In Which I Am In Favor of Child Labor (or, On Routines, Empowering Your Kids, and Cleaning Tabata)

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Sunday's Family Conference involved a lengthy problem-solving routine chart creation, and I'm going to tell you all about it!

If you weren't aware of this already, it's time for me to share with you a certain disability I have: I am a terrible housekeeper. I do not get a thrill from sweeping or picking up toys or doing the dishes. These are activities that do not warm my heart as such. The bad part of my disability is that I also enjoy such things as pathways free of teeny tiny LEGO pieces, crumb-free (and yogurt-free) couches, and clothing that doesn't stink.

So based on my desire for X level of cleanliness, I must do Y amount of housework. The result, Z, is the set of very, VERY low housekeeping standards which I have carefully cultivated over the years and strive mightily to maintain.

Now, when the babies showed up, I was of course clueless about how that would change the equation. By the time I was pregnant with Morgan, we'd broken down (in my head, this was a failure of some kind) and hired a bi-weekly cleaning service to do the floors and bathrooms and other heavy housekeeping lifting. I LOVE them. It's nice that, for a few hours every other week, my house is CLEAN.

However, time, and budgets, change everything. Brendan and I have been revamping our financial picture (with success, yay!) since the spring, and it's finally time to let go of the cleaning service. It will save us a tidy sum, and honestly, their level of service has gone down somewhat, unfortunately. Then it occurred to me that I have all of these children handy, and they A.) are responsible for much of the mess, B.) need to learn these life skills, in my personal opinion, and C.) are young, spry, and have tiny little arms that will allow them to reach those hard-to-clean places much better than I ever could.

They already do a lot of work around here, and so do I. When I broke out what the cleaning service does for us, it's not really that much more to add to our family workload. Plus, the savings!

Still, I was reluctant to cancel the cleaning service before we had a Plan in place to tackle these extra chores--ideally, a Plan that had been created and agreed upon by all of us (well, except for Sean). Part of the reason for this is obvious, I hope--simply so that we'd have some plan to make sure the work still got done. But the real reason I needed a Plan-with-a-Capital-P is because my children have inherited the housework disability from both of us, and they are, to say the least, unwilling participants in the cleaning processes we already have going. My husband's disability borders on clinical, I'm sorry to say, as he neither notices stinking piles of refuse strewn about the house, nor does he care. (Sorry, honey, but you know that's true.)

And as it happens, this Family Conference habit we've developed (six months strong!) is a fantastic format for hammering out answers to eternal questions such as How in the World are We Going to Keep the House Fit for Human Habitation without Nagging each other into Insanity?

Ryan was the President of Sunday's Family Conference, and I'd told him that I wanted us to work on some group problem-solving. When I got out my flip chart and Only Mommy Markers (as they are known around these parts), the excitement was palpable.

Because I am me, I had a list I'd prepared with tasks and a tentative schedule, not to present this as a phony "let's pretend to get buy-in to something Mom has already decided about anyway" solution, but so that I had at the ready a complete list of tasks to be done--and to show them what we did as a family anyway.

First, we talked about things we already do on a typical day (Morgan had already begun decorating the lists, as she loves to do at the end of the meeting):

See? We ALREADY do all that stuff. It was reassuring to me that they called all that stuff out from memory, as if they'd actually internalized these tasks and might be on their way to building a habit!

Then we listed out things that we do weekly or every other week:

And we put a check mark next to the jobs that the Cleaning Peopleguys do (basically they do floors and bathrooms). The other stuff? We already do, though we don't always keep to a strict schedule about it necessarily.

Then I thought it might be good to list things that need doing less often, like monthly:

Because of my allergies, we really need to be better about checking the air filters. And of course, it just makes good sense to test the smoke alarms every once in a while.

So now we had a basic list, which we'll tweak over time I'm sure, of tasks that we all agreed needed doing. Everyone seemed to think that adding in the work that we are paying the Cleaning Peopleguys to do will be feasible. Brendan agreed to vacuum. Ryan expressed concern about the grossness of cleaning toilets (though he enjoys plunging them, so I can't quite see why cleaning them would be more disgusting than plunging). We agreed that we do our weekly work all together as a family on Saturday mornings. Maybe put in some fun music to make the time go by faster.

So we were done, right? Not so fast! I then expressed my most deepest concern that when it came time to actually work together on a Saturday morning, people would be reluctant. I told them that I think I will feel angry if I don't get cooperation on Saturday mornings, and that they will probably hate it if I have to remind and remind and nag them to do their work. Since our work needs to get done, and we are all agreed on that point, it seems like fighting about it will not be fun and will not make the work get done faster. So what can we think of to do about that problem?

Morgan suggested that if someone doesn't want to help, then they just go take a break. Nice try, sweetie. :o) Ryan suggested something a little more Draconian, though I can't recall just what it was. But everyone seemed to agree that Blitz Cleaning, or Cleaning Tabata, seemed like a fun way to get the work done.

If you aren't familiar with the term tabata, it's used in high-intensity exercise. The basic idea is that you exercise really hard for a short amount of time, rest for a short amount of time, lather, rinse, repeat.

We have used the Cleaning Tabata technique and it is really fun and motivating (so far) for everyone. Morgan doesn't (yet) have the stamina for three full rounds, Ryan and I do (and I'm sure Brendan does, too, he just wasn't here the last time we did this). So here is our tabata schedule:

Now, unlike exercise tabata, our rest intervals get longer, as you may have noticed. That's for my benefit as much as the children's. I hate housework tasks SO much that I really need to rest for longer and longer periods of time in order to get the energy for the next ten minute round.

The older kids and I cleaned this way on Saturday afternoon (a trial run before the Family Conference) and I was simply AMAZED at what we accomplished in 30 minutes of cleaning (that took a little over an hour of our total time). Each time I set the timer and made a big production: "Get Ready, Set, GO!" and Ryan would start screaming and running in circles, flailing his arms. I'd remind him to use that energy to clean, and he did. One thing you might not know about this kid is that when he puts his mind to it, he is a HARD worker. Morgan needed a little more direction, as she tends to wander off and start reading a book, but she worked pretty hard, too, for the first two rounds. About halfway through the third round I had to start giving her specific tasks to carry out, and pretend to chase her (playfully) to get her moving.

After each round of cleaning, we all walked around and appreciated what we'd accomplished. And during the rest periods, we played on the computer or read or book or tended to Sean's needs. That's another cool thing about tabata cleaning--I can stop and do Seanie things like find his game on the computer for him without feeling like I haven't accomplished a task. I'm pretty task-oriented and I hate being interrupted when I'm in the middle of a process. Because we'd scheduled these "interruptions" I was able to be fully present for Sean and not feel grumpy about reading him a book (yes, I do that sometimes, boo).

At the end of every problem-solving session we all agree to try the new plan for a week and check back. This plan will need to be monitored over a longer period of time than a week, but we'll talk about it at our Family Conferences over the next month or so and work on tweaking it a bit. Do we need to vacuum upstairs every week or every other week? Stuff like that. And because I anticipate the enthusiasm for our new plan and our tabata technique wearing thin after a while, we will probably have to do some negotiation/problem-solving about how to keep people working and other ideas for keeping ourselves motivated.

Tomorrow is the last day for the Cleaning Peopleguys (I didn't want to cancel this week on them at the last minute, plus I think it will be easier for us to get off to a good start if the place is semi-clean to begin with). I kind of hate to break the news to them, because the owner of the company is super nice and has been really good to us over the years. I do intend to hire them on an occasional basis for deep cleaning.

But I am SO excited, and I think it would be nice to do a little something for the whole family with some of the money we save!

This post has also been brought to you by the Positive Discipline Tool Cards Routines and Empower Your Kids.

PD Tool Card: Routines

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

In our most recent Family Conference, we used the problem-solving portion to create a Routine Chart for bedtime. The experience of creating and using it has been somewhat straightforward and predictable--and has also yielded some surprising (to me) information about one of my children.

Most parents are familiar with the need for routines and many of us use them outside of parenting, too. As someone who loves to know what to expect (I'm a "J" on the MBTI test, if you're into that sort of thing), I tend to enjoy routines: creating them, using them, wearing them like old fuzzy slippers. Love. 'Em.

Other people I happen to live with (coughcoughBrendancoughcough) tend not to love the formalized routines so much. But I submit that even those crazy wonderful people use and benefit from routines--they just might not know it, or care about it as much, or not get all excited to see a routine delineated on a big white chart with colorful markers.

By the way, I distinguish routine from schedule. A schedule is an activity (that could be part of a routine) that needs to occur within a fairly tight time frame. Routines are more general, and somewhat more flexible. Before I was beaten down by learned how to relax a bit let go of my perfectionism had three kids, I was a big believer in schedules-with-a-capital-S. Now I'm a lot more fun and chill, and a whole standard deviation's (or two) worth less obsessive, I leave the scheduling to people who run movie theaters. I prefer routine over schedule, especially when it comes to children (because nothing will make you learn how to not worry about what time something happens like having children, especially more than one!).

And it so happens that there is a Positive Discipline Tool Card for Routines!

The card says: "Help children create routine charts to encourage responsibility." And lists the steps to making an effective routine chart.

The first step is the most important one if you want that "encourage responsibility" portion of the program (and I'm supposing that you do): "Create routine charts WITH your child." I will speak from experience as a parent, and remembering from childhood, that nothing gets a person less interested in a chart than one that's presented to him as a done-deal. Even now, if you gave me a list of things to do--even if I knew it was my responsibility to handle those tasks (such as for the AOS or work around the house)--I'd be irritated and resentful of your bossing me around. And guess what? So are my kids!

We also created a Bedtime Chart, but this process can be used for many different types of routines. Our bedtime process was all over the place--literally and figuratively. It's still my responsibility to get Sean down to sleep, and his routine is necessarily different from the older kids. Even where the routines overlapped--they all three need teeth-brushing, for example--there was no consistency in remembering (on my part or Brendan's) and no easy way to figure out who had done what. Basically it's been too chaotic and unorganized for the likes of me. (I suspect everyone else wasn't as bothered by it as I was.)

So what we did at our Family Conference is worked together, all of us (except Sean who keeps milking that "I'm a Toddler" excuse for all it's worth). I actually got out a large easel pad, similar to the type I use in parenting workshops with Kelly, and my fancy-schmancy Mommy Markers (fascinating to the children as I selfishly reserve them for my own projects and do not lend them to others). I explained the process, and we all brainstormed the things that needed to get done before bed.

This is what they came up with (in no particular order):

• Brush Teeth
• Put on pajamas
• Read a story
• Big Hug and Kiss from Mom and Dad
• Tuck In

We were missing what (in my opinion) is a very important step, so I suggested Use the potty. Oh yeah! Good one, Mom! And hence, one of my ulterior motives for this routine chart was addressed.

Next came my other two motives: Wash face and hands (because holy smokes, that needs to be done on occasion), and Pick up clothes and toys from bedroom floor. THIS was the Big One, as I'd spent much of the previous day arguing and negotiating helping Ryan declutter and organize his room. Now I have loudly and often proclaimed my low housekeeping stands, and I stand by them (or over them, rather--they're that low). But his room had devolved into such a ridiculous state that I couldn't stand it one more second. I knew that one way to help prevent future problems would be to have him pick up his toys and clothes at least once a day, and I suggested this as part of the bedtime routine.

Once we'd all agreed that yes indeed, these were things that could be done and should be done and would be done, I rewrote everything nice and neat, and then Morgan and Sean colored and decorated it (Ryan didn't want to help). We agreed to try it for a week and then talk about how it goes at the next Family Conference. We also agreed on a general time frame for the routine to begin--not a set-in-stone schedule, but a general thereabouts. Our household is probably much more flexible on this point than most. I'd venture to say that if the kids were in school, or were starting school soon (as in next week), then our routine might need to begin on schedule, to make sure everyone got enough sleep.

So we tried it. As expected, Ryan resisted and tested whether or not we were serious about this. One night he protested and fought for so long there was no time for a story (and no patience either). But after that, it hasn't been such a problem. We kept referring him back to the chart (see Step 4: Let the routine chart be the boss.) We also didn't hesitate to remind him that he'd agreed to use it (another great reason to get the child's involvement in the procedure). He understands the fundamental nature of contractual obligations, and though angry, did not deny the justice of our position.

But the surprise has been Morgan. Each night, she goes upstairs (we stuck the chart on the wall outside the bathroom), reads each step carefully, follows the directions, runs back, reads the next step, etc. This is surprising to me because it's such a Jenn-like thing to do. :o) She is so much like Brendan, that sometimes I forget she came from me, too! This child seems to take an especial satisfaction in knowing what's expected, having it written out in a clear way, and it seems as if she gets a sense of completion and pride from having finished all of the steps. The first night she was so excited that she began the routine about 15 minutes early!

This is wonderful because she is taking that responsibility I wanted her to, being independent, and she is experiencing pride in her accomplishment. Which, incidentally, is connected to Step 5 above: Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards. Pride in accomplishment is an end in itself. If she were focused on winning a reward (a sticker or extra 5 minutes of story time), it could easily distract her focus from an independent first-handed feeling of pride.

This is also wonderful because I have struggled and struggled with figuring out how to help her follow processes with multiple steps. Those who know her in person are familiar with the fact that you can't give her more than two instructions verbally if you want half a chance that she'll follow the instructions. Sometimes I wouldn't place a bet on whether she'd follow an instruction with ONE step! Could it be that all we have to do is write the steps down together? Does she just not hear things? Is she primarily visual (that's me)? Does making this into a fun project with Mommy's taboo markers simply get her full undivided attention? I'm not exactly sure which factor it might be (or all of them?). Doesn't matter--we'll definitely be trying this again!

Have you ever used Routine Charts with your kids (or spouse, ha ha!)? How did they work for you? Any enlightening moments, such as my Morgan Revelation?

A routine chart--a handy way for everyone in the household to understand and agree on responsibilities, and a wonderful way to reinforce a few of the virtues, too. :o)