CtV's First iTunes Review

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Kelly and I got our first review on iTunes yesterday! Unfortunately it wasn't as complimentary as we'd have liked:

"This is a very silly podcast by two young women who have no meaningful track record to indicate the value of their opinions. I guess if you're specifically looking for ideas about how to apply objectivism [sic] to parenting, you might find this interesting; but if you're looking for sound advice about child rearing, you'd do much better to ask a grandma who's actually finished raising a child or two."

I do thank the listener for taking time to write about it, and for noting that those who are interested in Objectivism as applied to parenting might get something out of the podcast. I also am absurdly thrilled to learn that apparently I sound quite young. :o)

However, I'll state for the record that I completely disagree with the underlying premise of the review, that one must be all the way finished raising a child in order to have ideas, opinions, thoughts, or offer advice about parenting. I think it's helpful to think about how you're raising your children, well, the whole way through, and ideally beginning before you acquire one.

I have never claimed to know every single thing there is to know about raising children, and indeed, I have no idea what having teenagers will be like. But since I have a sound set of parenting principles based in reality, I have a parenting framework and set of tools that are consistent with that framework that I use again and again. The situations change, sure, but the principles have taken me from years 0 - 8 quite well. And if something radical changes at some point, you can be sure I'll re-evaluate my premises if necessary.

Our first review from a listener who came to us outside of our blogs! Kind of a big deal, don't you think? And, even better, I was alerted to a woman who joined the Positive Discipline Ning group who had first heard of PD through our podcasts! Very cool.

Oh hey! We'd love some more reviews on iTunes, if you have a mind to write us one. :o) And if you're wondering, we still have many podcasts recorded and ready for production, but we've been so busy with MiniCon we just haven't had a spare second to get to it. We'll get caught up soon though.

Podcast #3: Why Non-Punitive Discipline?

And this process is becoming slightly easier! Hooray! A million thanks to Brendan for his work. We had a few technical wrinkles to smooth over (hopefully the final wrinkles), so this week’s podcast is a little simpler in production.

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): A child models correct behavior for another child, FTW!

• Topic: Why Non-Punitive Discipline/The Ambassador Analogy (begins 3:42)

• Q&A: Celebrating Holidays as non-religious parents (begins 12:55)

We hope you enjoy! See you next week!

Note: You can play it here, or you can go to our Podbean site and download it directly to your iPod or other player. Turning these into iTunes files is on our list of Things To Do, but it'll still probably be a while before we get to that step.

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More Parenting Through Literature

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Today has been a good day on the parenting front. I am in that magical carefully-considered-defined-introspected-and-worked-hard-to-cultivate Zone where no matter what happens or what spills, I am able to handle the incident in a kind, gentle, firm, guidance-oriented way. Especially considering that we have Deadlines and Tasks and other Capital-Lettered Words that us Type A-types seem to be concerned with looming up. Look at me--growing as a person here. :o)

It is much easier for me to remember to be a playful parent when I'm in that Zone, and when I remember to be playful, we all have fun (imagine!) and I'm able to sustain that Zone-y feeling. But if I lose that Zone-y feeling (sing it with me! "You've lost that Zone-y feeling, wooooah that Zone-y feeling . . . !), it's so much harder to keep my parenting goals and tools at the forefront of my consciousness.

Here's an example of how I awesome I've been today--after soccer, we all came home and rested and had a snack and cooled down a little while. Then it was time to do some cleaning up for our guests who are arriving tomorrow. (Because even I have housekeeping standards. It's true.) Ryan volunteered (!) to clean the bathroom surfaces, window and mirrors, so I sent him off to do that, armed with supplies.

Morgan, as my regular readers will know, is a reluctant worker when it comes to household chores. Also, it's extremely difficult to get her re-focused away from what's going on in her head and onto any particular thing I need her to do in general. She indicated an interest in wiping surfaces (these kids love anything that involves wet wipes or Windex and paper towels). I was cleaning the kitchen, and knowing I should keep her near me so I could help her stay on task, I suggested she wipe down the pantry door and all of the cabinets and drawers. Because, they're all pretty nasty, to be perfectly honest.

She happily obliged. After spending about 2.5 minutes wiping the door, she wandered away. I called her back with "Hey Morgan! Wow, that door sure is white where you cleaned it! Come finish the rest and make it match!"

She came back, cleaned for another minute, then drifted off again.

Me: "Morgan, I can tell you've worked so hard on this door. I can't believe how close you are to finishing it. I knew I could count on you!"

She perked up at this--I know that she LOVES it when we give her responsibility and notice how well she's handled it. Really, all kids like this as far as I can tell, but she especially enjoys this now that she's reached the ripe old age of five. She came back and said, "Just you wait, Mom! I'm not done yet!" And then she finished the door.

In the meantime, Ryan kept dashing into the kitchen with "casualties" from his battle (used up paper towels from the Battle of the Mirror, apparently). :o)

So I was all proud of myself for being encouraging (yet not praising with a vague "Good job!" or "Good girl" or "You're the best daughter ever!") and keeping my temper and NOT saying things in a mean voice like "You haven't finished yet." or "Come back here!" or "Why do you keep leaving? Don't you see you're not done?" or anything else similarly discouraging. I was teaching her some real jobs and taking the time to show her how to do them. And she really stepped up. Seriously, this child is typically nearly impossible to get any real help out of, she really is (ask Brendan or Kelly!).

After a while, Ryan had finished his jobs and Sean was becoming crazy annoying something of a hindrance to the cleaning process. So I assigned Ryan to play with Sean, which in a household with a toddler is considered an actual real job (at least in our household).

Somewhere along the way, I noticed something and said:

"Hey Morgan, this is just like in Little House on the Prairie. Ma and one of the older girls working and doing chores and the other older kid playing with the baby."

Again, I probably would not have thought to say that if I'd been stressed out task-focused grumpy-because-the-house-is-a-mess-and-I-never-get-any-help Mommy. And somehow it was the perfect thing I could have possibly said.

Every task after that was "Ma! Look how I'm cleaning this table! Just like on the prairie." and "I wonder when Pa is coming home from work." and "It sure is a Big Job to keep our house tidy when we live on the prairie!" and "Won't Nonnie and Uncle Tim just love to visit our clean house? When will their covered wagon arrive tomorrow?"

She made me call her Laura and we've been referring to Sean as Carrie for the last few hours. Ryan has somehow managed not to say something disparaging once about being referred to as Mary (it's possible he hasn't noticed and I'm not eager to enlighten him just yet). It was so easy and FUN to finish up our cleaning (and we're not really finished yet, just taking a break).

When I sat down to rock the baby, she sat near me and asked what Laura might do when Ma was with the baby. I suggested that the real Laura might have played with dolls or worked on sewing or read a book. She decided to read a book and then went and got a stuffed dog (renamed Jack in honor of our game).

Fun day. A nice reminder to me that Parenting in the Zone makes it easier to stay in the Zone, and to make sure to include Morgan and give her responsibilities. I need to keep noticing when she steps up, and we need to have FUN.

Now I'm wondering what I should add to our reading list next, since this Parenting through Literature things works so well around here. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer? We have some painting that needs doing. What else?

My Livy Vision

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

My dear friend RationalJenn and I were talking today about what we envision our kids being when they are grown. I thought it might be interesting for you guys to know the things I am aiming for in my parenting. Here's what I would like Livy to be at, say, age 21:

I want her to be aware of what she likes to do and what she is good at doing, and I want her to have the skills it takes to begin her career. I want her to have the social skills necessary to maintain good romantic relationships and friendships. I also want her to be able to deal with bosses, coworkers, and random people in the world. I want her to be virtuous (honest, integrated, rational, independent, productive, just, and prideful) because I want her to be able to be happy. I want her to have a good understanding of herself (her personality, strengths, weaknesses, etc) and be working to make herself the best person she can be. I want her to be physically healthy and know how to maintain her health with good nutrition and exercise and sleep. I want her to be able to set goals and work to achieve them. I want her to have a layman's understanding of Objectivism and use it to guide her life.

Here are the things I don't care a lick if she does (I'm not opposed to them, just don't think they are for everyone, and she'll have to decide for herself):

I don't care if she goes to college, gets an apprenticeship, starts a business of her own, or travels the world for a while before settling down. I don't care if she's gay or straight or bi or an introvert with a tight knit group or an extrovert with a huge group, I just want her to be able to have healthy, satisfying relationships with those she chooses to be with. I don't care what her particular optional values are. She doesn't have to be a reader or a liberally educated person or like science. She doesn't have to like my music; she can like thrash metal is she wants to.

I guess this is one more post that should be labeled "minding my own business parenting." What things Livy chooses to pursue are not my business; I will be delighted if she is happy and rational.

The Goal . . .

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

. . . Or, Parenting, What's the Point? :o)

Since I've been writing more about parenting issues, I thought maybe I should address what I think the goal of parenting should be. But before I do that, I'd like everyone to know that while many of my parenting ideas come from books I've read, most them seem to come through conversations with my friend and parenting-philosophy cohort (and fellow Objectivist mommy), Kelly.

On most Fridays, we get together with Kelly and her 5 year old daughter, and usually spend hours and hours together, from lunchtime past dinnertime. I refer to our gatherings as Fun Friend Fridays. Fun Friend Fridays are a great way to end our week and we always eagerly look forward to an action-packed day. (Which is why I rarely blog on Fridays, as I'm sure that has been a question weighing on your mind.)

Because all of those kids are right there with us every second, having adventures and sometimes conflicts, Kelly and I usually spend some of our time talking about parenting. We pretty much see eye-to-eye on parenting goals and discipline strategy and help keep each other on track with our goals. So, many of these parenting issues I've posted about have ideas that either came directly from Kelly, or were developed in conjunction with Kelly, or were influenced by some way by something Kelly said, etc. It's so nice to have a good friend like Kelly! (Thus endeth the paragraph where I give Kelly her due and sayeth "Thank You!")

Anyhoo, Kelly and I were talking about the goals of parenting the other day. It really helps me remember what my ultimate goals are, especially when I'm dealing with a cranky unreasonable three year old!

Ultimately, I plan to work myself out of a job. :o) I know I'll probably never stop "parenting" because they'll always be my babies (sniff). But I know that I want each of my kids to be independent rational productive happy adults. That's my goal for each of them. My goal for myself and Brendan is to have a happy, healthy relationship with our adult children.

Identifying the goals of parenting is the easy part. The more challenging issue is figuring out how to parent such that our goals are met. I'm still figuring this stuff out, and believe me, I'm well aware that my oldest is not even 7 years old, so I have years of shiny new challenges ahead of me. So I'm only really knowledgeable to a point here. I think one of the keys to this parenting thing is to give them lots of room and time to "practice" being an adult, while providing a safe and loving environment where they can get support and hugs as needed. And one way to give them practice at being rational is to give them as much control as possible over their own lives and the right to take the consequences, be they good or bad.

So, control and consequences. In Sean's case, this means being allowed to sit up as long as his little body can do it and if he gets tired or startled and begins to fall over--allowing him to fall and experience what happens. Sometimes he cries, sometimes not. Most of the time he doesn't even fall and sits there, happy and proud. That's an easy example, because he's small and his challenges are relatively few, but the same goes for the older kids--generally as they get older, they need more independence and responsibility. It isn't fair to the child, to put yourself in their way, to prevent them getting the experience of dealing with their good and bad decisions . . . and then to suddenly expect them to be a responsible adult just because their body turned 18 or 21.

So, practice being rational. Only, of course, their brains are immature and they don't have so much life experience--hence the need for the parental safety net. The tricky part is that Line, figuring out where and when you should step in and prevent them from hurting themselves or others, or when to give them help without taking too much independence from them, or when to step back and let the chocolate chips fall where they may. The Line is where your action turns from support into interference.

It's hard sometimes, to figure out when to let go of one of our Ways because the child has outgrown it, or when to nudge the fledgling a little closer to the edge of the nest. And to do so in such a way that is kind and respectful, but firm if need be. But I think that the more they can experience things independently and deal with the outcome and act on their decisions and struggle with something they're trying to learn, the better off they'll ultimately be, because they'll have had lots of practice by the time they're grown. I think the parent is like the training wheels on a bike--at first, providing a great deal of support because they're touching the ground, but then slowly moving up and away, allowing the kid to pedal on his own. There if he needs them, but eventually he'll be free of them.

Or something like that. More to come!

He Amazes Me Again

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I have such great kids. Have I ever mentioned that? :o)

As I wrote yesterday, our friends and next door neighbors suffered a loss over the weekend. Our friend lost his father; his kids, their grandfather ("Paw-Paw"). It was unexpected and we're all very sad. He was a very nice, friendly man. Brendan and I have known them--and him--for 10 years.

Today was the visitation and I went to that in lieu of the funeral tomorrow. (Brendan will represent at the funeral.) I had planned to go by myself--well, my shadow comes with me everywhere, since he's rather attached to me (being that source of food and all), so going somewhere with just him is the same as going somewhere by myself these days. When Ryan heard about this plan, he told us plainly and in no uncertain terms that he wanted to go with.

Well, why not? He knew Paw-Paw, too. I thought it over and decided that I'd rather Ryan go to the visitation than the funeral. The visitation would be less formal, less intense, and less religious (which means slightly fewer questions for me to answer). And of course his buddies (A and his little brother, H) would be there, too. Brendan had to consider it a little longer, but he agreed to the plan.

So I talked it over with Ryan, explaining what a visitation was, what he would see (it was open casket), how to behave, how to speak quietly (his voice tends to carry), how this would not be a good place to run around with his friends, how this was a serious occasion, how he might see people being sad. And I mentioned a few hundred more times about being quiet and not talking too much.

In fact, when I mentioned the open casket, I thought that he might decide to stay here with Brendan. Nope! If anything, it made him more excited to go. Which made me a wee bit nervous. Those of you who know Ryan in real life (and those of you who've gotten to know him through this blog) understand my trepidation. Ryan is full of wonderful, bright, curious honesty, one of his greatest qualities. But he's also six, and when you're six, there's such a thing as too much inquisitiveness and too much honesty and too much talking. Tact, evidently, is a skill that must come later in life. :o)

For you Buffy fans, imagine bringing a newly un-demonized Anya Jenkins to an event like this. Yup.

I could not have been more impressed with him. He picked out a brand new shirt to wear because he wanted to look "fancy." He was patient on the long car ride. He helped me get the baby situated in the stroller and held the door open for me. When we went into the visitation room, he walked right up to A and said, "I'm sorry about your grandfather." Whereupon A corrected him and said that Paw-Paw was his Grandpa, not his grandfather (which is a normal sort of interaction for these guys). Then they started looking at Star Wars cards that their dad gave them.

In talking with A's mom, I learned that A had refused to go up to the casket and was very, very upset. Not that I blame him--I was completely freaked at my grandmother's funeral and wanted to be swallowed up into the earth when I saw her in her casket--and I was nearly thirteen. This little guy isn't even six yet.

A's mom asked Ryan and A and H if they wanted to put little flags in the casket (since Paw-Paw was a veteran of the Korean War) and Ryan said, "Sure!" He took one, marched right on up there, put the flag in the casket, said, "Goodbye, Paw-Paw" and his friend A went with him and left his flag, too. It was a moment, if you understand my meaning.

I think it really helped A, having his friend there. Of course, this whole thing was a million times easier for Ryan than for A, since it wasn't his grandfather up there. But again--he was so unafraid. I'm glad that his presence made it easier for his friend to go and say goodbye.

After that, whenever he was introduced to the family, he was polite and said "Nice to meet you." or "Hello." or "I'm six and I'm allergic to peanuts." or "I'm friends with A and H." Not too bad, not too bad at all!

This event was a big deal for me, too, not just because I knew and liked this man and am sad for my friends. I had the sense that this was one of those Big Parenting Moments, of not wanting to blow this for Ryan, knowing that how I talked about and acted in this situation would set the tone and example for him in all such future events. I wanted to set his expectations so that he would be prepared for what he experienced today. So that when we experience a death in our own family, he'll know that he can count on us to set expectations and help him through it at that time. And I was nervous because I'm not really good at funerals--and I'm also still just a wee tad eensy tiny bit hormonal. :o)

When my grandma died, my parents did a poor job of preparing me. I had never been to a funeral/visitation before and my mom and dad, so wrapped up in their grief, as well as maybe not wanting to upset me and my sister and brother even more than we already were, told us nothing. So everything was a big surprise and that made it, I think, worse than it needed to be. I think it made them too sad to talk about it and they didn't want us to see them sad. But you know, it's okay to be sad when someone dies. Yes, it can be upsetting for a child to see the adults around him sad--but when you talk about why and are sad together, isn't that better, ultimately? I wish that had happened when I was a kid. My sadness would have had some more of that healing feeling to it, and maybe a bit less confusion.

Along these same lines, we have been preparing both Ryan and Morgan for the impending death of one of our cats. She is very old, very ill, and we are planning to have her euthanized soon. We decided that this week wasn't a good week to do it--she's not suffering, so we have some time. (And we haven't told them about the euthanasia part--I think that would be a bit much for them to get, even as understanding as they are.) Even though she's just a cat, she's a member of our family, and I know this will hit them hard. Ryan and I have talked about, oh, lots of things to do with the kitty's illness. You'd be amazed--or perhaps you wouldn't--to learn that he has many elaborate plans for the kitty's bones. See why I was nervous about taking him today? :o)

I see I have digressed. Lots to think over, and writing it is helpful. Anyway, once again, Ryan has amazed me with his honesty, and I don't know . . . fearlessness is the only word that comes to mind. Good stuff, even in this bad situation. And, as an aside, bringing the baby was a good plan, too--I had lots of people saying how glad they were to see a baby there. (Which is good, since I kinda had to bring him.) I think there is something so hopeful and happy and optimistic about the presence of babies that people who are grieving respond to.

And now, to bed with me!