Podcast #20: Talking about Parenting Ideas with Your Kids

We are happy to bring you yet another exciting episode of Cultivating the Virtues! This episode is a whole lot funnier than the others somehow. . . we laugh a lot. Yay!


Situation of the Week (Kelly): "Storming off in a museum because of a pottery disagreement" If you want that to make sense, you have to listen!


Topic: Talking about your parenting ideas and principles with your kids (begins 7:05)

Link: Parenting Principles at Rational Jenn


Q & A: When (if ever) should you intervene with other people's kids in public situations? (begins 24:24)

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As always, send us feedback and comments, we'd love to hear them! And send us questions, too.

Positive Discipline Toolbox: Applying Decide What You Will Do to Parenting

(posted originally at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Yesterday, I wrote about how I applied the Decide What You Will Do tool to communication with other adults. Today, I would like to give some examples for how this tool is also useful with children.

As a quick review for those who didn't read the other post (though I can't imagine why they aren't following my blog as their most beloved task), Decide What You Will Do means realizing that you can't control the behavior of others and accepting the responsibility for your own behavior. It means sticking to the things you know are right, even when they don't cause others to immediate fall into line with all your plans. It is intimately connected with selfishness because deciding what you will do means looking at your own values and morals, deciding for yourself what will lead to your happiness, and doing that thing no matter what.

So how can this tool be used in parenting? The most important part, I think, is to recognize that you can't make children do a lot of things. You can't make them sleep, you can't make them eat, you can't make them learn, you can't make them stop crying, you can't make them pee or poop on cue. You can encourage them to do these things. You can make them so afraid of you that they will do these things just to avoid the consequences. But, if their little brains are completely set against the thing, you can't push a remote control button and make it happen.

Once a parent acknowledges that he doesn't have control over his children, he can focus on his own behavior and on creating an environment where children will learn to focus on theirs. Here are some ways I can imagine a parent using the Decide What You Will Do tool:

• An infant is waking up in the night really often. Mom has tried everything; Dad has tried everything; Baby will not sleep more than 2 hours. Mom is feeling excessively angry about baby's demands. Mom can decide that she will get up with baby, but if she gets too angry, she will wake Dad to take over instead of yelling. (I wish I had done this one.)
  

• 8 month old baby refuses to take a bottle and will only take a few sips of breastmilk from a cup from Dad. Mom wants to go to chorus practice alone for 2 hours. Mom decides that she will go and sing, and the baby will have to take what's in the cup or wait 2 hours. (This is one I had to do. Note: I would have made a different decision if the baby was very young. Deciding what you will do must be used with the context of parent and child in mind.)

• A toddler has a tantrum in the grocery store. Dad cannot make the kid stop screaming, but he can decide that every time this happens they will leave the store immediately. (Who hasn't done this one?)
  

• A toddler with a new sibling has a potty regression. Mom might decide to clean the mess up without saying a word and giving the child extra time alone with Mom at others times during the day.

• A five year old interrupts conversations and knows that if he needs attention, he can tap Dad's shoulder and wait for him to finish his thought. Dad might decide that he will ignore all inappropriate ways of getting his attention and only respond when tapped. He might decide to give reminders about the shoulder tap at other times before the child has interrupted.

• While problem solving about going to the pool with an eight year old, the child storms away, and she refuses to talk about the problem. The parent might decide that he has expressed himself in the best way he can, that he can't make the child communicate, and that they will just not go back to the pool and encounter the problem again until it has been solved. (Very similar to the situation in my post yesterday about conflict with an adult.)
  

• A teenager gets a couple of speeding tickets, and his parents decide that they are not comfortable with loaning him the car.

None of these examples is a rule. Parents will decide different things based on their values and the situations they are in. The commonality is that the parents recognize that they cannot control their child's behavior directly and can only control their own. They make decisions about what they are going to do, and they stick to it.

Sometimes the sticking to it can be kind of hard. When Livy was a volatile toddler (dude, you have no idea!), she had tantrums in public places pretty often. I decided that I wouldn't let her disrupt everyone, so every time she cried or screamed loudly, we went home. It was hard to leave a store I really wanted to go to or to leave a restaurant. But I did it.

The follow-through is important for two reasons. Children (and adults) learn whether or not to believe what you say about yourself by watching to see if you actually do it. And even more important, if you decide to do something and know it is right, not to follow through shows a lack of integrity. Doing what we know is right is not only good for our kids, but it is good for us, as all virtuous behavior is.

Positive Discipline Tool Card: Special Time

(originally published on Reepicheep's Coracle)

First of all, let me say that the name of this card, Special Time, kind of makes me want to barf. I don't know why; perhaps one of my X chromosomes is damaged in some way. But I wish it was called "Do something cool together" or "Spend time with the people you love" or even the dreaded "Quality time." But when I can get past the name, I really love this card.

(You can find these cards here, and there's even an IPhone app. The cards are reminders of how many great tools are in our kits that we sometimes forget to use.)

The card says, "Schedule special time that is different from regular time. 1. Take the phone off the hook. 2. Take turns choosing an activity you both enjoy from a list you have brainstormed together. 3. Age guidelines: 2-6 years old - 10 min/day, 7-12 years old - at least 30 min/week, 13 and older - once a month something your teen can't resist."

I love this card because Livy and I are very different. We like to do different things a lot of the time, and though we spend A LOT of time together (ask any homeschooler just how much), it's not always doing something together (not just next to each other) that both of us just love. When we do this, I notice that we talk more, we argue less, and much less discipline is required because it's so easy to be respectful of each other.

I feel like the times might be kind of small, but if I worked away from Livy and if I had lots of kids, maybe I would see that differently.

So what does this have to do with discipline, you may ask? I touched on this above; when we are all filled up with loving each other, we get along better. We have fewer arguments to problem solve about, and we are more willing to help each other with chores and problems.

Focused time for us to be together prevents either of us from feeling left out or overlooked. A lot of poor behavior can spring from the desire to get noticed, to get some attention; check out my post on the Mistaken Goal chart. And not just Livy's behavior either. When I feel left out of her life and like we are growing apart, I get snarky and bossy. This card helps me too! As all positive discipline tools do!

Finally, this card improves discipline because so much of positive discipline has to do with joint problem solving and effective communication. Much of what we do boils down to:

I feel ______ because ________, and I wish ______, followed by trying to find mutually agreeable solutions. Why on earth should either of us listen to the other or care about the other's feelings if we aren't feeling close? I don't stop and use effective communication on random loiterers in the street. If I want this kind of problem solving to work, we have to be highly invested in each other's happiness and moral development.

So what do we do for this special time? Livy loves to fall asleep in my bed at night, and that's a great special time for us. We get all cuddled up, and she just drifts off as we watch a movie or as Aaron and I chat. We go to Whitewater together and do waterslides. We play games, like Yahtzee or Skip-bo. We listen to audiobooks together. And I make sure to let Livy know that these times are really important to me; time spent with her is essential to my happiness, and I want her to know it.

A picture of Livy falling asleep on me, one of the activities both of us love that makes us feel super connected.

PD Tool Card: Routines

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

In our most recent Family Conference, we used the problem-solving portion to create a Routine Chart for bedtime. The experience of creating and using it has been somewhat straightforward and predictable--and has also yielded some surprising (to me) information about one of my children.

Most parents are familiar with the need for routines and many of us use them outside of parenting, too. As someone who loves to know what to expect (I'm a "J" on the MBTI test, if you're into that sort of thing), I tend to enjoy routines: creating them, using them, wearing them like old fuzzy slippers. Love. 'Em.

Other people I happen to live with (coughcoughBrendancoughcough) tend not to love the formalized routines so much. But I submit that even those crazy wonderful people use and benefit from routines--they just might not know it, or care about it as much, or not get all excited to see a routine delineated on a big white chart with colorful markers.

By the way, I distinguish routine from schedule. A schedule is an activity (that could be part of a routine) that needs to occur within a fairly tight time frame. Routines are more general, and somewhat more flexible. Before I was beaten down by learned how to relax a bit let go of my perfectionism had three kids, I was a big believer in schedules-with-a-capital-S. Now I'm a lot more fun and chill, and a whole standard deviation's (or two) worth less obsessive, I leave the scheduling to people who run movie theaters. I prefer routine over schedule, especially when it comes to children (because nothing will make you learn how to not worry about what time something happens like having children, especially more than one!).

And it so happens that there is a Positive Discipline Tool Card for Routines!

The card says: "Help children create routine charts to encourage responsibility." And lists the steps to making an effective routine chart.

The first step is the most important one if you want that "encourage responsibility" portion of the program (and I'm supposing that you do): "Create routine charts WITH your child." I will speak from experience as a parent, and remembering from childhood, that nothing gets a person less interested in a chart than one that's presented to him as a done-deal. Even now, if you gave me a list of things to do--even if I knew it was my responsibility to handle those tasks (such as for the AOS or work around the house)--I'd be irritated and resentful of your bossing me around. And guess what? So are my kids!

We also created a Bedtime Chart, but this process can be used for many different types of routines. Our bedtime process was all over the place--literally and figuratively. It's still my responsibility to get Sean down to sleep, and his routine is necessarily different from the older kids. Even where the routines overlapped--they all three need teeth-brushing, for example--there was no consistency in remembering (on my part or Brendan's) and no easy way to figure out who had done what. Basically it's been too chaotic and unorganized for the likes of me. (I suspect everyone else wasn't as bothered by it as I was.)

So what we did at our Family Conference is worked together, all of us (except Sean who keeps milking that "I'm a Toddler" excuse for all it's worth). I actually got out a large easel pad, similar to the type I use in parenting workshops with Kelly, and my fancy-schmancy Mommy Markers (fascinating to the children as I selfishly reserve them for my own projects and do not lend them to others). I explained the process, and we all brainstormed the things that needed to get done before bed.

This is what they came up with (in no particular order):

• Brush Teeth
• Put on pajamas
• Read a story
• Big Hug and Kiss from Mom and Dad
• Tuck In

We were missing what (in my opinion) is a very important step, so I suggested Use the potty. Oh yeah! Good one, Mom! And hence, one of my ulterior motives for this routine chart was addressed.

Next came my other two motives: Wash face and hands (because holy smokes, that needs to be done on occasion), and Pick up clothes and toys from bedroom floor. THIS was the Big One, as I'd spent much of the previous day arguing and negotiating helping Ryan declutter and organize his room. Now I have loudly and often proclaimed my low housekeeping stands, and I stand by them (or over them, rather--they're that low). But his room had devolved into such a ridiculous state that I couldn't stand it one more second. I knew that one way to help prevent future problems would be to have him pick up his toys and clothes at least once a day, and I suggested this as part of the bedtime routine.

Once we'd all agreed that yes indeed, these were things that could be done and should be done and would be done, I rewrote everything nice and neat, and then Morgan and Sean colored and decorated it (Ryan didn't want to help). We agreed to try it for a week and then talk about how it goes at the next Family Conference. We also agreed on a general time frame for the routine to begin--not a set-in-stone schedule, but a general thereabouts. Our household is probably much more flexible on this point than most. I'd venture to say that if the kids were in school, or were starting school soon (as in next week), then our routine might need to begin on schedule, to make sure everyone got enough sleep.

So we tried it. As expected, Ryan resisted and tested whether or not we were serious about this. One night he protested and fought for so long there was no time for a story (and no patience either). But after that, it hasn't been such a problem. We kept referring him back to the chart (see Step 4: Let the routine chart be the boss.) We also didn't hesitate to remind him that he'd agreed to use it (another great reason to get the child's involvement in the procedure). He understands the fundamental nature of contractual obligations, and though angry, did not deny the justice of our position.

But the surprise has been Morgan. Each night, she goes upstairs (we stuck the chart on the wall outside the bathroom), reads each step carefully, follows the directions, runs back, reads the next step, etc. This is surprising to me because it's such a Jenn-like thing to do. :o) She is so much like Brendan, that sometimes I forget she came from me, too! This child seems to take an especial satisfaction in knowing what's expected, having it written out in a clear way, and it seems as if she gets a sense of completion and pride from having finished all of the steps. The first night she was so excited that she began the routine about 15 minutes early!

This is wonderful because she is taking that responsibility I wanted her to, being independent, and she is experiencing pride in her accomplishment. Which, incidentally, is connected to Step 5 above: Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards. Pride in accomplishment is an end in itself. If she were focused on winning a reward (a sticker or extra 5 minutes of story time), it could easily distract her focus from an independent first-handed feeling of pride.

This is also wonderful because I have struggled and struggled with figuring out how to help her follow processes with multiple steps. Those who know her in person are familiar with the fact that you can't give her more than two instructions verbally if you want half a chance that she'll follow the instructions. Sometimes I wouldn't place a bet on whether she'd follow an instruction with ONE step! Could it be that all we have to do is write the steps down together? Does she just not hear things? Is she primarily visual (that's me)? Does making this into a fun project with Mommy's taboo markers simply get her full undivided attention? I'm not exactly sure which factor it might be (or all of them?). Doesn't matter--we'll definitely be trying this again!

Have you ever used Routine Charts with your kids (or spouse, ha ha!)? How did they work for you? Any enlightening moments, such as my Morgan Revelation?

A routine chart--a handy way for everyone in the household to understand and agree on responsibilities, and a wonderful way to reinforce a few of the virtues, too. :o)

The Mistaken Goal Chart: The Swiss Army Knife of Parenting

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)


I was firmly entrenched in the positive discipline method before I discovered the Mistaken Goal Chart, and now, I cannot imagine thinking through misbehavior without it.

First, what is a mistaken goal? The practitioners of positive discipline hold that behavior is purposive. That means that when a child does something inappropriate, she is trying to meet some need or want. She is trying to achieve a perceived value, even if the value isn't in her best interest or if her way of of trying to achieve it is inappropriate. The mistaken goal chart includes four possible reasons a child might misbehave: to get attention, to have power, to get revenge, or to give up and be left alone. There might be more reasons, but in my experience, these four are awfully common.

Because positive discipline is not permissive, the point of identifying a child's mistaken goal is not to ignore the behavior itself; inappropriate behavior must be stopped. The point is that when a parent or teacher has more information about why a child misbehaves, he can choose his explanations, tools, etc with more care and directly address the child's actual problem.

The first mistaken goal is called "undue attention." The child's goal is to get the attention of the parent or teacher, and it is "undue" because the call for attention is inappropriate. A baby crying for milk or a terrified child needing to feel protected from a big dog is not trying to achieve a mistaken goal; her goal is perfectly rational, and she needs "due attention." An example of undue attention might be a child who acts up when mom is on the phone because he doesn't like it when she is not available to answer his questions or look at his drawings.

Next is "misguided power." The child's goal is to have power over someone else or to prove that no one has power over him, and it is misguided because the child has chosen an inappropriate way to gain power and control. A child who fights getting dressed because he wants to pick out his own clothes is seeking legitimate power over his own body and choices. But a child who refuses to put his shoes own because he doesn't want to go in the car to pick up his brother from school might be an example of child seeing inappropriate power; he cannot have power over the schedules of everyone in the house.

The child who has the mistaken goal of "revenge" is trying to get even. She might be hurting and want to hurt others so they feel as bad as she does. An example of this would be a child whose feelings got hurt when her mom set a limit, and so she lashes out and tells her that she wants to go to her dad's house she to make mom feel just as bad as she feels. Not that that has ever happened here. Sigh. I can't think of a time that a child taking revenge would actually be okay, but I think the wrong the child wants to get revenge for could be real or just perceived. Either way the goal of revenge would be a mistaken one.

The last one is the hardest for me to get a handle on because it is so much rarer and more scary. A child who is acting based on "assumed inadequacy" has decided that she can't do things well and may as well not try. She may actually not have the skills to be a competent person, or she might have made a wrong judgment about herself. But either way she is acting as if she is inadequate. For example, a child might have decided that he is not able to make friends, and so he doesn't even attempt to get to know his classmates or the other kids on the playground. He assumes from the beginning that he will fail, and so he doesn't bother to put forth any effort.

To use the mistaken goal chart, a parent introspects about his own reaction to the child's misbehavior and uses his feelings as a clue about which mistaken goal a child might be trying to achieve. At first, I was very resistant to this part. After all, what do my feelings have to do with my child's motivations. But when I used the chart, I found that my feelings did seem to be good clues. After putting some thought into this, I came up with this explanation.

Our feelings are automatic responses to certain kinds of situations. Anger is our reaction to a perceived injustice. Sadness to a perceived loss of a value. Happiness to a perceived gain of a value. When our children misbehave and we react to it, we are reacting to more than just the momentary situation. Our subconscious has made a gazillion integrations about our child's behavior that we may not have consciously considered. Our emotional reaction is based on what we perceive in the moment and all the integrations we've made in the past, even subconscious ones. So, when I feel anger at Livy's misbehavior, it's a good starting point to look for some injustice against me, real or perceived.

Will our feelings always lead us to the right mistaken goal? Definitely not. That's why I think it is wise to use the mistaken goal chart as Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott intended, as a guide and a starting point, and not as a final answer. Our emotions are great indicators, but they aren't tools of cognition. The mistaken goal chart tells me that if I am challenged, it would be a good idea to look and see if Livy might be seeking misguided power. The feeling of being challenged might be based on something irrational, but, especially if the parent has been working hard on his psycho-epistemology and carefully evaluating his feelings through introspection, the feeling is likely to point to something real that is going on. The mistaken goal chart is a way to find a starting point for thinking about the child's goals.

What I find so valuable about the chart is that it helps me address the root of a child's problem and not just work on the symptoms. It's possible for the same behavior to come from any of the mistaken goals, and if the parent just punished or stopped the behavior without trying to understand the cause and work on it, the behavior (or one like it) is likely to happen again.

For example, a child might refuse to put away his dirty dishes in the dishwasher because of any of the mistaken goals. What follows might not actually be said or even understood completely by the child, but these are the things they might be thinking or saying or acting.

• Undue attention: "If I don't do it, mom will yell at me or help me do it. I don't care if it's negative attention, I just want her to focus on me right now."
  



• Misguided power: "You can't make me do it! You do it! You aren't the boss of me! I don't have to put away my dishes just because you say so!"



• Revenge: "You were working on your blog all day and didn't help me with my art project, so I'm not gonna do the dishes now!"



• Assumed inadequacy: "I will not do it right. I never do. So why bother?"

Instead of just getting mad and forcing the child to put the dishes away, a parent who figured out his child's mistaken goal could address the larger issue while still stopping the inappropriate behavior.

• In the case of undue attention, the parent might insist that the child put her own dishes away but make sure to spend some special time with the child at another time or do the dishes together while talking or singing. The limit is set about dishes, but the parent also knows that the child is craving more attention.



• In the case of misguided power, the parent might insist that the child put her own dishes away but talk with the child about whether she is feeling out of control of her own life. Maybe the child needs more choices about when and how to do the dishes or maybe the child is feeling out of control in some other area. The parent can search for a way to give the child a reasonable chance to feel powerful and in control if he knows that she is acting from misguided power.



• In the case of revenge, the parent can insist that the child put her own dishes away but talk about what might have hurt the child's feelings. If the parent finds out it was revenge for her all day blogging session, she can let the child know that is inappropriate and help her find other ways to express her anger. The parent can validate her feelings of anger.
  



• In the case of assumed inadequacy, the parent might break the job down into smaller steps that seem manageable or express confidence in the child or remind her of a time she succeeded. In the future, the parent can watch for times the child does really well with chores and point out to her that she is capable.

The mistaken goal chart has become a part of the way I see Livy's behavior, and it has enhanced my response to her. When I remember to see her behavior as goal directed, though mistaken, I stay calmer and am in a problem solving frame of mind. It also helps me to teach her about introspecting about her own motivations. When I know that she is acting out of revenge, I can help her to realize that she is feeling hurt and lashing out. Then we can address the hurt in a healthier way. I hope she won't have to learn to sort out her tangled motivations in her late 20s, as I did.

I don't always get it right, though, as I said above, and that is also good practice for both of us. She gets to see that adults screw up too (always a good lesson), and, even if she tells me that I am wrong about her motivation, I still encouraged her to introspect and figure out what it was. I really really like the times when we get good results whether I am wrong or right, so the Mistaken Goal Chart is my friend!

I use things I have learned from the chart all the time, but the best times to use it for me are the times when Livy is doing the same kind of behavior over and over. Those times when nothing is working, and I feel like I am going to sell her to the gypsies. I have never gone to the Mistaken Goal Chart at a time like that and not come back with a better understanding of what the underlying problem might be or a few new suggestions for what to do (yes, there are suggestions!! Woohoo!!).

I recommend that all parents and teachers take a good look at this chart and revisit it often, especially in hard times. It's applicable to every kind of situation. It gives you different tools depending on what the problem is. It's only one piece of paper, so it will fit in your purse or pocket. It's the Swiss Army Knife of parenting tools.

Podcast #9: Positive Discipline Tool Cards

Okay, so I lied about having a new process for recording the podcasts beginning with Podcast 9. Stay tuned for THAT on Podcast 11!


Here’s the line up:

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): Dealing with a major potty regression

• Topic: Positive Discipline Tool Cards (begins 7:00)

• Q&A: What is the difference between Natural and Logical Consequences? (begins 22:02)

Thanks, as always, for listening! Send us your feedback: cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. And join our Facebook Fan Page!

Listen now, or download from iTunes or the Podbean site:

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OGrownups Monthly Summary

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

A few days late with this, but in case you hadn't heard, I've been a little busy. :P

In June, we added 6 new members, and had a total of 235 members as of June 30.

This month's topics included:

Discussion of news articles

• 5 year old suspended from school for "thoughtcrime"
• Katie Granju's son Henry

Blog posts by OG members

• Life learning
• Cultivating the Virtues podcasts
• Teaching kids to evaluate risk and safety
• Children's book reviews

General discussion

• Education Activism (a call to arms!)
• Food & Fertility
• Summer Learning
• A new baby (always exciting!)
• Finding and OB/midwife in late pregnancy
• Goat's milk
• Parental rights and children's rights
• Free Range Kids and hot dog dangers--a dose of sanity
• Getting together at OCON (hope it's fun!)
• You Might Be an Objectivist Parent If . . . (fun thread)
• Support Selfish Parenting (parenting activism!)
• Circumcision (understatement of the year!)
• Raising Entrepreneurs (based on a TED Talk)
• Computer programming for kids
• Kids & Food
• Piggy Banks

A very active month. Can't wait to see what July brings!

Click here to join OGrownups as a posting member or a lurker.

CtV's First iTunes Review

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Kelly and I got our first review on iTunes yesterday! Unfortunately it wasn't as complimentary as we'd have liked:

"This is a very silly podcast by two young women who have no meaningful track record to indicate the value of their opinions. I guess if you're specifically looking for ideas about how to apply objectivism [sic] to parenting, you might find this interesting; but if you're looking for sound advice about child rearing, you'd do much better to ask a grandma who's actually finished raising a child or two."

I do thank the listener for taking time to write about it, and for noting that those who are interested in Objectivism as applied to parenting might get something out of the podcast. I also am absurdly thrilled to learn that apparently I sound quite young. :o)

However, I'll state for the record that I completely disagree with the underlying premise of the review, that one must be all the way finished raising a child in order to have ideas, opinions, thoughts, or offer advice about parenting. I think it's helpful to think about how you're raising your children, well, the whole way through, and ideally beginning before you acquire one.

I have never claimed to know every single thing there is to know about raising children, and indeed, I have no idea what having teenagers will be like. But since I have a sound set of parenting principles based in reality, I have a parenting framework and set of tools that are consistent with that framework that I use again and again. The situations change, sure, but the principles have taken me from years 0 - 8 quite well. And if something radical changes at some point, you can be sure I'll re-evaluate my premises if necessary.

Our first review from a listener who came to us outside of our blogs! Kind of a big deal, don't you think? And, even better, I was alerted to a woman who joined the Positive Discipline Ning group who had first heard of PD through our podcasts! Very cool.

Oh hey! We'd love some more reviews on iTunes, if you have a mind to write us one. :o) And if you're wondering, we still have many podcasts recorded and ready for production, but we've been so busy with MiniCon we just haven't had a spare second to get to it. We'll get caught up soon though.

Parenting Toolbox: The 3 Rs of Recovery

(from Reepicheep's Coracle)

When I pulled out this card* today, looking for a tool to write about, I knew it was the right one. I love the cards that tell me how to behave because often, that's all it takes for Livy to behave. Amazing how big an effect it has on her when I act like the responsible, mature adult I should be. This card also explains a tool that I can pass on to Livy as a life skill, and I love those too. And last, but not least, I had to use the steps on this card recently in my daily life.

The card reads:

"Making mistakes isn't as important as what you do about them. Use these steps after you have had a chance to cool off.

"1. Recognize the mistake with a feeling of responsibility instead of blame.

"2. Reconcile by apologizing. Children are so forgiving.

"3. Resolve the problem by working together on a respectful solution."

So, in case you guys were not aware of this, I mess up all the time. I set limits that are unnecessary. I yell at Livy. I boss her when I ought to mind my own business. I treat her unkindly or like I'm superior or like she is a bother. I hurry her up when I don't have anything in particular to do. I let lesser priorities get ahead of her.

And, in case you guys were not aware of this, if you generally treat your child with respect and allow her to voice her opinions, she will let you know immediately when you do any of the bad things above. :)

I try to always keep in mind that I am forging a new path, parenting in a new way (not the way I was parented), and mistakes are to be expected. Not only expected, but welcomed as new chances to learn how to behave myself. Not that I want to yell at her. But when I do, instead of kicking myself (mentally or physically), I can be glad that I have seen a flaw in my behavior or thinking and that I have a chance to work on it.

Therefore, my motto: YIPPEE MISTAKES!!

But what to do when you make a mistake with your kids? Here's a list of some of the ways I have seen parents handle mistakes.

1. Hide them. After all, if we want our kids to respect us, we had better appear to be infallible. Everyone who has ever worked for a jackass boss knows that we don't respect people who cannot admit that they are wrong and make amends. We see them as insecure and rigid and dishonest, and they are.

2. Don't even acknowledge the mistake to yourself. They are only kids, anyway, and we can treat them any way we want. We are the adults; we must be right. This is even worse than the first one. At least if you only hide your mistakes you can improve secretly. If you don't even allow that you could be wrong, there is no possibility of change.

3. Blame them on the kid. "Well, I may have yelled, but you shouldn't do that and make me so mad." Also the M.O. of spousal abusers, though at least their victims can leave. Once again, dishonest, but also just mean. And what a terrible lesson to teach, that a child is responsible for other people's feelings and behavior. This means he is his brother's keeper, and even his mom's.

So, as usual, positive discipline has another approach: the three Rs. When we screw up, we can accept responsibility, apologize to the wronged person, and make a plan (ideally, involving the wronged person in the planning) for working on this problem in the future.

Here's an example of how this might work with me and Livy. I can't think of a recent situation when I've used this with her, so I'm making one up, but it could easily happen this way for us.

Imagine Livy happily playing in her room, absorbed in some important and yet invisible (to me) project. I walk in and say, "Okay, I need some help with the dishes." She says, "I'm busy. I'll help later." I say, "Look, I cooked dinner and grew these vegetables and the least you can do is come and help me clean." We end up in a fight because she doesn't want to disengage from her work, and I am stubbornly refusing to butt out. When I realize that I didn't take her work into account or try to be at all flexible about the help I needed (everything had to be on my time schedule), here's what I would do.

1. Recognize the mistake. Thinking in my head, "I hate to be interrupted and bossed too. Her work is just as important to her as mine is to me, and there was no reason those dishes could not have waited 10 or 15 minutes. I should have been more respectful of her time."

2. Reconcile by apologizing. To Livy: "I'm sorry that I just came in here and demanded that you stop what you were doing and help me RIGHT NOW. I should have told you that I needed help and then worked out a time for doing it that was good for both of us." After this, Livy would definitely need to talk with me about it and probably cry a little bit, if it was an intense fight. I wouldn't move on to step 3 until we were actually reconciled, and she felt heard.

3. Resolve by problem solving. Me: "I don't want to act like that in the future, so I'll need to work on it. Any ideas?" Livy: "Don't boss me anymore." Me: "That's my goal, but I need a plan to help me practice and remember. What if you hold up your hand if I start rudely interrupting you so that I can remember not to?" Livy: "Or I could close my door if I am working on something important." Me: "Okay, that sounds good. Then, when I stop to knock, that will help me remember to respect your time. I'll still want to tell you I need help and work out a plan for when you can take a break and help me." Livy: "That's fine. Now can I get back to my project?" Me: "Sure. When can you help me with the dishes?" Livy: "10 minutes?" Me: "Okay, I'll set the timer."

Now, what did I get out of this? First, I got to make amends for a mistake and repair the relationship with a person I value very much. I got to show her that I want to treat her well, which makes her feel better and makes me feel better too. I got to be virtuous; I used honesty (because looking a mistake square in the face is looking at reality), integrity (because I chose to act in accordance with my values), productivity (because parenting is a career and this is the kind of work I want to do in my parenting), and pride (because I was looking back over my behavior to see if it was virtuous). I also got to teach Livy some important lessons, and that is a big goal of mine.

Here's what I think she got out of it: She learned that adults make mistakes, even parents, and that when she is an adult, she will make mistakes as well. She learned what to do when she makes a mistake. She learned that when we bring a mistake to the forefront instead of evading it, both people (the mistake-maker and the victim of the mistake) get to feel better. She learned about how to be virtuous by watching me use honesty, integrity, productivity, and pride, even if she doesn't know their names yet. She learned that it is not okay to boss people around and to misuse power. And she learned that I love her and don't want to treat her badly, even when I sometimes do it by mistake. That's quite a lot from one little mistake from me and a conversation.

Because it is so applicable to every single person in the world, I think that this tool should be considered a life tool or a people tool, rather than just a parenting tool. I used it myself recently with another adult.

I lost my temper and wrote an unfair blog post. Once I cooled down and realized what I did, I used these 3 steps to handle the situation. They took a long time because it was a big confusing mistake, but in the end, they worked in the same way they do with kids.

First, I acknowledged to myself the mistake I had made. And not just that I had made a mistake, but exactly what I had done and why. This first step is really a kind of introspection, where we figure out what happened and admit, to ourselves, exactly what the error was. Next, I apologized to the person I went off on. I explained my mistake to him and told him how sorry I was.

Finally, I made a plan (This time, I did the problem solving alone, since the victim of my mistake was a stranger and not someone I was likely to go off on again.) for how I was going to cool off before publishing blog posts in the future. I thought of what I could do to made amends to him (apologizing publicly and taking down the post) and of what I could do to prevent these kinds of mistakes in the future.

By dealing with my mistake this way instead of one of the other ways I mentioned, I got to be virtuous and feel better and work for my future improvement. My victim got some justice and acknowledgment from me and got the feeling of reconciliation too. This way of handling the mistake was a win for both of us.

Admitting mistakes openly makes some people feel embarrassed and humbled, but I don't think we have to see it that way. When I behaved so badly, I was not acting virtuously. Nothing else I could do afterward would erase that. My choice was in how to handle the aftermath of the mistake, virtuously or not. When we use these 3 Rs, since we are acting virtuously, we can feel the dignity and honor that virtuous action brings us. I may have been a jackass on the day I wrote the post, but I can be proud of the way I handled it afterward, at least.

This is a big lesson I want Livy to take into adulthood: when we handle mistakes rationally, using these 3 Rs, we are help ourselves (the virtues lead to happiness, after all), and we maintain healthy relationships (treating our loved ones with respect). And I think owning up when I make mistakes is the best way for her to learn it.

*You can see Jane Nelson's Positive Discipline Tool Cards here.

PD Tool Card: Family Meeting, uh, Conference Update

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I know you've been hanging on the edge of your computer screens to find out if Ryan would come to our next Family Meeting. Well, it was this morning, and I'm happy to announce that every member of our family was in attendance! :o)

So it came up last week that Ryan apparently had an issue with the word 'Meeting,' or so he told Brendan. I'm hoping Brendan will share a bit more about what they actually talked about in the comments. I suspect that Ryan needed a way to have this Family Meeting idea be kind of his idea, since he's a fan of his own ideas first (as you are no doubt aware). So he came up with this objection.

Brendan and I both told him that he's welcome to suggest a name change at the next Family Meeting, but we wouldn't be changing the name unless he came and we all took a vote on it. Well, that did it. :o)

Our meeting agenda was this:

• Compliments

• Calendar

• Meeting Name Change

• Choose the King or Queen for next week

• Allowance/Easter Egg Hunt

Brendan was King of the meeting and called us to order by the Ringing of the Bell (bell, bell, bell, bell . . . sorry, couldn't resist!). An enthusiastic round of compliments ensued.

People were thanked left and right for their contributions to the family this week. I was thanked for making dinner and for the Easter baskets. Brendan was complimented for mowing the lawn and pressure washing the sidewalk. Ryan was thanked for being an awesome Waiter Peopleguy and for helping with cleaning and dinner the other night. Morgan was complimented for her cleaning efforts this week (which are still, uh, not great, but she did make slightly more of an effort and a little noticing and encouragement will go far toward our goal of getting her to pick her toys up). Sean was complimented for having blond hair and for being so cute.

Everyone participated, even Ryan, who almost couldn't stop complimenting people and even thanked Brendan for fixing one of his toys that got broken at Christmas. You know, when Brendan fixed it ON Christmas . . . the Christmas two years ago that we spent in Chicago. Some pent up thanking in that boy, I guess. It's a lovely side of him to see (and one we don't get to see very often!).

Then we reviewed our calendar and talked about changing what we call these here meetings. Ryan's suggestion was Family Conference. Brendan brought up a suggestion made by a bloggy friend: Family Summit. We talked about how summits were big meetings between leaders of countries, and Ryan really warmed to that idea. He said he liked to think of each of us as big important countries of our own (if he'd known what the word sovereign meant, he'd have used it, I think).

We took a vote: Family Meeting, Family Conference, or Family Summit. I voted for Summit, and Brendan, Morgan, and Ryan voted for Conference. Sean abstained, pleading toddlerhood and PEZ. Ryan told us, "Yeah. I like Family Summit, but Family Conference was my idea, and who doesn't like their own ideas best and wouldn't vote for their own best ideas?" And that statement right there, my Dear Readers, pretty much sums up this child.

So henceforth forevermore world-without-end-amen, we will be holding weekly Family Conferences. Unless we change our minds and have another vote.

Then we chose our King for the next meeting conference, and you guessed it--it's Ryan! He actually jumped up and down like crazy. Ah, the thrill of Power. Then, Easter Eggs!

Next week's meeting conference should be interesting. Now that Ryan is going to be participating (I hope, you never know!), we'll probably going to need some kind of Talking Stick or something to hold so that everyone gets a fair turn to talk. And we'll probably have to vote on it, to decide whether to call it the Talking Stick or Talking Staff of Ra, or Talking Pole.

That's okay. :o)

Positive Discipline From Day One

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

In my previous parenting posts, I use Ryan and Morgan as my examples, since they've been around a while now and I have lots of great stories and parenting experiences with them.

But this time, I thought I'd talk about the baby for a while, partly because he's super cute and squeezable, but also because we do use PD with him, too! (This post brought to you by the Electrical Cord Chewing Button Pushing Peopleguy--Sean.)

A brand new baby doesn't really need guidance from his parents, but he does need responsiveness. When his parents take care of his basic needs in a prompt way, the baby learns to trust those big people and begins to gain a sense that those big people seem to value him a lot. The primary focus of those early days is (besides sleep) building a connection with the baby. This is also known as "attachment parenting" and for more information about this, go to the website of Dr. Sears, who has coauthored (with his wife) many books on the subject.

But after those first couple of sleepless months pass by, the baby becomes more aware of things and interactive. Not coincidentally, you, the parent, begin to emerge from the new baby fog--just a bit!--and become more aware and interactive. :o)

But the baby isn't really conceptual--the baby can't really misbehave--so what is the purpose of discipline at this stage?


Good for Mom and Dad

Babyhood is the perfect time for parents to begin sharpening some of the parenting tools in their toolbox. Of course, if you have more than a minute or two between all of the new baby tasks like changing diapers and feeding and various cleaning activities, now is a great time to read some books about Positive Discipline.

But it's also a great time to practice. Practice saying the things you're going to be repeating thousands of times in the not-too-distant future. Practice which words you're going to say and practice how you're going to say them.

So when you find baby somewhere he's not supposed to be (who expected him to roll over so quickly?), such as in front of the the cat food or a trapped in a particularly electrical-cord-ridden corner of the room, you can say "Oops! Electrical cords are not for eating. Come with me!" as you remove him.

Now the baby will not understand a word. That's okay. He may not even have noticed that you moved him from the cords. To him, the experience is: I was lying somewhere, then that nice lady who smells yummy scooped me up and made some noises, and now I'm somewhere else. (That's if he could even articulate the experience, which, you know, he can't.)

Of course you'd remove him from situations you deem to be potentially dangerous. And the baby may or may not notice or care. But why not use the time to try out what you're going to say when he's a little bit older? Because before you know it, he will begin to understand.

Practice words and phrases:

• That's not for touching.
• You want to hold something; here's a bear.
• Pulling hair is ouchy! Let me help you do a gentle pat.

Practice distraction:

• Look! Up in the sky! It's a ceiling fan!
• You want to touch that. Let's go in the kitchen now.
• Let's go see what Daddy's doing.

Practice tone-of-voice (which of course I can't really describe in writing, but I really do practice different ways of saying things, so that I am firm but kind in the real situation):

• Ouch! That hurts!
• Cords aren't for pulling.
• That's not for eating.
• I know you don't want a diaper change. I'll help you hold still and it will be over quickly.

Good for Baby

Obviously, Baby won't really get what you're saying and doing until he is older--in my completely non-scientific experience, around 6 months or so. And even then, he won't understand the words--but he will pick up on your tone of voice. And once he gets some sense of Object Permanence--the idea that things don't disappear just because you can't see them--he will definitely begin to understand what you're doing (removing the object or him) and even start to be upset by it.

But if you're already in the habit of saying the right things in the way you want to say them, then the first time the baby whips your glasses off of your face and nearly drops them in the toilet, you will have some words at your disposal that you can use despite your surprise and dismay. That saves the baby from a shocking sense of "Who is this freaking yelling person who has replaced my Mommy?" if you can somehow put him gently on the floor and say "My glasses are not for touching!" instead of "Nnooooo! Blllaaarrrgg!" (Please. Learn from my mistakes. :o) )

The baby will also begin to pick up on the fact that you mean what you say and will reinforce it in a kind and gentle manner. Kids like consistency and need Mom and Dad to provide that for them. It's unsettling not to be able to predict things--babies and kids are comforted by routines and consistency.


Good for Older Siblings

If you have older kids, there's an immediate benefit to practicing PD with the new baby. The Big Kids get to see that you will help the baby follow the house rules: "Ryan wants to play by himself right now; let's go play over here." or "Ouch! Pulling hair hurts and Morgan doesn't like that! I'll help you stop."

Besides the sense of justice that comes from being able to see that you will be fair and not always default in favor of the baby (which is hard not to do!), the Big Kids will begin to view the baby as a real member of the family, an actual person with legitimate wants and desires. And, you are modeling words and action for them to use with the baby. Ryan helps Sean give the cat "gentle pats" (kind of!) and Morgan will say comforting things to him when he's sad like "You're sad Mommy moved away, but see? She's right over there in the kitchen!"


Strategies for Baby "Misbehaviors"

A baby is becoming self-directed--especially once he can sit up on his own and move around some (rolling, crawling, etc.). He's going to do things you don't want him to--not because he's trying to irritate you or hurt himself. He doesn't even have a sense of that yet. He is merely curious about the world and is trying to learn about it, touching everything and probably tasting everything, too.

This is a good time to practice the PD idea: Assume Positive Intent. If you practice this now, it will be easier to do when the child is older and really does do something on purpose to annoy you. (See 4 and 7 year old Casey Kids for examples).

Nobody would think that a crawling baby is trying to disconnect your computer and wireless router on purpose. He sees flashing lights and neat-o buttons and he wants to know what they are, which means touching and/or tasting. If you're Sean, that also means picking up a stick and beating things to see what they do. Maybe a scream or a gurgle will do something. What if I stick it in my eye?

By the way--I LOVE the stage that Sean is in right now. He is so curious and adventurous--a little Scientist Explorer Peopleguy. Even though I've been interrupted 5 times in the writing of just this paragraph by that curiosity, I just love it.

So, what can you do when he is ripping cords out of the wall and attempting to strangle himself with them?

• Physically remove baby from the No-No.

• Say "Not for touching." or "No." or "Stop." in a gentle voice. (I don't say something every time.)

• Rearrange some furniture--take valuables upstairs, or block off the zone. The makeshift barricade I have near my computer desk is NOT holding anymore, so we'll have to move on to a different idea.

• Distract, distract, distract. Give him another toy, move him to another area, make a funny face. The main advantage you have as a parent at this stage is the fact that Baby is so interested in EVERYTHING that his attention is (relatively) easily focused on something different. Also, babies in general are not known for their excellent memories.

• Give the baby an appropriate substitute. If he wants to chew something, remove the cat food or Daddy's iPhone and give him a teething ring or soft toy instead. Pulling up grass is a better outlet for when you get the urge to rip something up by its roots (as opposed to hair). Etc.
  

• Be prepared to do this a million times until he finds another dangerous thing to obsess over or until he leaves home for college. (In the words of Dave Barry, I am not making this up.)

I do not recommend:

• Shouting or yelling at baby. It will scare him and he'll get the same idea--"Mom won't let me over in this corner."--through your action of physically removing him.

• Hitting baby--smacking his hands, etc. Again, he'll get scared and focus on the hurt--why hurt or scare him when he gets what he needs--redirection--without physical or mental pain?

Babyproofing

I'm not sure if this really a PD idea, but it's certainly a value I hold--give the baby as much freedom as absolutely possible. Create a safe zone in which he can play and explore--and make that zone big.

Having older kids has resulted in some logistical challenges along these lines. As parents know, the older the kid, the more pieces their toys, and the smaller the pieces. It's a Danger Trifecta: lots of small pieces are not only a hassle to clean up and keep track of, it's also a Major Choking Hazard!

We've worked around some of these issues by creating Big Kid Zones, where one can play with LEGO in relative freedom. Our playroom also has doors, which has been helpful, although Sean has reached an age where it's no longer feasible to keep him out of there. I've also enlisted the help of the older kids: they can identify Sean-safe toys, and will sound a red alert (literally) if they see him with anything in his mouth. Given all of the birthdays recently celebrated around here, hearing Ryan or Morgan shout "Floor cake!" is common. Sean does love some leftover floor cake. (And I'm confident at this point that he is not allergic to eggs, dairy, or wheat. Although it was definitely NOT my preference for us to have figured it out in that particular manner.)

And even though we let him have as much freedom as we can, we still make judicious use of baby gates (to keep him out of the kitchen and from being underfoot while I'm cooking, for example) and outlet covers. But it's funny--Sean is surviving and thriving in a much more dangerous environment than Ryan did at the same age! Ah, the joys and perils of being a Third! Even so--we still redirect him and guide him all the time. But for both of our sakes, I try to minimize it.

What are some other ideas for guiding young babies and toddlers? I'm sure there are things I've forgotten about toddlerhood, which will re-surprise me in just a few more months here. Ideas?

Another Thought (or Two) on Lying

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I've been thinking more about this issue since I wrote about it the other day. (By the way, I really appreciate the comments, too!) And I have another example to share.

Now that we've talked so much about lying and truth in the last few months, everyone is suddenly on the Truth Patrol. A common way for Ryan to begin a story is "Mom, I have something really important to tell you about what Morgan is doing right now and it's the truth. [insert story that I didn't really need to know here]" Or when the kids have a disagreement, everyone immediately pipes up with "That's not true! What I'M saying is true!" "No, I'M saying what's true!"

Suddenly it's vitally important that I believe what everyone is saying. Which I think is a good thing, since it means that they want my trust, yes? Even when the desire to be the one person who is telling the truth nearly results in fist fight, yes? :o)

When Ryan prefaces a story with "This is the truth" I will usually say something like "Just say what you want to say. I can decide for myself about the truth of it." And when the story checks out I'll follow up with a "I'm glad I could trust you to tell me the truth about XYZ." Trying to reinforce how our relationship is benefitting from all of this truthiness.

If people are arguing about who is "saying what's true," I'll usually take the same strategy. It's more difficult because of the logistics of more than one kid, but typically we try (when I remember to be calm and not be personally invested in the conversation!) to stop everyone from talking, let each kid have a turn to say his thoughts uninterrupted, and work out the issue as usual from there.

Sometimes, the kids will get really worked up, when the other doesn't believe him/her (most often as a result of a genuine misunderstanding, rather than that someone is actually lying). An example might help. Hmmm....let's see. A lot of times, it's because someone (let's call him "Ryan") is making an assertion or assumption about the other (let's call her "Morgan") and a disagreement arises. Such as:

Ryan: "Morgan doesn't like to eat pizza when it's too hot." (Which is true, but you may substitute a completely ridiculous or unfounded assertion if you like, because he makes those just as often.)

Morgan, not hearing the end of the sentence: "No, Ryan, you're wrong! I do like pizza!"

Ryan, taking instant offense to being told he is wrong about something: "I'm not wrong! Mom, she's telling a lie!" -OR- "No, Morgan, you're wrong! You DON'T like to eat hot pizza!" Pick your favorite.

Enter the tears and accusations (always a crowd-pleaser). Now I must take a few minutes (or hours, as the case may be) to explain to one what the other meant and explain to the other what the one meant, and that is sometimes all that is necessary. Or I could also say to Morgan: "You know what kind of pizza you like. It doesn't matter what anybody else says or thinks about it. You know what's really true."

That's another way to reinforce lots of good philosophy, I think. To help the child understand that nobody else can change the truth about what you are thinking just by saying "Nuh-uh" or "You're wrong." That you can make your own judgments. That you can hold to your judgments in the face of opposition. To trust your senses and your mind. To know that Mom and Dad will back you up. Good stuff.

Also, it usually helps bring a close to the "discussion" and that is also a value of mine. :o)

Seems like these kinds of disagreements arise when someone is trying to guess what's inside someone else's head. I wonder if there's a way to work that observation in the next time such a problem arises. There's a thought. I'll see if I can do that.

I'm interested in your thoughts and ideas--I always need good ideas of what to say in the moment. I try to keep a running list of Good Parenting Things To Say--a repertoire, if you will--in my head. I'm not so good in the moment, saying the things I'd like to say, and/or saying them how I think I should say them, but if I have a stack of Good Parent things already in my brain, then it's easier to be successful during a crazy situation.