Fears

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

My kids have been experiencing a resurgence of fears lately. It's a challenge for a parent to help their kids manage their fears in a rational way, and I'm learning that this becomes more challenging (for me) as the kids get older.

Sean is currently in the throes of developmentally age-appropriate separation/stranger anxiety. This happens because he has finally understood that he and I are separate people and his memory has developed to the extent that he can remember me when I'm absent. And since Mommy is the Source of All Goodness in the Universe, it means he freaks when he can't see me. This is difficult for both of us, but I also know it's a normal stage for appropriately attached toddlers to go through. Each child has experienced it differently in terms of intensity and duration, but the symptoms are generally the same: there is a toddler up my butt at all times.

I'm encouraged though--the symptoms seem to be easing just a bit. I'm often able to be in a different room from him for up to 3 minutes before the freak. He is fine with the babysitter (after the initial shock of course). He hung out with Kelly for a good 45 minutes at the farm the other day and did just fine. She said he kept looking for me, but didn't get sad. It helps that he knows her so well, but even a few weeks ago, this might not have been such a pleasant experience for either of them!

Morgan's fears are more sophisticated and imaginative. For her, it boils down to one thing: demons. Yes, we're very clear with her about the fact that demons are pretend. But really, it doesn't matter--even though she knows they aren't real, she fears the idea of them all the same.

It's interesting that she can handle other things that you might imagine would scare a child of 4.5. We've recently seen the firstand thirdIndiana Jones movies. None of the face melting or crumbling into dust seemed to bother her in the least. I was about 10 when I saw the face melting and was thoroughly traumatized. And just so nobody is worried--we watched these movies with the kids slowly over the course of several days, taking breaks when things became worrisome, and talking with them about what happened. We tend to do that when they want to see something that we think might be hard for them to handle intellectually or emotionally. (We also don't initiate such things--I'm not in a big hurry to have them watch Indiana Jones, especially. This was a request of hers that we decided to honor, in a way in which we could observe her and support her if necessary.)

The way we handle fears of imagination is generally to provide lots of comfort during the upset times, remind them occasionally how pretend the thing is, and we also fight fantasy with fantasy. I think one key component to getting over any kind of fear is feeling somewhat in control of the situation. Sometimes, it's enough to have control over avoiding your fear. Sometimes, you need to be more proactive.

Hence, Demon Spray. Before Morgan goes to bed, if she expresses concerns about the demons in her room, we give her a small spray bottle with water in it. We told her, "Well, you know demons are just pretend, right? But you're still scared and I understand. Why don't we pretend this bottle is filled with Demon Spray? Demons hate getting wet and they hate Demon Spray most of all! So you just spray this around your room and those demons will stay out!" This makes her feel better, it really does.

By the way, demons also hate flowers, My Little Pony, Hello Kitty, pink walls, purple polka dots, purple curtains, stuffed dogs of any size or color, and butterflies. Isn't it nice that her room is so thoughtfully set up so as to discourage demon activity? We even gave her one of our little gargoyles to guard her room. He sits in her window, just triple-dog-daring any demons to get in there.

Ryan went through a similar thing with pirates at her age. Pirate Spray and room decor did the trick. I know this phase will pass for her . . . eventually.

Ryan's fears are more sophisticated still. He's always been a cautious sort, a worrier, and he's always had a hard time with separations. It was weeks before he'd walk into chess class confidently and without a pep talk/limit setting by me.

Now he's really beginning to get caught up in Real Life Fears. He freaked out at the fact I send in our homeschool paperwork once a month. Why do I need to do this? What do they need to know this stuff for? Why do they make silly laws? What will happen if I don't send in the papers? How can we get them to change that law? Can we do that NOW?

Don't get him started on Obama or taxes. He hears us talking, and hears our opinions about such things. We no longer have satellite television, and only rarely listen to news on the radio. Which is good, because we'd certainly have to give those things up now. As it is, Brendan and I need to be more guarded about how we talk about political issues.

I think it's fine for us to give him information and tell him our opinion about them. But we need to try to be more matter-of-fact in how we talk about politics and I think we need to try to do it less frequently. He just doesn't have the full context or maturity to understand what we're talking about, yet he's bright enough and imaginative enough to be able to draw amazingly accurate conclusions. Which he then worries about. And yet, I don't want to censor myself completely, or shelter him completely, but there's a fine line here that I'm still trying to locate.

And last week, our car got broken into. :o( What happened was that some person(s) went down our street early in the morning, testing car doors. Many of our neighbors had stuff swiped out of their cars. I had forgotten to lock the van door the night before, due to a late-night grocery store run, and our GPS was stolen. Brendan's car was locked, which was a good thing, since his computer was in it!

This event could not have happened at a worse time for Ryan developmentally. I was irritated about the loss of our GPS, but other than the fact that it had all of our addresses programmed into it, I'm not terribly upset. And we're really more careful about locking our doors, of course. But the fact is, it's just a thing. Things are replaceable, or do-without-able. It is also upsetting to think that someone was in our van, touching our things, especially because we live in a safe neighborhood in a safe suburb. I suspect that it was probably just stupid teenagers. (Brendan is not so sure.)

Ryan is very worried though. I've been letting him lock the cars at night, again, to give him some measure of control over the situation. We often have him help lock up the house at night, too. But Bad Guys have always been an issue with him, and this incident certainly didn't help.

By the way, don't ever ever EVER cross this kid. He is actively calling for EXECUTION as the ideal way to deal with the thugs who took our GPS system. Reminds me of that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where they visited a crime-free planet. It was crime-free because the penalty for any crime was instant death. Poor Wesley Crusher stepped on some plants and that was bad news. This is pretty much Ryan's dream legal system.

The other issue with his fears--and this is very much a Ryan Thing--is that he needs to TALK about them. He worries aloud and fears aloud and dreams up retribution aloud and questions aloud and makes plans and strategies and tactics. Aloud. Until you've gone completely insane.

I talk back (it's very much a Jenn Thing) and usually try to turn the focus around to Things Within Our Control. I often just let him vent, but he tends to get stuck in Worry Cycles (wow is he ever MY child!), and works himself up into tears with his worries. I know that as I've figured out how to better manage my own tendency to worry and imagine the worst-case scenario for any given problem (no matter how small), I personally feel better when I remember to focus on the things in my control. So that's my tactic--but I'm looking for more ideas!!!!!

We've altered how we do things around here because of his lengthy, vicious Worry Cycles. We used to have to prepare Ryan waaaaaaay in advance for any changes--leaving to go somewhere, a class, a babysitter, even a visitor. He needed time to prepare himself, to imagine what might happen, to ask questions and get answers, and to talk and talk and talk and talk about it as he processed the anticipated change.

Now, because of this new phase he's in, we do the complete opposite. We now give him very little time to adjust to a change. Babysitter coming tonight? Tell him 5 minutes before she shows, or maybe when she knocks at the door. If he asks, we answer him honestly, but we don't dwell on the subject. Going to the park, let's go NOW! Leaving the park--time to GO! Chess class coming up? Don't mention it until we're loading up into the car to go to class. Taekwondo sparring night? Time to get dressed and GO!

This has been a difficult change to make because I'm so used to providing him with a lot of lead time. But when I remember to do it, it's made our transitions much easier on all of us. In fact, I just asked him about this, and he agrees that he'd rather know about things right when they're about to happen instead of having lots of time to think about it. When asked why, he said "Because I'm good at guessing things. But sometimes I guess things that make me worry." Yup. And that's pretty good self-awareness for a 7.5 year old, isn't it?

I know that eventually, his brain will mature and he will be better able to handle his fears. I think the best thing to do is help him find strategies for coping with his fears and to try to reassure him that he is safe and that we will keep him safe.

More ideas?

By the way, for a great discussion on a related topic--death--check out the OGrownups list! Diana shared what she wrote on that thread here. You don't have to be an Objectivist to lurk on the group (although you do if you'd like to post). I've enjoyed the discussions on this list--very thought-provoking!

He Amazes Me Again

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I have such great kids. Have I ever mentioned that? :o)

As I wrote yesterday, our friends and next door neighbors suffered a loss over the weekend. Our friend lost his father; his kids, their grandfather ("Paw-Paw"). It was unexpected and we're all very sad. He was a very nice, friendly man. Brendan and I have known them--and him--for 10 years.

Today was the visitation and I went to that in lieu of the funeral tomorrow. (Brendan will represent at the funeral.) I had planned to go by myself--well, my shadow comes with me everywhere, since he's rather attached to me (being that source of food and all), so going somewhere with just him is the same as going somewhere by myself these days. When Ryan heard about this plan, he told us plainly and in no uncertain terms that he wanted to go with.

Well, why not? He knew Paw-Paw, too. I thought it over and decided that I'd rather Ryan go to the visitation than the funeral. The visitation would be less formal, less intense, and less religious (which means slightly fewer questions for me to answer). And of course his buddies (A and his little brother, H) would be there, too. Brendan had to consider it a little longer, but he agreed to the plan.

So I talked it over with Ryan, explaining what a visitation was, what he would see (it was open casket), how to behave, how to speak quietly (his voice tends to carry), how this would not be a good place to run around with his friends, how this was a serious occasion, how he might see people being sad. And I mentioned a few hundred more times about being quiet and not talking too much.

In fact, when I mentioned the open casket, I thought that he might decide to stay here with Brendan. Nope! If anything, it made him more excited to go. Which made me a wee bit nervous. Those of you who know Ryan in real life (and those of you who've gotten to know him through this blog) understand my trepidation. Ryan is full of wonderful, bright, curious honesty, one of his greatest qualities. But he's also six, and when you're six, there's such a thing as too much inquisitiveness and too much honesty and too much talking. Tact, evidently, is a skill that must come later in life. :o)

For you Buffy fans, imagine bringing a newly un-demonized Anya Jenkins to an event like this. Yup.

I could not have been more impressed with him. He picked out a brand new shirt to wear because he wanted to look "fancy." He was patient on the long car ride. He helped me get the baby situated in the stroller and held the door open for me. When we went into the visitation room, he walked right up to A and said, "I'm sorry about your grandfather." Whereupon A corrected him and said that Paw-Paw was his Grandpa, not his grandfather (which is a normal sort of interaction for these guys). Then they started looking at Star Wars cards that their dad gave them.

In talking with A's mom, I learned that A had refused to go up to the casket and was very, very upset. Not that I blame him--I was completely freaked at my grandmother's funeral and wanted to be swallowed up into the earth when I saw her in her casket--and I was nearly thirteen. This little guy isn't even six yet.

A's mom asked Ryan and A and H if they wanted to put little flags in the casket (since Paw-Paw was a veteran of the Korean War) and Ryan said, "Sure!" He took one, marched right on up there, put the flag in the casket, said, "Goodbye, Paw-Paw" and his friend A went with him and left his flag, too. It was a moment, if you understand my meaning.

I think it really helped A, having his friend there. Of course, this whole thing was a million times easier for Ryan than for A, since it wasn't his grandfather up there. But again--he was so unafraid. I'm glad that his presence made it easier for his friend to go and say goodbye.

After that, whenever he was introduced to the family, he was polite and said "Nice to meet you." or "Hello." or "I'm six and I'm allergic to peanuts." or "I'm friends with A and H." Not too bad, not too bad at all!

This event was a big deal for me, too, not just because I knew and liked this man and am sad for my friends. I had the sense that this was one of those Big Parenting Moments, of not wanting to blow this for Ryan, knowing that how I talked about and acted in this situation would set the tone and example for him in all such future events. I wanted to set his expectations so that he would be prepared for what he experienced today. So that when we experience a death in our own family, he'll know that he can count on us to set expectations and help him through it at that time. And I was nervous because I'm not really good at funerals--and I'm also still just a wee tad eensy tiny bit hormonal. :o)

When my grandma died, my parents did a poor job of preparing me. I had never been to a funeral/visitation before and my mom and dad, so wrapped up in their grief, as well as maybe not wanting to upset me and my sister and brother even more than we already were, told us nothing. So everything was a big surprise and that made it, I think, worse than it needed to be. I think it made them too sad to talk about it and they didn't want us to see them sad. But you know, it's okay to be sad when someone dies. Yes, it can be upsetting for a child to see the adults around him sad--but when you talk about why and are sad together, isn't that better, ultimately? I wish that had happened when I was a kid. My sadness would have had some more of that healing feeling to it, and maybe a bit less confusion.

Along these same lines, we have been preparing both Ryan and Morgan for the impending death of one of our cats. She is very old, very ill, and we are planning to have her euthanized soon. We decided that this week wasn't a good week to do it--she's not suffering, so we have some time. (And we haven't told them about the euthanasia part--I think that would be a bit much for them to get, even as understanding as they are.) Even though she's just a cat, she's a member of our family, and I know this will hit them hard. Ryan and I have talked about, oh, lots of things to do with the kitty's illness. You'd be amazed--or perhaps you wouldn't--to learn that he has many elaborate plans for the kitty's bones. See why I was nervous about taking him today? :o)

I see I have digressed. Lots to think over, and writing it is helpful. Anyway, once again, Ryan has amazed me with his honesty, and I don't know . . . fearlessness is the only word that comes to mind. Good stuff, even in this bad situation. And, as an aside, bringing the baby was a good plan, too--I had lots of people saying how glad they were to see a baby there. (Which is good, since I kinda had to bring him.) I think there is something so hopeful and happy and optimistic about the presence of babies that people who are grieving respond to.

And now, to bed with me!