What You Will Do. The basic idea is that you cannot control other people; you cannot make them behave in the way you want, believe what you want, care about what you want. The only person whose behavior is really within my control is me. So, in a situation where the person I am communicating with is not responding the way I would like, all I can do is decide what I will do.

In my situation, I decided that I will continue to communicate my feelings honestly and openly, though I wasn't getting back exactly what I would like. I decided that I would tell this person what I really needed, though I was unlikely to get it. I decided that I would work toward reconciliation and understanding as long as the other person was willing to talk. And when he was no longer willing to communicate, I decided how much contact I was willing to have with him and on what level our relationship can exist.

By communicating my apology and my feelings and my desire to work through the problem, I actually gained a lot. I practiced my communication skills in a hard emotional situation. I clarified for myself exactly what I was upset about and what my needs were and ways I had contributed to the problem. I identified another instance of a mistake I make reasonably often (letting my temper flare when I feel upset without getting all the facts), and I am working hard to fix it. I got new information about a person that I needed to know (if someone doesn't want to deal with issues, we probably shouldn't be friends). And I get to be proud of my attempts to be virtuous, to handle problems rationally, to express myself honestly, and to work toward integrating my beliefs and my actions.

So really, this communication was not a failure. As long as I strive for good communication, deciding to do the things that I know are right and carrying them out, the process has worked for me, even if it doesn't always work for the relationship. I have been successful with the only part of the process that is in my control.

A Funny Livy Story

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Yesterday, Aaron, Livy, and I had dinner with Jenn, Brendan, Ryan, Morgan, and Sean. When we were getting in the cars to leave, Jenn said, "Have fun in Nashville!" to me. (Aaron and I are doing a super fun getaway together this weekend!) Livy overheard this comment.

L: "Mom, what is Nashville?"

Me: "It's a city in Tennessee. We went there together a couple of times. Remember the place where we saw the Parthenon with that ginormous statue of Athena and went to the Opryland Hotel with the river inside?"

L: "Yes."

Me: "Well, Aaron and I are going there this weekend."

At this point, Livy started to cry. I thought, as you probably do, that Livy was sad because she wasn't going to get to go with us. I was preparing in my head to give a big rousing speech about how everyone needs time alone with people they love, about the time Livy and I spend alone, etc.

L: (Crying loudly.) "Why can't you ever go on vacation while I am at my Dad's house?"

Me: (Thoroughly confused.) "We are. Just Aaron and I are going to Nashville. You will be at your dad's the whole time."

L: (Looking much relieved.) "Oh, good. I just want to stay home forever. We take too many vacations. Let's just stay home from now on, okay?"

I'm posting this story so that my readers can get a better sense of who Livy is. She is, in many ways, the anti-Kelly. I want to go everywhere all the time. And if people do things without me, it takes all my restraint and good principles not to actively wish that they are having a terrible time. All the fun in the world should happen when I am present. :)

Livy, on the other hand, likes a more low-key life. She likes to be at home, to work on her projects, to watch shows she likes, to go to her friends' houses, to sleep in her own bed. And apparently, she couldn't care less if other people are off having fun without her, as long as she is content at home while they do it.

One more piece of evidence for me to use to understand the introverts in my life. Weird folk, but beloved, so I keep on trying. :)

There's no particular reason to post this photo, except it's extreme cuteness. Livy is in the middle, with two of her friends. The kid on the right is Morgan, Jenn's daughter. The one the left is Zara, an awesome-sauce kid from our homeschool co-op, whose fashion sense is a constant source of delight to me. If I was really secure enough to not care what people thought of me, I would dress just like Zara.

An Instance of Problem-Solving Between Parent and Child

(This post was originally published by Kelly at Reepicheep's Coracle.)


For the past few months, Livy has been shutting her door when she is alone in her room, playing or watching TV. I have always knocked and waited for an answer before I come in because that seemed respectful and kind. Lately, I have been getting the answer, "What?" when I knock.

I was bothered by this because it just sounds so cold. "What?" Not, "Yes?" or "Come in." I was starting to get super irritated by how rude this sounded, and it hurt my feelings a little because it felt like my presence was irritating to Livy and causing her to be rude.

Finally, I talked with her about it. I said, "Could you say something else when I knock on your door? 'What?' sounds very rude to me, and I'd like you to answer in some more polite way, like "Yes?" or "Come in." This didn't sound like a very big request to me.

Well, it was. She started to cry and said that she didn't want to say any other words but "What?" She said that she wasn't trying to be rude and that she didn't want to talk about this anymore EVER.

I pulled her into my lap and comforted her in her obvious distress. "We have a problem. We have to talk about. Do you need a break before we talk about it anymore?" No, she didn't want a break. Her attitude seemed to be that if we had to talk about this, we might as well get it over with. :)

I told her about how "What?" hurt my feelings because it seemed she never wanted me to come in. She cried more and told me that she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but she did not want to say any other words. She seemed adamant about not accepting any of my alternatives for "What?", and to this day, I have no idea why.

So I said, "I don't know what to do about this situation. I don't want to have my feelings hurt every time I knock. You don't want to say any words except the ones that sound rude. Do you just want me not to knock?"

At this, Livy brightened right up. She thought this was an excellent idea. I learned that really she didn't like to be interrupted by my knocking and her having to give an answer. If I just come in, she has a second to finish her thought, pause her movie, put her Lego in place, close her circuit, whatever, and then she doesn't feel like she loses her train of thought. She wasn't closing her door to have privacy; she told me that I can come in anytime I want and she'll never mind. She added that she never, ever wanted to talk about this again. Apparently what to say when someone knocks on your door is traumatic. :) I told her that we might want to talk about it again when she is older or if our plan doesn't work, but that for right now, we can drop the subject entirely.

The plan has been working: I have been walking right in, and she has been perfectly happy about it. I don't feel hurt by rudeness, she doesn't feel interrupted, and we understand each other a little bit better.

Mini-Podcast: SnowCon Preview

As you may know, Kelly and Jenn will be giving a talk at Front Range Objectivism's SnowCon on March 12. We recorded a mini-podcast as a preview of our talk "Effective Communication: How Objectivists can Use Positive Discipline Tools in their Adult Relationships." We will be giving this talk at ATLOSCon, too.

Give it a listen! And we hope to see you at SnowCon!

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Even More Trader Principle Progress

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

As a follow up to last week's post, I just overheard the following exchange:

Morgan: "But, remember? I shared my modeling clay with you! Don't you think I can try?" (I have no idea what it is of his that she wants to try.)

Ryan: "Well, yeah you shared your clay with me, but this is different."

Morgan: "Why?"

Ryan, stumped:  . . .

I hated to intervene, but they seemed to be at an impasse, and because I know that sometimes he triumphs in disagreements out of perseverance, and because I thought Morgan had an excellent point, I said, not turning around from my desk:

"So it sounds like Morgan wants to borrow something and she is reminding Ryan of a time when she shared modeling clay with him." (all in the third person)

Morgan: "Yes. Ryan I am reminding you of when I shared my modeling clay." (somewhat copying the words I offered her)

Ryan: "Well that's a good point. Let me think it over."


Okay, so he didn't agree (yet?), but he conceded the point and at least agreed to think it over. In the meantime, Morgan got on the computer and appears to have forgotten the matter. But still: progress!

Podcast #11: Money

At long last, we are happy to present our 11th podcast! We are grateful for the feedback we received from our listeners about the technical issues with the last podcast. Hopefully this one sounds a little better–Brendan turned the sound way up, so we’re hoping that will solve at least some of the problem. We didn’t test it on an iPod (because we’re currently on vacation!), but I think we’ll start this testing as part of our production process.

If you have feedback about the podcast–technical or content or otherwise!–please drop us a line at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

Our line up this time is:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): Dealing with the jealous feelings of her child when she (Kelly) pays attention to other children
• Topic: Money (begins 8:00)
• Q & A: How did your relationships with other adults change after the arrival of children? (begins 29:34)

You can get the podcast here, on iTunes, or just below!

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Thanks for listening! We’d love your comments and feedback and questions!

Discussion, Not Debate

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I'm still recovering from MiniCon and dealing with tying up loose ends, so my time for blogging is limited just at the moment. So I might be recycling just a bit, please forgive.

A couple of weeks ago, when a certain thread under discussion on the OGrownups list got heated and became a debate, we called a temporary halt to that thread, and then I wrote the following email to the group. The reason I'm posting it here on Rational Jenn is that I'm proud of the email--I really took time in crafting it and I think it's a good bit of writing--and I also think it's good general advice for thinking about communicating with others in various online forums.

Enjoy!

In keeping with a principle from Positive Discipline that my friend Kelly has condensed into the phrase "Yippee Mistakes!" I view the acrimonious debate that occurred a couple days ago as an opportunity for members of our group to learn something new, regroup, and try to improve for the future. Mistakes were made the other day, and I have no wish to rehash them or point fingers (and ask that you refrain from doing so, too). We all make mistakes--I make them all day long. What I'm interested in is how we move forward as a group.

First let me try to explain why. One of the reasons I'm so excited about this group is that it's a real opportunity for us--as Objectivists, parents, educators, caring aunts, uncles, grandparents, and lurkers who might not be in full agreement with Objectivism but who are interested and learning from our discussions--to have the kind of principled discussions about this very, very important area of our lives. I can talk to other moms in my neighborhood or homeschool groups about parenting--and I do--but those people do not share this common philosophical base with me. This group provides a value for me as a parent, a way to talk about these sometimes difficult parenting issues with others who share my values. I hope that others view this in the same way, too.

Some parenting issues are pretty straightfoward and are purely in the realm of optional values. Other issues are much more difficult to decide about, such as whether to have a repeat c-section (to use an example from my own life that some people view as a controversial, and possibly wrong, decision). I want us to be able to talk about these more difficult, possibly controversial, decisions--the morality behind them, the thinking process, our personal context, our values--here on this list. But that will be impossible if such threads degrade into name-calling and accusations.

Diana suggested that we all go back and read a short essay written by Jean Moroney (http://www.oclubs.org/newsletter/a-discussion-is-not-a-debate-how-to-keep-discussions-friendl.html) , and if you haven't yet done so, please do. To summarize a couple of key points:

A debate . . .
. . . is to be won and lost (there is a winning and a losing side)
. . . requires thorough preparation and exactness of definitions and terms

A discussion . . .
. . . is an opportunity to present your thoughts
. . . is more casual, and participants should not be held to the same standards of precision in terms as a formal debate (or other presentation)
. . . will not necessarily change someone's mind (but that's not the purpose)

And of course, discussions are what we want, not debates. (In fact, it's official OList policy, I believe!)

Here are a few more suggestions I have for future discussions on OG:

• Use "I" language. Instead of "Don't be a maroooon" (as Bugs Bunny would say), say "I don't understand your point. Can you clarify further?" or say "I'm confused by this statement . . . ." Instead of deciding that the other person is [insert adjective here] ask a question to find out. "You" statements can put the other person on the defensive (which can turn the discussion into a win-lose debate); "I" statements are non-accusing and invite clarification.

• Focus on making YOUR point rather than refuting someone else's point.

• Consider that this group provides you with an opportunity to A.) say what you think and B.) maybe get someone else thinking about the idea in a new way.

• Give people the benefit of the doubt. We all want to understand these issues and be good parents. Until you have reason to think otherwise, assume positive intent.

• It's not fair to expect people to instantly change their minds about a subject, no matter how brilliant your argument happens to be. So if someone does not immediately come around to your viewpoint, that does not necessarily make him dishonest or irrational, etc. We all recognize the need for thoughtful consideration, introspection, and examination of premises. I don't know about you, but that process often takes me a while, and can't ever be done well when I'm stressed or tense.

• I'm not suggesting anyone refrain from judging. Feel free to judge others, but consider that your personal judgment of someone else's character is not adding to the discussion, particularly if you are interested in trying to persuade others. Stick to the issues--think what you like of the person, but keep that out of the discussion, and tone of your email.

• Keep in mind that most people don't participate in the discussions, but are probably reading them and learning from them. If people are watching a debate, the focus might be on who is going to make the next zinger, and less on the real issue at hand. That might be entertaining (or depressing) when watching politicians debate, but here, we're all trying to figure out how to do the best we can.

• Save retorts and one-upmanship for private emails--honestly, it's fine with me if you want to have an acrimonious debate, just don't do it here.

Here's something I learned in the how-to-teach parenting workshops I took in the last several months: all I can do as the facilitator/presenter is present the material. The learning must be done by the participants and the observers--and I have no control over that. All I can do here on OG is present my viewpoint and evidence for it. Whether or not I change a mind--outside of my control. In a way, knowing this has been freeing to me--I have no pressure to convince anyone. I challenge myself to be clear and have good reasons for the things I say, but that's all.

Finally, remember that we have ALL made mistakes with our children, both major and minor. And remember that a mistake (Yippee Mistakes!) is a chance to reexamine a premise, change, and improve. So I hope we can move forward from here, and get back to discussing the issues that affect us and the children we all love.

Parenting Toolbox: The 3 Rs of Recovery

(from Reepicheep's Coracle)

When I pulled out this card* today, looking for a tool to write about, I knew it was the right one. I love the cards that tell me how to behave because often, that's all it takes for Livy to behave. Amazing how big an effect it has on her when I act like the responsible, mature adult I should be. This card also explains a tool that I can pass on to Livy as a life skill, and I love those too. And last, but not least, I had to use the steps on this card recently in my daily life.

The card reads:

"Making mistakes isn't as important as what you do about them. Use these steps after you have had a chance to cool off.

"1. Recognize the mistake with a feeling of responsibility instead of blame.

"2. Reconcile by apologizing. Children are so forgiving.

"3. Resolve the problem by working together on a respectful solution."

So, in case you guys were not aware of this, I mess up all the time. I set limits that are unnecessary. I yell at Livy. I boss her when I ought to mind my own business. I treat her unkindly or like I'm superior or like she is a bother. I hurry her up when I don't have anything in particular to do. I let lesser priorities get ahead of her.

And, in case you guys were not aware of this, if you generally treat your child with respect and allow her to voice her opinions, she will let you know immediately when you do any of the bad things above. :)

I try to always keep in mind that I am forging a new path, parenting in a new way (not the way I was parented), and mistakes are to be expected. Not only expected, but welcomed as new chances to learn how to behave myself. Not that I want to yell at her. But when I do, instead of kicking myself (mentally or physically), I can be glad that I have seen a flaw in my behavior or thinking and that I have a chance to work on it.

Therefore, my motto: YIPPEE MISTAKES!!

But what to do when you make a mistake with your kids? Here's a list of some of the ways I have seen parents handle mistakes.

1. Hide them. After all, if we want our kids to respect us, we had better appear to be infallible. Everyone who has ever worked for a jackass boss knows that we don't respect people who cannot admit that they are wrong and make amends. We see them as insecure and rigid and dishonest, and they are.

2. Don't even acknowledge the mistake to yourself. They are only kids, anyway, and we can treat them any way we want. We are the adults; we must be right. This is even worse than the first one. At least if you only hide your mistakes you can improve secretly. If you don't even allow that you could be wrong, there is no possibility of change.

3. Blame them on the kid. "Well, I may have yelled, but you shouldn't do that and make me so mad." Also the M.O. of spousal abusers, though at least their victims can leave. Once again, dishonest, but also just mean. And what a terrible lesson to teach, that a child is responsible for other people's feelings and behavior. This means he is his brother's keeper, and even his mom's.

So, as usual, positive discipline has another approach: the three Rs. When we screw up, we can accept responsibility, apologize to the wronged person, and make a plan (ideally, involving the wronged person in the planning) for working on this problem in the future.

Here's an example of how this might work with me and Livy. I can't think of a recent situation when I've used this with her, so I'm making one up, but it could easily happen this way for us.

Imagine Livy happily playing in her room, absorbed in some important and yet invisible (to me) project. I walk in and say, "Okay, I need some help with the dishes." She says, "I'm busy. I'll help later." I say, "Look, I cooked dinner and grew these vegetables and the least you can do is come and help me clean." We end up in a fight because she doesn't want to disengage from her work, and I am stubbornly refusing to butt out. When I realize that I didn't take her work into account or try to be at all flexible about the help I needed (everything had to be on my time schedule), here's what I would do.

1. Recognize the mistake. Thinking in my head, "I hate to be interrupted and bossed too. Her work is just as important to her as mine is to me, and there was no reason those dishes could not have waited 10 or 15 minutes. I should have been more respectful of her time."

2. Reconcile by apologizing. To Livy: "I'm sorry that I just came in here and demanded that you stop what you were doing and help me RIGHT NOW. I should have told you that I needed help and then worked out a time for doing it that was good for both of us." After this, Livy would definitely need to talk with me about it and probably cry a little bit, if it was an intense fight. I wouldn't move on to step 3 until we were actually reconciled, and she felt heard.

3. Resolve by problem solving. Me: "I don't want to act like that in the future, so I'll need to work on it. Any ideas?" Livy: "Don't boss me anymore." Me: "That's my goal, but I need a plan to help me practice and remember. What if you hold up your hand if I start rudely interrupting you so that I can remember not to?" Livy: "Or I could close my door if I am working on something important." Me: "Okay, that sounds good. Then, when I stop to knock, that will help me remember to respect your time. I'll still want to tell you I need help and work out a plan for when you can take a break and help me." Livy: "That's fine. Now can I get back to my project?" Me: "Sure. When can you help me with the dishes?" Livy: "10 minutes?" Me: "Okay, I'll set the timer."

Now, what did I get out of this? First, I got to make amends for a mistake and repair the relationship with a person I value very much. I got to show her that I want to treat her well, which makes her feel better and makes me feel better too. I got to be virtuous; I used honesty (because looking a mistake square in the face is looking at reality), integrity (because I chose to act in accordance with my values), productivity (because parenting is a career and this is the kind of work I want to do in my parenting), and pride (because I was looking back over my behavior to see if it was virtuous). I also got to teach Livy some important lessons, and that is a big goal of mine.

Here's what I think she got out of it: She learned that adults make mistakes, even parents, and that when she is an adult, she will make mistakes as well. She learned what to do when she makes a mistake. She learned that when we bring a mistake to the forefront instead of evading it, both people (the mistake-maker and the victim of the mistake) get to feel better. She learned about how to be virtuous by watching me use honesty, integrity, productivity, and pride, even if she doesn't know their names yet. She learned that it is not okay to boss people around and to misuse power. And she learned that I love her and don't want to treat her badly, even when I sometimes do it by mistake. That's quite a lot from one little mistake from me and a conversation.

Because it is so applicable to every single person in the world, I think that this tool should be considered a life tool or a people tool, rather than just a parenting tool. I used it myself recently with another adult.

I lost my temper and wrote an unfair blog post. Once I cooled down and realized what I did, I used these 3 steps to handle the situation. They took a long time because it was a big confusing mistake, but in the end, they worked in the same way they do with kids.

First, I acknowledged to myself the mistake I had made. And not just that I had made a mistake, but exactly what I had done and why. This first step is really a kind of introspection, where we figure out what happened and admit, to ourselves, exactly what the error was. Next, I apologized to the person I went off on. I explained my mistake to him and told him how sorry I was.

Finally, I made a plan (This time, I did the problem solving alone, since the victim of my mistake was a stranger and not someone I was likely to go off on again.) for how I was going to cool off before publishing blog posts in the future. I thought of what I could do to made amends to him (apologizing publicly and taking down the post) and of what I could do to prevent these kinds of mistakes in the future.

By dealing with my mistake this way instead of one of the other ways I mentioned, I got to be virtuous and feel better and work for my future improvement. My victim got some justice and acknowledgment from me and got the feeling of reconciliation too. This way of handling the mistake was a win for both of us.

Admitting mistakes openly makes some people feel embarrassed and humbled, but I don't think we have to see it that way. When I behaved so badly, I was not acting virtuously. Nothing else I could do afterward would erase that. My choice was in how to handle the aftermath of the mistake, virtuously or not. When we use these 3 Rs, since we are acting virtuously, we can feel the dignity and honor that virtuous action brings us. I may have been a jackass on the day I wrote the post, but I can be proud of the way I handled it afterward, at least.

This is a big lesson I want Livy to take into adulthood: when we handle mistakes rationally, using these 3 Rs, we are help ourselves (the virtues lead to happiness, after all), and we maintain healthy relationships (treating our loved ones with respect). And I think owning up when I make mistakes is the best way for her to learn it.

*You can see Jane Nelson's Positive Discipline Tool Cards here.

The One about the Fight

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

If you follow me on Twitter (and really, you should!), you might be aware that last week Ryan got into a fist fight with one of his neighborhood friends. I didn't actually witness the fight, which I think is an advantage for me in a strange way. Certainly this is a situation that requires Thoughtful Parenting, and now that things seem to have been resolved, I'm ready to share this story.

It was a nice spring afternoon, and Ryan and Morgan were running around in the backyard with four of their friends from the neighborhood. In addition to my kids, there were A., H., W., and E. All boys except for Miss Morgan.

There was some kind of play battle going on, as I could hear from inside. I was getting the baby down for his nap and we were rocking and rocking and rocking in the easy chair. As I was absentmindedly listening to the sounds from outside, I noticed a change in the screaming. If you have kids, you have probably had those moments where you wonder "Hmmm...is that part of the game, or is someone hurt/crying/mad/beating the crap out of someone else?" Well then.

I heard Ryan shout "Get out of my yard!!!!"

Then, A: "You're not the boss of me!!!!"

Then, more screaming.

Then, crashboombangunidentifednoises....

Then Morgan was stomping up the back stairs and saying, round-eyed, "Ryan and A. are having a fight!!!"

By this point I was trying to pretend that Sean was ready to be put down on his own so I could deal with this apparently serious situation. Sean, to my chagrin, was actually not in the mood for pretending along with me, so the next 10 minutes of my life were filled with screaming, pissed off boys. Morgan maintained her composure, but had the Big Eyes of Wonder and Worry.

W. and E. were waiting at the front door, ready to fill me on the details. A. and H. had already gone home. I had to tell W. and E. several times "No thank you, I don't want to hear about what happened. It's time for everyone to take a break and go back to their own houses." W. in particular was simply itching to tell me all kinds of stuff. (More on why I didn't want to hear his version in a bit.)

Meanwhile, Ryan was furious and trying to hold back tears. I made the mistake of trying to touch him once or twice and quickly backed off. (What am I, new here?) After Ryan ran upstairs to rage and/or calm down, I talked to Morgan to find out what she knew.

Based on both of their stories, here's what I was able to piece together:

All of the kids were playing a battle and then A. hit Ryan in the eye with a swim noodle (aka, a sword or lance or other weapon) on purpose (according to Ryan). When Ryan accused A. of the crime, A. called Ryan a moron (among other things) and the screaming began. A. threw a lawn chair at Ryan, who then threw it at the fence (which explains some of the crashing I heard). Some other lawn implements may or may not have been hurled. Then the fists started flying. (Neither boy was seriously physically hurt.)

Here's the thing: I don't really actually care who hit first or whether A. hit Ryan on purpose with the noodle. Which is why I sent the other boys home without hearing their eyewitness reports.

Most of the reason I don't care is because, quite frankly, I can't trust my sources. :o) Not only that, I didn't want to listen to W. and E. at that particular moment because Ryan was still in the Beyond Upset and Planning his Revenge Phase, and any variation from the Official, Ryan-Approved Version of the story would have been throwing fuel on top of that particular fire.

Now, based on what I know about both of these boys and their many years of history, personalities, etc. I do think it very likely that A. hit Ryan with the swim noodle accidentally, and Ryan overreacted by ordering A. out of the yard. And I also find it very likely that A. was probably the prime mover in the punching of the fists portion of the program.

Even so--what actually happened is less important to me than the fact that neither boy was very injured (no blood was shed at all), and that both boys have a plan going forward for how they will handle this next time.

After Ryan calmed way down (took a couple of hours), he told me his perspective about what happened and why. We discussed other ideas for what he could do the next time he and A. got so mad at each other that they felt like hitting each other, or really, the next time anybody felt like someone was hurting them on purpose in any way (the swim noodle!). I explained that I didn't really want them to play together until the two of them talked about what happened and agreed on a plan for next time. Ryan understood what I was saying, but was still in I'm Never Playing With HIM Ever Again mode.

Also, I should mention that I talked over with Morgan some things she could do if she ever found herself in a bystander role. She could, of course, come and get a grownup, which she did. She was happy to know she did a right thing. I also suggested that she could shout "STOP!" as loud as she could, because that might get the fighters to realize they should stop. Or at the very least, alert any grownups who happen to be nearby trying to put toddlers down for a nap.

And this is where the real parenting challenge began for me. Because I haven't had the best success in getting cooperation from the other parents when our boys have had disagreements in the past. They are nice people, but they parent differently from the way we do (tending toward permissive, I'd say), and they also seem really reluctant to handle anything that requires a confrontation or a resolution toward the future. In fact, based on the way similar (but less serious) matters have been treated in the past, I was not at all hopeful that the other mom would even agree to having the boys talk together about this.

Later that afternoon, I called the other mom, who seemed pleasantly surprised to find that I was calling regarding the fight. Sigh. But she did readily agree to my idea that I thought that Ryan and A. needed to sit down together, with us parents, and talk about what happened and figure out a plan for next time. We agreed to get the boys together after dinner that night.

That might have worked on our end. After those several hours had passed, Ryan had calmed down and developed some perspective (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and I think he would have been fine in our discussion. However, the other boy had fallen asleep at an unusually early hour. From the stress of the fight? Or was he over-tired and was that a factor in what happened? Who knows? Anyway, the discussion didn't happen that night.

His mom texted me to say A. had fallen asleep early, but mentioned that she had "talked to him" about the incident. I called the next day and left a message. Then nothing for a couple of days. Based on the past, I think she thought (thinks?) that because I'd talked to Ryan and she'd talked to her son, that the problem was handled.

But the way I view it, the problem that the boys have with each other was not handled. Each mom talked to her boy, and we probably said the same things to each of them: "Use words." "Come and get me next time." "I'm sure he didn't mean it that way." And maybe what we said was comforting (because that's what we mommies do, comfort).

However, I strongly believe that Ryan and A. needed to discuss the problem and agree on a plan for next time. A big component of Positive Discipline is looking forward. We don't just deal with what's just happened, we don't just listen, empathize, and not punish; we put tools into the hands of our children so that they might be better equipped to handle similar issues in the future. (As an aside, I think punishments/rewards can distract from the learning of new tools. Also, taking time to calm down helps, since in the heat of the moment, people often don't really care about the future, focused as they are on the recent past and their present feelings of anger.)

What I decided to do after I started to suspect that the other mom considered the matter closed is talk to both boys myself. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do parenting-wise when there's a kid involved who doesn't belong to you. But no matter what the other mom and kid want, MY kid is involved and I want him to have these tools. Also because of what had occurred, I really didn't trust the two of them to play together without supervision. I hate having to supervise 7 and 8 year olds playing in the backyard when they ought to be able to supervise themselves. So I wanted both boys to have some tools to use for next time, and this needed to be a prerequisite of their playing together unsupervised.

Well, we happened to see A. and H. this evening while grilling out our dinner on the balcony. The kids all seemed super happy to see each other and Ryan and A. were talking like old times. Yay. I was biding my time, not saying anything about the fight (they were talking over the fence between our yards). Then Ryan asked if he could go over and I jumped at the opportunity. This was not the way I'd envisioned it--sitting together in the kitchen, with parents from all sides, etc. But I went for it anyway.

I told them I'd be happy for them to play together, but I thought the two of them--all of them really, since H. and Morgan were there, too--ought to come up with a plan for next time they all felt angry and wanted to start hitting each other. All four children (ages 5, 5.5, 7.5, and 8) readily agreed. In fact, they were kind of laughing about the incident. A. said, "Yeah, we don't want that to happen again." and Ryan agreed.

So I said, "Okay, do you want to hear my idea? Let's all think of six OTHER things we might do if we're feeling so mad we might want to hit."

A.: "We saw a movie at school that talked about 10 things to do instead of fight."

Me: "Great! Give us some ideas!"

And the kids--all FOUR of them--came up with six ideas. It was kind of difficult to keep the conversation on track, since they sort of drifted off into wild and crazy tangents, and kept laughing over some of their ideas. Not to mention the fact that I was leaning over the balcony rail and all of the kids were talking over the fence. But they were all agreeable to the process and really had fun doing it. So this is the story of how I helped four children create a Wheel of Choice while shouting over the edge of my balcony.

What's a Wheel of Choice? Why, it's a Positive Discipline Tool Card!


In our case, the Wheel of Choice is a list of thing s the children agreed to do in the future. Our Plan. Here's a picture (I wrote it up later, but will copy it for A.):


Here's what they agreed. Instead of hitting, they will choose one of the following instead:

• Use words to say how mad they are

• Hit something soft like a pillow (or a bag of flour, someone suggested)

• Make a Mad Face out of something (A.'s suggestion, from his movie at school. Apparently someone made a Mad Face on a pizza and then ate it! The kids thought other Mad Faces might work--with sticks or pine cones, or draw a picture on the ground.)

• Pull up grass (like if you're outside and need to do something physical, grab a chunk of grass and pull until you feel better)

• Find a grownup (MY suggestion!)

• Hit yourself instead of someone else, but not too hard! (They all simply cracked up at the idea of "Hey I'm so mad at you I'm going to bonk MYSELF on the head!" It's not my favorite idea, but this was their list. And it is a little silly--sometimes a bit of comic relief can help a tense situation.)

So they told me their list, and were all laughing like the chums they usually are about the whole thing. Even through the playfulness, it seemed like they knew I was very serious, and Ryan and A. did seem to want to make it up. :o) I let the kids know I'd write it up, and I'll be sure to point it out to them the next few times they play together. As well as keep a close watch on them. Because even though they now have tools for moving forward, they will need some adult supervision for a while. Both boys are highly sensitive and vengeance-prone. And young enough to need help.

So this situation has been handled (for now). Ideally, we parents would have sat them down and all of us talked together. That didn't--and probably wasn't--going to happen. As much as I hate to take parenting matters into my own hands, I really thought I needed to. At the very least, these will be the ground rules for future playdates at my house--and I'm sure if they fight over at A.'s house his mom will send everyone home until they chill out, even if they don't consult the Wheel of Choice.

And that was the story of Ryan's First (and hopefully Only) Fist Fight!

Revelation of the Day

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

My sweet little daughter is really really smart. She reads and can do all kinds of math and knows everything there is to know about dogs. And yet, she can hardly walk through a room without falling flat on her face, Sandra-Bullock-from-Miss-Congeniality-style. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration. (But only a bit.) She just doesn't pay too much attention to her environment, and that can cause problems for all of us.

Today, I asked her to "Please move!" for about the fifth time while I was bringing groceries into the house. She then moved directly into my path--for about the fifth time. Near disaster--for about the fifth time.

So I said to her, "Honey. Do you know what I need you to do when I say 'Please move?' I need you to look with your eyes, figure out which direction I'm going in, and move AWAY from me. I need you to move in a different direction from me."

She just stared at me and said "Oooohhhhhh. Well okay! I can do that!"

Later, in another situation, I asked her to "Please move out my way!" and she stopped and looked around--and then moved away from me. It was a glorious thing!

So which of us had the revelation? I'd say we both did, don't you think? Because I'm pretty smart, too, and it never once occurred to me that she needed me to explain that!

Fears

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

My kids have been experiencing a resurgence of fears lately. It's a challenge for a parent to help their kids manage their fears in a rational way, and I'm learning that this becomes more challenging (for me) as the kids get older.

Sean is currently in the throes of developmentally age-appropriate separation/stranger anxiety. This happens because he has finally understood that he and I are separate people and his memory has developed to the extent that he can remember me when I'm absent. And since Mommy is the Source of All Goodness in the Universe, it means he freaks when he can't see me. This is difficult for both of us, but I also know it's a normal stage for appropriately attached toddlers to go through. Each child has experienced it differently in terms of intensity and duration, but the symptoms are generally the same: there is a toddler up my butt at all times.

I'm encouraged though--the symptoms seem to be easing just a bit. I'm often able to be in a different room from him for up to 3 minutes before the freak. He is fine with the babysitter (after the initial shock of course). He hung out with Kelly for a good 45 minutes at the farm the other day and did just fine. She said he kept looking for me, but didn't get sad. It helps that he knows her so well, but even a few weeks ago, this might not have been such a pleasant experience for either of them!

Morgan's fears are more sophisticated and imaginative. For her, it boils down to one thing: demons. Yes, we're very clear with her about the fact that demons are pretend. But really, it doesn't matter--even though she knows they aren't real, she fears the idea of them all the same.

It's interesting that she can handle other things that you might imagine would scare a child of 4.5. We've recently seen the firstand thirdIndiana Jones movies. None of the face melting or crumbling into dust seemed to bother her in the least. I was about 10 when I saw the face melting and was thoroughly traumatized. And just so nobody is worried--we watched these movies with the kids slowly over the course of several days, taking breaks when things became worrisome, and talking with them about what happened. We tend to do that when they want to see something that we think might be hard for them to handle intellectually or emotionally. (We also don't initiate such things--I'm not in a big hurry to have them watch Indiana Jones, especially. This was a request of hers that we decided to honor, in a way in which we could observe her and support her if necessary.)

The way we handle fears of imagination is generally to provide lots of comfort during the upset times, remind them occasionally how pretend the thing is, and we also fight fantasy with fantasy. I think one key component to getting over any kind of fear is feeling somewhat in control of the situation. Sometimes, it's enough to have control over avoiding your fear. Sometimes, you need to be more proactive.

Hence, Demon Spray. Before Morgan goes to bed, if she expresses concerns about the demons in her room, we give her a small spray bottle with water in it. We told her, "Well, you know demons are just pretend, right? But you're still scared and I understand. Why don't we pretend this bottle is filled with Demon Spray? Demons hate getting wet and they hate Demon Spray most of all! So you just spray this around your room and those demons will stay out!" This makes her feel better, it really does.

By the way, demons also hate flowers, My Little Pony, Hello Kitty, pink walls, purple polka dots, purple curtains, stuffed dogs of any size or color, and butterflies. Isn't it nice that her room is so thoughtfully set up so as to discourage demon activity? We even gave her one of our little gargoyles to guard her room. He sits in her window, just triple-dog-daring any demons to get in there.

Ryan went through a similar thing with pirates at her age. Pirate Spray and room decor did the trick. I know this phase will pass for her . . . eventually.

Ryan's fears are more sophisticated still. He's always been a cautious sort, a worrier, and he's always had a hard time with separations. It was weeks before he'd walk into chess class confidently and without a pep talk/limit setting by me.

Now he's really beginning to get caught up in Real Life Fears. He freaked out at the fact I send in our homeschool paperwork once a month. Why do I need to do this? What do they need to know this stuff for? Why do they make silly laws? What will happen if I don't send in the papers? How can we get them to change that law? Can we do that NOW?

Don't get him started on Obama or taxes. He hears us talking, and hears our opinions about such things. We no longer have satellite television, and only rarely listen to news on the radio. Which is good, because we'd certainly have to give those things up now. As it is, Brendan and I need to be more guarded about how we talk about political issues.

I think it's fine for us to give him information and tell him our opinion about them. But we need to try to be more matter-of-fact in how we talk about politics and I think we need to try to do it less frequently. He just doesn't have the full context or maturity to understand what we're talking about, yet he's bright enough and imaginative enough to be able to draw amazingly accurate conclusions. Which he then worries about. And yet, I don't want to censor myself completely, or shelter him completely, but there's a fine line here that I'm still trying to locate.

And last week, our car got broken into. :o( What happened was that some person(s) went down our street early in the morning, testing car doors. Many of our neighbors had stuff swiped out of their cars. I had forgotten to lock the van door the night before, due to a late-night grocery store run, and our GPS was stolen. Brendan's car was locked, which was a good thing, since his computer was in it!

This event could not have happened at a worse time for Ryan developmentally. I was irritated about the loss of our GPS, but other than the fact that it had all of our addresses programmed into it, I'm not terribly upset. And we're really more careful about locking our doors, of course. But the fact is, it's just a thing. Things are replaceable, or do-without-able. It is also upsetting to think that someone was in our van, touching our things, especially because we live in a safe neighborhood in a safe suburb. I suspect that it was probably just stupid teenagers. (Brendan is not so sure.)

Ryan is very worried though. I've been letting him lock the cars at night, again, to give him some measure of control over the situation. We often have him help lock up the house at night, too. But Bad Guys have always been an issue with him, and this incident certainly didn't help.

By the way, don't ever ever EVER cross this kid. He is actively calling for EXECUTION as the ideal way to deal with the thugs who took our GPS system. Reminds me of that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where they visited a crime-free planet. It was crime-free because the penalty for any crime was instant death. Poor Wesley Crusher stepped on some plants and that was bad news. This is pretty much Ryan's dream legal system.

The other issue with his fears--and this is very much a Ryan Thing--is that he needs to TALK about them. He worries aloud and fears aloud and dreams up retribution aloud and questions aloud and makes plans and strategies and tactics. Aloud. Until you've gone completely insane.

I talk back (it's very much a Jenn Thing) and usually try to turn the focus around to Things Within Our Control. I often just let him vent, but he tends to get stuck in Worry Cycles (wow is he ever MY child!), and works himself up into tears with his worries. I know that as I've figured out how to better manage my own tendency to worry and imagine the worst-case scenario for any given problem (no matter how small), I personally feel better when I remember to focus on the things in my control. So that's my tactic--but I'm looking for more ideas!!!!!

We've altered how we do things around here because of his lengthy, vicious Worry Cycles. We used to have to prepare Ryan waaaaaaay in advance for any changes--leaving to go somewhere, a class, a babysitter, even a visitor. He needed time to prepare himself, to imagine what might happen, to ask questions and get answers, and to talk and talk and talk and talk about it as he processed the anticipated change.

Now, because of this new phase he's in, we do the complete opposite. We now give him very little time to adjust to a change. Babysitter coming tonight? Tell him 5 minutes before she shows, or maybe when she knocks at the door. If he asks, we answer him honestly, but we don't dwell on the subject. Going to the park, let's go NOW! Leaving the park--time to GO! Chess class coming up? Don't mention it until we're loading up into the car to go to class. Taekwondo sparring night? Time to get dressed and GO!

This has been a difficult change to make because I'm so used to providing him with a lot of lead time. But when I remember to do it, it's made our transitions much easier on all of us. In fact, I just asked him about this, and he agrees that he'd rather know about things right when they're about to happen instead of having lots of time to think about it. When asked why, he said "Because I'm good at guessing things. But sometimes I guess things that make me worry." Yup. And that's pretty good self-awareness for a 7.5 year old, isn't it?

I know that eventually, his brain will mature and he will be better able to handle his fears. I think the best thing to do is help him find strategies for coping with his fears and to try to reassure him that he is safe and that we will keep him safe.

More ideas?

By the way, for a great discussion on a related topic--death--check out the OGrownups list! Diana shared what she wrote on that thread here. You don't have to be an Objectivist to lurk on the group (although you do if you'd like to post). I've enjoyed the discussions on this list--very thought-provoking!

Horrendous Tantrum, Desire to Punish, and What I Did Instead

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

Dear Blog Readers (I hope there are a plural number of you),

In the interest of full disclosure about non-punitive discipline and the parents who practice it and the children they practice it on, I am going to blog about the worst freaking tantrum incident we have had (maybe ever). It happened today, and, besides giving people a glimpse into the worst and best of what we do, I also just need to vent a bit. Warning: If you think that non-punitively disciplined children behave well all the time, please sit down before reading this. And if you are not a parent, please remember that these days are few and far between, and don't let this post be the impetus for your tubal ligation or vasectomy.

It all started with a lovely canoe trip on the Chattahoochee. We ate snacks, fed ducks, jumped in and out of the canoe, paddled, and had a lovely time. After the canoeing, we were planning on going bike riding along the river. When it was time to stop swimming and go to get dry clothes on in preparation for the biking (we had mutually agreed on a number of minutes to swim), Livy sat down on the ground and started to cry. So, I told her to get up and come along, and I started walking toward the bathrooms. She cried louder that she needed to clean herself off (conveniently in the swimming hole), and I told her we could do that in the bathroom.

Now, having a hard time leaving is something we often experience, so I said my usual thing about how leaving with grace and dignity and a decent attitude is a part of getting to come back. Then I reminded her that we were about to go biking. Here is where we started to deviate from the usual and into the crazy-making kind of behavior that makes me want to sell her to gypsies. For some reason, unknown to me, she just lost it. She was crying and refusing to get up and follow me, so I said, "Follow me now," and I walked away. She didn't follow until I was way down the sidewalk, and by then, I was feeling mad and miserable, and I just wanted to go home. So, I said, "Livy, I have had it. We're going. I don't want to bike ride with you when you are acting like this."

As you can imagine, she got even angrier and sadder, and she wouldn't get into the car. So I said the usual child-doesn't-want-to-do-what-must-be-done thing: "You can get into the car on your own, or I will put you in." She said that her choice was to go bike riding, so I said, "Sounds like you do need my help," and I made to pick her up. And here is where she did what she never did before. The child actually ran away from me. I was so mad that I wanted to hit and yell and punish and generally beat her (physically or emotionally) into submission. Thank goodness I didn't do those things, but I did raise my voice a bit and said, "Get into this car now" in a kind of mean and serious voice. She did, crying and screaming the whole time about how she still wanted to ride bikes.

On the way home, she unbuckled her seat belt, in order to make me mad, I think, and to get me to stop and go back. I pulled over, buckled her back, and held her hands until she said she wouldn't unbuckle it again. At this point, I was furious, and I did yell at her to keep it buckled. I am sorry that I yelled, but not too sorry, cause it was not the worst thing I wanted to do to her, and it was the worst thing I did and only this once.

Once we were back on the road, she said (and by that I mean howled) very mean things to me about wanting to go to her dad's house and not wanting to live with me anymore. As any divorced parent knows, these are the most hurtful and scary words you can hear. I live in perpetual fear that the parenting I know is right will make her want to choose to live with him when she is older. I know it is my obligation to do the right thing anyway, but you can imagine the sting of her words, in light of my worries. But, though this story may seem like it is at the lowest point, here is where I really did well. I let Livy see how much this had hurt me. I asked her how it would feel to her if I told her I didn't want her to live with me. She got a stricken expression on her face, and she said, "Really sad." I told her that was exactly how I felt when she said it to me. She saw that I was crying, and she apologized and told me that she did want to live with me and that she loved me and that she was so so so mad. At her age, she thinks an apology makes everything okay, and I explained that I was still very hurt and very mad about her words and about her behavior. She cried all the way home.

We talked some after we were both calm about why I would not bike with her after such an awful tantrum. I told her I was too mad, and that it would not be fun for me to spend time with someone who treated me so badly. We talked about some other (more healthy, rational, and kind) ways to tell me that she is mad instead of saying very hurtful things. We talked about how scared I feel when she takes off her seatbelt and how I will not let her sit in the front seat (we have turn off airbags) if I cannot trust her to use a seatbelt like a grown-up. We talked about how people still feel horrible, even after you say sorry, if you are cruel to them. We talked about the way you have to treat other people if you want them to do things for you and to do things with you. We talked and talked and talked, hugged and kissed a lot, and reconnected.

Livy hasn't had a big tantrum in a very long while, and this was the first time I really showed her my feelings about it. I decided she was mature enough to see the consequences, not just of her actions (huge fits end the fun) but also of her words (mom is crying and her feelings are incredibly hurt.) It is interesting to me, in retrospect, (when I wasn't feeling simultaneously furious and crushed) how much of an effect it had on her to see the result of her actions on our relationship. It was a huge learning experience, and she said to me afterward without any kind of prompting, "Biking isn't as important as loving you, Mama."

Overall, I am pleased with how I handled this situation. Honestly, keeping my temper for the most part seems like a triumph worthy of a freaking arch being built in my honor. Punishing Livy would have made her feel bad (mostly for getting busted, as I remember from my own childhood) and would have given her the feeling of being off the hook once the punishment was over. The non-punitive way I handled it allowed her to feel the natural consequences of behaving so badly (people don't want to hang out with you, people get their feelings hurt, relationships will take time to mend) and didn't encourage her to feel that since she had served her time, it's all over. She knows that we have lots more talking to do and that the future is changed (I will be more hesitant to go canoeing or biking or swimming in the river, and I will continue to feel hurt for a while.) She will be disappointed that we didn't get to go biking for a while, as well.

I also realized that, for me, punishment really does come with a feeling of vengeance. Revenge is what I wanted when I thought about punishing her. I wanted to make her feel bad because she had made me feel bad. I don't see how that would be any different from her saying mean things to me to make me feel bad because I wouldn't go biking. I suppose punishing parents often do it coolly, instead of in anger, but I never seem to need to punish when I am cool. I can always think of a creative way to work through a situation. My desire to punish only seems to arise when I am boiling mad. I usually follow that feeling with an order to stand back and get my breath, cool down a bit, and be inventive. It's never failed me yet, when I can make myself do it.

So, the moral of this story is: Today, I found that my non-punitive strategies work, even in the most hellish circumstances. And feel free to come and read this post again on your bad days. Maybe the comradeship will prevent you from hitting, yelling, punishing, or selling them to the gypsies.

P.S. The photo above is of Livy and me at her dance recital, proving that there really is a darling little girl, oozing with sugar and spice and everything nice, underneath the hell beast of the above story. :)

Just Ask!

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

We attended a birthday party for a 2 year old last night. It was fun--although the bugs! Major downside of the drought recovery.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a very minor issue I encountered while we were there. One of the party activities for the children was to decorate their cake plates with stickers. Ryan was one of the oldest kids there--most of the kids were toddlers, so this project was great fun for them. But Ryan took this activity Very Seriously (to my amazement), and approached me almost in tears, because the Birthday Boy had grabbed his plate away from him.

I went over to the Birthday Boy and said, "Oh, this plate is Ryan's." And then I tried to take it out of his hands. Now why did I do this? Because in my head, I was still viewing this child as "too young to understand and/or be reasoned with."

Well of course he didn't let go, because what do toddlers do when someone tries to remove something from their sticky little fingers? They hold on tighter. Duh. I have had two 2 year olds myself!

I came to my senses before allowing this pointless tug-of-war to go on, and let go of the plate. Then I looked at the Birthday Boy and said, "This plate is Ryan's. Will you give it back to him please?"

And you know what he did? He gave it back to Ryan. All I had to do is ask.

I'm still kind of shocked at my own behavior, honestly. What was I thinking? Why would grabbing the plate out of his hand be the right thing to do? Now it might have come to that, had he refused to relinquish the plate, sure. But that shouldn't be the out-of-the-gate approach, should it? And really, I completely missed an opportunity to help Ryan ask the Birthday Boy for the plate back himself.

Moral of the Story: First, give kids a chance to succeed. You might just be surprised. :o)

Define Your Terms

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Anyone who has ever participated in a philosophical or political debate or discussion understands that you won't get very far in explaining yourself if you and your discussion-buddy are defining your terms differently. Even the slightest difference can lead to fruitless misunderstanding. Always best to make sure everyone starts off on the same page.

After this amusing exchange with my daughter this morning, I've realized just how important defining your terms is outside of formal debate:

Me, making coffee in the kitchen: "Morgan, I noticed you didn't put on the underpants I laid out for you upstairs. Go put them on." (I put them in the hallway outside the bathroom where she was brushing her teeth and asked her several times to put them on before she came downstairs.)

She begins to wander aimlessly toward the family room.

Me: "Morgan, go upstairs. Your underwear is in the hallway by the bathroom."

She makes it upstairs and then calls down a few seconds later: "Where? Where? I don't see it!"

Me: "In the hallway by the bathroom!"

She, whining: "I can't find it!"

Me, feeling irritated: "In the HALLWAY by the BATHROOM!"

She: "What's a hallway?"

Alrighty then. So we all began our day with a little definition about the Parts of a House.

I really REALLY need to remember this the next time we're having one of those repetitive irritating discussions (predicting half a dozen more by the end of this day alone). Maybe I can save us all a little bit of frustration by saying something like "Are you confused about what I'm asking?" or "Is there something I'm asking you that you don't know how to do?" Hmmm....yes. Those might be useful parenting tools right there.

As an aside--it absolutely floors me that this child can read pretty well and count to 100 and use words like evidently correctly--and still didn't know what a hallway was. Funny how all that larnin' works, huh?

More About Babies and Siblings

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

This is a quick follow up to my parenting post from the other day, Positive Discipline from Day One. I have another technique about helping older siblings and babies get along that I didn't think to include in that post, called Putting Words in Baby's Mouth.

Many times when the older kids have a screaming match conflict with each other, it's partly because they can't understand each other's body language and other context clues about what the other might be feeling.

They have a pretty decent grasp of the English language (understatement of the year), so when they're having a problem with each other, we help them remember to express their feelings with words instead of actions. So when Ryan and Morgan are fighting over a toy, we help them identify and state the problem first, and then assist with the negotiation process, if necessary. I wrote another post about the fine art of negotiations a couple months ago.

Now of course, Sean is not able to articulate his thoughts and feelings just yet. And the older kids are used to verbal exchanges. So what I do is become Sean's mouthpiece and interpreter, because a lot of times, the older kids just don't understand what Sean is doing.

So I'll say things like:

• Sean is mad! He wanted to hold that toy!

• Sean is mad! He wanted to play with the cat food!

• Sean is crying because you took that toy and he's saying "I want a turn!"

• When you hear him yell like that, he's saying "Stop! I don't want you to sit on me!" (Seriously, I have said this. A lot.)

• He's mad because you scooped him up and he wants to move his body independently.

• It looks to me like Sean would like to play with you, that's why he's standing by your table. Is there something he can hold so he feels like he's helping you?

• I know it hurt when Sean pulled your hair. I'm so sorry. He wasn't trying to hurt you--we'll teach him that pulling hair hurts a lot! He's a baby; he doesn't know.

• I can tell that Sean might be feeling sorry because he sees you crying and now he's crying, too. He knows something is wrong.

• See how Sean is smiling and rocking back and forth? He loves to watch you dance and sing! He's saying, "Do that again, Big Sister!"

• I can tell Sean really likes it when you sing that song--he's clapping his hands and laughing.

• When you bring him his drink, he is feeling that you're taking good care of him. He really likes that.
  

I say things like this so often that it's become automatic for me--and of course I've really been doing it since Morgan showed up. To a certain degree, I still do a little bit of interpreting with the older kids--Morgan is still not consistent with saying, "Stop! I don't want you to do that!" to Ryan. So, after reminding Morgan to say words, I'll tell Ryan, "When she's squirming and making that screaming noise, that's your clue to climb off of her and ask her 'Is something wrong?' " (Seriously.)

Another idea we've been showing Morgan is to use non-verbal cues, such as holding up her hand in a "HALT!" position, which is easier for her to do, since it seems like she has trouble coming up with words in stressful situations. I think this will help her quite a bit (thanks, Kelly, for the suggestion). And Ryan has been told to respect the Halt Hand as he would a verbal "Stop!"

The main advantages to being the interpreter for the baby (or even an older child who is having a hard time verbally communicating) are that it helps the older siblings understand why the baby is acting the way he is, and also that he is a person who has valid feelings. If they understand the reasons behind the baby's actions or reactions, they can learn to Assume Positive Intent with him, and they can figure out how to help him or get my help. If they understand that he is an actual person, then they will begin to respect his boundaries and rights.

This Will Be Funny One Day, Right? RIGHT?!?!?!

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

So one of the things we did while Brendan's family was in town was paint Morgan's room pink! She's been making do with the old green walls of the nursery, and the zoo animal wallpaper border, and a mish-mash of furniture new and old. (Sean's room will be our current guest room, so he's not in the old nursery.)

Tuesday was wet and rainy, our family brought old clothes and so we got a nice shade of pink paint from Home Depot and went to work! It's very pretty and I plan to touch up tonight.

So anyway, the kids were upstairs and quiet this afternoon--too quiet. I called up, "Whatcha doing?" Both of them, "Nothing!"

Suspicious, I headed upstairs with the baby. Ryan, obviously anticipating the next scene, tells me, "Morgan's painting her carpet." and skedaddled.

W. T. F.

Sure enough, I walk in to Morgan's room to discover her covered with pink paint, holding a dripping paint brush over her carpet. A glance at the paint can revealed the extra roller brush (sans roller) bobbing up and down in the paint can like the Titanic.

I didn't yell. (Go me!) I was, however, extremely upset, and a few oh-no-oh-noes escaped my lips.

Morgan burst into tears, dropped the paint brush and ran from the room. Sean, who is Mr. Emotional Mirror lately, also bursts into tears. I nearly did.

I got Morgan in the tub and washed off her hair, and she was screaming and sobbing, "Ryan told me to do it!" I gently reminded her that she is in charge of her own body and that she can always tell Ryan NO.

I called Ryan up and asked him if he told her to do it. "No," says he, "I think she misunderstood me. I told her NOT to paint her carpet." He repeated this a couple of times.

Now this is plausible. But I smelled a rat. So I told him, sitting on the bathroom floor, holding Sean, Morgan still wailing in the bathtub, "I need to know what's true. I'm going to give you one chance to tell me what the truth is, and I promise I won't get mad. Well--any madder than I already am--I'm pretty upset right now. But . . . if you tell me a lie right now, and then later I find out that you lied to me, well then I will be VERY upset, way more upset than I am right now. So I need you to tell me what really happened because I want to believe and trust you."

He stared at me for a second and then said, "Okay. What I said before was a lie and I want to tell you the truth now. I told Morgan that I thought she might like pink carpet and I told her to paint it."

And I didn't get mad. I kept my promise. (Go me again!)

I thanked him for telling him the truth, explained to both of them that wall paint does not come off of carpets the way kid paint does, and told them we'd figure something out. I gave them both a hug (Morgan got me all wet), and then put Ryan in charge of Sean while I went to inspect the damage.

It is everywhere and pretty much dried up. Sigh. Also, the walls were smeared in random spots (I fixed those as best I could with the still dripping paint brush).

So, what do we do--a creative use of rugs? Some of it we can cover up with furniture, but some we can't--right in front of the closet.

Funny one day, yes? :o) I must be feeling better because I can kind of see a glimmer of humor about it as I type.

Oh well. Even though this was kind of a disaster, I think I did some things right--I didn't yell. I did show how upset I was in an appropriate way--and even though Morgan got so sad, I think it's good for them to see that this made me mad. I got Ryan to tell me the truth and told him I was proud of him for telling me the truth. I explained about the difference between wall paint and kid paint.

And Morgan's room is just a leeeetle bit pinker than we had intended.

Positive Discipline: What's in Your Parenting Toolbox?

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

One of the interesting things about choosing to use a child-rearing approach that is quite different from the one my parents used on me (and is also different from what many of my parenting peers use), is that I've spent quite a bit of time introspecting, analyzing not only my ideas about parenting, but also my emotions and automatic reactions that I have in difficult parenting situations.

While I certainly wouldn't insist that everyone ought to want to be a parent, I know that I am a different--and better--person today because I did choose to be a parent. My kids have a way of bringing out my best and my worst--and since I really don't like me at my worst, and since I love my kids more than I can possibly come close to describing, I'm extremely motivated to improve.

An idea that I've seen in various Positive Discipline books, groups, articles, etc. is this notion of a toolbox. As a handyman or plumber or other kind of peopleguy has a toolbox full of the things he needs to do his job well, a parent needs a mental toolbox for the same reason. This Parenting Toolbox is full of tactics and strategies for dealing with these new little people and all of their needs and desires. Ideally, the toolbox is full of good tools that are aligned with your values and ideals. Parenting can be a very physical endeavor, especially when they are little and wrangling, wiping, carrying, changing, rocking, etc. needs to be done. But I'm finding that, as the kids get older and those cognitive functions really kick in, the hardest part of parenting is mental.

Because my parents raised me somewhat differently from the way I'm raising my kids, it's a challenge for me. I have ideas in my brain that are the complete opposite of what I'm trying to do here. These ideas and words were automatized when I was growing up--and are in my Parenting Toolbox. I have to work very consciously to A.) Identify them, and B.) Change them if necessary.

Ayn Rand called these "cognitive habits" psycho-epistemology, which, as Leonard Peikoff explains:

pertains not to the content of a man’s ideas, but to his method of awareness, i.e., the method by which his mind habitually deals with its content.

“The Philosophy of Objectivism” lecture series (1976), Lecture 6

There are tools in my Parenting Toolbox that were placed there by my parents. They are tactics and strategies used on me--but many of them are very different from the way in which I am trying to raise my own children.

In order to be the kind of parent I want to be, I'm constantly re-examining my responses to my kids, to make sure that they are in line with my values. And when they aren't, I try to change them. Many times if I'm feeling unhappy with the ways things have been going, it's a clue that I need to sit down and try to identify why I'M behaving the way I am, and think about a different way to behave that's more appropriate.

It's hard for me to put in words my automatic responses to parenting situations, but I'll try. An example of something that I learned in childhood and like and am trying to pass on to my kids might be when they have a question about something. "Let's look it up!" was something I heard a lot from my dad growing up. That is also an automatic response that I have. Honestly, I've sat here about 10 minutes trying to find more examples of things I do use from my childhood, and I can't. I'm not saying that to complain about my childhood, but that exercise was interesting to me. It speaks to how different my values are from those of my parents, I think.

Here are some things that are in my toolbox that I don't like--and the new responses I'm trying to automatize:

Kid says something rude to me.

Broken Tool: "Don't talk back to me!" "Enough!" "Be quiet!"

Better Tool: "I like to be spoken to politely." "Would you like another chance to ask me again without being rude?"


Two kids screaming at each other.

Broken Tool: "Shut up!" "Get out of my face!" "BLLLEAAAGGGGHHH!"

Better Tool: "Sounds like a problem. Can I help?" "Sean is trying to sleep. Can you discuss your problem quietly or should we go to another room?"


Kid questions something I'd like him to do. "Why?" says he (because it's usually Ryan).

Broken Tool: "Because I said so." "Just do it." "You need to do what I say because I'm your mother."

Better Tool: Provide brief explanation.


Any Stressful Situation

Broken Tool: I get bossy and hyper and bark out orders and sometimes yell. :o(

Better Tool: I say, "I'm feeling frustrated here and need to be by myself for two minutes!"


It's so hard for me to use my Better Tools, because some of them aren't quite solidly in my toolbox yet. Some things are almost second nature by now--how to handle standard toddler issues, for example. I have words to say and strategies to use in my toolbox, because I've used them so many times it's become automatic for me to say "No hitting. Hitting hurts." or "You seem like you're in the mood to scream. Would you like to do it outside?" or "Keep your spit in your mouth." Things like that.

But some things are not automatic. Not yet. It's hard for me to say "Sounds like a problem. Can I help?" when I've got my hands full of groceries or baby or we're heading out the door or I'm trying to balance the checkbook. Why? Because in moments of stress, I sometimes revert back to the Broken Tools in my toolbox, because the Better Tools haven't quite replaced them yet.

I have identified a few of my trigger stressful situations. For me, a typical Type A, task-oriented, goal-oriented person, I get really freaking irritated when I can't complete a task. Completing tasks, if you're familiar at all with small children, is really hard to do! (Amy of The Little Things wrote a great post about this particular parenting challenge last summer, that's really stayed with me.)

I know that no matter what I might be doing, I could and probably will be interrupted at any moment. I know this. I know this because it's been happening to me for going on 7 years now (will he really be 7 this spring?). Anything I do must be done as quickly as possible and/or worked around trips to the potty (mine or others), nursing, answering questions, spelling words out loud, changing the movie, picking up, the dishes, the laundry, diaper changing, hair brushing, costume redesign, toy-location, and snacks. And of course, I could be puked on at any time.

I know this--and yet, I still get REALLY annoyed when I get interrupted. Just yesterday, I told myself: "I'm just going to pay these 4 bills online before I move onto the next thing." No sooner did I think such a foolish thing when the baby started fussing and Morgan needed me and the pressure just built and built until I thought I would scream. (I didn't--yay for me.) But it was HARD. I kept telling myself, "Don't yell, don't yell." So what I said instead was "I'm feeling frustrated because I wanted to finish this on my computer!" And picked up the baby. Morgan stared at me wide-eyed for a second and then came to me. So we sat there for a minute and then I asked her, calmly, to play with Sean for a second so I could finish what I was doing. She agreed and I finished and we were all happy.

This, for me, is such a Big Thing. And it may seem silly, especially to you Type B types, but it really is frustrating for me not to be able to complete a 2 minute task. Especially when I thought that the 2 minute window I needed would be available. It's okay for me to be frustrated; it's not okay to yell (and by "yell," I mean lose your temper and scream--a heated voice is appropriate sometimes). I say that to kids all the time: "It's okay to be mad/frustrated/sad. It's not okay to hit/scream at me/walk away."

I struggle with this every day. How to identify my Broken Tools. How to find a way to develop a Better Tool according to my values. Practicing using my Better Tools when I'm calm, so that maybe I'll find the Better Tool poking out of my Parenting Toolbox the next time I'm stressed. And apologizing when I grabbed the wrong tool and said or did the wrong thing. It's a small consolation, but a consolation nonetheless, that at least my kids hear me apologize. (No adult apologized to any child when I was growing up.)

It's an ongoing project, this revising of my cognitive habits, and I'm working on areas of my life other than parenting. But I'm happy to say that I'm getting better all the time.