Positive Discipline Tool Card: Special Time

(originally published on Reepicheep's Coracle)

First of all, let me say that the name of this card, Special Time, kind of makes me want to barf. I don't know why; perhaps one of my X chromosomes is damaged in some way. But I wish it was called "Do something cool together" or "Spend time with the people you love" or even the dreaded "Quality time." But when I can get past the name, I really love this card.

(You can find these cards here, and there's even an IPhone app. The cards are reminders of how many great tools are in our kits that we sometimes forget to use.)

The card says, "Schedule special time that is different from regular time. 1. Take the phone off the hook. 2. Take turns choosing an activity you both enjoy from a list you have brainstormed together. 3. Age guidelines: 2-6 years old - 10 min/day, 7-12 years old - at least 30 min/week, 13 and older - once a month something your teen can't resist."

I love this card because Livy and I are very different. We like to do different things a lot of the time, and though we spend A LOT of time together (ask any homeschooler just how much), it's not always doing something together (not just next to each other) that both of us just love. When we do this, I notice that we talk more, we argue less, and much less discipline is required because it's so easy to be respectful of each other.

I feel like the times might be kind of small, but if I worked away from Livy and if I had lots of kids, maybe I would see that differently.

So what does this have to do with discipline, you may ask? I touched on this above; when we are all filled up with loving each other, we get along better. We have fewer arguments to problem solve about, and we are more willing to help each other with chores and problems.

Focused time for us to be together prevents either of us from feeling left out or overlooked. A lot of poor behavior can spring from the desire to get noticed, to get some attention; check out my post on the Mistaken Goal chart. And not just Livy's behavior either. When I feel left out of her life and like we are growing apart, I get snarky and bossy. This card helps me too! As all positive discipline tools do!

Finally, this card improves discipline because so much of positive discipline has to do with joint problem solving and effective communication. Much of what we do boils down to:

I feel ______ because ________, and I wish ______, followed by trying to find mutually agreeable solutions. Why on earth should either of us listen to the other or care about the other's feelings if we aren't feeling close? I don't stop and use effective communication on random loiterers in the street. If I want this kind of problem solving to work, we have to be highly invested in each other's happiness and moral development.

So what do we do for this special time? Livy loves to fall asleep in my bed at night, and that's a great special time for us. We get all cuddled up, and she just drifts off as we watch a movie or as Aaron and I chat. We go to Whitewater together and do waterslides. We play games, like Yahtzee or Skip-bo. We listen to audiobooks together. And I make sure to let Livy know that these times are really important to me; time spent with her is essential to my happiness, and I want her to know it.

A picture of Livy falling asleep on me, one of the activities both of us love that makes us feel super connected.

Yesterday's Positive Discipline Workshop

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I had such a nice time attending Jane Nelsen's lecture and workshop. I'm still processing the things I learned and the experience, but I have a few initial thoughts I want to write down before I get too busy with floors and children and my mother-in-law's upcoming visit and homeschooling and other projects (aka, "children") that will only serve to deplete my brain cells.

It made such a difference to see Jane in action. I only "know" her from her books and through a few interactions online. She is a very accomplished speaker, and she's FUNNY! Meeting her in person was awesome.

Attending the workshop helped me gain some clarification on what she means when she says that children primarily needs a "sense of belonging and feeling of significance." (Note: I can't find that exact quotation just at the moment, but I believe that is the way she generally phrases it.) Before now, I'd had one of those "kinda sorta" ideas about what she meant, but I couldn't quite identify the concepts behind those ideas. The phrasing sounded nice, a bit lovey-dovey, but I was unable to truly understand what she was talking about.

She said something in her talk that made me sit up and realize that these ideas correspond very well--and in fact, are pretty much the same as--the thoughts that Susan Crawford discussed in one of her lectures (I think), that children need to feel loved ("sense of belonging") and to know that they are important ("feeling of significance"). Again, I'm going from memory here--it's been many months since I most recently listened to Susan Crawford's parenting lectures, so please forgive me if I'm misquoting/misunderstanding here. (And Kelly was the one who reminded me about Susan Crawford's thoughts on this issue, so thanks!)

From their very first days, children need to feel that their parents value them. When Mom & Dad take care of a baby's needs (feeding, diapers, keeping him healthy), that's a way to show the baby how much they value him. And I think that when Mom & Dad begin to show the child how to take care of his own needs, with loving support, that's another way to show him how much he is loved and valued. From these earliest of interactions, a child will begin to feel that "sense of belonging" (to the family, to his parents) and that he is valued (that he will begin to feel "significant"). It is from these first feelings that a child's healthy self-esteem begins to grow. There is a lot of research that shows the opposite, too--that a child who does not feel loved or valued, who does NOT have his needs met--will often develop unhealthy self-esteem, a feeling that he isn't important. Anyway, that's just a few thoughts on this, that certainly could be expanded more significantly in the future, and with citations, too. :o)

What else did I learn or remember at this workshop? I was reminded about how critical it is to understand that children have developing brains. This is hard, because once my kids can talk, they can put on a really good imitation of rationality and understanding, that sometimes they truly just don't quite have, often through no fault of their own. Jane showed us Piaget's "Water Level Task," an experiment designed to demonstrate that children have differences in reasoning skills at different ages. (I learned through searching on the web that there are challenges to this specific experiment, but I've seen this idea demonstrated in other ways, too.)

The point is--the brains of children are constantly developing, and age is a factor in when they can grasp certain logical relationships. I can tell this with Morgan. She is pretty far ahead of her age-peers academically. Yet there are a few types of problems in her math workbooks that she simply doesn't understand--and they all seem to be related to basic logical deduction. In the last month, she has made some kind of cognitive breakthrough and is beginning to really understand these problems. Ryan, on the other hand, requires absolutely no explanation for these simple logic puzzles. Jane reminded us that children under the age of 4 years old simply do not process or understand reasoning in the same way that kids over 4 do (let alone at the adult level). As we head into Unknown Territory with Mr. Sean, and as Morgan is emerging from this stage, I'm going to keep this in mind.

I have a couple of personal action items that I took away from the workshop. The first one is to work on remembering to ASK instead of TELL. We did an exercise where one participant was pretending to be a child, and walked back and forth between two types of parents.

The Telling Parents said things to the "child" like : "Go brush your teeth." "Do your homework." "Don't forget to wear your jacket!" (I'm paraphrasing some of these, going from memory here.)

The Asking Parents said things like : "What do you need to do to keep the Sugar Bugs off of your teeth?" "What is your plan for doing your homework tonight?" "What do you need to wear to stay warm outside?"

Ask yourself--which type of parent would you be more likely to respond to positively? Yeah. Me, too. Not only are Asking Parents less bossy (a problem I have I've heard that others have, ahem), they are encouraging their children's independent thinking by not just handing them answers on a plate. So that's one Action Item.

The next Action Item is something called "Special Time." What this means is that you carve out regular chunks of time to spend one-on-one with your child. This is especially important when there's more than one child in the family, but of course it's probably a great idea for onlies, too. Brendan and I talked about how we are going to do this. A friend of mine and his spouse have semi-regular breakfast dates with their kids (I think they still do this). That's a nice way to get Special Time. We're thinking of doing something similar on the weekends.

Oh, and another aspect of Special Time is that younger children need it more frequently. So a child Morgan's age probably needs some every day. She's actually the reason I want to get going on this. I think Special Time would help both of us feel more connected, and would be a way handle some of my concerns of her being/feeling a little left out of things around here.

There's more, but those are a few of the main things I wanted to write down before they fell out of my head. I didn't get a chance to meet the woman who is teaching the workshop I've signed up for in March, which was a bummer, but I'll meet her soon enough! I did have lots of fun with Kelly and Ansley and met a few other nice people, too.

Brendan and the kids had a rip-roaring time yesterday, too! (Without such a supportive hubby, none of this would be possible. :o) ) It was a little harder on poor Seanie than everyone else, and they did have to stop by in the afternoon so I could nurse him a little (for the benefit of both of us!). But they had a good time, and they all were a bit disappointed that Brendan didn't stay home today, too.

Oh, and here's a funny! On the night of the lecture, Brendan was talking to the kids about where I was and what I was doing. Ryan said "Oh, yes, I know. She's taking a class on how to be a better parent." And then "She really needs it." :o)

And last night he asked me if I was now a Better Parent. And I told him jokingly, "Well, sure. But I thought I was a pretty good parent before this class, too." And he very kindly said "Oh yes, you were. But it's always good to improve!" That's my boy.

On Siblings

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

A week or so ago, I was watching my friend Kelly's 5 year old daughter for a few hours while Kelly went to work. We had another friend and his toddler son over as well--five kids in all! What a crowd!

Livy is like a member of the family--and I treat her as I do my own kids, and she does the same things when she's over here that my kids do. In many ways, she's just another Casey Kid, which is how I think of her. My kids seem to think of her as closer to a cousin or a sibling rather than just a playmate, if how often and the way in which they bicker is any indication. :o)

On this fateful afternoon, I had to disappoint Miss Livy--which I really hate to do since I like her so much--because she wanted a popsicle. We only had 2 popsicles, and 4 kids of popsicle-eating age in the house. Because Ryan and Morgan are prone to battles over the last popsicle (battles in which nobody wins and I want to poke my eye out), Ryan and Morgan understand by now one of our House Rules: "If there aren't enough popsicles to go around, then we need to wait until Mom buys more at the store."

The popsicle-to-child ratio not being favorable, I had to deny Livy's request and she was amazed. But, but . . . her mom lets her have popsicles whenever she wants! I explained that I didn't mind IF she had a popsicle, but that there weren't enough to go around and someone might be sad if they didn't get one. But, but . . . she didn't mind sharing! Which was so kind--Livy rarely minds sharing--it's one of her best qualities. However, I knew that Morgan--and especially Ryan (let's just say that sharing is not something he enjoys)--and possibly our other guest--would mind.

Honestly, if I could have found a way to give her a popsicle surreptitiously, I would have, because I like her a lot and want her to enjoy being here. But Ryan and Morgan have bionic hearing when it comes to the sound of popsicle wrappers. So I explained as best I could, tried to offer alternatives (which she didn't want), and tried not to feel bad for her as she stomped away from me sullenly.

It was at that moment that I realized how different life with siblings really can be. Livy is an only child. At her house, all of the popsicles belong to her--the adults she lives with probably don't mind letting her have the last one, or at least, will rarely engage in a screaming fight over it. :o)

I've heard it suggested that a parent isn't really a parent if she only has one kid. Of course, I don't think that's true at all--raising one child is a challenging endeavor, and certainly doesn't disqualify you from the Parenting Olympics. But raising more than one child--or being a part of a sibling pack--has certain challenges that just aren't present in an only child situation--no matter how often that Only Child has playdates or goes to school or hangs out with the neighbor kids.

Livy gets to go home and be away from her foster siblings, Ryan and Morgan. For Ryan and Morgan and Sean, there is no escape. (Dunh-dunh-DUNNHH!) I know this feeling well, as I was forced privileged to live with my sister and brother for lots and lots of years. My kids get this to an even greater degree than Brendan or I did because nobody is in school. Having siblings versus not--it's not better or worse; it's just different.

As a parent, it's difficult sometimes to balance the needs and desires of each child, but here are some of the things we try to do or keep in mind.


Treat each child as an individual.

This is the main principle, from which all of the others follow. (Let's pause this post for a Monty Python moment here: "You are all individuals!" "I'm not!" Thank you. Now, let's resume.)


Equal and fair are not the same thing.

This is akin to the idea that each American being entitled to equal protection under the law, not equal income or status or number of cars. (Well, that's how it should work, anyway.) An example of this would be: Ryan gets a whole vitamin and Morgan gets half of one. They each get vitamins--that's fair. But since Ryan is larger, he needs a whole vitamin and Morgan's body doesn't need as much.


Provide space for each child.

This doesn't mean that each kid needs to have his own room necessarily, but I think it's helpful to have some individual space--a room, a chair, a cozy spot--where a kid can say "I need to be by myself right now." And then help the other kids move away from the kid who wants space.

My kids do have separate rooms to sleep in, but they usually prefer to be downstairs during the day. (I actually wouldn't mind at all if they all wanted to bunk together--I have a friend whose kids choose to do this). So they can go up to their rooms if they like. Personalized things can be a nice way to designate personal space. The big kids have chairs with their names on them where they often go when they want some downtime. (Sean gets his on his first birthday.) They each have baskets with their names on them--where they can keep their special things, and the other must ask to borrow something from someone else's basket.


Don't force them to like each other.

I've heard the refrain "But I just want them to be friends!" on occasion from other parents. Yes, I would love my kids to be friends, especially when they're adults, but it's unreasonable to expect that they will always get along every second of the day. Over the course of a typical day, the older kids play together about half the time and play apart about half the time, with some of the "together time" spent in a dispute of some sort.

I remember being told, "You really love your sister." or "You should love your sister." It's hard to conjure up feelings of love towards someone who has just wronged you in some way (real or imagined). So of course I felt guilty about not feeling that way. And it's hard for younger kids to understand that you can feel two things at once toward somebody, that you can be mad at someone and still love them. (Which is why it's scary to them when Mom is angry about something--hmmm....epiphany moment!)

What I try to do is point out when I notice them having fun together, or say something like "You two really seem like you're having fun together." I don't do this too much--lest they become suspicious! I also don't force them to play together if they don't want to. If Morgan wants to play and Ryan doesn't, then I'll say something like "I know you're disappointed that Ryan doesn't want to play. Maybe he will later--what would you like to do in the meantime?"


Appeal to their rational self-interest.

When I'm trying to get some cooperation from someone, especially when it concerns a sibling, I try to phrase my request in terms of the child's rational self-interest. For example: "If your shouting wakes up Sean, then it will be harder for us to play our game together, since I'll probably have to hold him." The child who has a selfish incentive to tone down the shouting will be more likely to cooperate than if I had simply said "Your shouting will wake up the baby."

Even when they don't really like it and/or understand, I also point out ways in which we all support each other--in terms of rational self-interest. My kids do activities--and they also wait around at each other's activities. When Ryan balks about taking Morgan to ballet, I point out that she waits for him at taekwondo (and vice versa). Since he wants to continue with taekwondo, a gentle reminder that Morgan waits around for him while he's there will usually mollify him.


Be sympathetic with the trials of having siblings.

Ryan spent the first three years of Morgan's life asking me to return her to the hospital or to find her another family to live with. I am not exaggerating!

Having a sibling can be hard. Nobody asked them if they wanted another child in the family (or two!). It's a situation that is thrust upon them and siblings encroach on your space and projects and pull your hair and always seem to be sitting on your mom's lap. That's HARD. Unlike playmates, you really don't get much of a break from your siblings, what with them living in your house and breathing on your stuff and all.

Of course, there are lots of great things about siblings, too. But I think it's okay to say to a kid "I understand how you're feeling. It's hard having to share mommy with the new baby. It's okay to be upset by that." (And then focus on teaching them how to express that emotion appropriately, for example.)


Teach negotiation skills.

One thing I remember about my childhood is shouting "Mo-o-mmmm!" when my brother or sister did something I didn't like, and I expected my mom to handle our problems. Which she did. And I know she was doing her best to help us.

But the end-result of all of that Mom-interference is that we didn't really learn good ways to resolve our own problems with each other. We looked to Mom to determine the Winner(s) and the Loser(s) and often directed anger at her when she decided against us.

This whole negotiation process is an entire post (or many posts) in itself, so I'll have to delve into specifics another time.


Make special time for each child.

I make a real effort to do something with or for each child every day. Obviously, I'm with the baby a whole bunch these days, so this mostly pertains to the older kids. But I take time to read to Morgan, watch her play her puzzle or computer game, help her spell. With Ryan, I listen to his battle descriptions, watch him review his taekwondo moves, or play a game of chess. I also try to express my regret if the baby causes me to interrupt our activities--although there's a fine line between my saying "I'm sorry we have to pause our game now." and "That baby is always making us stop our game!"


Make kindness an expectation.

You might wish your sister lived somewhere else, but to loudly demand her eviction when she is standing three feet away is not kind. Ryan is able to say to me now "Mom, I'm feeling mad and want to tell you something about Morgan in private." And then we'll go somewhere else and he can express himself and Morgan doesn't get her feelings hurt.

You don't have to play with or even like everyone every second; but you do need to treat them with a modicum of kindness and respect. This goes for everyone who visits, too--friends and family and guests.


Get them involved in caring for a new baby (if they want).

Kids like to help with the new babies, but Ryan was definitely less interested in helping me when Morgan was the baby than Morgan is with Sean. Still, they both love to be involved in Sean's care, and will knock each other down in competition to get him a diaper or get his attention. Ironic, huh?

It helps to point out when the baby is noticing each of them--"Sean sure likes to watch you jump!" Also, if one of the older kids needs me, I'll make a point of saying to Sean "Morgan needs my help right now. Why don't you play with this toy while you wait for me?" I know Sean can't really understand my words--but the other child does, and knows that I won't always default in favor of the baby. (This is easier now that Sean is a bit older.)


There are many more ideas and techniques, of course. And this whole topic--as with each of these parenting topics--could be expanded upon a great deal. And I'm interested in how others handle these issues, too, so please comment!

A valuable reference for ways to handle siblings is Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (They also wrote How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.)

Really, Ryan and Morgan are developing quite a camaraderie these days--lest you think it's all conflict around here--it's not. They spent the majority of the time I've taken in writing this post running around and giggling, taking turns making the baby giggle, or off doing their own things. There were a couple of minor things I needed to remind them about(mostly in the realm of phrasing one's words in a kind way), but they didn't need me too much. They resolved many of their own problems without my help (yay). A very typical morning for us.

For myself, I have to work hard to remember that Livy might need me to explain how we do things. (This goes for our other guests, those with and without siblings, too.) I had mistakenly thought that she understood our popsicle principle implicitly, as my kids do, since they have the benefit of lots of practice. I could have done a better job of explaining my reasons.

And even though I treat Livy as I do my kids, I need to keep in mind that she is not used to having to negotiate things in quite the same way. Well, maybe in the same way, since her parents use the same methods we do, but she doesn't have quite the same stake in the game or have to do it nearly as often!

And I will do my best to make sure we have enough popsicles the next time she comes over to play!