Homeschool Plans

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Yesterday I sat down with each of the older kids and we made a big list of things they want to cover in our homeschool year, or a Things I Want to Know list. I actually do this with them periodically anyway, but since it feels end-of-summery/beginning-of-schooly to me (even though we don't really follow the official school schedule), I was kind of in the mood to revisit this little project.

I do this with them because I think it's important that the kids have a voice in what they learn--it's one of the reasons we wanted to homeschool in the first place. I want them to get practice and experience in deciding what their values are and going after them, and this is a way we can do that. I still chafe at the word unschooler and really can't quite call us an unschooling family (partly because nobody, including unschoolers, can seem to define the term), but the kids are very self-directed. I view my role as resource provider/guide/chauffeur/perspective-adder/question-asker/context-pointer-outer/connection-maker. We are relaxed in how we do schooly things, and I do not step in their way until and unless they demonstrate that they need guidance or help, which is consistent with my views on discipline issues.

Making a Things I Want to Know list is also a great way for me to get to know them a little better. Even though I have very talkative children who seem to want to fill me in on every single thought they have, there were some surprises on their lists, glimpses into thoughts and ideas that I'd not yet seen or been privy to. So it's fun for me to find out what they're thinking about. And it's also a way for me to give them my ideas on how we can accomplish their goals, so that they see me as that resource/idea provider, and not merely as "Mom." :o)

We're going to do a new thing with these lists, too. After I'm done with this post, I will copy their lists out onto giant pieces of paper and we'll hang them on the walls somewhere. I know for sure that Morgan will love this idea; Ryan, I'm not so sure about, but we'll give it a try. Having their goals posted in a visible area will help the kids keep them, I don't know, present in their daily lives. I made sure to stress that we can add and subtract from the list as necessary, that this is not something they are locked into by any means. Having the lists posted on the walls is a way to introduce them to methods for staying organized (see this interesting link for ways to introduce GTD to children) as well as good practice for keeping track of your goals and pursuing your values.

So you're probably wondering what's on these lists we made, huh? Well, here they are! Each kid's personality really shows, and you can tell what kinds of things they're interested in.

Morgan's List

• Learn German, French, Russian, and Greek
• Chess Class (at co-op)
• ASL Class (at co-op)
• Read more Little House on the Prairie books (as read alouds)
• More read alouds: Harry Potter and Narnia books
• Library Trips
• Writing practice, specifically focusing on holding the pen/pencil properly (she still tends to grip it with her fist)
• DreamBox Math
• Play with math blocks (Cuisenaire rods)
• Dog Art Class (her term)
• Drawing Class (at co-op)
• Piano
• Arts and Crafts projects
• Dog training (we don't have a dog, but we thought we'd read some books maybe)
• Go to the zoo and the park
• Go hiking on mountains
• Independent Reading: Junie B. Jones books, Nate the Great books, Ramona books
• Cooking
• Science Fair (at co-op)

This was the first time I'd done such a list with Morgan, and now I'm wishing I'd done this a year ago. With the exception of me making some specific suggestions for her independent reading books, she came up with all of that on her own. Surprising to me: that her interest in languages extended beyond French (which Brendan kinda sorta knows) and German (which I kinda sorta know); that she actually wants to learn how to hold a pencil properly; and that she wants to go hiking. Cool! And I'm pretty sure we can make most of her goals happen over the next year or so.


Ryan's List

• Use Math Blocks
• Watch Cyberchase
• Money (he means earn some, but that also entails math, heh!)
• Doctoring
• Cooking
• Hunting
• Exploring
• Being a Janitor and a Babysitter (At the same time? AWESOME.)
• Spying
• Detective Work
• Building Models
• Poetry
• Read alouds: Continue with Sherlock Holmes mysteries (a Ryan-Brendan Saturday morning tradition)
• Audiobooks: The Lord of the Rings and The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
• History at our House: European History
• Learn about architecture
• Peopleguy Tours (I'll write about this very soon)
• Filming Movies
• Writing his book about the Atlanta Falcons (for real)
• Writing on his blog and sending email
• Growing plants
• Being a veterinarian
• Learn about liquids (and other states of matter, I guess?)
• Weather Systems
• Grilling (the cooking kind, not the interrogation kind)
• Hike Red Top Mountain
• Go to Civil War sites in Georgia
• Chess Class (at co-op)
• ASL Class (at co-op)
• Robotics Class (at co-op)
• Make a robot to help do stuff around the house (Wow, I'd love it if he can do that!)
• Sewing for Robots (they'll need clothing, apparently, to do all that housework, as opposed to House Elves)
• Science Fair (at co-op)
• Get history books from the library
• Carpentry
• Learn the skills needed to run a good conference (for real, he said this)

As those of you who know him in real life can probably imagine, he rattled this list off at high speed, as if he'd only been waiting for me to ask the question! It's also twice as long as Morgan's, and he could have kept going, only the baby woke up from his nap, so we had to agree that he could add stuff later. His peopleguy focus is very apparent, too. He wants to learn to do Real Things that Real Peopleguys Do. He doesn't want to learn about doctors--he wants to be a doctor. This is how he does. (Anyone have an apprenticeship he can join? He really is a hard worker!) Surprising to me: the desire to be a janitor (but a welcome surprise!); his interest in poetry; that he remembered to add math; and his strong need to know how to run a good conference. He's prepping for his CEO days, I guess.

I really enjoyed making this lists with my kids (but then again, I'm a list-y kind of person), and I already know I'll love being able to see their lists around the house. It will help me remember to take them hiking and go to the library, and it gives me an idea about which movies and documentaries to get from Netflix. Also, I really need to figure out how to turn this peopleguy stuff into a home improvement advantage for me!

I'd love to hear more about how other homeschoolers (and afterschoolers and regular schoolers) talk to their kids about their learning goals. Any good ideas?

Parenting Toolbox: The 3 Rs of Recovery

(from Reepicheep's Coracle)

When I pulled out this card* today, looking for a tool to write about, I knew it was the right one. I love the cards that tell me how to behave because often, that's all it takes for Livy to behave. Amazing how big an effect it has on her when I act like the responsible, mature adult I should be. This card also explains a tool that I can pass on to Livy as a life skill, and I love those too. And last, but not least, I had to use the steps on this card recently in my daily life.

The card reads:

"Making mistakes isn't as important as what you do about them. Use these steps after you have had a chance to cool off.

"1. Recognize the mistake with a feeling of responsibility instead of blame.

"2. Reconcile by apologizing. Children are so forgiving.

"3. Resolve the problem by working together on a respectful solution."

So, in case you guys were not aware of this, I mess up all the time. I set limits that are unnecessary. I yell at Livy. I boss her when I ought to mind my own business. I treat her unkindly or like I'm superior or like she is a bother. I hurry her up when I don't have anything in particular to do. I let lesser priorities get ahead of her.

And, in case you guys were not aware of this, if you generally treat your child with respect and allow her to voice her opinions, she will let you know immediately when you do any of the bad things above. :)

I try to always keep in mind that I am forging a new path, parenting in a new way (not the way I was parented), and mistakes are to be expected. Not only expected, but welcomed as new chances to learn how to behave myself. Not that I want to yell at her. But when I do, instead of kicking myself (mentally or physically), I can be glad that I have seen a flaw in my behavior or thinking and that I have a chance to work on it.

Therefore, my motto: YIPPEE MISTAKES!!

But what to do when you make a mistake with your kids? Here's a list of some of the ways I have seen parents handle mistakes.

1. Hide them. After all, if we want our kids to respect us, we had better appear to be infallible. Everyone who has ever worked for a jackass boss knows that we don't respect people who cannot admit that they are wrong and make amends. We see them as insecure and rigid and dishonest, and they are.

2. Don't even acknowledge the mistake to yourself. They are only kids, anyway, and we can treat them any way we want. We are the adults; we must be right. This is even worse than the first one. At least if you only hide your mistakes you can improve secretly. If you don't even allow that you could be wrong, there is no possibility of change.

3. Blame them on the kid. "Well, I may have yelled, but you shouldn't do that and make me so mad." Also the M.O. of spousal abusers, though at least their victims can leave. Once again, dishonest, but also just mean. And what a terrible lesson to teach, that a child is responsible for other people's feelings and behavior. This means he is his brother's keeper, and even his mom's.

So, as usual, positive discipline has another approach: the three Rs. When we screw up, we can accept responsibility, apologize to the wronged person, and make a plan (ideally, involving the wronged person in the planning) for working on this problem in the future.

Here's an example of how this might work with me and Livy. I can't think of a recent situation when I've used this with her, so I'm making one up, but it could easily happen this way for us.

Imagine Livy happily playing in her room, absorbed in some important and yet invisible (to me) project. I walk in and say, "Okay, I need some help with the dishes." She says, "I'm busy. I'll help later." I say, "Look, I cooked dinner and grew these vegetables and the least you can do is come and help me clean." We end up in a fight because she doesn't want to disengage from her work, and I am stubbornly refusing to butt out. When I realize that I didn't take her work into account or try to be at all flexible about the help I needed (everything had to be on my time schedule), here's what I would do.

1. Recognize the mistake. Thinking in my head, "I hate to be interrupted and bossed too. Her work is just as important to her as mine is to me, and there was no reason those dishes could not have waited 10 or 15 minutes. I should have been more respectful of her time."

2. Reconcile by apologizing. To Livy: "I'm sorry that I just came in here and demanded that you stop what you were doing and help me RIGHT NOW. I should have told you that I needed help and then worked out a time for doing it that was good for both of us." After this, Livy would definitely need to talk with me about it and probably cry a little bit, if it was an intense fight. I wouldn't move on to step 3 until we were actually reconciled, and she felt heard.

3. Resolve by problem solving. Me: "I don't want to act like that in the future, so I'll need to work on it. Any ideas?" Livy: "Don't boss me anymore." Me: "That's my goal, but I need a plan to help me practice and remember. What if you hold up your hand if I start rudely interrupting you so that I can remember not to?" Livy: "Or I could close my door if I am working on something important." Me: "Okay, that sounds good. Then, when I stop to knock, that will help me remember to respect your time. I'll still want to tell you I need help and work out a plan for when you can take a break and help me." Livy: "That's fine. Now can I get back to my project?" Me: "Sure. When can you help me with the dishes?" Livy: "10 minutes?" Me: "Okay, I'll set the timer."

Now, what did I get out of this? First, I got to make amends for a mistake and repair the relationship with a person I value very much. I got to show her that I want to treat her well, which makes her feel better and makes me feel better too. I got to be virtuous; I used honesty (because looking a mistake square in the face is looking at reality), integrity (because I chose to act in accordance with my values), productivity (because parenting is a career and this is the kind of work I want to do in my parenting), and pride (because I was looking back over my behavior to see if it was virtuous). I also got to teach Livy some important lessons, and that is a big goal of mine.

Here's what I think she got out of it: She learned that adults make mistakes, even parents, and that when she is an adult, she will make mistakes as well. She learned what to do when she makes a mistake. She learned that when we bring a mistake to the forefront instead of evading it, both people (the mistake-maker and the victim of the mistake) get to feel better. She learned about how to be virtuous by watching me use honesty, integrity, productivity, and pride, even if she doesn't know their names yet. She learned that it is not okay to boss people around and to misuse power. And she learned that I love her and don't want to treat her badly, even when I sometimes do it by mistake. That's quite a lot from one little mistake from me and a conversation.

Because it is so applicable to every single person in the world, I think that this tool should be considered a life tool or a people tool, rather than just a parenting tool. I used it myself recently with another adult.

I lost my temper and wrote an unfair blog post. Once I cooled down and realized what I did, I used these 3 steps to handle the situation. They took a long time because it was a big confusing mistake, but in the end, they worked in the same way they do with kids.

First, I acknowledged to myself the mistake I had made. And not just that I had made a mistake, but exactly what I had done and why. This first step is really a kind of introspection, where we figure out what happened and admit, to ourselves, exactly what the error was. Next, I apologized to the person I went off on. I explained my mistake to him and told him how sorry I was.

Finally, I made a plan (This time, I did the problem solving alone, since the victim of my mistake was a stranger and not someone I was likely to go off on again.) for how I was going to cool off before publishing blog posts in the future. I thought of what I could do to made amends to him (apologizing publicly and taking down the post) and of what I could do to prevent these kinds of mistakes in the future.

By dealing with my mistake this way instead of one of the other ways I mentioned, I got to be virtuous and feel better and work for my future improvement. My victim got some justice and acknowledgment from me and got the feeling of reconciliation too. This way of handling the mistake was a win for both of us.

Admitting mistakes openly makes some people feel embarrassed and humbled, but I don't think we have to see it that way. When I behaved so badly, I was not acting virtuously. Nothing else I could do afterward would erase that. My choice was in how to handle the aftermath of the mistake, virtuously or not. When we use these 3 Rs, since we are acting virtuously, we can feel the dignity and honor that virtuous action brings us. I may have been a jackass on the day I wrote the post, but I can be proud of the way I handled it afterward, at least.

This is a big lesson I want Livy to take into adulthood: when we handle mistakes rationally, using these 3 Rs, we are help ourselves (the virtues lead to happiness, after all), and we maintain healthy relationships (treating our loved ones with respect). And I think owning up when I make mistakes is the best way for her to learn it.

*You can see Jane Nelson's Positive Discipline Tool Cards here.

More Parenting Through Literature

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Today has been a good day on the parenting front. I am in that magical carefully-considered-defined-introspected-and-worked-hard-to-cultivate Zone where no matter what happens or what spills, I am able to handle the incident in a kind, gentle, firm, guidance-oriented way. Especially considering that we have Deadlines and Tasks and other Capital-Lettered Words that us Type A-types seem to be concerned with looming up. Look at me--growing as a person here. :o)

It is much easier for me to remember to be a playful parent when I'm in that Zone, and when I remember to be playful, we all have fun (imagine!) and I'm able to sustain that Zone-y feeling. But if I lose that Zone-y feeling (sing it with me! "You've lost that Zone-y feeling, wooooah that Zone-y feeling . . . !), it's so much harder to keep my parenting goals and tools at the forefront of my consciousness.

Here's an example of how I awesome I've been today--after soccer, we all came home and rested and had a snack and cooled down a little while. Then it was time to do some cleaning up for our guests who are arriving tomorrow. (Because even I have housekeeping standards. It's true.) Ryan volunteered (!) to clean the bathroom surfaces, window and mirrors, so I sent him off to do that, armed with supplies.

Morgan, as my regular readers will know, is a reluctant worker when it comes to household chores. Also, it's extremely difficult to get her re-focused away from what's going on in her head and onto any particular thing I need her to do in general. She indicated an interest in wiping surfaces (these kids love anything that involves wet wipes or Windex and paper towels). I was cleaning the kitchen, and knowing I should keep her near me so I could help her stay on task, I suggested she wipe down the pantry door and all of the cabinets and drawers. Because, they're all pretty nasty, to be perfectly honest.

She happily obliged. After spending about 2.5 minutes wiping the door, she wandered away. I called her back with "Hey Morgan! Wow, that door sure is white where you cleaned it! Come finish the rest and make it match!"

She came back, cleaned for another minute, then drifted off again.

Me: "Morgan, I can tell you've worked so hard on this door. I can't believe how close you are to finishing it. I knew I could count on you!"

She perked up at this--I know that she LOVES it when we give her responsibility and notice how well she's handled it. Really, all kids like this as far as I can tell, but she especially enjoys this now that she's reached the ripe old age of five. She came back and said, "Just you wait, Mom! I'm not done yet!" And then she finished the door.

In the meantime, Ryan kept dashing into the kitchen with "casualties" from his battle (used up paper towels from the Battle of the Mirror, apparently). :o)

So I was all proud of myself for being encouraging (yet not praising with a vague "Good job!" or "Good girl" or "You're the best daughter ever!") and keeping my temper and NOT saying things in a mean voice like "You haven't finished yet." or "Come back here!" or "Why do you keep leaving? Don't you see you're not done?" or anything else similarly discouraging. I was teaching her some real jobs and taking the time to show her how to do them. And she really stepped up. Seriously, this child is typically nearly impossible to get any real help out of, she really is (ask Brendan or Kelly!).

After a while, Ryan had finished his jobs and Sean was becoming crazy annoying something of a hindrance to the cleaning process. So I assigned Ryan to play with Sean, which in a household with a toddler is considered an actual real job (at least in our household).

Somewhere along the way, I noticed something and said:

"Hey Morgan, this is just like in Little House on the Prairie. Ma and one of the older girls working and doing chores and the other older kid playing with the baby."

Again, I probably would not have thought to say that if I'd been stressed out task-focused grumpy-because-the-house-is-a-mess-and-I-never-get-any-help Mommy. And somehow it was the perfect thing I could have possibly said.

Every task after that was "Ma! Look how I'm cleaning this table! Just like on the prairie." and "I wonder when Pa is coming home from work." and "It sure is a Big Job to keep our house tidy when we live on the prairie!" and "Won't Nonnie and Uncle Tim just love to visit our clean house? When will their covered wagon arrive tomorrow?"

She made me call her Laura and we've been referring to Sean as Carrie for the last few hours. Ryan has somehow managed not to say something disparaging once about being referred to as Mary (it's possible he hasn't noticed and I'm not eager to enlighten him just yet). It was so easy and FUN to finish up our cleaning (and we're not really finished yet, just taking a break).

When I sat down to rock the baby, she sat near me and asked what Laura might do when Ma was with the baby. I suggested that the real Laura might have played with dolls or worked on sewing or read a book. She decided to read a book and then went and got a stuffed dog (renamed Jack in honor of our game).

Fun day. A nice reminder to me that Parenting in the Zone makes it easier to stay in the Zone, and to make sure to include Morgan and give her responsibilities. I need to keep noticing when she steps up, and we need to have FUN.

Now I'm wondering what I should add to our reading list next, since this Parenting through Literature things works so well around here. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer? We have some painting that needs doing. What else?

Parenting Toolbox: Validate Feelings

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

So before I talk about what to do with feelings, what are they exactly?

"Your subconscious is like a computer—more complex a computer than men can build—and its main function is the integration of your ideas. Who programs it? Your conscious mind. If you default, if you don’t reach any firm convictions, your subconscious is programmed by chance—and you deliver yourself into the power of ideas you do not know you have accepted. But one way or the other, your computer gives you print-outs, daily and hourly, in the form of emotions—which are lightning-like estimates of the things around you, calculated according to your values." --Ayn Rand "Philosophy: Who Needs It" from Philosophy: Who Needs It

So basically, feelings are automatic physiological responses to value judgments a person has already made. Feelings can be good clues to figuring out your thinking, but feelings can never replace thinking. Feelings, as automatic responses, are neither wrong or right; only the underlying conclusions can be wrong or right.

So what does this mean about the way parents should respond to children's emotions? One more quote:

"An emotion as such tells you nothing about reality, beyond the fact that something makes you feel something. Without a ruthlessly honest commitment to introspection—to the conceptual identification of your inner states—you will not discover what you feel, what arouses the feeling, and whether your feeling is an appropriate response to the facts of reality, or a mistaken response, or a vicious illusion produced by years of self-deception . . . .

In the field of introspection, the two guiding questions are: “What do I feel?” and “Why do I feel it?”" --Ayn Rand "Philosophical Detection" from Philosophy: Who Needs It

The correct response to an emotion is introspection, asking oneself these two questions. But small children are not yet skilled in introspection, so it should be our goal as parents to model the process for them, both in dealing with our own emotions and with their. First, an example of modeling when dealing with our own emotions.

Today, Livy was playing over at Jenn's house with Ryan, Morgan, and two neighbor boys. The kids were excited and chase each other into the street. I immediately yelled, "Out of the street!" with real fear in my voice. When they were safely in the yard, I told them how scared I was when they went into the street and why. I identified my emotion for them - yelling, big-eyed Mom equals fear - (first question - "What do I feel?"), and then I told them that a car might have hit them (Why do I feel it?). By modeling an identification of my emotion and a reason why I feel it, I am teaching them not only to stay out of the street, but how to introspect.

Now an example of dealing with a child's emotions:

Livy comes running into the house, crying. I go to her and pick her up and ask, "What is the matter, sweetie?" She launches into a story about how they were playing red light green light and Ryan did this and Morgan did this and then that happened and then this happened, etc. I listen until she is done telling me the story, and then I say, "You sound really mad. Are you mad?" Sometimes I am right, sometimes not. Let's say this time she says, "No, I am sad." Then I say, "I can see that are so so so sad." She says, "Yes. So sad. As sad as the whole universe." So now we have answered the first question: What are you feeling? Next, she might (cause she is 6) tell me why she is sad. "Ryan or Morgan or someone else or the universe hurt my feelings by doing X." But when she was smaller, I would say, "Are you sad because Ryan, Morgan, or whoever did X?" Sometimes a yes, sometimes a no, but now she is focused on the second question: Why do I feel it?

If a parent hides his own feelings and the reasons for them, he has denied the child a chance to observe introspection. If the parent tells a child in the grip of an emotion, "Don't be upset. It will be alright." or distracts the child from his emotion or tells the child his emotion is not appropriate, he has denied the child a chance to practice introspection. I believe that preventing children for experiencing, thinking about, and working through their emotions leads to repression.

So validating the child's feelings in the moment means:

1. postponing a rational discussion of the thoughts behind the emotion until the introspection is done. In other words, let people feel what they feel before you start trying to find solutions. This can be especially hard if they child's emotions seem inappropriate or are directed at you. But, emotions are valid, even if they underlying thoughts are not, and so letting the emotion happen before working on the underlying thoughts allows introspection and then problem solving.

2. "not fixing, rescuing, or trying to talk children out of their feelings." -- Jane Nelson A big emotion is a great chance for kids to introspect and to learn that they are capable. They learn that feeling sad or scared or angry won't last forever, and that they can make it through.

3. being present with the child who is in the grip of a big emotion. Emotions, for the child who is still unskilled at dealing with them, can be really scary. Their hearts may race; they may feel out of control; or they might get all sweaty or shaky. It is much easier to do the hard work of introspection when we feel safe and supported. Also, since children are not skilled introspectors, they need a parent to help them walk through the process. I am always amazed that adults expect 2 year olds in time out to "think about what you did;" it is our job as parents to teach them how to do that kind of thinking.

One final thought: I think validating feelings would work wonders for most relationships, not just those with children. How many of us have felt, after telling a friend or spouse about a problem, that we wished they had just supported us and then let us come up with our own solutions? For children, I think it is the same. When they are in the grip of an emotion, they need our support and love while they are feeling the emotion and introspecting about it, and then they can work on their own solutions (probably with our help). By jumping right in to end the emotion and get the problem solved for them, we deny them a chance to be efficacious.

Positive Discipline: What's in Your Parenting Toolbox?

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

One of the interesting things about choosing to use a child-rearing approach that is quite different from the one my parents used on me (and is also different from what many of my parenting peers use), is that I've spent quite a bit of time introspecting, analyzing not only my ideas about parenting, but also my emotions and automatic reactions that I have in difficult parenting situations.

While I certainly wouldn't insist that everyone ought to want to be a parent, I know that I am a different--and better--person today because I did choose to be a parent. My kids have a way of bringing out my best and my worst--and since I really don't like me at my worst, and since I love my kids more than I can possibly come close to describing, I'm extremely motivated to improve.

An idea that I've seen in various Positive Discipline books, groups, articles, etc. is this notion of a toolbox. As a handyman or plumber or other kind of peopleguy has a toolbox full of the things he needs to do his job well, a parent needs a mental toolbox for the same reason. This Parenting Toolbox is full of tactics and strategies for dealing with these new little people and all of their needs and desires. Ideally, the toolbox is full of good tools that are aligned with your values and ideals. Parenting can be a very physical endeavor, especially when they are little and wrangling, wiping, carrying, changing, rocking, etc. needs to be done. But I'm finding that, as the kids get older and those cognitive functions really kick in, the hardest part of parenting is mental.

Because my parents raised me somewhat differently from the way I'm raising my kids, it's a challenge for me. I have ideas in my brain that are the complete opposite of what I'm trying to do here. These ideas and words were automatized when I was growing up--and are in my Parenting Toolbox. I have to work very consciously to A.) Identify them, and B.) Change them if necessary.

Ayn Rand called these "cognitive habits" psycho-epistemology, which, as Leonard Peikoff explains:

pertains not to the content of a man’s ideas, but to his method of awareness, i.e., the method by which his mind habitually deals with its content.

“The Philosophy of Objectivism” lecture series (1976), Lecture 6

There are tools in my Parenting Toolbox that were placed there by my parents. They are tactics and strategies used on me--but many of them are very different from the way in which I am trying to raise my own children.

In order to be the kind of parent I want to be, I'm constantly re-examining my responses to my kids, to make sure that they are in line with my values. And when they aren't, I try to change them. Many times if I'm feeling unhappy with the ways things have been going, it's a clue that I need to sit down and try to identify why I'M behaving the way I am, and think about a different way to behave that's more appropriate.

It's hard for me to put in words my automatic responses to parenting situations, but I'll try. An example of something that I learned in childhood and like and am trying to pass on to my kids might be when they have a question about something. "Let's look it up!" was something I heard a lot from my dad growing up. That is also an automatic response that I have. Honestly, I've sat here about 10 minutes trying to find more examples of things I do use from my childhood, and I can't. I'm not saying that to complain about my childhood, but that exercise was interesting to me. It speaks to how different my values are from those of my parents, I think.

Here are some things that are in my toolbox that I don't like--and the new responses I'm trying to automatize:

Kid says something rude to me.

Broken Tool: "Don't talk back to me!" "Enough!" "Be quiet!"

Better Tool: "I like to be spoken to politely." "Would you like another chance to ask me again without being rude?"


Two kids screaming at each other.

Broken Tool: "Shut up!" "Get out of my face!" "BLLLEAAAGGGGHHH!"

Better Tool: "Sounds like a problem. Can I help?" "Sean is trying to sleep. Can you discuss your problem quietly or should we go to another room?"


Kid questions something I'd like him to do. "Why?" says he (because it's usually Ryan).

Broken Tool: "Because I said so." "Just do it." "You need to do what I say because I'm your mother."

Better Tool: Provide brief explanation.


Any Stressful Situation

Broken Tool: I get bossy and hyper and bark out orders and sometimes yell. :o(

Better Tool: I say, "I'm feeling frustrated here and need to be by myself for two minutes!"


It's so hard for me to use my Better Tools, because some of them aren't quite solidly in my toolbox yet. Some things are almost second nature by now--how to handle standard toddler issues, for example. I have words to say and strategies to use in my toolbox, because I've used them so many times it's become automatic for me to say "No hitting. Hitting hurts." or "You seem like you're in the mood to scream. Would you like to do it outside?" or "Keep your spit in your mouth." Things like that.

But some things are not automatic. Not yet. It's hard for me to say "Sounds like a problem. Can I help?" when I've got my hands full of groceries or baby or we're heading out the door or I'm trying to balance the checkbook. Why? Because in moments of stress, I sometimes revert back to the Broken Tools in my toolbox, because the Better Tools haven't quite replaced them yet.

I have identified a few of my trigger stressful situations. For me, a typical Type A, task-oriented, goal-oriented person, I get really freaking irritated when I can't complete a task. Completing tasks, if you're familiar at all with small children, is really hard to do! (Amy of The Little Things wrote a great post about this particular parenting challenge last summer, that's really stayed with me.)

I know that no matter what I might be doing, I could and probably will be interrupted at any moment. I know this. I know this because it's been happening to me for going on 7 years now (will he really be 7 this spring?). Anything I do must be done as quickly as possible and/or worked around trips to the potty (mine or others), nursing, answering questions, spelling words out loud, changing the movie, picking up, the dishes, the laundry, diaper changing, hair brushing, costume redesign, toy-location, and snacks. And of course, I could be puked on at any time.

I know this--and yet, I still get REALLY annoyed when I get interrupted. Just yesterday, I told myself: "I'm just going to pay these 4 bills online before I move onto the next thing." No sooner did I think such a foolish thing when the baby started fussing and Morgan needed me and the pressure just built and built until I thought I would scream. (I didn't--yay for me.) But it was HARD. I kept telling myself, "Don't yell, don't yell." So what I said instead was "I'm feeling frustrated because I wanted to finish this on my computer!" And picked up the baby. Morgan stared at me wide-eyed for a second and then came to me. So we sat there for a minute and then I asked her, calmly, to play with Sean for a second so I could finish what I was doing. She agreed and I finished and we were all happy.

This, for me, is such a Big Thing. And it may seem silly, especially to you Type B types, but it really is frustrating for me not to be able to complete a 2 minute task. Especially when I thought that the 2 minute window I needed would be available. It's okay for me to be frustrated; it's not okay to yell (and by "yell," I mean lose your temper and scream--a heated voice is appropriate sometimes). I say that to kids all the time: "It's okay to be mad/frustrated/sad. It's not okay to hit/scream at me/walk away."

I struggle with this every day. How to identify my Broken Tools. How to find a way to develop a Better Tool according to my values. Practicing using my Better Tools when I'm calm, so that maybe I'll find the Better Tool poking out of my Parenting Toolbox the next time I'm stressed. And apologizing when I grabbed the wrong tool and said or did the wrong thing. It's a small consolation, but a consolation nonetheless, that at least my kids hear me apologize. (No adult apologized to any child when I was growing up.)

It's an ongoing project, this revising of my cognitive habits, and I'm working on areas of my life other than parenting. But I'm happy to say that I'm getting better all the time.