Discussion, Not Debate

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I'm still recovering from MiniCon and dealing with tying up loose ends, so my time for blogging is limited just at the moment. So I might be recycling just a bit, please forgive.

A couple of weeks ago, when a certain thread under discussion on the OGrownups list got heated and became a debate, we called a temporary halt to that thread, and then I wrote the following email to the group. The reason I'm posting it here on Rational Jenn is that I'm proud of the email--I really took time in crafting it and I think it's a good bit of writing--and I also think it's good general advice for thinking about communicating with others in various online forums.

Enjoy!

In keeping with a principle from Positive Discipline that my friend Kelly has condensed into the phrase "Yippee Mistakes!" I view the acrimonious debate that occurred a couple days ago as an opportunity for members of our group to learn something new, regroup, and try to improve for the future. Mistakes were made the other day, and I have no wish to rehash them or point fingers (and ask that you refrain from doing so, too). We all make mistakes--I make them all day long. What I'm interested in is how we move forward as a group.

First let me try to explain why. One of the reasons I'm so excited about this group is that it's a real opportunity for us--as Objectivists, parents, educators, caring aunts, uncles, grandparents, and lurkers who might not be in full agreement with Objectivism but who are interested and learning from our discussions--to have the kind of principled discussions about this very, very important area of our lives. I can talk to other moms in my neighborhood or homeschool groups about parenting--and I do--but those people do not share this common philosophical base with me. This group provides a value for me as a parent, a way to talk about these sometimes difficult parenting issues with others who share my values. I hope that others view this in the same way, too.

Some parenting issues are pretty straightfoward and are purely in the realm of optional values. Other issues are much more difficult to decide about, such as whether to have a repeat c-section (to use an example from my own life that some people view as a controversial, and possibly wrong, decision). I want us to be able to talk about these more difficult, possibly controversial, decisions--the morality behind them, the thinking process, our personal context, our values--here on this list. But that will be impossible if such threads degrade into name-calling and accusations.

Diana suggested that we all go back and read a short essay written by Jean Moroney (http://www.oclubs.org/newsletter/a-discussion-is-not-a-debate-how-to-keep-discussions-friendl.html) , and if you haven't yet done so, please do. To summarize a couple of key points:

A debate . . .
. . . is to be won and lost (there is a winning and a losing side)
. . . requires thorough preparation and exactness of definitions and terms

A discussion . . .
. . . is an opportunity to present your thoughts
. . . is more casual, and participants should not be held to the same standards of precision in terms as a formal debate (or other presentation)
. . . will not necessarily change someone's mind (but that's not the purpose)

And of course, discussions are what we want, not debates. (In fact, it's official OList policy, I believe!)

Here are a few more suggestions I have for future discussions on OG:

• Use "I" language. Instead of "Don't be a maroooon" (as Bugs Bunny would say), say "I don't understand your point. Can you clarify further?" or say "I'm confused by this statement . . . ." Instead of deciding that the other person is [insert adjective here] ask a question to find out. "You" statements can put the other person on the defensive (which can turn the discussion into a win-lose debate); "I" statements are non-accusing and invite clarification.

• Focus on making YOUR point rather than refuting someone else's point.

• Consider that this group provides you with an opportunity to A.) say what you think and B.) maybe get someone else thinking about the idea in a new way.

• Give people the benefit of the doubt. We all want to understand these issues and be good parents. Until you have reason to think otherwise, assume positive intent.

• It's not fair to expect people to instantly change their minds about a subject, no matter how brilliant your argument happens to be. So if someone does not immediately come around to your viewpoint, that does not necessarily make him dishonest or irrational, etc. We all recognize the need for thoughtful consideration, introspection, and examination of premises. I don't know about you, but that process often takes me a while, and can't ever be done well when I'm stressed or tense.

• I'm not suggesting anyone refrain from judging. Feel free to judge others, but consider that your personal judgment of someone else's character is not adding to the discussion, particularly if you are interested in trying to persuade others. Stick to the issues--think what you like of the person, but keep that out of the discussion, and tone of your email.

• Keep in mind that most people don't participate in the discussions, but are probably reading them and learning from them. If people are watching a debate, the focus might be on who is going to make the next zinger, and less on the real issue at hand. That might be entertaining (or depressing) when watching politicians debate, but here, we're all trying to figure out how to do the best we can.

• Save retorts and one-upmanship for private emails--honestly, it's fine with me if you want to have an acrimonious debate, just don't do it here.

Here's something I learned in the how-to-teach parenting workshops I took in the last several months: all I can do as the facilitator/presenter is present the material. The learning must be done by the participants and the observers--and I have no control over that. All I can do here on OG is present my viewpoint and evidence for it. Whether or not I change a mind--outside of my control. In a way, knowing this has been freeing to me--I have no pressure to convince anyone. I challenge myself to be clear and have good reasons for the things I say, but that's all.

Finally, remember that we have ALL made mistakes with our children, both major and minor. And remember that a mistake (Yippee Mistakes!) is a chance to reexamine a premise, change, and improve. So I hope we can move forward from here, and get back to discussing the issues that affect us and the children we all love.

Other People's Kids

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Recently on OGrownups, Diana asked this question:

What do you do when other people's kids behave badly toward you, such as destroying your property?

For example, my three year old niece tore apart a card that I was planning to save.  It wasn't a huge deal, and she was just playing, but I wanted to emphasize the principle that she shouldn't destroy other people's stuff.  At the time, I expressed my surprise and dismay, told her that I'd wanted to save it, gave her the half that I didn't want, then stowed away the half I wanted to save.  Nothing went wrong with that, but I wonder if I should have done differently.

More generally though, I wonder how to deal respectfully with other people's kids, yet respectfully of my own boundaries too.  Advice would be appreciated.

This question generated many thoughtful and interesting responses. I'll post my response here:

Other People's Kids can be really tricky to deal with sometimes. As with pretty much everything else, context matters.

I think you handled the situation with your niece just fine--she saw the effects of her actions on you when you expressed your emotions, and learned something about property rights. Then you redirected her toward something that she could have instead. If this was just a one-time thing, then that might be all that's needed. With three-year-olds, I've said things like "Oh don't color on those walls! Those walls belong to me. If you want to color, here's some paper." I like to point out to them which things belong to me--I think they're just too young to have any clue that there are things in the world that belong to someone else!

If this became a habit (I don't know how often you see your niece, or if she lives near you), then you might take further steps, including talking to the child's parents, having a chat with her about it at a time in which you are both calm and removed from the situation (not five minutes after something gets destroyed, I mean), putting things away before she comes over, restricting her access to certain rooms of the house, meeting them on neutral territory or at her house, etc. Three years old is still quite young, and if such a thing happened repeatedly, I'd do all of those things, and wait until she matures a bit more before relaxing such rules.

Was the child's mom or dad present? What did s/he say? Sometimes when handling OPKs I will take a cue from or follow the lead of the parent. If I'm keeping someone else's child at my house, then I generally treat them the way I treat my kids--our house rules are the same for all, and we handle problem-solving issues and redirections the same way across the board. If you don't have kids, this might be hard to come up with maybe, lacking general kid-related policies and procedures perhaps, but really it boils down to having clear, honest communication with children, exactly like you did above.

(Sometimes kids who are in my charge don't quite know what to do when I ask them to help problem-solve--the differences in the ways we parent and our kids' friends' parents parent are becoming more obvious as the kids get older)--but hey, my house my rules! You got a problem--you're expected to help with the solution!)

Even tricker with OPKs are playground situations where there is no other parent around (as far as I can tell), and the other parent hasn't explicitly left the child in my care. So OPKs who cut in line at the slide or try to blow into the other end of a snorkel while my child is wearing it (sitting on him and pushing him down into the water in the process) or even very little ones who wander in the pathway of a swing or a slide--it's a little trickier because sometimes you can't predict how the other parent will react. Though I generally just follow my usual Kid Policies and Procedures: "Oh hey! Did you see that this girl [pointing to Morgan] was waiting for a turn?" or "He doesn't want you to touch his snorkel or push him down. Can you give him some space please?" or "Oops! You're very close to the swings!" and then gently scoop the kid out of the way.

I have rarely had a negative reaction from other parents (who often appear from nowhere when the realize someone else is disciplining their child--as I would, too), but I've had a few, including one mother who was appalled that I might scoop her toddler out of the way of an incoming swing + kid. For the record, anyone reading this--PLEASE feel free to scoop my kids if they're in danger! :o) I read a blog post a while back about a dad who did something similar at a playground and the other parent called the cops!

One more version of tricky--when other parents you are friends with or see fairly regularly are doing things that makes you worry they are putting their children into harm's way. We have neighbors and one of the elderly, nearly helpless, grandmas lives with them. Yet they continued to use her as a babysitter for the kids after school let out and before they got home from work, etc. So many times she was unable to unlock the door from the inside of the house to let the kids inside--the kids would come here and get the extra key. Trying to get my neighbor (who I used to be closer to than I am now, for other reasons) to understand my concerns about the safety of the kids (and the granny) was futile. I always felt torn about sending them there if they'd been here playing and one of the parents was not yet home. Finally I got to a place where I had to let it go. This was the parents' decision, and both kids are old enough and have enough sense I think to come get me or another neighbor should something happen. My neighbor knows I'm uneasy about her arrangement, but again, it's her decision. It was easier for me to let it go once I sat down and thought about the kids, what I knew about them and how sensible they are, and also now that they're a bit older.

I'm definitely interested in more discussion about how to handle situations with other people's kids!

One thing I'd like to add to my response that pertains specifically to Diana's original question: When dealing with little ones--your own or the ones who belong to others--tone of voice is critical. (I'm sure Diana's tone of voice was appropriate!) I mention this because it's an issue that I often need to watch in myself.

I'm not suggesting that you keep all emotion out of your voice. Even young children are hardy enough to experience the consequences of their actions, and that includes emotional consequences in others. Still, sometimes I have to make myself step back and repeat "Assume Positive Intent" and remember that the little ones especially simply don't know about these things yet, and a gentle tone will get my point across effectively, too.

What say you?

On Manners

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

A few weeks ago, I asked for some suggestions for parenting topics. Thanks to those who left me some good ideas. Miranda asked me:

What's your policy on the kids saying sorry? The normal parenting technique after one kid wrongs another is to force one kid to apologize. And if the apology doesn't sound sincere enough, the kid is forced to make it sound "more real". How do you handle it? Is it even a priority?

As you might imagine, we handle apologies (and other issues relating to good manners) just a little bit differently around here. :o)

To answer Miranda's last question first: Yes, good manners, including apologies, are important to me. I think using kind words to express oneself, particularly with the people you value the most, makes things around here run more smoothly. It's also an expression of justice, treating the people you value as if you, well, value them.

That's not to say you shouldn't express your anger or disappointment or sadness when you feel it, ignoring injustices done to you. But expressing yourself with manners is a good starting place. There's a big difference in saying "Wow! That really hurt my feelings and I'm feeling sad about that." and "Stop being such a jerk!"

I'm also not advocating sticking with politeness for its own sake in the face of repeated injustices. There IS a time and place for rudeness. I haven't read too much Miss Manners, but I love the posts Diana shares on her blog (such as this recent one). Miss Manners is great at knowing when to straighten people out with just the right amount of disdain in one's voice.


Kids and Manners

The most important thing we do to help our kids learn manners is to use good manners ourselves. Modeling appropriate behavior is a great way to teach kids things (since they hardly ever take their eyes off of the adults around them, keen as they are to learn how to be adults themselves).

And you know something? I'm a more polite person than I was before I had kids. That's not to say I was a complete you-know-what all the time; I wasn't. But I make more of an effort to find a kinder way to say what I'm thinking than I used to, because I am very aware of the eyes and ears that are paying attention to me. So I'm better at expressing myself now, and doing it in an appropriate way.

So in addition to saying regular things in a kind way (like "Take your plate to the sink, please!"), I also correct myself in front of them, usually for their benefit:

• "Let me think of a kinder way to say that. How about . . . ?"

• "Hmmm....let me try that again."

• "Okay, 'BLAAAARRGGGH!' isn't exactly a good way to say that. How about 'I'm feeling upset now!"

I also model good manners for them when they are having disputes. And I make suggestions about what they could say.

• "I know it's your turn on the computer. Could you think of a kinder way to let her know it's your turn?"

• "What if you try saying 'Please don't touch my projects.' instead of screaming at her?"

• "Could you try again and ask for that crayon back in a polite way?"

• "You could say 'Stop! That's my drawing! Please leave it alone!' "

Sometimes when they're in the midst of some tremendously emotional conflict, they simply can't think of appropriate words to say. So I find making suggestions works well. The kid often stops and says the words I suggested (or similar ones). That's good practice for the next time.

I also explain the effect their rude words have on me, so they can better make that connection:

• "Wow. Normally, I'd be happy to help you, but your rudeness just now makes it harder for me to want to help you."

• "Can you ask me in a way that will make me WANT to help you?"

• "When you speak to me that way, I feel angry and that makes me not really want to make the effort. Kinder words are going to be necessary if you expect to get my assistance."

• "You're not offering me kindness with those words. If you want kindness in return from me, you might start by offering me some kindness in your words."
  

The older children understand that I am not obligated to submit to their rude demands. And I, in fact, do not feel obligated to do so. I am a whole actual person who is entitled to her own rational self-interest. Mommy, yes; servant, no. (No, they don't like this fact, but they do at least understand it. I'm okay with that.)

In the last example above, I used the phrase "offering kindness." The way we've explained the importance of good manners is by comparing it to The Trader Principle. Rational people trade rather than demand or force. Good manners is a way of trading kindness for kindness, rather than demands. This explanation has really helped them understand WHY using good manners is important, particularly with the people you love most and see all the time. (Here's my original post on the subject.)

Also, I don't insist on the word "please." It's okay if you say "Mom, will you help me open this?" in a nice way. Sometimes parents, I've observed, will make a child repeat an otherwise polite request because the child didn't use the word "please." I hate to dispel such a common myth, but "PLEASE" is NOT magic. It doesn't automatically make any request polite (you can say it in an angry way!!!). And it is not necessary in order to make a request polite. I think you can tell whether a person intends to be polite by their tone of voice and phrasing than whether they used one little word. So I place more value on tone of voice and phrasing.


Suggest and Model, Not Insist

Kids copy the adults in their lives (as you are no doubt aware if you've ever used a, um, colorful metaphor in front of a child) and my kids copy our polite manners, too. Now that Sean is speaking (and demanding), I'm beginning to model good manners for him. And I've caught him trying to imitate my manner and my words, and he is only 18 months old. He'll scream "Nooooooo!!!! Mom-MY!" and I'll look at him and say "No, Mommy! I would like to close the door!" in a kind voice. I'm showing him the words to say and how to say them. And sometimes, he changes to "No, Mommy!" and then blathers on in Baby Language in a kind, sing-songy sort of way. He is learning to be polite.

So we do not insist that they say the words. I strongly suggest, and offer words they could say, and refuse to act when I'm being spoken to in an unjust way. But I do not try to make them say the words.

As Miranda mentioned, parents often insist that their children use good manners--apologies in particular is sort of a hot button issue, and we've certainly encountered that from time to time. When Ryan was small, I tried to make him apologize once or twice and then stopped doing that for a couple of reasons.

First, even a small child can see through a false apology. Which is why, again as Miranda noted, parents often make their kids keep at it until a satisfactory apology is produced.

Next, I think it teaches a potentially harmful lesson to the child who is being made to apologize, especially when he doesn't actually feel sorry. You are telling him that it's okay to pretend that you feel something you don't, to say words expressing this because of someone else. It can teach the child that it's fine to evade your own feelings in the interests of others. Faked apologies can also give the victims a skewed understanding of justice (more on that in a bit).

But what to do? When you do someone a wrong, it is just to help right it. And that is something I do think is valuable to teach kids. Apologies are only one way to help right the wrong (and are often necessary but not always sufficient). Well, as a parent, that's when I step in to say the words my child can't, either because he is not actually feeling sorry or because he is also too upset. So I say:

• "I'm so sorry you got hurt!"

• "I'll make sure that we keep that toy away from the baby next time, so that he can't break it again."

• "I'm sorry that this happened, and I can tell Ryan is feeling sorry, too. It's hard for him to say the words right now, so I'm saying the words for him."

• "I'm sorry about that. Here's what I will do next time to make sure that this doesn't happen again."

Because I am feeling genuinely sorry that my kid bopped the other kid on the head with a wooden block (to use a completely non-random example), then I have no problem expressing MY emotions. Justice is served, and the apology is genuine. It's not necessarily ideal, in that the perp is not the one apologizing, but I think a genuine apology from a Mommy is better than a faked one from an unremorseful kid.

I have generally found that the victim is willing to accept a Mommy Apology, although sometimes they won't. Those kids who can't accept a Mommy Apology are always the kids who live in homes where apologies are forced, and the older they are, the less likely it is that they'll accept a Mommy Apology. They feel cheated when the other kid doesn't say the magic words, and I am sorry (no pun intended) about that. When those kids interact with each other, they tend to insist on the fake apology, and then lord it over the apologizer in a mean way. This is most certainly NOT good manners. These kids have been confused about the purpose of a meaningful apology, and have learned to use "I'm sorry" as a way to continue their conflict, not resolve it. When these kids demand that my child utter the words, I'll request that my kid apologize first. If he won't, then I'll apologize on his behalf. If the victim becomes upset that my child won't say the words, I'll explain that I will not insist, repeat my apology, and then try to get things moving on to the resolution stage.

The great thing about not insisting on fake apologies is that when my kids apologize, it's genuine. And THAT knowledge is wonderful! I'd much rather have that (and yes, they do apologize to me) than a phony apology any day.

There have been a couple of times when my kids wronged someone, felt genuinely sorry about what happened, yet felt too upset or embarrassed to utter the words. One event in particular stands out in my mind. Ryan and his friend had had a big blow up over something, and his friend left here, crying. Ryan was in tears and told me what happened (I honestly can't remember what it was though). I asked him if he was sorry about it, and he said he was. So I explained that the just thing to do would be to tell his friend that he was feeling sorry, to tell him that he would not let it happen again. He agreed, but completely freaked out about the idea of doing the actual apology. He was embarrassed and sad and completely overwhelmed with emotion. I let him calm down for a while, and then reminded him that he needed to do the right thing--apologize. He got upset again, and I suggested that I go with him and help. He finally agreed and we went right on over and asked to talk to the boy. When the moment came, Ryan started crying again, so I said the apology while Ryan nodded his head along in agreement, which was the only thing he could manage. And things were resolved.

His friend's mom was a little confused, I think, because she knows we do not force apologies and yet she could tell that Ryan was reluctant to be there. But what I tried (and failed, I believe) to explain to her that this wasn't a faked apology. Ryan's remorse was genuine, and he needed my help to do the right (just) thing, because he valued this boy's friendship. So yes, I insisted that we go over and do the right thing, but when it came to it, I said the words for Ryan because he was so upset. In doing this, I modeled good manners and justice for him, which is one of my primary jobs as a parent--helping them and showing them how to act morally.

So that's how we do manners around here. Thoughts?

One of Those Mornings

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Ryan and I are having some disagreements this morning.

His point: "Why should YOU get to tell me what to do?" (A common theme of late.)

My point: "You are not speaking kindly to Morgan, or sharing the pieces of this toy as we agreed, and messed up her project. Now you are speaking so loudly that Sean will wake up. Morgan gets to share that toy and Sean needs to sleep and I'm reminding you that the others in this house deserve space and sleep."

I think that was a good way to explain it, don't you? And I remained calm, and you know what? He saw my point. Grumpily, begrudgingly, he has conceded my point and is behaving a bit nicer toward all of us and leaving Morgan alone and has quieted down.

I'm writing this post as a reminder to my future self and also as a way to stay calm.

One of the hardest things for me about having more than one child is balance. Being stuck with a nursing baby who is falling asleep, I'm in no position to do "Get Off Your Butt Parenting." Which is very necessary. Kids need to know that what you are asking is important enough that you are willing to stop what you are doing to go over and make sure it happens.

GOYBP means that you don't just say "Stop hitting!" twenty times from across the room. You stand up and walk over and help someone stop hitting. Or start sharing. Or talk about a plan for watching movies. Or help leave the room when they're being too loud.

Sleeping babes are not very conducive to GOYBP. So I'm left with my words--which are effective much of the time. Or I have to choose to let something go. Or sometimes, Sean has to take one for the team when he gets awakened by the ensuing commotion of my handling an issue.

And it's not just sleeping babies (although that's a common thing around here these days). It's a kid who needs comforting because she fell, but someone else is about to do something more harmful and needs to be stopped (teetering on a barstool in front of the freezer, for an example). Or a couple of kids fighting over a toy, but someone else needs help in the bathroom. Or a baby screaming because he doesn't want to be sitting alone on the floor, but there's another child screaming in frustration that her computer game isn't working.

You know, stuff like that. I feel like Keanu Reeves in Speed: Everyone is melting at once, someone needs wiping, the baby just blew out a diaper, the milk has spilled and you yourself really need to pee. What do you do? What do you DO? :o)

It often seems that I have to choose one child's needs over another's, even when they are both legitimate needs. It's hard, because if I've just been through an onslaught of having to make such choices, I feel drained and stressed that I couldn't be everything to everyone at the same time. I know that that's okay--and really, we're all just fine--that dealing with the fact that sometimes you need to wait for Mom and/or solve the problem on your own is a fine thing to learn. But, oh, in the moment--it's hard for all of us!

Thanks for listening. Like I said--this post is mostly for me, for the future. And to help me keep calm and focus on handling things they way I'd prefer to, which I did. And to remind me that this, too, shall pass. :o)

And all is harmonious once again here at the Casey Castle!

On Siblings

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

A week or so ago, I was watching my friend Kelly's 5 year old daughter for a few hours while Kelly went to work. We had another friend and his toddler son over as well--five kids in all! What a crowd!

Livy is like a member of the family--and I treat her as I do my own kids, and she does the same things when she's over here that my kids do. In many ways, she's just another Casey Kid, which is how I think of her. My kids seem to think of her as closer to a cousin or a sibling rather than just a playmate, if how often and the way in which they bicker is any indication. :o)

On this fateful afternoon, I had to disappoint Miss Livy--which I really hate to do since I like her so much--because she wanted a popsicle. We only had 2 popsicles, and 4 kids of popsicle-eating age in the house. Because Ryan and Morgan are prone to battles over the last popsicle (battles in which nobody wins and I want to poke my eye out), Ryan and Morgan understand by now one of our House Rules: "If there aren't enough popsicles to go around, then we need to wait until Mom buys more at the store."

The popsicle-to-child ratio not being favorable, I had to deny Livy's request and she was amazed. But, but . . . her mom lets her have popsicles whenever she wants! I explained that I didn't mind IF she had a popsicle, but that there weren't enough to go around and someone might be sad if they didn't get one. But, but . . . she didn't mind sharing! Which was so kind--Livy rarely minds sharing--it's one of her best qualities. However, I knew that Morgan--and especially Ryan (let's just say that sharing is not something he enjoys)--and possibly our other guest--would mind.

Honestly, if I could have found a way to give her a popsicle surreptitiously, I would have, because I like her a lot and want her to enjoy being here. But Ryan and Morgan have bionic hearing when it comes to the sound of popsicle wrappers. So I explained as best I could, tried to offer alternatives (which she didn't want), and tried not to feel bad for her as she stomped away from me sullenly.

It was at that moment that I realized how different life with siblings really can be. Livy is an only child. At her house, all of the popsicles belong to her--the adults she lives with probably don't mind letting her have the last one, or at least, will rarely engage in a screaming fight over it. :o)

I've heard it suggested that a parent isn't really a parent if she only has one kid. Of course, I don't think that's true at all--raising one child is a challenging endeavor, and certainly doesn't disqualify you from the Parenting Olympics. But raising more than one child--or being a part of a sibling pack--has certain challenges that just aren't present in an only child situation--no matter how often that Only Child has playdates or goes to school or hangs out with the neighbor kids.

Livy gets to go home and be away from her foster siblings, Ryan and Morgan. For Ryan and Morgan and Sean, there is no escape. (Dunh-dunh-DUNNHH!) I know this feeling well, as I was forced privileged to live with my sister and brother for lots and lots of years. My kids get this to an even greater degree than Brendan or I did because nobody is in school. Having siblings versus not--it's not better or worse; it's just different.

As a parent, it's difficult sometimes to balance the needs and desires of each child, but here are some of the things we try to do or keep in mind.


Treat each child as an individual.

This is the main principle, from which all of the others follow. (Let's pause this post for a Monty Python moment here: "You are all individuals!" "I'm not!" Thank you. Now, let's resume.)


Equal and fair are not the same thing.

This is akin to the idea that each American being entitled to equal protection under the law, not equal income or status or number of cars. (Well, that's how it should work, anyway.) An example of this would be: Ryan gets a whole vitamin and Morgan gets half of one. They each get vitamins--that's fair. But since Ryan is larger, he needs a whole vitamin and Morgan's body doesn't need as much.


Provide space for each child.

This doesn't mean that each kid needs to have his own room necessarily, but I think it's helpful to have some individual space--a room, a chair, a cozy spot--where a kid can say "I need to be by myself right now." And then help the other kids move away from the kid who wants space.

My kids do have separate rooms to sleep in, but they usually prefer to be downstairs during the day. (I actually wouldn't mind at all if they all wanted to bunk together--I have a friend whose kids choose to do this). So they can go up to their rooms if they like. Personalized things can be a nice way to designate personal space. The big kids have chairs with their names on them where they often go when they want some downtime. (Sean gets his on his first birthday.) They each have baskets with their names on them--where they can keep their special things, and the other must ask to borrow something from someone else's basket.


Don't force them to like each other.

I've heard the refrain "But I just want them to be friends!" on occasion from other parents. Yes, I would love my kids to be friends, especially when they're adults, but it's unreasonable to expect that they will always get along every second of the day. Over the course of a typical day, the older kids play together about half the time and play apart about half the time, with some of the "together time" spent in a dispute of some sort.

I remember being told, "You really love your sister." or "You should love your sister." It's hard to conjure up feelings of love towards someone who has just wronged you in some way (real or imagined). So of course I felt guilty about not feeling that way. And it's hard for younger kids to understand that you can feel two things at once toward somebody, that you can be mad at someone and still love them. (Which is why it's scary to them when Mom is angry about something--hmmm....epiphany moment!)

What I try to do is point out when I notice them having fun together, or say something like "You two really seem like you're having fun together." I don't do this too much--lest they become suspicious! I also don't force them to play together if they don't want to. If Morgan wants to play and Ryan doesn't, then I'll say something like "I know you're disappointed that Ryan doesn't want to play. Maybe he will later--what would you like to do in the meantime?"


Appeal to their rational self-interest.

When I'm trying to get some cooperation from someone, especially when it concerns a sibling, I try to phrase my request in terms of the child's rational self-interest. For example: "If your shouting wakes up Sean, then it will be harder for us to play our game together, since I'll probably have to hold him." The child who has a selfish incentive to tone down the shouting will be more likely to cooperate than if I had simply said "Your shouting will wake up the baby."

Even when they don't really like it and/or understand, I also point out ways in which we all support each other--in terms of rational self-interest. My kids do activities--and they also wait around at each other's activities. When Ryan balks about taking Morgan to ballet, I point out that she waits for him at taekwondo (and vice versa). Since he wants to continue with taekwondo, a gentle reminder that Morgan waits around for him while he's there will usually mollify him.


Be sympathetic with the trials of having siblings.

Ryan spent the first three years of Morgan's life asking me to return her to the hospital or to find her another family to live with. I am not exaggerating!

Having a sibling can be hard. Nobody asked them if they wanted another child in the family (or two!). It's a situation that is thrust upon them and siblings encroach on your space and projects and pull your hair and always seem to be sitting on your mom's lap. That's HARD. Unlike playmates, you really don't get much of a break from your siblings, what with them living in your house and breathing on your stuff and all.

Of course, there are lots of great things about siblings, too. But I think it's okay to say to a kid "I understand how you're feeling. It's hard having to share mommy with the new baby. It's okay to be upset by that." (And then focus on teaching them how to express that emotion appropriately, for example.)


Teach negotiation skills.

One thing I remember about my childhood is shouting "Mo-o-mmmm!" when my brother or sister did something I didn't like, and I expected my mom to handle our problems. Which she did. And I know she was doing her best to help us.

But the end-result of all of that Mom-interference is that we didn't really learn good ways to resolve our own problems with each other. We looked to Mom to determine the Winner(s) and the Loser(s) and often directed anger at her when she decided against us.

This whole negotiation process is an entire post (or many posts) in itself, so I'll have to delve into specifics another time.


Make special time for each child.

I make a real effort to do something with or for each child every day. Obviously, I'm with the baby a whole bunch these days, so this mostly pertains to the older kids. But I take time to read to Morgan, watch her play her puzzle or computer game, help her spell. With Ryan, I listen to his battle descriptions, watch him review his taekwondo moves, or play a game of chess. I also try to express my regret if the baby causes me to interrupt our activities--although there's a fine line between my saying "I'm sorry we have to pause our game now." and "That baby is always making us stop our game!"


Make kindness an expectation.

You might wish your sister lived somewhere else, but to loudly demand her eviction when she is standing three feet away is not kind. Ryan is able to say to me now "Mom, I'm feeling mad and want to tell you something about Morgan in private." And then we'll go somewhere else and he can express himself and Morgan doesn't get her feelings hurt.

You don't have to play with or even like everyone every second; but you do need to treat them with a modicum of kindness and respect. This goes for everyone who visits, too--friends and family and guests.


Get them involved in caring for a new baby (if they want).

Kids like to help with the new babies, but Ryan was definitely less interested in helping me when Morgan was the baby than Morgan is with Sean. Still, they both love to be involved in Sean's care, and will knock each other down in competition to get him a diaper or get his attention. Ironic, huh?

It helps to point out when the baby is noticing each of them--"Sean sure likes to watch you jump!" Also, if one of the older kids needs me, I'll make a point of saying to Sean "Morgan needs my help right now. Why don't you play with this toy while you wait for me?" I know Sean can't really understand my words--but the other child does, and knows that I won't always default in favor of the baby. (This is easier now that Sean is a bit older.)


There are many more ideas and techniques, of course. And this whole topic--as with each of these parenting topics--could be expanded upon a great deal. And I'm interested in how others handle these issues, too, so please comment!

A valuable reference for ways to handle siblings is Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (They also wrote How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.)

Really, Ryan and Morgan are developing quite a camaraderie these days--lest you think it's all conflict around here--it's not. They spent the majority of the time I've taken in writing this post running around and giggling, taking turns making the baby giggle, or off doing their own things. There were a couple of minor things I needed to remind them about(mostly in the realm of phrasing one's words in a kind way), but they didn't need me too much. They resolved many of their own problems without my help (yay). A very typical morning for us.

For myself, I have to work hard to remember that Livy might need me to explain how we do things. (This goes for our other guests, those with and without siblings, too.) I had mistakenly thought that she understood our popsicle principle implicitly, as my kids do, since they have the benefit of lots of practice. I could have done a better job of explaining my reasons.

And even though I treat Livy as I do my kids, I need to keep in mind that she is not used to having to negotiate things in quite the same way. Well, maybe in the same way, since her parents use the same methods we do, but she doesn't have quite the same stake in the game or have to do it nearly as often!

And I will do my best to make sure we have enough popsicles the next time she comes over to play!