Podcast #11: Money

At long last, we are happy to present our 11th podcast! We are grateful for the feedback we received from our listeners about the technical issues with the last podcast. Hopefully this one sounds a little better–Brendan turned the sound way up, so we’re hoping that will solve at least some of the problem. We didn’t test it on an iPod (because we’re currently on vacation!), but I think we’ll start this testing as part of our production process.

If you have feedback about the podcast–technical or content or otherwise!–please drop us a line at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

Our line up this time is:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): Dealing with the jealous feelings of her child when she (Kelly) pays attention to other children
• Topic: Money (begins 8:00)
• Q & A: How did your relationships with other adults change after the arrival of children? (begins 29:34)

You can get the podcast here, on iTunes, or just below!

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Thanks for listening! We’d love your comments and feedback and questions!

Podcast #10: Toddlers (Part 1)

Welcome back and as always, thanks for listening! In this episode:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): Negotiating with a child about an unfair situation and trying to meet everyone's needs

• Topic: Toddlers, part 1 (begins 7:33)

• Q&A: Do you interact differently with your kids in public? (begins 28:20)

Yes, this is a long one! We got rather carried away with toddlers, and will be posting part 2 as part of another podcast.

Here's the book we tried and failed to recall the title of during the Toddlers section, The Aware Baby:






Enjoy, and please let us know how we're doing!

You can listen here, or download directly from our podcast home, or download from iTunes!

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And don't forget to join our Facebook Fan Page. :o) We'd also very much appreciate it if you took the time to write us an iTunes review (there's only that not-so-nice-or-helpful one up there) or help us promote the podcast on Facebook. Thanks so  much!

The One about the Fight

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

If you follow me on Twitter (and really, you should!), you might be aware that last week Ryan got into a fist fight with one of his neighborhood friends. I didn't actually witness the fight, which I think is an advantage for me in a strange way. Certainly this is a situation that requires Thoughtful Parenting, and now that things seem to have been resolved, I'm ready to share this story.

It was a nice spring afternoon, and Ryan and Morgan were running around in the backyard with four of their friends from the neighborhood. In addition to my kids, there were A., H., W., and E. All boys except for Miss Morgan.

There was some kind of play battle going on, as I could hear from inside. I was getting the baby down for his nap and we were rocking and rocking and rocking in the easy chair. As I was absentmindedly listening to the sounds from outside, I noticed a change in the screaming. If you have kids, you have probably had those moments where you wonder "Hmmm...is that part of the game, or is someone hurt/crying/mad/beating the crap out of someone else?" Well then.

I heard Ryan shout "Get out of my yard!!!!"

Then, A: "You're not the boss of me!!!!"

Then, more screaming.

Then, crashboombangunidentifednoises....

Then Morgan was stomping up the back stairs and saying, round-eyed, "Ryan and A. are having a fight!!!"

By this point I was trying to pretend that Sean was ready to be put down on his own so I could deal with this apparently serious situation. Sean, to my chagrin, was actually not in the mood for pretending along with me, so the next 10 minutes of my life were filled with screaming, pissed off boys. Morgan maintained her composure, but had the Big Eyes of Wonder and Worry.

W. and E. were waiting at the front door, ready to fill me on the details. A. and H. had already gone home. I had to tell W. and E. several times "No thank you, I don't want to hear about what happened. It's time for everyone to take a break and go back to their own houses." W. in particular was simply itching to tell me all kinds of stuff. (More on why I didn't want to hear his version in a bit.)

Meanwhile, Ryan was furious and trying to hold back tears. I made the mistake of trying to touch him once or twice and quickly backed off. (What am I, new here?) After Ryan ran upstairs to rage and/or calm down, I talked to Morgan to find out what she knew.

Based on both of their stories, here's what I was able to piece together:

All of the kids were playing a battle and then A. hit Ryan in the eye with a swim noodle (aka, a sword or lance or other weapon) on purpose (according to Ryan). When Ryan accused A. of the crime, A. called Ryan a moron (among other things) and the screaming began. A. threw a lawn chair at Ryan, who then threw it at the fence (which explains some of the crashing I heard). Some other lawn implements may or may not have been hurled. Then the fists started flying. (Neither boy was seriously physically hurt.)

Here's the thing: I don't really actually care who hit first or whether A. hit Ryan on purpose with the noodle. Which is why I sent the other boys home without hearing their eyewitness reports.

Most of the reason I don't care is because, quite frankly, I can't trust my sources. :o) Not only that, I didn't want to listen to W. and E. at that particular moment because Ryan was still in the Beyond Upset and Planning his Revenge Phase, and any variation from the Official, Ryan-Approved Version of the story would have been throwing fuel on top of that particular fire.

Now, based on what I know about both of these boys and their many years of history, personalities, etc. I do think it very likely that A. hit Ryan with the swim noodle accidentally, and Ryan overreacted by ordering A. out of the yard. And I also find it very likely that A. was probably the prime mover in the punching of the fists portion of the program.

Even so--what actually happened is less important to me than the fact that neither boy was very injured (no blood was shed at all), and that both boys have a plan going forward for how they will handle this next time.

After Ryan calmed way down (took a couple of hours), he told me his perspective about what happened and why. We discussed other ideas for what he could do the next time he and A. got so mad at each other that they felt like hitting each other, or really, the next time anybody felt like someone was hurting them on purpose in any way (the swim noodle!). I explained that I didn't really want them to play together until the two of them talked about what happened and agreed on a plan for next time. Ryan understood what I was saying, but was still in I'm Never Playing With HIM Ever Again mode.

Also, I should mention that I talked over with Morgan some things she could do if she ever found herself in a bystander role. She could, of course, come and get a grownup, which she did. She was happy to know she did a right thing. I also suggested that she could shout "STOP!" as loud as she could, because that might get the fighters to realize they should stop. Or at the very least, alert any grownups who happen to be nearby trying to put toddlers down for a nap.

And this is where the real parenting challenge began for me. Because I haven't had the best success in getting cooperation from the other parents when our boys have had disagreements in the past. They are nice people, but they parent differently from the way we do (tending toward permissive, I'd say), and they also seem really reluctant to handle anything that requires a confrontation or a resolution toward the future. In fact, based on the way similar (but less serious) matters have been treated in the past, I was not at all hopeful that the other mom would even agree to having the boys talk together about this.

Later that afternoon, I called the other mom, who seemed pleasantly surprised to find that I was calling regarding the fight. Sigh. But she did readily agree to my idea that I thought that Ryan and A. needed to sit down together, with us parents, and talk about what happened and figure out a plan for next time. We agreed to get the boys together after dinner that night.

That might have worked on our end. After those several hours had passed, Ryan had calmed down and developed some perspective (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and I think he would have been fine in our discussion. However, the other boy had fallen asleep at an unusually early hour. From the stress of the fight? Or was he over-tired and was that a factor in what happened? Who knows? Anyway, the discussion didn't happen that night.

His mom texted me to say A. had fallen asleep early, but mentioned that she had "talked to him" about the incident. I called the next day and left a message. Then nothing for a couple of days. Based on the past, I think she thought (thinks?) that because I'd talked to Ryan and she'd talked to her son, that the problem was handled.

But the way I view it, the problem that the boys have with each other was not handled. Each mom talked to her boy, and we probably said the same things to each of them: "Use words." "Come and get me next time." "I'm sure he didn't mean it that way." And maybe what we said was comforting (because that's what we mommies do, comfort).

However, I strongly believe that Ryan and A. needed to discuss the problem and agree on a plan for next time. A big component of Positive Discipline is looking forward. We don't just deal with what's just happened, we don't just listen, empathize, and not punish; we put tools into the hands of our children so that they might be better equipped to handle similar issues in the future. (As an aside, I think punishments/rewards can distract from the learning of new tools. Also, taking time to calm down helps, since in the heat of the moment, people often don't really care about the future, focused as they are on the recent past and their present feelings of anger.)

What I decided to do after I started to suspect that the other mom considered the matter closed is talk to both boys myself. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do parenting-wise when there's a kid involved who doesn't belong to you. But no matter what the other mom and kid want, MY kid is involved and I want him to have these tools. Also because of what had occurred, I really didn't trust the two of them to play together without supervision. I hate having to supervise 7 and 8 year olds playing in the backyard when they ought to be able to supervise themselves. So I wanted both boys to have some tools to use for next time, and this needed to be a prerequisite of their playing together unsupervised.

Well, we happened to see A. and H. this evening while grilling out our dinner on the balcony. The kids all seemed super happy to see each other and Ryan and A. were talking like old times. Yay. I was biding my time, not saying anything about the fight (they were talking over the fence between our yards). Then Ryan asked if he could go over and I jumped at the opportunity. This was not the way I'd envisioned it--sitting together in the kitchen, with parents from all sides, etc. But I went for it anyway.

I told them I'd be happy for them to play together, but I thought the two of them--all of them really, since H. and Morgan were there, too--ought to come up with a plan for next time they all felt angry and wanted to start hitting each other. All four children (ages 5, 5.5, 7.5, and 8) readily agreed. In fact, they were kind of laughing about the incident. A. said, "Yeah, we don't want that to happen again." and Ryan agreed.

So I said, "Okay, do you want to hear my idea? Let's all think of six OTHER things we might do if we're feeling so mad we might want to hit."

A.: "We saw a movie at school that talked about 10 things to do instead of fight."

Me: "Great! Give us some ideas!"

And the kids--all FOUR of them--came up with six ideas. It was kind of difficult to keep the conversation on track, since they sort of drifted off into wild and crazy tangents, and kept laughing over some of their ideas. Not to mention the fact that I was leaning over the balcony rail and all of the kids were talking over the fence. But they were all agreeable to the process and really had fun doing it. So this is the story of how I helped four children create a Wheel of Choice while shouting over the edge of my balcony.

What's a Wheel of Choice? Why, it's a Positive Discipline Tool Card!


In our case, the Wheel of Choice is a list of thing s the children agreed to do in the future. Our Plan. Here's a picture (I wrote it up later, but will copy it for A.):


Here's what they agreed. Instead of hitting, they will choose one of the following instead:

• Use words to say how mad they are

• Hit something soft like a pillow (or a bag of flour, someone suggested)

• Make a Mad Face out of something (A.'s suggestion, from his movie at school. Apparently someone made a Mad Face on a pizza and then ate it! The kids thought other Mad Faces might work--with sticks or pine cones, or draw a picture on the ground.)

• Pull up grass (like if you're outside and need to do something physical, grab a chunk of grass and pull until you feel better)

• Find a grownup (MY suggestion!)

• Hit yourself instead of someone else, but not too hard! (They all simply cracked up at the idea of "Hey I'm so mad at you I'm going to bonk MYSELF on the head!" It's not my favorite idea, but this was their list. And it is a little silly--sometimes a bit of comic relief can help a tense situation.)

So they told me their list, and were all laughing like the chums they usually are about the whole thing. Even through the playfulness, it seemed like they knew I was very serious, and Ryan and A. did seem to want to make it up. :o) I let the kids know I'd write it up, and I'll be sure to point it out to them the next few times they play together. As well as keep a close watch on them. Because even though they now have tools for moving forward, they will need some adult supervision for a while. Both boys are highly sensitive and vengeance-prone. And young enough to need help.

So this situation has been handled (for now). Ideally, we parents would have sat them down and all of us talked together. That didn't--and probably wasn't--going to happen. As much as I hate to take parenting matters into my own hands, I really thought I needed to. At the very least, these will be the ground rules for future playdates at my house--and I'm sure if they fight over at A.'s house his mom will send everyone home until they chill out, even if they don't consult the Wheel of Choice.

And that was the story of Ryan's First (and hopefully Only) Fist Fight!

Parenting Toolbox: Validate Feelings

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

So before I talk about what to do with feelings, what are they exactly?

"Your subconscious is like a computer—more complex a computer than men can build—and its main function is the integration of your ideas. Who programs it? Your conscious mind. If you default, if you don’t reach any firm convictions, your subconscious is programmed by chance—and you deliver yourself into the power of ideas you do not know you have accepted. But one way or the other, your computer gives you print-outs, daily and hourly, in the form of emotions—which are lightning-like estimates of the things around you, calculated according to your values." --Ayn Rand "Philosophy: Who Needs It" from Philosophy: Who Needs It

So basically, feelings are automatic physiological responses to value judgments a person has already made. Feelings can be good clues to figuring out your thinking, but feelings can never replace thinking. Feelings, as automatic responses, are neither wrong or right; only the underlying conclusions can be wrong or right.

So what does this mean about the way parents should respond to children's emotions? One more quote:

"An emotion as such tells you nothing about reality, beyond the fact that something makes you feel something. Without a ruthlessly honest commitment to introspection—to the conceptual identification of your inner states—you will not discover what you feel, what arouses the feeling, and whether your feeling is an appropriate response to the facts of reality, or a mistaken response, or a vicious illusion produced by years of self-deception . . . .

In the field of introspection, the two guiding questions are: “What do I feel?” and “Why do I feel it?”" --Ayn Rand "Philosophical Detection" from Philosophy: Who Needs It

The correct response to an emotion is introspection, asking oneself these two questions. But small children are not yet skilled in introspection, so it should be our goal as parents to model the process for them, both in dealing with our own emotions and with their. First, an example of modeling when dealing with our own emotions.

Today, Livy was playing over at Jenn's house with Ryan, Morgan, and two neighbor boys. The kids were excited and chase each other into the street. I immediately yelled, "Out of the street!" with real fear in my voice. When they were safely in the yard, I told them how scared I was when they went into the street and why. I identified my emotion for them - yelling, big-eyed Mom equals fear - (first question - "What do I feel?"), and then I told them that a car might have hit them (Why do I feel it?). By modeling an identification of my emotion and a reason why I feel it, I am teaching them not only to stay out of the street, but how to introspect.

Now an example of dealing with a child's emotions:

Livy comes running into the house, crying. I go to her and pick her up and ask, "What is the matter, sweetie?" She launches into a story about how they were playing red light green light and Ryan did this and Morgan did this and then that happened and then this happened, etc. I listen until she is done telling me the story, and then I say, "You sound really mad. Are you mad?" Sometimes I am right, sometimes not. Let's say this time she says, "No, I am sad." Then I say, "I can see that are so so so sad." She says, "Yes. So sad. As sad as the whole universe." So now we have answered the first question: What are you feeling? Next, she might (cause she is 6) tell me why she is sad. "Ryan or Morgan or someone else or the universe hurt my feelings by doing X." But when she was smaller, I would say, "Are you sad because Ryan, Morgan, or whoever did X?" Sometimes a yes, sometimes a no, but now she is focused on the second question: Why do I feel it?

If a parent hides his own feelings and the reasons for them, he has denied the child a chance to observe introspection. If the parent tells a child in the grip of an emotion, "Don't be upset. It will be alright." or distracts the child from his emotion or tells the child his emotion is not appropriate, he has denied the child a chance to practice introspection. I believe that preventing children for experiencing, thinking about, and working through their emotions leads to repression.

So validating the child's feelings in the moment means:

1. postponing a rational discussion of the thoughts behind the emotion until the introspection is done. In other words, let people feel what they feel before you start trying to find solutions. This can be especially hard if they child's emotions seem inappropriate or are directed at you. But, emotions are valid, even if they underlying thoughts are not, and so letting the emotion happen before working on the underlying thoughts allows introspection and then problem solving.

2. "not fixing, rescuing, or trying to talk children out of their feelings." -- Jane Nelson A big emotion is a great chance for kids to introspect and to learn that they are capable. They learn that feeling sad or scared or angry won't last forever, and that they can make it through.

3. being present with the child who is in the grip of a big emotion. Emotions, for the child who is still unskilled at dealing with them, can be really scary. Their hearts may race; they may feel out of control; or they might get all sweaty or shaky. It is much easier to do the hard work of introspection when we feel safe and supported. Also, since children are not skilled introspectors, they need a parent to help them walk through the process. I am always amazed that adults expect 2 year olds in time out to "think about what you did;" it is our job as parents to teach them how to do that kind of thinking.

One final thought: I think validating feelings would work wonders for most relationships, not just those with children. How many of us have felt, after telling a friend or spouse about a problem, that we wished they had just supported us and then let us come up with our own solutions? For children, I think it is the same. When they are in the grip of an emotion, they need our support and love while they are feeling the emotion and introspecting about it, and then they can work on their own solutions (probably with our help). By jumping right in to end the emotion and get the problem solved for them, we deny them a chance to be efficacious.

Fears

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

My kids have been experiencing a resurgence of fears lately. It's a challenge for a parent to help their kids manage their fears in a rational way, and I'm learning that this becomes more challenging (for me) as the kids get older.

Sean is currently in the throes of developmentally age-appropriate separation/stranger anxiety. This happens because he has finally understood that he and I are separate people and his memory has developed to the extent that he can remember me when I'm absent. And since Mommy is the Source of All Goodness in the Universe, it means he freaks when he can't see me. This is difficult for both of us, but I also know it's a normal stage for appropriately attached toddlers to go through. Each child has experienced it differently in terms of intensity and duration, but the symptoms are generally the same: there is a toddler up my butt at all times.

I'm encouraged though--the symptoms seem to be easing just a bit. I'm often able to be in a different room from him for up to 3 minutes before the freak. He is fine with the babysitter (after the initial shock of course). He hung out with Kelly for a good 45 minutes at the farm the other day and did just fine. She said he kept looking for me, but didn't get sad. It helps that he knows her so well, but even a few weeks ago, this might not have been such a pleasant experience for either of them!

Morgan's fears are more sophisticated and imaginative. For her, it boils down to one thing: demons. Yes, we're very clear with her about the fact that demons are pretend. But really, it doesn't matter--even though she knows they aren't real, she fears the idea of them all the same.

It's interesting that she can handle other things that you might imagine would scare a child of 4.5. We've recently seen the firstand thirdIndiana Jones movies. None of the face melting or crumbling into dust seemed to bother her in the least. I was about 10 when I saw the face melting and was thoroughly traumatized. And just so nobody is worried--we watched these movies with the kids slowly over the course of several days, taking breaks when things became worrisome, and talking with them about what happened. We tend to do that when they want to see something that we think might be hard for them to handle intellectually or emotionally. (We also don't initiate such things--I'm not in a big hurry to have them watch Indiana Jones, especially. This was a request of hers that we decided to honor, in a way in which we could observe her and support her if necessary.)

The way we handle fears of imagination is generally to provide lots of comfort during the upset times, remind them occasionally how pretend the thing is, and we also fight fantasy with fantasy. I think one key component to getting over any kind of fear is feeling somewhat in control of the situation. Sometimes, it's enough to have control over avoiding your fear. Sometimes, you need to be more proactive.

Hence, Demon Spray. Before Morgan goes to bed, if she expresses concerns about the demons in her room, we give her a small spray bottle with water in it. We told her, "Well, you know demons are just pretend, right? But you're still scared and I understand. Why don't we pretend this bottle is filled with Demon Spray? Demons hate getting wet and they hate Demon Spray most of all! So you just spray this around your room and those demons will stay out!" This makes her feel better, it really does.

By the way, demons also hate flowers, My Little Pony, Hello Kitty, pink walls, purple polka dots, purple curtains, stuffed dogs of any size or color, and butterflies. Isn't it nice that her room is so thoughtfully set up so as to discourage demon activity? We even gave her one of our little gargoyles to guard her room. He sits in her window, just triple-dog-daring any demons to get in there.

Ryan went through a similar thing with pirates at her age. Pirate Spray and room decor did the trick. I know this phase will pass for her . . . eventually.

Ryan's fears are more sophisticated still. He's always been a cautious sort, a worrier, and he's always had a hard time with separations. It was weeks before he'd walk into chess class confidently and without a pep talk/limit setting by me.

Now he's really beginning to get caught up in Real Life Fears. He freaked out at the fact I send in our homeschool paperwork once a month. Why do I need to do this? What do they need to know this stuff for? Why do they make silly laws? What will happen if I don't send in the papers? How can we get them to change that law? Can we do that NOW?

Don't get him started on Obama or taxes. He hears us talking, and hears our opinions about such things. We no longer have satellite television, and only rarely listen to news on the radio. Which is good, because we'd certainly have to give those things up now. As it is, Brendan and I need to be more guarded about how we talk about political issues.

I think it's fine for us to give him information and tell him our opinion about them. But we need to try to be more matter-of-fact in how we talk about politics and I think we need to try to do it less frequently. He just doesn't have the full context or maturity to understand what we're talking about, yet he's bright enough and imaginative enough to be able to draw amazingly accurate conclusions. Which he then worries about. And yet, I don't want to censor myself completely, or shelter him completely, but there's a fine line here that I'm still trying to locate.

And last week, our car got broken into. :o( What happened was that some person(s) went down our street early in the morning, testing car doors. Many of our neighbors had stuff swiped out of their cars. I had forgotten to lock the van door the night before, due to a late-night grocery store run, and our GPS was stolen. Brendan's car was locked, which was a good thing, since his computer was in it!

This event could not have happened at a worse time for Ryan developmentally. I was irritated about the loss of our GPS, but other than the fact that it had all of our addresses programmed into it, I'm not terribly upset. And we're really more careful about locking our doors, of course. But the fact is, it's just a thing. Things are replaceable, or do-without-able. It is also upsetting to think that someone was in our van, touching our things, especially because we live in a safe neighborhood in a safe suburb. I suspect that it was probably just stupid teenagers. (Brendan is not so sure.)

Ryan is very worried though. I've been letting him lock the cars at night, again, to give him some measure of control over the situation. We often have him help lock up the house at night, too. But Bad Guys have always been an issue with him, and this incident certainly didn't help.

By the way, don't ever ever EVER cross this kid. He is actively calling for EXECUTION as the ideal way to deal with the thugs who took our GPS system. Reminds me of that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where they visited a crime-free planet. It was crime-free because the penalty for any crime was instant death. Poor Wesley Crusher stepped on some plants and that was bad news. This is pretty much Ryan's dream legal system.

The other issue with his fears--and this is very much a Ryan Thing--is that he needs to TALK about them. He worries aloud and fears aloud and dreams up retribution aloud and questions aloud and makes plans and strategies and tactics. Aloud. Until you've gone completely insane.

I talk back (it's very much a Jenn Thing) and usually try to turn the focus around to Things Within Our Control. I often just let him vent, but he tends to get stuck in Worry Cycles (wow is he ever MY child!), and works himself up into tears with his worries. I know that as I've figured out how to better manage my own tendency to worry and imagine the worst-case scenario for any given problem (no matter how small), I personally feel better when I remember to focus on the things in my control. So that's my tactic--but I'm looking for more ideas!!!!!

We've altered how we do things around here because of his lengthy, vicious Worry Cycles. We used to have to prepare Ryan waaaaaaay in advance for any changes--leaving to go somewhere, a class, a babysitter, even a visitor. He needed time to prepare himself, to imagine what might happen, to ask questions and get answers, and to talk and talk and talk and talk about it as he processed the anticipated change.

Now, because of this new phase he's in, we do the complete opposite. We now give him very little time to adjust to a change. Babysitter coming tonight? Tell him 5 minutes before she shows, or maybe when she knocks at the door. If he asks, we answer him honestly, but we don't dwell on the subject. Going to the park, let's go NOW! Leaving the park--time to GO! Chess class coming up? Don't mention it until we're loading up into the car to go to class. Taekwondo sparring night? Time to get dressed and GO!

This has been a difficult change to make because I'm so used to providing him with a lot of lead time. But when I remember to do it, it's made our transitions much easier on all of us. In fact, I just asked him about this, and he agrees that he'd rather know about things right when they're about to happen instead of having lots of time to think about it. When asked why, he said "Because I'm good at guessing things. But sometimes I guess things that make me worry." Yup. And that's pretty good self-awareness for a 7.5 year old, isn't it?

I know that eventually, his brain will mature and he will be better able to handle his fears. I think the best thing to do is help him find strategies for coping with his fears and to try to reassure him that he is safe and that we will keep him safe.

More ideas?

By the way, for a great discussion on a related topic--death--check out the OGrownups list! Diana shared what she wrote on that thread here. You don't have to be an Objectivist to lurk on the group (although you do if you'd like to post). I've enjoyed the discussions on this list--very thought-provoking!

More About Babies and Siblings

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

This is a quick follow up to my parenting post from the other day, Positive Discipline from Day One. I have another technique about helping older siblings and babies get along that I didn't think to include in that post, called Putting Words in Baby's Mouth.

Many times when the older kids have a screaming match conflict with each other, it's partly because they can't understand each other's body language and other context clues about what the other might be feeling.

They have a pretty decent grasp of the English language (understatement of the year), so when they're having a problem with each other, we help them remember to express their feelings with words instead of actions. So when Ryan and Morgan are fighting over a toy, we help them identify and state the problem first, and then assist with the negotiation process, if necessary. I wrote another post about the fine art of negotiations a couple months ago.

Now of course, Sean is not able to articulate his thoughts and feelings just yet. And the older kids are used to verbal exchanges. So what I do is become Sean's mouthpiece and interpreter, because a lot of times, the older kids just don't understand what Sean is doing.

So I'll say things like:

• Sean is mad! He wanted to hold that toy!

• Sean is mad! He wanted to play with the cat food!

• Sean is crying because you took that toy and he's saying "I want a turn!"

• When you hear him yell like that, he's saying "Stop! I don't want you to sit on me!" (Seriously, I have said this. A lot.)

• He's mad because you scooped him up and he wants to move his body independently.

• It looks to me like Sean would like to play with you, that's why he's standing by your table. Is there something he can hold so he feels like he's helping you?

• I know it hurt when Sean pulled your hair. I'm so sorry. He wasn't trying to hurt you--we'll teach him that pulling hair hurts a lot! He's a baby; he doesn't know.

• I can tell that Sean might be feeling sorry because he sees you crying and now he's crying, too. He knows something is wrong.

• See how Sean is smiling and rocking back and forth? He loves to watch you dance and sing! He's saying, "Do that again, Big Sister!"

• I can tell Sean really likes it when you sing that song--he's clapping his hands and laughing.

• When you bring him his drink, he is feeling that you're taking good care of him. He really likes that.
  

I say things like this so often that it's become automatic for me--and of course I've really been doing it since Morgan showed up. To a certain degree, I still do a little bit of interpreting with the older kids--Morgan is still not consistent with saying, "Stop! I don't want you to do that!" to Ryan. So, after reminding Morgan to say words, I'll tell Ryan, "When she's squirming and making that screaming noise, that's your clue to climb off of her and ask her 'Is something wrong?' " (Seriously.)

Another idea we've been showing Morgan is to use non-verbal cues, such as holding up her hand in a "HALT!" position, which is easier for her to do, since it seems like she has trouble coming up with words in stressful situations. I think this will help her quite a bit (thanks, Kelly, for the suggestion). And Ryan has been told to respect the Halt Hand as he would a verbal "Stop!"

The main advantages to being the interpreter for the baby (or even an older child who is having a hard time verbally communicating) are that it helps the older siblings understand why the baby is acting the way he is, and also that he is a person who has valid feelings. If they understand the reasons behind the baby's actions or reactions, they can learn to Assume Positive Intent with him, and they can figure out how to help him or get my help. If they understand that he is an actual person, then they will begin to respect his boundaries and rights.

Do the Right Thing

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Ryan's best little buddy from next door was here all day yesterday. His grandfather died and we offered to keep him so my friends could take care of what they needed to without kids around. So we had him for a looooong time yesterday.

Ryan and A had a great time, not even a minor fight, which is good for them. They tend to bicker like siblings, having known each other literally since the day A was born (when we took Ryan, all of 5.5 months old, to the hospital with us that day). So yesterday, they played in the backyard for a while, then spent a goodly amount of time on LEGO projects. In the afternoon, they wanted to play out in the front, which is a Big Deal in Kid-dom around here. I told them they could, since both are trustworthy enough not to play in traffic.

After a while, Ryan came running into the house and said, "I think A has done something that he might need to go to court for."

Court? Errr? What happened?

Turns out, Ryan and A were having a rousing game of Let's Throw Big Rocks, when an enthusiastic but unfortunately wild effort by A resulted in a busted windshield. Of another neighbor's car. A new car. A brand new car.

Whoops.

I reassured Ryan that I didn't think anybody was going to need to go to court over this (I hope). But we needed to go tell the owners of the car what happened, apologize, and tell them that we would pay for the repairs.

Ryan didn't need convincing, but his friend did. He was hiding and tearful and thought he was going to be in Big Trouble. And the poor thing is under a little stress right now, too. I felt for him, but I made him come with us. He was soooooo reluctant--saying that it was an accident, he didn't mean to, etc. But I told him that it was still our responsibility to tell what happened and fix it if we could.

So we talked about what we should say to our neighbor, practiced it a bit, and then went across the street to Mr. Neighbor's house.

Ryan just stepped right on up and rang the doorbell. I explained what happened and offered my apologies and told him we'd pay to get the windshield fixed. Our neighbor had a look on his face that made me think he was remembering his own boyhood, and thankfully didn't fuss at the boys or me. He has lived across the street from A's house for 10 years, and even though we're not close, I think he knows that we're all nice people. :o)

I asked the boys if they had anything to say to Mr. Neighbor and Ryan looked him right in the eye and said "We're sorry we broke the window and we'll pay you back."

I can't even express how proud I was of him in that moment. He was so . . . unafraid. And truly sorry. And not just because he's going to use his own money to help get the windshield fixed.

When we talked about it later last night, right before bed, I told him how proud I was that he did the right thing. And he told me, "At first, after it happened, I thought the right thing to do was to run and hide. So that's what I did. And A ran and hid with me. But then I thought, 'No, the right thing to do is tell someone what happened.' So I came and told you. And I'm glad, because I want to do the Right Thing." Music to my ears.

I really am sorry that Mr. Neighbor's windshield got broken, but I am so glad in a way that Ryan had this experience. I think I handled it well and Mr. Neighbor was cool--irritated, sure, but you never know if someone's going to have a temper about such things. This incident--and the feeling he got from doing the Right Thing--will be something Ryan remembers for a long time.

Needless to say, they'll be playing in the backyard (where it's easier for me to watch them) for a while. And . . . court? Where in the world does he pick these things up?