For Highly Sensitive People (and Those Who Love Them)

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I read a very interesting article the other day, courtesy of a Facebook group of which I'm a member. It's called "Highly Sensitive People--Sounds, Smells, and Sentiments."

Apparently, sensitivity (the temperament trait) is not just social measure (as in, sensitive people get their feelings too easily hurt or lack Teh Social Skillz)--there's physiological evidence that shows that sensitive people (like me and Ryan, and possibly Sean) have more sensitive neurological systems (emphasis in original):

High Sensitivity and Introversion: Introversion is no longer "low sociability."

Modern personality researchers have done hundreds of studies on the personality traits of introversion-extroversion.

Early research treated it as a measure of sociability, later research looked it more generally as a physiological measure. The studies concur that introverts are:

    * More physically sensitive

    * More sensitive to stimuli and stimulants

    * They process information more thoroughly

    * They prefer to reflect before acting

    * More reflective when given feedback

    * More vigilant in discrimination tasks

    * Slower to acquire and forget information due to their deeper processing into memory

Greater sensitivity is found at all levels of the nervous system from sensitivity to pinpricks, to skin conductivity to faster reaction times

And even MORE interesting is this statement (emphasis in original):

Some highly sensitive individuals are still extroverts!

Usually these are people who have grown up in supportive extended families where social interaction was a source of comfort and the family "ran interference" protecting them from over-stimulation and anxiety until they had the skills to manage the world themselves.

They still typically report needing a lot of "down time" to recuperate after social encounters.

So sensitivity and introversion do not necessarily go hand-in-hand, though they often do.

I find this especially fascinating as Ryan seems to have become more extroverted over time. There was a time when I really worried that he'd be painfully shy, that he'd never want to talk to other people--kids or adults (I know), that he wouldn't learn how to interact with others appropriately, that he'd always hide behind my . . . well, I rarely wear skirts, so we'll just say jeans instead.

To add to my concern/distress over this (during his first four years or so), I encountered many, many people who did not (or could not) understand him. Doting grandparents (Ryan is the first grandkid on both sides of the family, and first great-grandkid on 3/4 sides) tried to connect with him, and were rebuffed time and time again. It upset them and confused them, I think.

They wanted desperately to play with him and talk to him and touch him--he wanted none of those things from anyone except me and Brendan. Many of our family and friends tried erroneously to "push" themselves into his space and his life, as if forcing the issue with him would make it happen. It did not, and in fact, made things more stressful for Ryan, for me and Brendan, and for them.

It wasn't just noise or touch either. He'd cry when he heard slow, sad songs. The first time I noticed this, he was less than a year old. Later, the teacher of our mommy-and-me music class noted that he cried any time he heard a song in a minor key (and it's still true today--he won't listen to anything in a minor key, especially if it's slow). It took him forever to warm up in a new situation--he preferred to observe and observe and observe, often not joining in a playdate at all, or not until the very end. It took him--and my fellow homeschooling moms at co-op will attest to this--MONTHS before he would confidently go into chess class without me.

A few people believed Ryan's reluctance to be touched, his amazing intolerance to loud noises and weird textures, his refusal to play with toys that flashed bright lights or made loud noises, the fact that he really didn't enjoy Day Out with Thomas (heaven-on-earth for most 3-4 year old boys) the one time Brendan took him . . . all of these things and more . . . led a few people to believe we were "sheltering" and "overprotective" and "controlling." Sigh.

So yes, especially in the first 4, maybe 5 years of his life, Ryan was on the track toward introvertedness (introversion?). But that's changed, and I think at least in part, that change has come about because Brendan and I have taken especial care to respect his sensitivity. His sensitivity is CHALLENGING. Ryan is not an easy kid in many ways, and yes, it's seriously trying at times, to have a kid "who is old enough to know better" freaking out at strange lights or sad music.

But we have taken care to send him the message: "Hey, this is a part of who you are. It makes you a neat person. We know that sometimes your sensitivity makes things hard to deal with, and it's our job to help you manage your sensitivities in an appropriate, rights-respecting manner."

What has this meant? It meant that we left "Touch a Truck," a super-fun event in the next town over where all kinds of peopleguys and their peopleguy equipment are parked in a big parking lot for everyone to go and touch and climb into and try out. Sounds like a perfect event for Ryan, no? It's beyond loud, all those sirens going off, and horns. Lights, too. It was overwhelming and horrifying to him, so we left.

It has meant that when we had a fun day taking the train into the city with Kelly and Livy (Morgan was a little baby at the time, so Ryan would have been about 3.5), I had to put the baby in the stroller, and hold Ryan on my lap, helping him hold his ears because the noise of the train was too loud. He didn't freak out, but he needed help managing and coping with this overstimulation. Thankfully Morgan didn't seem to care. Livy, as I recall, was climbing all over the place, completely unaware of the "loud" train (I didn't even notice the noise of the train until Ryan got upset).

It's meant that I've interjected myself between Ryan and other kids, and Ryan and other adults (strangers, family, and friends) when Ryan was becoming overwhelmed by invasion-of-space issues, touches, being scooped up without warning. I have helped him learn to say "No thank you. I need some space right now!" and I have said to others "Please put him down." or "He needs my help right now, thanks anyway." I have seen their hurt and confused expressions and I have done those things anyway.

I have cultivated a level of patience with this that I never knew could exist in my character (I am fundamentally impatient), and spent hours talking to him, explaining, teaching him coping skills and words to say, figuring out when to support him and when (and how) to gently tell him that it was time to try something on his own.

I have questioned myself and our parenting, our temperaments and styles, more times than I can count. Should I have forced him to go to chess class without me? Why doesn't he want to go on sleep-overs? Will he ever leave home? Why can't he just deal already?

But he can't, not without help, and I understand that most of all.

So many times I've heard the same thing: someone telling me "You're too sensitive!" or " Stop being so touchy." I couldn't walk down the laundry detergent aisle at the grocery store because the smell was overwhelming and nauseating (I can still hardly stomach it, though I'm a grown up and thus must suck it up cope). Couldn't stand to be touched by people I didn't know. In large noisy crowds, I can barely think or breathe (remind me to tell you about how I'm never ever EVER going to Taste of Chicago ever ever EVER again). I can't stand to have too many noises going on in the background (though having a few kids will help a person learn to get over that to a certain degree).

I need space, a certain measure of quiet, nobody touching me. Dude is just like me. :o)

It's taken me YEARS to get more in touch with my extroverted abilities--and I will be the first to admit I'm not a super-strong introvert. I spent my teens and twenties on purpose hiding from situations that would overwhelm me. I've spent my thirties learning how to go out into the world and cope with situations that overwhelm me. I am definitely happier now that I can cope.

Ryan has matured out of many of his specific sensitivities--or maybe he hasn't matured, but has managed (I hope with our help) to learn how to cope with overwhelming stimuli in a more responsible way. He is still apt to become overwhelmed, hates sad songs and movies, complains more than the others about smells or sounds. He still needs "downtime" after lots of big situations, but nobody meeting him today could call him "shy." He is confident and talkative, and he is managing his sensitivities much better than I could at his age. 

So I hope that Ryan will feel happy that he has learned how to cope, too, happy that we helped him learn to cope, that we were (mostly) patient with his sensitivities and (mostly) understanding. And that introvert or extrovert, I hope he knows we love him more than a little for this wonderfully challenging interesting aspect of his personality.

PD Tool Card: Routines

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

In our most recent Family Conference, we used the problem-solving portion to create a Routine Chart for bedtime. The experience of creating and using it has been somewhat straightforward and predictable--and has also yielded some surprising (to me) information about one of my children.

Most parents are familiar with the need for routines and many of us use them outside of parenting, too. As someone who loves to know what to expect (I'm a "J" on the MBTI test, if you're into that sort of thing), I tend to enjoy routines: creating them, using them, wearing them like old fuzzy slippers. Love. 'Em.

Other people I happen to live with (coughcoughBrendancoughcough) tend not to love the formalized routines so much. But I submit that even those crazy wonderful people use and benefit from routines--they just might not know it, or care about it as much, or not get all excited to see a routine delineated on a big white chart with colorful markers.

By the way, I distinguish routine from schedule. A schedule is an activity (that could be part of a routine) that needs to occur within a fairly tight time frame. Routines are more general, and somewhat more flexible. Before I was beaten down by learned how to relax a bit let go of my perfectionism had three kids, I was a big believer in schedules-with-a-capital-S. Now I'm a lot more fun and chill, and a whole standard deviation's (or two) worth less obsessive, I leave the scheduling to people who run movie theaters. I prefer routine over schedule, especially when it comes to children (because nothing will make you learn how to not worry about what time something happens like having children, especially more than one!).

And it so happens that there is a Positive Discipline Tool Card for Routines!

The card says: "Help children create routine charts to encourage responsibility." And lists the steps to making an effective routine chart.

The first step is the most important one if you want that "encourage responsibility" portion of the program (and I'm supposing that you do): "Create routine charts WITH your child." I will speak from experience as a parent, and remembering from childhood, that nothing gets a person less interested in a chart than one that's presented to him as a done-deal. Even now, if you gave me a list of things to do--even if I knew it was my responsibility to handle those tasks (such as for the AOS or work around the house)--I'd be irritated and resentful of your bossing me around. And guess what? So are my kids!

We also created a Bedtime Chart, but this process can be used for many different types of routines. Our bedtime process was all over the place--literally and figuratively. It's still my responsibility to get Sean down to sleep, and his routine is necessarily different from the older kids. Even where the routines overlapped--they all three need teeth-brushing, for example--there was no consistency in remembering (on my part or Brendan's) and no easy way to figure out who had done what. Basically it's been too chaotic and unorganized for the likes of me. (I suspect everyone else wasn't as bothered by it as I was.)

So what we did at our Family Conference is worked together, all of us (except Sean who keeps milking that "I'm a Toddler" excuse for all it's worth). I actually got out a large easel pad, similar to the type I use in parenting workshops with Kelly, and my fancy-schmancy Mommy Markers (fascinating to the children as I selfishly reserve them for my own projects and do not lend them to others). I explained the process, and we all brainstormed the things that needed to get done before bed.

This is what they came up with (in no particular order):

• Brush Teeth
• Put on pajamas
• Read a story
• Big Hug and Kiss from Mom and Dad
• Tuck In

We were missing what (in my opinion) is a very important step, so I suggested Use the potty. Oh yeah! Good one, Mom! And hence, one of my ulterior motives for this routine chart was addressed.

Next came my other two motives: Wash face and hands (because holy smokes, that needs to be done on occasion), and Pick up clothes and toys from bedroom floor. THIS was the Big One, as I'd spent much of the previous day arguing and negotiating helping Ryan declutter and organize his room. Now I have loudly and often proclaimed my low housekeeping stands, and I stand by them (or over them, rather--they're that low). But his room had devolved into such a ridiculous state that I couldn't stand it one more second. I knew that one way to help prevent future problems would be to have him pick up his toys and clothes at least once a day, and I suggested this as part of the bedtime routine.

Once we'd all agreed that yes indeed, these were things that could be done and should be done and would be done, I rewrote everything nice and neat, and then Morgan and Sean colored and decorated it (Ryan didn't want to help). We agreed to try it for a week and then talk about how it goes at the next Family Conference. We also agreed on a general time frame for the routine to begin--not a set-in-stone schedule, but a general thereabouts. Our household is probably much more flexible on this point than most. I'd venture to say that if the kids were in school, or were starting school soon (as in next week), then our routine might need to begin on schedule, to make sure everyone got enough sleep.

So we tried it. As expected, Ryan resisted and tested whether or not we were serious about this. One night he protested and fought for so long there was no time for a story (and no patience either). But after that, it hasn't been such a problem. We kept referring him back to the chart (see Step 4: Let the routine chart be the boss.) We also didn't hesitate to remind him that he'd agreed to use it (another great reason to get the child's involvement in the procedure). He understands the fundamental nature of contractual obligations, and though angry, did not deny the justice of our position.

But the surprise has been Morgan. Each night, she goes upstairs (we stuck the chart on the wall outside the bathroom), reads each step carefully, follows the directions, runs back, reads the next step, etc. This is surprising to me because it's such a Jenn-like thing to do. :o) She is so much like Brendan, that sometimes I forget she came from me, too! This child seems to take an especial satisfaction in knowing what's expected, having it written out in a clear way, and it seems as if she gets a sense of completion and pride from having finished all of the steps. The first night she was so excited that she began the routine about 15 minutes early!

This is wonderful because she is taking that responsibility I wanted her to, being independent, and she is experiencing pride in her accomplishment. Which, incidentally, is connected to Step 5 above: Do not take away from feelings of capability by adding rewards. Pride in accomplishment is an end in itself. If she were focused on winning a reward (a sticker or extra 5 minutes of story time), it could easily distract her focus from an independent first-handed feeling of pride.

This is also wonderful because I have struggled and struggled with figuring out how to help her follow processes with multiple steps. Those who know her in person are familiar with the fact that you can't give her more than two instructions verbally if you want half a chance that she'll follow the instructions. Sometimes I wouldn't place a bet on whether she'd follow an instruction with ONE step! Could it be that all we have to do is write the steps down together? Does she just not hear things? Is she primarily visual (that's me)? Does making this into a fun project with Mommy's taboo markers simply get her full undivided attention? I'm not exactly sure which factor it might be (or all of them?). Doesn't matter--we'll definitely be trying this again!

Have you ever used Routine Charts with your kids (or spouse, ha ha!)? How did they work for you? Any enlightening moments, such as my Morgan Revelation?

A routine chart--a handy way for everyone in the household to understand and agree on responsibilities, and a wonderful way to reinforce a few of the virtues, too. :o)

Podcast #5: Free Range Parenting

Hooray hooray hooray! Podcast #5 is up! (Click here to go to the podcast website to download it directly to your player.)

This time, we have:

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): Dealing with pointless bickering

• Topic: Free Range Parenting (begins 4:26)

• Q&A: Childhood Fears (begins 18:45)

One thing we forgot to do was mention Lenore Skenazy by name! (Lenore, should you ever happen upon this post and podcast, sorry!) She is the woman who kicked off the Free Range Kids movement (is it a movement?). Her website is: http://freerangekids.com. Her book is called Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry).

We also talked about a wonderful book by Gavin De Becker, which has great common sense ideas for teaching kids to be safety-conscious (without freaking them out unnecessarily). His book is called Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane).

Thanks for listening!

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Podcast #3: Why Non-Punitive Discipline?

And this process is becoming slightly easier! Hooray! A million thanks to Brendan for his work. We had a few technical wrinkles to smooth over (hopefully the final wrinkles), so this week’s podcast is a little simpler in production.

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): A child models correct behavior for another child, FTW!

• Topic: Why Non-Punitive Discipline/The Ambassador Analogy (begins 3:42)

• Q&A: Celebrating Holidays as non-religious parents (begins 12:55)

We hope you enjoy! See you next week!

Note: You can play it here, or you can go to our Podbean site and download it directly to your iPod or other player. Turning these into iTunes files is on our list of Things To Do, but it'll still probably be a while before we get to that step.

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More Parenting Through Literature

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Today has been a good day on the parenting front. I am in that magical carefully-considered-defined-introspected-and-worked-hard-to-cultivate Zone where no matter what happens or what spills, I am able to handle the incident in a kind, gentle, firm, guidance-oriented way. Especially considering that we have Deadlines and Tasks and other Capital-Lettered Words that us Type A-types seem to be concerned with looming up. Look at me--growing as a person here. :o)

It is much easier for me to remember to be a playful parent when I'm in that Zone, and when I remember to be playful, we all have fun (imagine!) and I'm able to sustain that Zone-y feeling. But if I lose that Zone-y feeling (sing it with me! "You've lost that Zone-y feeling, wooooah that Zone-y feeling . . . !), it's so much harder to keep my parenting goals and tools at the forefront of my consciousness.

Here's an example of how I awesome I've been today--after soccer, we all came home and rested and had a snack and cooled down a little while. Then it was time to do some cleaning up for our guests who are arriving tomorrow. (Because even I have housekeeping standards. It's true.) Ryan volunteered (!) to clean the bathroom surfaces, window and mirrors, so I sent him off to do that, armed with supplies.

Morgan, as my regular readers will know, is a reluctant worker when it comes to household chores. Also, it's extremely difficult to get her re-focused away from what's going on in her head and onto any particular thing I need her to do in general. She indicated an interest in wiping surfaces (these kids love anything that involves wet wipes or Windex and paper towels). I was cleaning the kitchen, and knowing I should keep her near me so I could help her stay on task, I suggested she wipe down the pantry door and all of the cabinets and drawers. Because, they're all pretty nasty, to be perfectly honest.

She happily obliged. After spending about 2.5 minutes wiping the door, she wandered away. I called her back with "Hey Morgan! Wow, that door sure is white where you cleaned it! Come finish the rest and make it match!"

She came back, cleaned for another minute, then drifted off again.

Me: "Morgan, I can tell you've worked so hard on this door. I can't believe how close you are to finishing it. I knew I could count on you!"

She perked up at this--I know that she LOVES it when we give her responsibility and notice how well she's handled it. Really, all kids like this as far as I can tell, but she especially enjoys this now that she's reached the ripe old age of five. She came back and said, "Just you wait, Mom! I'm not done yet!" And then she finished the door.

In the meantime, Ryan kept dashing into the kitchen with "casualties" from his battle (used up paper towels from the Battle of the Mirror, apparently). :o)

So I was all proud of myself for being encouraging (yet not praising with a vague "Good job!" or "Good girl" or "You're the best daughter ever!") and keeping my temper and NOT saying things in a mean voice like "You haven't finished yet." or "Come back here!" or "Why do you keep leaving? Don't you see you're not done?" or anything else similarly discouraging. I was teaching her some real jobs and taking the time to show her how to do them. And she really stepped up. Seriously, this child is typically nearly impossible to get any real help out of, she really is (ask Brendan or Kelly!).

After a while, Ryan had finished his jobs and Sean was becoming crazy annoying something of a hindrance to the cleaning process. So I assigned Ryan to play with Sean, which in a household with a toddler is considered an actual real job (at least in our household).

Somewhere along the way, I noticed something and said:

"Hey Morgan, this is just like in Little House on the Prairie. Ma and one of the older girls working and doing chores and the other older kid playing with the baby."

Again, I probably would not have thought to say that if I'd been stressed out task-focused grumpy-because-the-house-is-a-mess-and-I-never-get-any-help Mommy. And somehow it was the perfect thing I could have possibly said.

Every task after that was "Ma! Look how I'm cleaning this table! Just like on the prairie." and "I wonder when Pa is coming home from work." and "It sure is a Big Job to keep our house tidy when we live on the prairie!" and "Won't Nonnie and Uncle Tim just love to visit our clean house? When will their covered wagon arrive tomorrow?"

She made me call her Laura and we've been referring to Sean as Carrie for the last few hours. Ryan has somehow managed not to say something disparaging once about being referred to as Mary (it's possible he hasn't noticed and I'm not eager to enlighten him just yet). It was so easy and FUN to finish up our cleaning (and we're not really finished yet, just taking a break).

When I sat down to rock the baby, she sat near me and asked what Laura might do when Ma was with the baby. I suggested that the real Laura might have played with dolls or worked on sewing or read a book. She decided to read a book and then went and got a stuffed dog (renamed Jack in honor of our game).

Fun day. A nice reminder to me that Parenting in the Zone makes it easier to stay in the Zone, and to make sure to include Morgan and give her responsibilities. I need to keep noticing when she steps up, and we need to have FUN.

Now I'm wondering what I should add to our reading list next, since this Parenting through Literature things works so well around here. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer? We have some painting that needs doing. What else?