Using the Mistaken Goal Chart In the Classroom

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Since I wrote about the mistaken goal chart last week, I thought this week I would give my dear readers an example of how I have used it. Plus, I have been wanting to write more about my classroom/gym experience using positive discipline, so here goes.

I was teaching a one-hour 5 year old gymnastics class with 8 kids in it. Mostly, it is super easy to get kids to behave in gymnastics because they love to be there and naturally stay right on track. With the littler kids, though, there is often the problem of distractability in a gym where 6 thousand things are going on all around them. But for a 5 year old class like this, usually just calling the kids name snaps him back into the task at hand, and that's often all the discipline I have to do.

Most of my class management occurs before the kids even get there. I try to streamline the process of moving from bars to beam to floor to vault so that there is little time between activities in which to misbehave. I enlist the kids help for setting up, give them little tasks while moving between activities (like walking on toes), and try to minimize waiting in lines. Those things keep kids moving and having fun, so they don't even think of doing anything inappropriate.

I also use my energy level to keep kids focused. If a coach sits or stands still or stops talking and encouraging and laughing, the laws of physics state that the coach becomes a black hole and all the energy of the class will be sucked away. So I move constantly, touching everyone, giving constant feedback, laughing and joking and enjoying myself, and that keeps the kids energy where it belongs: in their cartwheels.

But I have had a few challenging students who required more support from me to behave well, and that's where the mistaken goal chart comes into the story. In this particular 5 year old class, I had a little boy who was a terror. He constantly irritated the other kids, would do one cartwheel and then stop, would wander away from the class, would try to get my attention every second, etc. He was one of those kids that gets talked about in the break room. Coaches try to teach classes he isn't in. He had several older brothers who also ran wild over the gym waiting area while the little one was in class, and they all drove the secretary mad. I asked around about his family because I never ever saw a parent with whom to discuss his behavior. I was told that he didn't have a dad, and his mom was almost completely uninvolved in his life. Basically, he was being raised by his older brothers who were still kids themselves.

Knowing something about his life did two things. First, it made me feel sympathetic to him instead of angry and annoyed. Second, it made me think about the whys of his behavior instead of just the what. So, I used the mistaken goal chart. I noticed that I mostly felt annoyed and irritated by him, so that's a clue that his mistaken goal might be undue attention. From what I understood about his home life, it seemed to fit. Why wouldn't a child who didn't get enough adult attention try to get it from every adult he came into contact with? And if he was being taught all his social skills by other kids, it seemed reasonable that he was using a poor method that wasn't getting results. I wondered about what school must be like for him; I would be willing to bet that his teachers think of him as a trouble maker (just like the coaches at the gym). He was probably getting mostly negative attention there too.

So I decided that I wouldn't wait for him to misbehave or ask for attention. I would just give him tons of physical contact and kind words from the beginning and see what happened. I would also continue to stop him from irritating other students, but I would worry less about how much gymnastics he was learning and focus for a while on what kind of experience he was getting from me (one of the few adults he ever interacted with).

I asked him if he would like it if I carried him from activity to activity. Yes, he said, with a lit up face, he would love this. Most 5 year old boys want to play roughly with me, but they aren't usually cuddlers, so I took this as proof that he desperately needed adult contact. I hugged him when I saw him. I touched his hair when I passed by him in line. I spent time picking him up and throwing him into the foam pit (I did the same to the other kids, since they all love this). I spoke with him before and after class. I waved at him on the playground when I saw him during his brother's classes. I carried him from beam to bars to vault to floor. I treated him like a darling child that I couldn't get enough of. And an amazing thing happened. He became a darling child that I couldn't get enough of.

His behavior improved A LOT. He stayed on task; he begged for attention less; he kept his hands off the other students; he stayed where he was supposed to stay. He blossomed when some love and affection was showered on him, not as a reward for good behavior, but as his due as a child.

Had I not consulted the mistaken goal chart, I would still have addressed his behavior using positive discipline. But I wouldn't have been fixing the problem he really had. I could have made him the line leader, but his problem wasn't that he felt a lack of power. I could have found him a smaller class with less going on in the gym at that time, but his problem wasn't over-stimulation. By using the chart to find his real problem, the misbehavior melted away. Jane Nelson really is right when she says that "children behave better when they feel better."

Hugs Update: Moderate Success

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

So anyway, Ryan and I have been struggling for the last few days. There's really too much to write about, and most of the details are unimportant, but I'll just say he's been really mean and uncooperative and belligerent lately. I'm tired. He's even acting out physically--we had to literally carry/drag/hold him away from an outing last weekend while he hit and kicked at us. On one hand, it's so irritating that he is doing this stuff at 7.5. On the other, he has self-control and really didn't hit hard--it was clearly a Test, Only a Test.

I have to wonder if some of this is a way of releasing stress from our recent travels and the disruption to our morning routine because of Brendan's new job. I think it's safe to say that these two things are definitely factors. Because Morgan has been really out of sorts lately, too, with not one but three full-blown tantrums yesterday alone. Now that she's 4.5, her tantrums don't last quite as long and are not quite as intense (and she's never really been a huge one for tantrums in general). I suppose that's the upside to having this behavior happen when they're older--they do have and exhibit more self-control than they did at 2 or 3. (Hey, I'm doing anything to find an upside lately!)

So yesterday, Ryan and I had another problem. I think I handled it well, and I even incorporated the Hugs PD Tool Card, although it wasn't in a tantrum situation. Bear with me; it's long!

Every other Wednesday, we have Cleaning Peopleguys come and do the vacuuming and other light cleaning. We've done this for years, mostly because although my allergies are much better after five years of allergy shots, I'm still pretty allergic to dust mites and vacuuming (even with a HEPA filter) is bad news. Also, to be honest, it's kind of a treat for me!

Since every other Wednesdays are cleaning days, every other Tuesdays are picking up days. So we pick up all of the toys and papers and other crap off of the floors and put them away so the vacuuming can be done (and so I feel like I have a clean house at least once every two weeks). The older children help me with this task, especially in their bedrooms.

Our deal is that you can keep your room any way you like, but at least once every two weeks, everything needs to be picked up so the vacuuming can happen. Morgan's room is rarely messy, since she does all of her playing down here (well, apart from painting with pink latex wall paint). Ryan's room goes through ups and downs with messes, but with my help (and I'm generally willing to provide it), it takes less than 10 minutes to pick everything up.

Yesterday, he was so mean to me and argumentative and uncooperative and mean (yes I'll say it again), that when it came time for our Tuesday pick up, I was all out of patience and didn't want to help him clean up and told him he was on his own. He rudely demanded my help. I told him that after being offered unkindness from him (in the form of rude words and non-cooperation) so many times today that I didn't want to offer him kindness (in the form of help with room-cleaning) in return.

He angrily shouted: "You HAVE to help me pick up my room!"

And I calmly said: "No I don't. I might have considered helping you even now, had you asked me in a kind way. But I do not have to help and I do not WANT to help. It's up to you to get this done."

By the way--I was all kinds of proud myself for remaining so calm throughout the entire incident!

So of course he refused to do it at all, which didn't surprise me in the least. I reminded him of our longstanding agreement and that I expected him to honor it, that the floors needing vacuuming. He then told me with a smug Checkmate kind of look on his face "Well, I'm not going to do it, so I guess you'll have to help me after all!"

ARG. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH. And still I did not lose it.

I thought for a moment and then told him that yes, I was willing to pick up the toys off of his floor because I needed the vacuuming to get done. But that didn't mean I'd put them away in his toy bins. Because I was worried he'd just take them out again and mess up his room (because somewhere during this argument--which I'm condensing because both Ryan and I were involved--he'd threatened to do just that).

So I gave him a choice to make: "I'm going to fold some laundry and take a shower. You have until I'm all finished with those things to clean your floor. If the floors aren't clean, then I will clean them up myself and put the toys somewhere out of your room, so that I can feel confident that those toys will not go right back on your floor."

More arguing ensued--a day later, it's all kind of jumbled in my memory, but the main themes were:

• "I need you to help me!!!!" My response was always something along the lines of "I already told you I'm not helping this time. You haven't been trading me kindness today and I really don't want to help you."

• "It's MY room! These are MY things!" My response: "Yes, those are your things and this is your room. But this room is in my house, the house Daddy and I pay for. The carpets belong to me, and I need them vacuumed every so often to keep them clean and for my allergies." I don't think he quite understands the idea of a lease yet, or I would have compared this to an apartment rental (not that he pays rent, of course).

• "It's not fair! I'm just going to mess this up again anyway!!!! You can't make me!" Etc. My response: "This is fair. Our agreement was that you would do this every two weeks. Normally I help you, but not today. You have a chance to show me that you will honor our agreement by handling this. What you choose to do now will show me how much you value your toys because you'll get to keep them in your room, or not. The carpets will be vacuumed. The toys will be picked up. It's up to you--your choice--where your toys will go until the carpets are vacuumed. If you value having them in your room, you know which decision to make."

And after several rounds of that, I finally broke free and got my shower and laundry done. Let me tell you--he was ENRAGED. And I was pretty mad, too--but staying calm. Which was really quite remarkable, since I was wrangling the other two kids at the same time, and one of them likes to dangle over the top of the staircase because evidently he's completely forgotten about his tumble.

And Ryan didn't pick up his toys, but you knew that, didn't you? :o)

When I walked into his room, I didn't say anything and just started putting toys into his big toy box. And he actually had the nerve to say "Oh hey! I guess you're helping me pick up after all!" Arg. After I filled up that box, I walked out of the room with it, and then he flipped his cookies, grabbing it and pulling it. I put the box into Sean's bedroom and went for more. I removed three boxes of toys and got his carpet clean, all the while listening to screaming outrage and fending off the occasional half-hearted kick and attempts to pry things out of my hands. No. Really.

He said some really ugly things to me which I won't repeat here. He threatened to get his toys and go dump them back in his room. I explained that the bedroom door was locked (it's the push-and-turn kind, that you can open with a long skinny key--or shish kebab skewer, in our case). He wanted to know how long I'd keep his toys and I told him that I needed to keep them until his carpets were vacuumed.

And then I went downstairs. It felt like we'd been doing this for days (it was probably 90 minutes). After a while, I went back upstairs and said that I wasn't feeling quite so mad, and that I needed a hug. He refused. So I told him where he could find me and left. A long time later, he came down and said he wanted to talk. I just held out my arms. He stared at me for a while and then leaned against me, with his hands in his pockets. I hugged him but he didn't hug me back. I told him I loved him and that I knew we'd figure this stuff out. He leaned into me some more, and then suddenly broke away, crying. He ran upstairs, crying, "That hug made me cry! I DON'T want to talk any more!!!!"

But then after a little while longer, he did come back down and behaved nicely and more calmly than he had for days. Not perfectly, mind you, but a drastic improvement. And later on during some silly time, he gave me a long hug, which just about melted me. He did take out more of his toys and cluttered up his carpets before bedtime, but when I suggested that his picking them back up might be a good way to show me that he was willing to honor our agreement, he actually did.

And so now that the carpet is vacuumed, he can have them back. And we'll see what happens in two weeks! Or maybe even in two minutes, since I can never tell when something might turn into a Thing worth battling to the death over.

Things I am Happy about:

• Me, being calm, is a REALLY Good Thing. If I had lost it, injecting more emotion into that emotional chaos, it would have been more awful than it already was. Being calm models good behavior for him (and his spectator siblings) and is really conducive to actual problem-solving.

• I stood my ground in a non-punishy way. I got the thing I needed (I fulfilled my rational self-interest) which was clean carpets. I did NOT help him because of the way he'd been treating me, even though I was tempted to many times. But I just couldn't give in on this one, because it seemed like it would give him the idea that being an emotional bully is a good way to get what you want. Or that Mommy is a Chump. Or something like that.

• When I did pick up his toys, I was doing it for ME--not to help him. And so I wasn't in a bad mood about it.

• I think telling him that I needed a hug was a wonderful way to reconnect with him after our emotional battles. Because I really DID need a hug. I've been feeling so angry with him and that makes me feel distant from him. I wanted to remember all of the great things about him that make him such a neat kid, and I wanted to FEEL my love for him. Hugging him, even when he didn't hug me back, allowed me to feel love toward him again, instead of just anger. And when he reciprocated much later, and made obvious overtures toward reconnecting with me, it was so heartening. I know he is a nice boy, that the little tyrant isn't all there is to him. And it was so amazingly wonderful to see that side of him with my own eyes.

Oh, there's more I could write about why I don't think a traditional punishment would have improved matters and about kids and property rights, but I'm also sure you want me to end this, so I'll get to those other topics another time. Bye!

PD Tool Card: Hugs

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I'm picking the Hugs card this week because we have had quite a few difficult days recently. Quite frankly, I need a hug!

Some of my frustration is simply due to the fact that I have more than one kid (which is our own doing of course, but can't be helped now).

All kids go through phases--ups and downs, easy times and challenging times. The issue when you have more than one kid is that sometimes these phases sync up--which is hard because then you are dealing with two or more really irritating challenging people at the same time.

And the other issue is that sometimes these phases DON'T sync up--which is hard because just as one kid is becoming more reasonable, another one is flipping out because suddenly she can't find the arm holes on her dress and by the way she has forgotten how to both remove and put on clothing and so tramps downstairs screaming, one arm in an arm hole in the front, her head halfway through the head hole, the empty arm hole a-flappin' in the breeze behind her.

Or something like that. :o)

I honestly don't know which is harder. When the phases sync up, it's super-dee-dooper crazy insane during the unreasonable times. But then it's simply AWESOME during the reasonable period. Perhaps too awesome, because then I forget about the hard parts.

But when they are out of sync, I feel like I never get a break. We had an AWFUL weekend with Ryan. There were good parts--fortunately mostly during the parts we were with our friends. But he was just . . . awful. As in I'm trembling for my future self during his teen years awful.

And Morgan is going through something, too, evidently (we're skipping art class this morning because it just wasn't going to be possible--a mutual decision, not a punishment or anything). But this morning, Ryan is super great and awesome! Sigh. And I don't get to enjoy it because she is crazy. Which isn't exactly true--I can still enjoy Ryan's niceness. Just not fully.

Okay then! I didn't intend this to be such a gripey post!

Right. Hugs.

This is a technique I have never actually tried before, unlike most of the other PD Tool Cards I've written about. So I'm excited to give it a go. I'll let you know! And thanks for listening!