Podcast #11: Money

At long last, we are happy to present our 11th podcast! We are grateful for the feedback we received from our listeners about the technical issues with the last podcast. Hopefully this one sounds a little better–Brendan turned the sound way up, so we’re hoping that will solve at least some of the problem. We didn’t test it on an iPod (because we’re currently on vacation!), but I think we’ll start this testing as part of our production process.

If you have feedback about the podcast–technical or content or otherwise!–please drop us a line at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

Our line up this time is:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): Dealing with the jealous feelings of her child when she (Kelly) pays attention to other children
• Topic: Money (begins 8:00)
• Q & A: How did your relationships with other adults change after the arrival of children? (begins 29:34)

You can get the podcast here, on iTunes, or just below!

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Thanks for listening! We’d love your comments and feedback and questions!

Podcast #7: Siblings

This episode is our most FUN podcast to date (in my–Jenn’s–humble). This time we have:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): A reminder to give gentle feedback to children
• Topic: Siblings (begins 4:26)
• Q & A: Negotiating with a child–what to do if the child doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain (begins 21:07)

Here’s a link to the book we mentioned at the end of the section on Siblings–SO highly recommended:



I think that Podcast #7 is where we started to get our stride. It’s fun, and enjoyable, and I hope you like it, too!
In other exciting podcasting news: You can now find us on iTunes! We feel like real-live grownup podcasters now! (Thanks so much to Diana and Andrew M. for your assistance with this process!) I will add this podcast shortly, as soon as I can figure out how, but the first six episodes are up. We’d really appreciate you taking the time to visit us on iTunes and rating our podcast.
As always, thanks for listening, and please continue to send us comments, questions, and feedback to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

Here's the episode, and you can visit our podcast site directly by clicking here.

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Podcast #3: Why Non-Punitive Discipline?

And this process is becoming slightly easier! Hooray! A million thanks to Brendan for his work. We had a few technical wrinkles to smooth over (hopefully the final wrinkles), so this week’s podcast is a little simpler in production.

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): A child models correct behavior for another child, FTW!

• Topic: Why Non-Punitive Discipline/The Ambassador Analogy (begins 3:42)

• Q&A: Celebrating Holidays as non-religious parents (begins 12:55)

We hope you enjoy! See you next week!

Note: You can play it here, or you can go to our Podbean site and download it directly to your iPod or other player. Turning these into iTunes files is on our list of Things To Do, but it'll still probably be a while before we get to that step.

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Take the Words Right Out of My Mouth: "I guess you disagree."

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

I've decided to start a series of posts where I talk about some words I use in lots of parenting situations. If I have some phrases stored up, often I will use them instead of the poor parenting that plays in my head sometimes. So, I hope these phrases will be helpful to you in the same way.

The phrase of the day is: "I guess you disagree."

You'd think this was a throw away phrase, one you'd use in some touchy- feely corporate meeting about how to get along with your team. You'd think any two reasonable persons would know when they clearly disagree. Here is where children often completely miss that reasonable thing.

An example:

I hear an altercation in Jenn's playroom (where our two daughters are playing together), so I go to investigate. The two are clearly getting more and more worked up.

Me: Is there a problem in here?
Morgan: (mournfully) She says ponytails hurt!!!
Livy: (yelling in agony) They do hurt!!! She says they don't!!!!
Me: I guess you two disagree.

There is a pause while they look at each other, deciding if I am making any sense. Then the tension dissipates, and they tell me (slightly more politely than this, but not much) to get lost.

I think this situation happened because little children take their opinions and feelings and the things they know about the world so seriously. This is a good thing; they know what they know and won't be swayed. What they do not know is that people can disagree and still be friends. A parent pointing out that they disagree in a nonchalant way shows them that disagreement is not a disaster. They learn that their own ideas do not have to change because someone else thinks differently. They learn that other people have minds of their own and that others have the right to their own ideas and opinions. Sometimes it is hard for me not to just tell them what I think, but the fact is, they didn't ask, and if they care what I think, they'll let me know. My goal is not to teach them the truth about ponytails or whatever other thing they are arguing about. My goal is to teach them to discuss things with each other civilly and to be first-handed in their acquisition of knowledge.

A Little Bit about My Day

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

In case you're wondering what I do all day long, here's a summary of a conversation I had with Morgan and Ryan a little earlier. It lasted a good 25 or so minutes. I think I handled this pretty well (PD-style), so I thought I'd share.

I was upstairs changing out laundry (I know, go me!). I was working as quickly as I could since I had the baby with me and he thinks it's super fun to hang out right by the edge of the top of the stairs. I could hear the sounds of a disagreement downstairs that began to escalate into "Moooommmm, Ryan's . . . " and "Mooooommmm, but she's . . . "

The first thing I did was step away from the laundry room and talk to both of them (they were on the stairs at this point). "You guys are having a problem, I can hear that. But I can't help you work on solving it right now because I'm trying to get the laundry started. Why don't you work on it yourselves for another minute or two and then if you still need help I'll be downstairs very soon and we can talk about it."

They kept fighting and trying to get me more involved in their problem--whining, tattling, arguing. I repeated myself a couple of times, but nobody was hearing me. So I said a loud "STOP!" That sure got their attention. Then I said "I'll be down in a moment. I know you're having a problem and it sounds like you need my help. I want to help you, but I also need to finish this first. I WILL be back downstairs in a minute. I WANT to help you and I WILL. Can you please wait?"

They couldn't stop. So I closed the washer lid (only about 2/3 full, but hey--it's something!), scooped up the baby, and we all headed downstairs.

Both kids started shouting at once. They were both VERY upset with each other. I started to talk, but again, it wasn't until I said "STOP! I need you both to listen to me now!" in a loud-ish (but not yelling) voice that I was really able to get their attention.

"I want to hear what you each have to say about this problem."

Ryan immediately jumped in and started complaining, and Morgan was dissolving into tears.

"Stop talking please!" I said to Ryan. "You will each get a chance to say what you need to, but Ryan, you need to be quiet just now. Morgan. Tell me what happened."

Morgan tearily said, "I was trying to go over into the corner [near the table R was using to play his computer game] and Ryan tried to hit me!" Ryan started to contradict this, but I reminded him that he'd get his chance to tell me in a moment, that it was Morgan's turn.

I asked M, "Did you get hit? Are you hurt?"

M: "No, he didn't hit me, he hit AT me!"

Me: "You didn't like that."

M, still kind of crying, "No. I wanted to go into the corner!"

Me: "What did you say to Ryan when he hit at you?"

M: "Nothing. He's not supposed to do that!"

Me: "Were you worried that you might really get hit?"

M: "Yes!!!" [breaks down into tears again]

Me: "Okay, what would you like to tell Ryan about being hit at?"

M: "I don't know."

Me: "How about 'Ryan, I don't like it when you hit at me.' or 'Stop!' or 'That makes me think I'm going to get hurt!' "

M: "Okay."

Me: "Would you like to tell him one of those things right now?"

M: "No, I want you to do it." [Sometimes she needs my help with saying the words.]

Me: "Okay, well, I think he heard us talk about this and I think he understands that you don't want him to do that any more, okay? Right, Ryan?"

They both agreed to their respective questions.

So then I turned to Ryan and asked him to tell me what happened. There's no way I can possibly capture all of the words he uses to detail any narrative of interest to him, so I'll just try to capture the essence. Those of you who know him in real life can imagine how much longer this actually took!

Ryan: "She's trying to get into that corner and I don't want her there!"

Me: "You don't want her there. Got it. So tell me about this hitting-at-her thing."

R: "Well, I didn't hit her! She's telling a lie!"

Me: "I heard what she said. She didn't say you hit her. She said you hit AT her. Tell me what happened."

R: "Well, I didn't want her over here so I [gestures with a TKD swinging motion]."

Me: "Hm. I can see why Morgan might be scared that she'd get hurt. I wouldn't want you doing that chop so close to me either."

[Interlude while he corrected me ad nauseam about why what he did was not a chop but rather a knife-hand or some such. Hmph.]

I broke into his word stream with: "I don't want to know about TKD right now. It doesn't matter what kind of hitting in the air you did near her. What matters is that your actions made her worry she'd get hurt. That's a threat [he understands that word] and that's not kind and it's not a way to solve a problem."

Ryan: "But! But! But! I don't want her in the corner!!!!"

Me: "Well, what's a better way to tell her that?"

R: "Um, 'Morgan, don't go in the corner?' "

Me: "That would be a way to tell her. What would you do next time if she didn't respond to that the way you want her to? What would you do then?"

R: "Um, ask you for help?"

Me: "Yes! Will you start hitting at her, making her worry she might get hit?"

R: "No."

Me: "Okay, good. I'm very glad to know that you will not be hitting at her any more."

Now, at this point in the conversation, Ryan clearly thought we were finished. But we weren't. All we had discussed up to that point was Morgan's problem with the way Ryan was treating her (a very valid problem!). But the original issue--who was going to be in the corner of the room--still remained unsolved. So we forged on...

Me: "Okay, so now that we all agree not to threaten to hit someone when you have a disagreement, let's work on a solution to the other problem. It sounds to me like the problem is: Morgan wants to play in that corner and Ryan doesn't want her to be over there. Am I right?"

They both nodded their heads.

Me: "So Ryan, tell me about this problem."

R: "Well, I'm planning to do a battle plan over there after my computer game is done and I need all of that room to do my work! So she doesn't get to be over there!" [pointing and glaring with self-righteous indignation!]

Me: "Morgan, now you tell me about this problem."

M: "I want to play over there!"

Me: "Alrighty then. Let me get this straight. Ryan, you want that space for your battle plan [Note: I have no idea what that actually means.] and Morgan you also want to play there, right?"

Nods.

Me: "Ryan, I'm confused because it looks to me like you're playing your computer game."

Ryan: "Well, I AM, but I'm planning to work in the corner after my game is over, which is very soon!"

Me: "But you're not working there now. Why can't she work in that corner while you are doing your computer game?"

Ryan: "Because I don't want her to!"

Me: "Okay, I understand that you don't want her there, but I need you to understand that the areas in our family room are for anyone to share. If you had a project already set up over there, you could ask her--or me, or whoever wanted to go there--not to knock it down. That would be fair. But I don't see a project there right now. You're not using that space, so I'm not sure if it's fair to prevent someone else from using it."

Ryan began to get frantic: "But I'm GOING to use it! I need to do my battle plan in that! corner!"

Me: "It sounds like you want a turn using that corner."

R: "No, I don't want a turn! I just want to be the ONLY person to work in that corner!" [Reminds me of that line from They Might Be Giant's Ana Ng: "I don't want the world. I just want your half." Heh.]

Me: "Do you remember that you do have a space in this house, that's just for you to use whenever you want, only for your projects? It's your room."

R: "But! But! But!" [I know I'm getting close when he starts with the buts.]

Me: "The family room and the downstairs areas are for anyone to use, as long as they are not disrupting someone else's work. Since you're not using that area right now, I think it would be fair for Morgan to use it. If you want, I'll help you and Morgan work out a plan for who is going to use that corner."

He argued a little longer (it's his way) but I just calmly repeated my points two times (my personal repetition limit).

Me: "Morgan, do you still want a turn with the corner?"

M: "Yes I do."

Me: "Morgan, do you understand what Ryan and I were talking about? Because we were talking a long time and using lots of words, so I want to make sure you understand." [She has a much lower (normal?) tolerance for conversations all filled up with words and nuance and repetition than Ryan and I do. At this point, she was sagging down on the couch looking extremely bored and mentally in her Happy Place. :o)]

M: "I understand."

Me: "Okay, tell me what your understanding is."

M: "We all get to be in the family room and get to have a turn in the corner."

Me: "Awesome. Sounds like you know our family rules. So would you like a turn now? Would you like help figuring out a plan for who is going to use the corner?"

M: "Ryan, I want to use the corner and when you're done with your game, then you can have a turn! How does that sound?"

R, after some hesitation, said: "Um, okay. But I'm going to be done with my game in 10 minutes. So can I use the corner in 10 minutes?"

M: "Okay!"

R: "Sounds like a plan. And you know what else? We could . . . " and then launched into a 5 minute exposition about the game they could play together in the corner! Which they are playing right now!

***

If this sounds exhausting and time-consuming, then you'd be right. But let's be honest: most of parenting is exhausting and time-consuming, isn't it? ;)

In many ways, the non-punitive, non-parent-as-authoritarian style of parenting is easier on the parent. Because especially now that they are older, I can place the burden of their problem-solving where it belongs--on them. However, in order to get to the place where they are solving their problems together (the last minute of our conversation), walking them through the process takes a lo-o-o-o-o-ng time.

This process is totally worth my time, however. Because going through this exercise, which happens daily (although this was an example of an especially lengthy issue), supports so many of my values, which I want my kids to know about, and gives them good practice using skills that they will be able to use throughout their lives.

I could easily have managed this issue with a few stern directives:

"Don't threaten your sister! Don't tattle on your brother! Morgan gets a turn playing in the corner!"

And we might have arrived at similar results--a child who knows that threatening to hit is not acceptable, a child who knows that whining and tattling makes mom frustrated, a correct judgment as to who ought to use the corner at that moment in time.

However, we put in some time and used rational discourse that focused on problems and solutions, and I think we are all the richer for it. In addition to a review of family rules about threatening and the usage of common areas, Morgan and Ryan:

• Practiced hearing and/or saying words they can use in the future;
• Got a review of the family rules--and a review of why we have them, hopefully gaining a better understanding;
• Had a chance to formulate what they saw as the problem(s);
• Listened to the other child's formulation of the problem(s);
• Learned they could depend on me to assist them in solving their problem(s), but not to have their problem(s) solved for them;
• Practiced expressing their feelings about the problem(s) in an appropriate way;
• Negotiated (finally!) a mutual solution to their problem!

They got to practice the virtues: specifically rationality, honesty, independence, rational self-interest, justice, and the Trader Principle. Had I done my parenting job in Judge-Jury-Executioner style, they would have been robbed of such a valuable opportunity to practice these skills.

Sometimes--okay, often--I really do get impatient and frustrated with this process, especially if I'm trying to do something else more important to me at the same time. But I am trying to keep in mind that THIS is my primary job and that when I take time away from doing something else to help the kids with these sorts of issues, I'm not taking time out in the unproductive sense--I'm being productive. This is me, being productive. :o)

How could I improve for next time? I probably could have paused my laundry activity sooner--but since I didn't think anyone was injured (at least physically), I chose to complete it before embarking on our exercise. What I ought to have done--and will do--is make sure that everyone knows that if someone is getting hurt (or even threatened) then they ought to bring that to my attention right away. And I will ask next time there's an escalating problem--"Is anyone hurt?"

Another thing I need to somehow work on is using fewer words. It's hard because Ryan and I are both such wordy people (didja notice?). Morgan is less loquacious and lacks the stamina for these negotiations. So what happens is I'll handle her part, then deal with Ryan who enjoys engaging in a prolonged siege of my limits (the better to ascertain where they are and whether I think they are important). I try to follow her lead in terms of whether she is at her limit and release her from the continuing debate discussion when I notice she's tired of it and when there's nothing else for her to really contribute. But--ideas?

So anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into a typical altercation on a typical day. And now I've got to go handle another problem (Sean's getting into Morgan's LEGO project)! Bye!


On a Related Note (in other words, similar posts by me!):

Kids Handling Conflict

On Siblings

Tantrums and Whining and Tattling, Oh My!

More About Babies and Siblings

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

This is a quick follow up to my parenting post from the other day, Positive Discipline from Day One. I have another technique about helping older siblings and babies get along that I didn't think to include in that post, called Putting Words in Baby's Mouth.

Many times when the older kids have a screaming match conflict with each other, it's partly because they can't understand each other's body language and other context clues about what the other might be feeling.

They have a pretty decent grasp of the English language (understatement of the year), so when they're having a problem with each other, we help them remember to express their feelings with words instead of actions. So when Ryan and Morgan are fighting over a toy, we help them identify and state the problem first, and then assist with the negotiation process, if necessary. I wrote another post about the fine art of negotiations a couple months ago.

Now of course, Sean is not able to articulate his thoughts and feelings just yet. And the older kids are used to verbal exchanges. So what I do is become Sean's mouthpiece and interpreter, because a lot of times, the older kids just don't understand what Sean is doing.

So I'll say things like:

• Sean is mad! He wanted to hold that toy!

• Sean is mad! He wanted to play with the cat food!

• Sean is crying because you took that toy and he's saying "I want a turn!"

• When you hear him yell like that, he's saying "Stop! I don't want you to sit on me!" (Seriously, I have said this. A lot.)

• He's mad because you scooped him up and he wants to move his body independently.

• It looks to me like Sean would like to play with you, that's why he's standing by your table. Is there something he can hold so he feels like he's helping you?

• I know it hurt when Sean pulled your hair. I'm so sorry. He wasn't trying to hurt you--we'll teach him that pulling hair hurts a lot! He's a baby; he doesn't know.

• I can tell that Sean might be feeling sorry because he sees you crying and now he's crying, too. He knows something is wrong.

• See how Sean is smiling and rocking back and forth? He loves to watch you dance and sing! He's saying, "Do that again, Big Sister!"

• I can tell Sean really likes it when you sing that song--he's clapping his hands and laughing.

• When you bring him his drink, he is feeling that you're taking good care of him. He really likes that.
  

I say things like this so often that it's become automatic for me--and of course I've really been doing it since Morgan showed up. To a certain degree, I still do a little bit of interpreting with the older kids--Morgan is still not consistent with saying, "Stop! I don't want you to do that!" to Ryan. So, after reminding Morgan to say words, I'll tell Ryan, "When she's squirming and making that screaming noise, that's your clue to climb off of her and ask her 'Is something wrong?' " (Seriously.)

Another idea we've been showing Morgan is to use non-verbal cues, such as holding up her hand in a "HALT!" position, which is easier for her to do, since it seems like she has trouble coming up with words in stressful situations. I think this will help her quite a bit (thanks, Kelly, for the suggestion). And Ryan has been told to respect the Halt Hand as he would a verbal "Stop!"

The main advantages to being the interpreter for the baby (or even an older child who is having a hard time verbally communicating) are that it helps the older siblings understand why the baby is acting the way he is, and also that he is a person who has valid feelings. If they understand the reasons behind the baby's actions or reactions, they can learn to Assume Positive Intent with him, and they can figure out how to help him or get my help. If they understand that he is an actual person, then they will begin to respect his boundaries and rights.

Positive Discipline From Day One

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

In my previous parenting posts, I use Ryan and Morgan as my examples, since they've been around a while now and I have lots of great stories and parenting experiences with them.

But this time, I thought I'd talk about the baby for a while, partly because he's super cute and squeezable, but also because we do use PD with him, too! (This post brought to you by the Electrical Cord Chewing Button Pushing Peopleguy--Sean.)

A brand new baby doesn't really need guidance from his parents, but he does need responsiveness. When his parents take care of his basic needs in a prompt way, the baby learns to trust those big people and begins to gain a sense that those big people seem to value him a lot. The primary focus of those early days is (besides sleep) building a connection with the baby. This is also known as "attachment parenting" and for more information about this, go to the website of Dr. Sears, who has coauthored (with his wife) many books on the subject.

But after those first couple of sleepless months pass by, the baby becomes more aware of things and interactive. Not coincidentally, you, the parent, begin to emerge from the new baby fog--just a bit!--and become more aware and interactive. :o)

But the baby isn't really conceptual--the baby can't really misbehave--so what is the purpose of discipline at this stage?


Good for Mom and Dad

Babyhood is the perfect time for parents to begin sharpening some of the parenting tools in their toolbox. Of course, if you have more than a minute or two between all of the new baby tasks like changing diapers and feeding and various cleaning activities, now is a great time to read some books about Positive Discipline.

But it's also a great time to practice. Practice saying the things you're going to be repeating thousands of times in the not-too-distant future. Practice which words you're going to say and practice how you're going to say them.

So when you find baby somewhere he's not supposed to be (who expected him to roll over so quickly?), such as in front of the the cat food or a trapped in a particularly electrical-cord-ridden corner of the room, you can say "Oops! Electrical cords are not for eating. Come with me!" as you remove him.

Now the baby will not understand a word. That's okay. He may not even have noticed that you moved him from the cords. To him, the experience is: I was lying somewhere, then that nice lady who smells yummy scooped me up and made some noises, and now I'm somewhere else. (That's if he could even articulate the experience, which, you know, he can't.)

Of course you'd remove him from situations you deem to be potentially dangerous. And the baby may or may not notice or care. But why not use the time to try out what you're going to say when he's a little bit older? Because before you know it, he will begin to understand.

Practice words and phrases:

• That's not for touching.
• You want to hold something; here's a bear.
• Pulling hair is ouchy! Let me help you do a gentle pat.

Practice distraction:

• Look! Up in the sky! It's a ceiling fan!
• You want to touch that. Let's go in the kitchen now.
• Let's go see what Daddy's doing.

Practice tone-of-voice (which of course I can't really describe in writing, but I really do practice different ways of saying things, so that I am firm but kind in the real situation):

• Ouch! That hurts!
• Cords aren't for pulling.
• That's not for eating.
• I know you don't want a diaper change. I'll help you hold still and it will be over quickly.

Good for Baby

Obviously, Baby won't really get what you're saying and doing until he is older--in my completely non-scientific experience, around 6 months or so. And even then, he won't understand the words--but he will pick up on your tone of voice. And once he gets some sense of Object Permanence--the idea that things don't disappear just because you can't see them--he will definitely begin to understand what you're doing (removing the object or him) and even start to be upset by it.

But if you're already in the habit of saying the right things in the way you want to say them, then the first time the baby whips your glasses off of your face and nearly drops them in the toilet, you will have some words at your disposal that you can use despite your surprise and dismay. That saves the baby from a shocking sense of "Who is this freaking yelling person who has replaced my Mommy?" if you can somehow put him gently on the floor and say "My glasses are not for touching!" instead of "Nnooooo! Blllaaarrrgg!" (Please. Learn from my mistakes. :o) )

The baby will also begin to pick up on the fact that you mean what you say and will reinforce it in a kind and gentle manner. Kids like consistency and need Mom and Dad to provide that for them. It's unsettling not to be able to predict things--babies and kids are comforted by routines and consistency.


Good for Older Siblings

If you have older kids, there's an immediate benefit to practicing PD with the new baby. The Big Kids get to see that you will help the baby follow the house rules: "Ryan wants to play by himself right now; let's go play over here." or "Ouch! Pulling hair hurts and Morgan doesn't like that! I'll help you stop."

Besides the sense of justice that comes from being able to see that you will be fair and not always default in favor of the baby (which is hard not to do!), the Big Kids will begin to view the baby as a real member of the family, an actual person with legitimate wants and desires. And, you are modeling words and action for them to use with the baby. Ryan helps Sean give the cat "gentle pats" (kind of!) and Morgan will say comforting things to him when he's sad like "You're sad Mommy moved away, but see? She's right over there in the kitchen!"


Strategies for Baby "Misbehaviors"

A baby is becoming self-directed--especially once he can sit up on his own and move around some (rolling, crawling, etc.). He's going to do things you don't want him to--not because he's trying to irritate you or hurt himself. He doesn't even have a sense of that yet. He is merely curious about the world and is trying to learn about it, touching everything and probably tasting everything, too.

This is a good time to practice the PD idea: Assume Positive Intent. If you practice this now, it will be easier to do when the child is older and really does do something on purpose to annoy you. (See 4 and 7 year old Casey Kids for examples).

Nobody would think that a crawling baby is trying to disconnect your computer and wireless router on purpose. He sees flashing lights and neat-o buttons and he wants to know what they are, which means touching and/or tasting. If you're Sean, that also means picking up a stick and beating things to see what they do. Maybe a scream or a gurgle will do something. What if I stick it in my eye?

By the way--I LOVE the stage that Sean is in right now. He is so curious and adventurous--a little Scientist Explorer Peopleguy. Even though I've been interrupted 5 times in the writing of just this paragraph by that curiosity, I just love it.

So, what can you do when he is ripping cords out of the wall and attempting to strangle himself with them?

• Physically remove baby from the No-No.

• Say "Not for touching." or "No." or "Stop." in a gentle voice. (I don't say something every time.)

• Rearrange some furniture--take valuables upstairs, or block off the zone. The makeshift barricade I have near my computer desk is NOT holding anymore, so we'll have to move on to a different idea.

• Distract, distract, distract. Give him another toy, move him to another area, make a funny face. The main advantage you have as a parent at this stage is the fact that Baby is so interested in EVERYTHING that his attention is (relatively) easily focused on something different. Also, babies in general are not known for their excellent memories.

• Give the baby an appropriate substitute. If he wants to chew something, remove the cat food or Daddy's iPhone and give him a teething ring or soft toy instead. Pulling up grass is a better outlet for when you get the urge to rip something up by its roots (as opposed to hair). Etc.
  

• Be prepared to do this a million times until he finds another dangerous thing to obsess over or until he leaves home for college. (In the words of Dave Barry, I am not making this up.)

I do not recommend:

• Shouting or yelling at baby. It will scare him and he'll get the same idea--"Mom won't let me over in this corner."--through your action of physically removing him.

• Hitting baby--smacking his hands, etc. Again, he'll get scared and focus on the hurt--why hurt or scare him when he gets what he needs--redirection--without physical or mental pain?

Babyproofing

I'm not sure if this really a PD idea, but it's certainly a value I hold--give the baby as much freedom as absolutely possible. Create a safe zone in which he can play and explore--and make that zone big.

Having older kids has resulted in some logistical challenges along these lines. As parents know, the older the kid, the more pieces their toys, and the smaller the pieces. It's a Danger Trifecta: lots of small pieces are not only a hassle to clean up and keep track of, it's also a Major Choking Hazard!

We've worked around some of these issues by creating Big Kid Zones, where one can play with LEGO in relative freedom. Our playroom also has doors, which has been helpful, although Sean has reached an age where it's no longer feasible to keep him out of there. I've also enlisted the help of the older kids: they can identify Sean-safe toys, and will sound a red alert (literally) if they see him with anything in his mouth. Given all of the birthdays recently celebrated around here, hearing Ryan or Morgan shout "Floor cake!" is common. Sean does love some leftover floor cake. (And I'm confident at this point that he is not allergic to eggs, dairy, or wheat. Although it was definitely NOT my preference for us to have figured it out in that particular manner.)

And even though we let him have as much freedom as we can, we still make judicious use of baby gates (to keep him out of the kitchen and from being underfoot while I'm cooking, for example) and outlet covers. But it's funny--Sean is surviving and thriving in a much more dangerous environment than Ryan did at the same age! Ah, the joys and perils of being a Third! Even so--we still redirect him and guide him all the time. But for both of our sakes, I try to minimize it.

What are some other ideas for guiding young babies and toddlers? I'm sure there are things I've forgotten about toddlerhood, which will re-surprise me in just a few more months here. Ideas?

One of Those Mornings

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Ryan and I are having some disagreements this morning.

His point: "Why should YOU get to tell me what to do?" (A common theme of late.)

My point: "You are not speaking kindly to Morgan, or sharing the pieces of this toy as we agreed, and messed up her project. Now you are speaking so loudly that Sean will wake up. Morgan gets to share that toy and Sean needs to sleep and I'm reminding you that the others in this house deserve space and sleep."

I think that was a good way to explain it, don't you? And I remained calm, and you know what? He saw my point. Grumpily, begrudgingly, he has conceded my point and is behaving a bit nicer toward all of us and leaving Morgan alone and has quieted down.

I'm writing this post as a reminder to my future self and also as a way to stay calm.

One of the hardest things for me about having more than one child is balance. Being stuck with a nursing baby who is falling asleep, I'm in no position to do "Get Off Your Butt Parenting." Which is very necessary. Kids need to know that what you are asking is important enough that you are willing to stop what you are doing to go over and make sure it happens.

GOYBP means that you don't just say "Stop hitting!" twenty times from across the room. You stand up and walk over and help someone stop hitting. Or start sharing. Or talk about a plan for watching movies. Or help leave the room when they're being too loud.

Sleeping babes are not very conducive to GOYBP. So I'm left with my words--which are effective much of the time. Or I have to choose to let something go. Or sometimes, Sean has to take one for the team when he gets awakened by the ensuing commotion of my handling an issue.

And it's not just sleeping babies (although that's a common thing around here these days). It's a kid who needs comforting because she fell, but someone else is about to do something more harmful and needs to be stopped (teetering on a barstool in front of the freezer, for an example). Or a couple of kids fighting over a toy, but someone else needs help in the bathroom. Or a baby screaming because he doesn't want to be sitting alone on the floor, but there's another child screaming in frustration that her computer game isn't working.

You know, stuff like that. I feel like Keanu Reeves in Speed: Everyone is melting at once, someone needs wiping, the baby just blew out a diaper, the milk has spilled and you yourself really need to pee. What do you do? What do you DO? :o)

It often seems that I have to choose one child's needs over another's, even when they are both legitimate needs. It's hard, because if I've just been through an onslaught of having to make such choices, I feel drained and stressed that I couldn't be everything to everyone at the same time. I know that that's okay--and really, we're all just fine--that dealing with the fact that sometimes you need to wait for Mom and/or solve the problem on your own is a fine thing to learn. But, oh, in the moment--it's hard for all of us!

Thanks for listening. Like I said--this post is mostly for me, for the future. And to help me keep calm and focus on handling things they way I'd prefer to, which I did. And to remind me that this, too, shall pass. :o)

And all is harmonious once again here at the Casey Castle!

Another Thought About Siblings and Fairness

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Oh my goodness--I have so many things I'd love to write about and so little time in which to do so that I have a strange little queue of unwritten blog posts in my brain (and in Blogger, too). So, here's one.

After I wrote the post about siblings yesterday, I thought of a better example of the "Equal and fair are not the same thing" principle.

One of the more challenging sibling-differences we face concerns Ryan's peanut allergy. I'm sure you all know this, but it never hurts to say it again--Ryan has a life-threatening allergy to peanuts. Morgan does not.

Now, we don't keep peanuts or peanut-containing products in the house. I don't see this changing any time soon, as we still have Sean to think about, and we have committed to Ryan that our house--HIS house--will be as safe for him as we can possibly make it. While they are all so young, this means a zero-tolerance policy about peanuts. I can imagine that we may reevaluate this policy one day, but not until they are all much older.

Making our house a peanut-free zone definitely falls under the idea of "Equal and fair are not the same thing."

I certainly have a lot of sympathy with parents of kids without food allergies, who are nonetheless affected by food allergies--can't bring cupcakes to school, etc.

Why? Because Morgan is one of those kids and she is REALLY affected, because she doesn't even have the option of eating a yummy nutritious peanut-laden snack at home. We have to create circumstances where it's okay for her to eat something with peanuts in it. She's going to a birthday party this weekend where she'll get to eat absolutely anything she likes. (Ryan won't be there--it'll be weird for me not to have to check a label or ask the manager about peanuts!)

It's not fair to Morgan, no. (It's REALLY not fair to Ryan, having the allergy to begin with.) And the fact that one child can eat something the other can't isn't equal either. But each child has an right to safety in our home. Ryan's safety depends on our home being peanut-free, so we must all accept the unfairness of not getting to eat PB&Js.

Conversely, when we go out in public, Morgan will get to eat things that Ryan doesn't. (We haven't actually faced this yet.) Even if Ryan were attending this birthday party, I would still allow Morgan to eat whatever she liked. Not fair to Ryan, but Morgan should be able to eat what she likes of food that's safe for her when we are outside the home. As long as reasonable precautions were taken to protect Ryan--and we would certainly take them--then it would be Ryan dealing with unfairness. Again.

This unfairness is something he is somewhat used to by now--but he's never been faced with this from a sibling before. I think that the first time we are all together at an event where Morgan (and possibly Sean) is eating something he can't will be very difficult for Ryan. It's hard enough for him to accept that his friends don't have this peanut restriction--but I suspect that it will be harder for him to face that his sister doesn't either.

I don't know exactly how it will play out--it could go better than I'm imagining. When we deal with this in real life, I'll be sure to let you know.

On Siblings

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

A week or so ago, I was watching my friend Kelly's 5 year old daughter for a few hours while Kelly went to work. We had another friend and his toddler son over as well--five kids in all! What a crowd!

Livy is like a member of the family--and I treat her as I do my own kids, and she does the same things when she's over here that my kids do. In many ways, she's just another Casey Kid, which is how I think of her. My kids seem to think of her as closer to a cousin or a sibling rather than just a playmate, if how often and the way in which they bicker is any indication. :o)

On this fateful afternoon, I had to disappoint Miss Livy--which I really hate to do since I like her so much--because she wanted a popsicle. We only had 2 popsicles, and 4 kids of popsicle-eating age in the house. Because Ryan and Morgan are prone to battles over the last popsicle (battles in which nobody wins and I want to poke my eye out), Ryan and Morgan understand by now one of our House Rules: "If there aren't enough popsicles to go around, then we need to wait until Mom buys more at the store."

The popsicle-to-child ratio not being favorable, I had to deny Livy's request and she was amazed. But, but . . . her mom lets her have popsicles whenever she wants! I explained that I didn't mind IF she had a popsicle, but that there weren't enough to go around and someone might be sad if they didn't get one. But, but . . . she didn't mind sharing! Which was so kind--Livy rarely minds sharing--it's one of her best qualities. However, I knew that Morgan--and especially Ryan (let's just say that sharing is not something he enjoys)--and possibly our other guest--would mind.

Honestly, if I could have found a way to give her a popsicle surreptitiously, I would have, because I like her a lot and want her to enjoy being here. But Ryan and Morgan have bionic hearing when it comes to the sound of popsicle wrappers. So I explained as best I could, tried to offer alternatives (which she didn't want), and tried not to feel bad for her as she stomped away from me sullenly.

It was at that moment that I realized how different life with siblings really can be. Livy is an only child. At her house, all of the popsicles belong to her--the adults she lives with probably don't mind letting her have the last one, or at least, will rarely engage in a screaming fight over it. :o)

I've heard it suggested that a parent isn't really a parent if she only has one kid. Of course, I don't think that's true at all--raising one child is a challenging endeavor, and certainly doesn't disqualify you from the Parenting Olympics. But raising more than one child--or being a part of a sibling pack--has certain challenges that just aren't present in an only child situation--no matter how often that Only Child has playdates or goes to school or hangs out with the neighbor kids.

Livy gets to go home and be away from her foster siblings, Ryan and Morgan. For Ryan and Morgan and Sean, there is no escape. (Dunh-dunh-DUNNHH!) I know this feeling well, as I was forced privileged to live with my sister and brother for lots and lots of years. My kids get this to an even greater degree than Brendan or I did because nobody is in school. Having siblings versus not--it's not better or worse; it's just different.

As a parent, it's difficult sometimes to balance the needs and desires of each child, but here are some of the things we try to do or keep in mind.


Treat each child as an individual.

This is the main principle, from which all of the others follow. (Let's pause this post for a Monty Python moment here: "You are all individuals!" "I'm not!" Thank you. Now, let's resume.)


Equal and fair are not the same thing.

This is akin to the idea that each American being entitled to equal protection under the law, not equal income or status or number of cars. (Well, that's how it should work, anyway.) An example of this would be: Ryan gets a whole vitamin and Morgan gets half of one. They each get vitamins--that's fair. But since Ryan is larger, he needs a whole vitamin and Morgan's body doesn't need as much.


Provide space for each child.

This doesn't mean that each kid needs to have his own room necessarily, but I think it's helpful to have some individual space--a room, a chair, a cozy spot--where a kid can say "I need to be by myself right now." And then help the other kids move away from the kid who wants space.

My kids do have separate rooms to sleep in, but they usually prefer to be downstairs during the day. (I actually wouldn't mind at all if they all wanted to bunk together--I have a friend whose kids choose to do this). So they can go up to their rooms if they like. Personalized things can be a nice way to designate personal space. The big kids have chairs with their names on them where they often go when they want some downtime. (Sean gets his on his first birthday.) They each have baskets with their names on them--where they can keep their special things, and the other must ask to borrow something from someone else's basket.


Don't force them to like each other.

I've heard the refrain "But I just want them to be friends!" on occasion from other parents. Yes, I would love my kids to be friends, especially when they're adults, but it's unreasonable to expect that they will always get along every second of the day. Over the course of a typical day, the older kids play together about half the time and play apart about half the time, with some of the "together time" spent in a dispute of some sort.

I remember being told, "You really love your sister." or "You should love your sister." It's hard to conjure up feelings of love towards someone who has just wronged you in some way (real or imagined). So of course I felt guilty about not feeling that way. And it's hard for younger kids to understand that you can feel two things at once toward somebody, that you can be mad at someone and still love them. (Which is why it's scary to them when Mom is angry about something--hmmm....epiphany moment!)

What I try to do is point out when I notice them having fun together, or say something like "You two really seem like you're having fun together." I don't do this too much--lest they become suspicious! I also don't force them to play together if they don't want to. If Morgan wants to play and Ryan doesn't, then I'll say something like "I know you're disappointed that Ryan doesn't want to play. Maybe he will later--what would you like to do in the meantime?"


Appeal to their rational self-interest.

When I'm trying to get some cooperation from someone, especially when it concerns a sibling, I try to phrase my request in terms of the child's rational self-interest. For example: "If your shouting wakes up Sean, then it will be harder for us to play our game together, since I'll probably have to hold him." The child who has a selfish incentive to tone down the shouting will be more likely to cooperate than if I had simply said "Your shouting will wake up the baby."

Even when they don't really like it and/or understand, I also point out ways in which we all support each other--in terms of rational self-interest. My kids do activities--and they also wait around at each other's activities. When Ryan balks about taking Morgan to ballet, I point out that she waits for him at taekwondo (and vice versa). Since he wants to continue with taekwondo, a gentle reminder that Morgan waits around for him while he's there will usually mollify him.


Be sympathetic with the trials of having siblings.

Ryan spent the first three years of Morgan's life asking me to return her to the hospital or to find her another family to live with. I am not exaggerating!

Having a sibling can be hard. Nobody asked them if they wanted another child in the family (or two!). It's a situation that is thrust upon them and siblings encroach on your space and projects and pull your hair and always seem to be sitting on your mom's lap. That's HARD. Unlike playmates, you really don't get much of a break from your siblings, what with them living in your house and breathing on your stuff and all.

Of course, there are lots of great things about siblings, too. But I think it's okay to say to a kid "I understand how you're feeling. It's hard having to share mommy with the new baby. It's okay to be upset by that." (And then focus on teaching them how to express that emotion appropriately, for example.)


Teach negotiation skills.

One thing I remember about my childhood is shouting "Mo-o-mmmm!" when my brother or sister did something I didn't like, and I expected my mom to handle our problems. Which she did. And I know she was doing her best to help us.

But the end-result of all of that Mom-interference is that we didn't really learn good ways to resolve our own problems with each other. We looked to Mom to determine the Winner(s) and the Loser(s) and often directed anger at her when she decided against us.

This whole negotiation process is an entire post (or many posts) in itself, so I'll have to delve into specifics another time.


Make special time for each child.

I make a real effort to do something with or for each child every day. Obviously, I'm with the baby a whole bunch these days, so this mostly pertains to the older kids. But I take time to read to Morgan, watch her play her puzzle or computer game, help her spell. With Ryan, I listen to his battle descriptions, watch him review his taekwondo moves, or play a game of chess. I also try to express my regret if the baby causes me to interrupt our activities--although there's a fine line between my saying "I'm sorry we have to pause our game now." and "That baby is always making us stop our game!"


Make kindness an expectation.

You might wish your sister lived somewhere else, but to loudly demand her eviction when she is standing three feet away is not kind. Ryan is able to say to me now "Mom, I'm feeling mad and want to tell you something about Morgan in private." And then we'll go somewhere else and he can express himself and Morgan doesn't get her feelings hurt.

You don't have to play with or even like everyone every second; but you do need to treat them with a modicum of kindness and respect. This goes for everyone who visits, too--friends and family and guests.


Get them involved in caring for a new baby (if they want).

Kids like to help with the new babies, but Ryan was definitely less interested in helping me when Morgan was the baby than Morgan is with Sean. Still, they both love to be involved in Sean's care, and will knock each other down in competition to get him a diaper or get his attention. Ironic, huh?

It helps to point out when the baby is noticing each of them--"Sean sure likes to watch you jump!" Also, if one of the older kids needs me, I'll make a point of saying to Sean "Morgan needs my help right now. Why don't you play with this toy while you wait for me?" I know Sean can't really understand my words--but the other child does, and knows that I won't always default in favor of the baby. (This is easier now that Sean is a bit older.)


There are many more ideas and techniques, of course. And this whole topic--as with each of these parenting topics--could be expanded upon a great deal. And I'm interested in how others handle these issues, too, so please comment!

A valuable reference for ways to handle siblings is Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (They also wrote How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.)

Really, Ryan and Morgan are developing quite a camaraderie these days--lest you think it's all conflict around here--it's not. They spent the majority of the time I've taken in writing this post running around and giggling, taking turns making the baby giggle, or off doing their own things. There were a couple of minor things I needed to remind them about(mostly in the realm of phrasing one's words in a kind way), but they didn't need me too much. They resolved many of their own problems without my help (yay). A very typical morning for us.

For myself, I have to work hard to remember that Livy might need me to explain how we do things. (This goes for our other guests, those with and without siblings, too.) I had mistakenly thought that she understood our popsicle principle implicitly, as my kids do, since they have the benefit of lots of practice. I could have done a better job of explaining my reasons.

And even though I treat Livy as I do my kids, I need to keep in mind that she is not used to having to negotiate things in quite the same way. Well, maybe in the same way, since her parents use the same methods we do, but she doesn't have quite the same stake in the game or have to do it nearly as often!

And I will do my best to make sure we have enough popsicles the next time she comes over to play!

Personalities

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Poor Brendan has Jury Duty this week and is quite grumpy about being forced to give up his time and go down to the courthouse and sit. Yesterday he just sat, didn't even get called into a voir dire (that's the term for the process of interviewing potential jurors, isn't i? I'm too lazy to look it up). On the bright side, he gets $25 a day for his trouble.

When I asked him why he didn't email me yesterday--there's wireless access in the juror room at least--he responded that he just didn't think of it. I suggested jokingly that he didn't want any contact with the outside world to remind him of what he was missing. Turns out that's not a joke! That was the reason!

It's funny to me because I'd much rather vent and vent and rant and complain about it. If I was in the jury room today, I'd be emailing everyone in the whole world, Facebooking (which has lately taken a strange hold upon me anyway), blogging, researching, etc. Nope--not for Brendan. He wants to just hibernate somewhere deep inside himself until his ordeal is over for good. Talking about it at length doesn't relieve his stress--it adds to it. I'm just the opposite. I guess it's a good thing that he likes to hear me rant about stuff. :o)

After he left this morning, I got to thinking about how Ryan and Morgan are. Ryan is just like me. Morgan is just like Brendan. Both have been pretty much the same since birth--I think they come out with personalities, or certain tendencies that develop into aspects of their personalities. Don't know what to call it--psychology is not one of my things.

Ryan is ME. Hyper-aware and observant, a tendency toward worry and worst-case-scenarios and perfectionism, easily overwhelmed, takes himself very seriously (so don't joke about him--he hates it), and so absolutely certain of the soundness and logic of his every opinion the he becomes super-irritated when everyone doesn't just agree with him right off. Has lots of leadership/management qualities and tends to dream up amazing adventures for he and his friends to act out. Super big imagination. (Brendan--did I get us right?) Many of these qualities have upsides and downsides, of course. I think before I had kids I would have been hard-pressed to identify too many downsides to my perfect personality, but there's nothing like having a little mirror of yourself to help you see how just a teensy few of your personality quirks might possibly get on the nerves of others!

Morgan is Brendan. Not only does she look just like him, her personality is the same, too. Amazing ability to focus on a task to the exclusion of all else. And I mean ALL. Sharp sense of humor with a big dose of "teasing" in it. Happy-go-lucky for the most part (we often joke that Brendan, like Jerry Seinfeld, is Even Steven) but when she decides to be stubborn, she can out-stubborn Ryan any old day. She's also slow as Christmas and often has little sense of urgency about tasks, especially timed ones, which may develop into Brendan's Time Disability when she gets older. Her musical abilities are more like Brendan's. I'm very naturally musical, but in a technical reading-music kind of way. Brendan is more musical than I am even and can just listen to a song once and play it immediately on the guitar (but doesn't read music). Morgan's more like Brendan.

When Ryan gets angry or overwhelmed, he needs to talk and talk and talk about it in order to feel better. One of the things I learned from the book The Highly Sensitive Child is that it's often helpful to the child to allow him to vent completely in order to be able to let the anger go and focus on solutions. So the best thing you can say is "Tell me more." I need the same thing. If I don't feel like I've had my complete say, then I think about it all day long and imagine all of the things I wished I had said and am still residually angry hours later. But if I vent and rant and get it all out, then I can just let the anger go (assuming a solution to the problem has been reached, of course) and move on with my life. My poor kids though--they don't want to hear Mommy rant and rave ad nauseum, so I have to learn how to get it out without dragging innocent people along with me. (Hence one of the functions of this blog--at least you innocent people are here of your own free will and can leave if you like!)

Now that Morgan is 3.5, some more of Brendan's personality traits are showing up. When Morgan gets upset, she runs and hides and needs to, well, hibernate until she's all better. Any attempt to get her to talk before she's ready makes her lose her mind. She'll talk about it, but only AFTER she's done being angry or sad. Just like how Brendan doesn't want to talk about Jury Duty until it's over.

I think it's very interesting!

We still don't know about Sean yet (jury's still out, ba-dum-bum!). The personality qualities are there, but it's often easier to pinpoint only in retrospect. So far, he's pretty chill, except when he's mad, he's MAD MAD MAD and there doesn't seem to be a fussy, pre-fit, gonna have a freak-out warning period like the others had. He goes from smiling to screaming in about 3 seconds. So that'll be different. The MAD doesn't just disappear either--while he's calming down, he has to fuss and tell you all about it--more like Ryan and me. He'll actually nurse and fuss at me at the same time if I'm too slow (in his opinion) to feed him, just to make sure I know that he's not happy with me. Very funny. And he's the most social of all of my babies--very conversational in a baby kind of fashion, and openly engaging others with batted-eyelash-y smiles. A real charmer. Just don't make him mad. :o)

We were discussing kids this weekend with some friends who are contemplating the prospect. I certainly don't think that having children is some kind of necessary experience that everyone should do. But I'm a different person since I had my kids--and better, I think. Because having a child forces you to clear up your inconsistencies and irrational notions in a hurry, since you need answer difficult questions and are a model for all kinds of behavior that they will repeat right back at you. And when you are faced with your own personality in all its glory on a daily basis, it forces you to introspect and think about and maybe change some habits or behaviors that might not be all that attractive, desirable, or (gulp) rational (I'm only guessing here, since of course I'm perfect and NEVER get on anyone's nerves!). I'm not sure I would have figured some of these things out as quickly if not for the kids. Again--not saying it's the only way to go if you want to make improvements on one's own psyche, but it sure works dramatically!

That's all for now. Brendan, I'd love to hear what you think, but I understand if you don't want to answer from the juror room, I really do!