Podcast 13: A Glimpse Into the Relationships of Parents and Their Young Adult Children

We're pleased to present the 13th episode at long last! Please know that we are aware of some technical issues--Kelly has a lot of static on her mic, but believe us when we say that it was much worse before Brendan got a hold of the files! Please bear with us while we work through some of these issues (which will likely exist on the next podcast, too, since we recorded them at the same time).

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): Helping a toddler cope with fears and enjoying his self-awareness

• Topic: A view of what it's like to be the parent of a young adult (begins 7:06)

• Q & A: Does parenting involve sacrifice? (begins 20:09)

As always, feel free to send questions, suggestions, and critiques to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. And we have a new place for you to send questions for future podcasts: check out our Google Moderator page. Please add your own questions and vote for existing questions that you like.

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Parenting and the Metaphysically Given

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Remember that old serenity prayer?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

There's a lot in there that is applicable to Objectivists and to parents. Ayn Rand herself, in her essay "The Metaphysical Versus the Man-Made" in Philosophy: Who Needs It, used the wording of the prayer to discuss what can and cannot be changed.

"In regard to nature, “to accept what I cannot change” means to accept the metaphysically given; “to change what I can” means to strive to rearrange the given by acquiring knowledge—as science and technology (e.g., medicine) are doing; “to know the difference” means to know that one cannot rebel against nature and, when no action is possible, one must accept nature serenely." - Ayn Rand

So, a rational person does not fight against the facts of reality or waste time wishing they were different. He accepts that they are true and forms his plans taking these unchangeable facts into account. He uses the dictates of nature to succeed; he cannot succeed by fighting against them.

Another Ayn Rand quote from the same article: "The metaphysically given cannot be true or false, it simply is—and man determines the truth or falsehood of his judgments by whether they correspond to or contradict the facts of reality. The metaphysically given cannot be right or wrong—it is the standard of right or wrong, by which a (rational) man judges his goals, his values, his choices. The metaphysically given is, was, will be, and had to be."

It's easy to see how to apply this principle in scientific endeavors. It would rock if we could sit around all day eating yummy chocolate chip cookies and still be fit and healthy. But nature dictates that bodies require certain kinds of nutrients. A person who fought this rule would be miserable. He would keep trying to make excessive amounts of cookies and health line up, and he would continue to fail because he has not accepted the metaphysically given.

It's not always so easy to apply this principle to social interactions (including parenting) because we have characteristics dictated by nature and characteristics that we are able to change and control. As parents, though, we have to be able to identify the metaphysically given and not spend time trying to change things about our children that can't be changed.

First, I think we have to accept the nature of children qua children (don't I sound super philosophical now?). Read my thoughts on the nature of children and how that metaphysically given nature should influence our parenting here.

I also think that we have to accept the temperament that our children are born with. Temperament may change over time, and a full personality is certainly something we can change, but some basic traits just are, such as extroversion/introversion. For more thoughts on temperament, you can check out this podcast or Jenn's post or my post.

The metaphysically given aspect of parenting that I want to focus on in this post is developmental stage. We all know intuitively that children at different ages behave in certain ways. Everyone talks about "the terrible twos" or "a typical teenager." But there are tons of stages that aren't quite so infamous and well-known, and it can be really useful to know what they are. It can really help to know what to expect and what is normal for children of a certain age.

There has been some discussion recently on OGrownups about toddlers. The initial discussion was about a 15 month old child, whom I might not even classify as a toddler. I generally think of toddlers as children between the ages of 18 months and 3 years. (Yes, I know toddlerhood is supposed to start when children learn to walk, but no 9 month old is a toddler, even if he can walk. It's about more than just motor skill development.)

So here's what I think is metaphysically given about toddlers:

1. Toddlers don't know how to behave. They all do really inappropriate things, like hitting, biting, spitting, throwing toys, tantrums, and much more.



2. Toddlers have poor impulse control. When they feel like doing something, they do it.



3. It takes lots of time and lots of repetition to teach better behavior to toddlers. No matter how reasonably you explain, how firmly you set limits, even how harshly you punish (but please don't), you'll have to do it again and again.



4. Toddlers are early in the conceptual process, but they are forming concepts. They are beginning to learn to use logic and reason. They are not only perceptual like animals.

So, since these facts about toddlers are metaphysically given, fighting against them is like banging our heads against a wall (and that's what parenting a toddler feels like sometimes!). We have to accept these facts and use parenting strategies that take them into account.

Here are some ideas about how to use each metaphysically given fact in parenting a toddler:

1. Be prepared for these yuck behaviors. Know they are coming. Read up on developmental stages. And when your child hits, don't think, "Oh God! He's a rights violator and will probably turn out to be a communist!" Instead think, "Wow, he's really exhibiting the traits of a toddler! What can I do to stop him from doing inappropriate things and help him learn what is more appropriate?"



2. Practice GOYB (Get Off Your Butt) parenting. Because toddlers have trouble controlling impulses, you gotta get right into the fray and be ready to stop hitting or biting. You can't say from your comfy computer chair, "Stop hitting, Little Johnny!" You have to get up, grab Johnny's hand to prevent the hitting, and then reinforce with words. 2 year old Johnny cannot stop himself, so you better be ready to it for him.



3. One day, one week, or even one month of putting your hand over a toddler's mouth while saying, "Keep your spit in your mouth," is not gonna do it. Your child is not particularly recalcitrant and purposefully trying to drive you to insanity. He's just little, and you will have to say it over and over and over and set the limit over and over and over. And eventually, he will mature and learn. Expecting instant or even quick success when you are not going to get it will only make you feel like a failure.



4. Since toddlers, who are developing conceptual capability, aren't mentally like dogs, who are never gonna be conceptual, we can't treat them the same way. Behaviorist ideas, like punishments and rewards, don't help a child learn how to think about what is right and wrong. Setting a limit, with both action and words, and helping the child to understand the reason for the limit respect a child's developing conceptual mind. (For toddlers, this would be very simple. I grab his hand (gently) and say "No hitting. Hitting hurts Mommy.")

Finally, a personal note: When Livy was a toddler, I thought I would go insane repeating myself and watching her so closely when she interacted with other children. She was a super intense toddler, with tantrums like you would not believe, and a fair amount of hitting. And yet, she matured into a happy, sweet child who keeps her hands to herself and tells me pretty calmly when she is upset with me. Toddler behaviors don't last forever, thank god!

An Era is Ending

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I haven't carried a diaper bag in months. The bag I used as a diaper bag is now used for carrying podcast recording equipment to and from Kelly's house.

We don't have any more sippy cups. Well, we have the cups, but no lids, and everyone just uses them as regular cups. Somehow, Sean went straight to open-topped cups, with hardly a pause in Sippy Cup Land.

Yesterday I noticed that Sean got his last two molars, for a total of 20 teeth! You know what that means, don't you? NO MORE TEETHING EVER AGAIN!

And while a part of me is a little sad about all of this, most of me is HAPPY and ECSTATIC and MAKING PLANS FOR THE FUTURE! :o)

Every little milestone he passes means that we're done with that milestone for good (sniff). But we've got so many exciting adventures to look forward to, and the beautiful, glorious, wonderful NOW to experience.

Life is pretty good.

Podcast #10: Toddlers (Part 1)

Welcome back and as always, thanks for listening! In this episode:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): Negotiating with a child about an unfair situation and trying to meet everyone's needs

• Topic: Toddlers, part 1 (begins 7:33)

• Q&A: Do you interact differently with your kids in public? (begins 28:20)

Yes, this is a long one! We got rather carried away with toddlers, and will be posting part 2 as part of another podcast.

Here's the book we tried and failed to recall the title of during the Toddlers section, The Aware Baby:






Enjoy, and please let us know how we're doing!

You can listen here, or download directly from our podcast home, or download from iTunes!

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A Wee Beebee Story

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Not too long ago, Sean made an important discovery: his beebee.

It happened during a diaper change. He reached down, grabbed it and said "ooooh!" in a wondering sort of way.

I said: "Yes. That's your penis."

S, curiously: "Beebee?"

Me: "Yes. Penis."

S, as if greeting a long lost war buddy: "Beebee!!!!!!"

Since that moment, Sean has been a big fan of his beebee. He likes to visit with it during diaper changes and bath time and naked time. He likes to talk about it. He wonders where it goes when it's hidden by pants, grabbing his crotch and asking "Where beebee?" and "Beekboo beebee!" [Peekaboo, penis!]

We sometimes struggle with each other over the beebee. He likes to hold it, which can cause problems during certain types of diaper changes (if you know what I mean). Then he yells and squirms: "Nooooo! Beebeeeeeeee! MomMY! Nooooo!!!" But when the struggles are over, he gets to visit it, and when it's time to put the diaper back on, he says "Bye-bye beebee."

One day, I know he won't need me any more. But he'll always have his beebee.

Fears

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

My kids have been experiencing a resurgence of fears lately. It's a challenge for a parent to help their kids manage their fears in a rational way, and I'm learning that this becomes more challenging (for me) as the kids get older.

Sean is currently in the throes of developmentally age-appropriate separation/stranger anxiety. This happens because he has finally understood that he and I are separate people and his memory has developed to the extent that he can remember me when I'm absent. And since Mommy is the Source of All Goodness in the Universe, it means he freaks when he can't see me. This is difficult for both of us, but I also know it's a normal stage for appropriately attached toddlers to go through. Each child has experienced it differently in terms of intensity and duration, but the symptoms are generally the same: there is a toddler up my butt at all times.

I'm encouraged though--the symptoms seem to be easing just a bit. I'm often able to be in a different room from him for up to 3 minutes before the freak. He is fine with the babysitter (after the initial shock of course). He hung out with Kelly for a good 45 minutes at the farm the other day and did just fine. She said he kept looking for me, but didn't get sad. It helps that he knows her so well, but even a few weeks ago, this might not have been such a pleasant experience for either of them!

Morgan's fears are more sophisticated and imaginative. For her, it boils down to one thing: demons. Yes, we're very clear with her about the fact that demons are pretend. But really, it doesn't matter--even though she knows they aren't real, she fears the idea of them all the same.

It's interesting that she can handle other things that you might imagine would scare a child of 4.5. We've recently seen the firstand thirdIndiana Jones movies. None of the face melting or crumbling into dust seemed to bother her in the least. I was about 10 when I saw the face melting and was thoroughly traumatized. And just so nobody is worried--we watched these movies with the kids slowly over the course of several days, taking breaks when things became worrisome, and talking with them about what happened. We tend to do that when they want to see something that we think might be hard for them to handle intellectually or emotionally. (We also don't initiate such things--I'm not in a big hurry to have them watch Indiana Jones, especially. This was a request of hers that we decided to honor, in a way in which we could observe her and support her if necessary.)

The way we handle fears of imagination is generally to provide lots of comfort during the upset times, remind them occasionally how pretend the thing is, and we also fight fantasy with fantasy. I think one key component to getting over any kind of fear is feeling somewhat in control of the situation. Sometimes, it's enough to have control over avoiding your fear. Sometimes, you need to be more proactive.

Hence, Demon Spray. Before Morgan goes to bed, if she expresses concerns about the demons in her room, we give her a small spray bottle with water in it. We told her, "Well, you know demons are just pretend, right? But you're still scared and I understand. Why don't we pretend this bottle is filled with Demon Spray? Demons hate getting wet and they hate Demon Spray most of all! So you just spray this around your room and those demons will stay out!" This makes her feel better, it really does.

By the way, demons also hate flowers, My Little Pony, Hello Kitty, pink walls, purple polka dots, purple curtains, stuffed dogs of any size or color, and butterflies. Isn't it nice that her room is so thoughtfully set up so as to discourage demon activity? We even gave her one of our little gargoyles to guard her room. He sits in her window, just triple-dog-daring any demons to get in there.

Ryan went through a similar thing with pirates at her age. Pirate Spray and room decor did the trick. I know this phase will pass for her . . . eventually.

Ryan's fears are more sophisticated still. He's always been a cautious sort, a worrier, and he's always had a hard time with separations. It was weeks before he'd walk into chess class confidently and without a pep talk/limit setting by me.

Now he's really beginning to get caught up in Real Life Fears. He freaked out at the fact I send in our homeschool paperwork once a month. Why do I need to do this? What do they need to know this stuff for? Why do they make silly laws? What will happen if I don't send in the papers? How can we get them to change that law? Can we do that NOW?

Don't get him started on Obama or taxes. He hears us talking, and hears our opinions about such things. We no longer have satellite television, and only rarely listen to news on the radio. Which is good, because we'd certainly have to give those things up now. As it is, Brendan and I need to be more guarded about how we talk about political issues.

I think it's fine for us to give him information and tell him our opinion about them. But we need to try to be more matter-of-fact in how we talk about politics and I think we need to try to do it less frequently. He just doesn't have the full context or maturity to understand what we're talking about, yet he's bright enough and imaginative enough to be able to draw amazingly accurate conclusions. Which he then worries about. And yet, I don't want to censor myself completely, or shelter him completely, but there's a fine line here that I'm still trying to locate.

And last week, our car got broken into. :o( What happened was that some person(s) went down our street early in the morning, testing car doors. Many of our neighbors had stuff swiped out of their cars. I had forgotten to lock the van door the night before, due to a late-night grocery store run, and our GPS was stolen. Brendan's car was locked, which was a good thing, since his computer was in it!

This event could not have happened at a worse time for Ryan developmentally. I was irritated about the loss of our GPS, but other than the fact that it had all of our addresses programmed into it, I'm not terribly upset. And we're really more careful about locking our doors, of course. But the fact is, it's just a thing. Things are replaceable, or do-without-able. It is also upsetting to think that someone was in our van, touching our things, especially because we live in a safe neighborhood in a safe suburb. I suspect that it was probably just stupid teenagers. (Brendan is not so sure.)

Ryan is very worried though. I've been letting him lock the cars at night, again, to give him some measure of control over the situation. We often have him help lock up the house at night, too. But Bad Guys have always been an issue with him, and this incident certainly didn't help.

By the way, don't ever ever EVER cross this kid. He is actively calling for EXECUTION as the ideal way to deal with the thugs who took our GPS system. Reminds me of that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where they visited a crime-free planet. It was crime-free because the penalty for any crime was instant death. Poor Wesley Crusher stepped on some plants and that was bad news. This is pretty much Ryan's dream legal system.

The other issue with his fears--and this is very much a Ryan Thing--is that he needs to TALK about them. He worries aloud and fears aloud and dreams up retribution aloud and questions aloud and makes plans and strategies and tactics. Aloud. Until you've gone completely insane.

I talk back (it's very much a Jenn Thing) and usually try to turn the focus around to Things Within Our Control. I often just let him vent, but he tends to get stuck in Worry Cycles (wow is he ever MY child!), and works himself up into tears with his worries. I know that as I've figured out how to better manage my own tendency to worry and imagine the worst-case scenario for any given problem (no matter how small), I personally feel better when I remember to focus on the things in my control. So that's my tactic--but I'm looking for more ideas!!!!!

We've altered how we do things around here because of his lengthy, vicious Worry Cycles. We used to have to prepare Ryan waaaaaaay in advance for any changes--leaving to go somewhere, a class, a babysitter, even a visitor. He needed time to prepare himself, to imagine what might happen, to ask questions and get answers, and to talk and talk and talk and talk about it as he processed the anticipated change.

Now, because of this new phase he's in, we do the complete opposite. We now give him very little time to adjust to a change. Babysitter coming tonight? Tell him 5 minutes before she shows, or maybe when she knocks at the door. If he asks, we answer him honestly, but we don't dwell on the subject. Going to the park, let's go NOW! Leaving the park--time to GO! Chess class coming up? Don't mention it until we're loading up into the car to go to class. Taekwondo sparring night? Time to get dressed and GO!

This has been a difficult change to make because I'm so used to providing him with a lot of lead time. But when I remember to do it, it's made our transitions much easier on all of us. In fact, I just asked him about this, and he agrees that he'd rather know about things right when they're about to happen instead of having lots of time to think about it. When asked why, he said "Because I'm good at guessing things. But sometimes I guess things that make me worry." Yup. And that's pretty good self-awareness for a 7.5 year old, isn't it?

I know that eventually, his brain will mature and he will be better able to handle his fears. I think the best thing to do is help him find strategies for coping with his fears and to try to reassure him that he is safe and that we will keep him safe.

More ideas?

By the way, for a great discussion on a related topic--death--check out the OGrownups list! Diana shared what she wrote on that thread here. You don't have to be an Objectivist to lurk on the group (although you do if you'd like to post). I've enjoyed the discussions on this list--very thought-provoking!

Sixteen Months

In just a few more days, Sean will be officially 16 months old. This is one of those ages that seems to stick out in my mind, and yet each time it comes around, I discover that I'm woefully unprepared.

With Ryan, I was (and continue to be) unprepared just because he's the first one. With Morgan, I knew 16 Months was a Thing, but I was unprepared because A.) I had Mommy Amnesia and B.) I didn't think every child necessarily hits 16 Months and so was caught off-guard by the timing. (I still don't think every kid hits 16 Months right at 16 Months--but I strongly suspect they hit 16 Months at some point.)

And so it appears that Sean is going to follow the same plan as his older siblings. Right on time and all of a sudden, he's hitting this stage. I'm once again afflicted with Mommy Amnesia, and this time we're experiencing 16 Months in a house full of LEGO and art projects and homeschool supplies. And I knew it was coming! A few months ago, I remember thinking, "Ooh! 16 Months is coming up and I'll be busy." But I couldn't quite remember why 16 Months was such a busy time.

Allow me to paint a picture of what life with a such a creature is like:

• Mommy never, ever, ever sits down, not for one second.

Hmmm . . . I thought there'd be more to that, but that about sums it up right there. I'm pretty much chasing after this little booger dear all the live long day.

It's as if every little skill he's been acquiring since the minute he was born has suddenly been honed all at once. Those days and weeks of learning to control his head, arms, legs, hands, mouth, feet are now behind him. He no longer needs to concentrate on walking or grasping. He's got those things down cold. He can eat without choking and gagging, and has become an expert at picking up teeny tiny things and poking them into forbidden crevices (so far, none on his own body, fingers crossed and all that).

Now that he doesn't need to expend any mental energy on the basics--walking and talking and holding things--he turns that mental focus outward, and seems hell-bent determined to Interact with his Environment (dum-dum-DUMMMMMM!). Much to the dismay of the Environment and the other people who inhabit it.

He is a one-manchild force of destruction. Buttons are pushed, over and over again, resetting servers and starting/stopping the dishwasher. There is cat food everywhere. There are crackers everywhere. No piece of paper goes unmolested--books, tax forms, art projects, unused reams of printer paper alike are drooled on, crumpled, sat upon, chewed upon, and generally destroyed. Stairs and furniture and concrete steps are scaled without fear or regard for personal well-being. Toy after toy has been sent down the basement stairs through the cat door, a present for Daddy next time he dares go down there without turning on the lights.

And there is no distracting this persistent child. Now his memory is up and going, see, and waving something shiny in his face Isn't. Going. To. Cut. It. Because he now has a sense of his own power and desires to destroy create, he gets really freaking cranky when thwarted. On the airplane, I must have removed his hand from the flight attendant call button a hundred times (he was sitting/standing on my lap). "Not for touching. Not for touching," she says. Is he deterred at all? I think not. He's the type who views these things as a challenge. My in-laws were treated to a Keep Baby Away from the Fireplace Tools show. He couldn't have been more pleased with himself. :o)

16 Months is exhausting--for the parents. It's also exasperating for the older siblings, who are discovering that their adored baby brother is transforming from plaything to nemesis right before their very eyes.

And yet, he's really quite adorable, when he pauses in his work long enough to smile angelically before continuing his path of destruction.

So consider this a wake-up call or friendly reminder, those of you who have 16 Months ahead of you (whether soonish or waaaaay in the future). Do your sitting down NOW, because you will miss not being able to do it. Trust me.

Just Ask!

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

We attended a birthday party for a 2 year old last night. It was fun--although the bugs! Major downside of the drought recovery.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a very minor issue I encountered while we were there. One of the party activities for the children was to decorate their cake plates with stickers. Ryan was one of the oldest kids there--most of the kids were toddlers, so this project was great fun for them. But Ryan took this activity Very Seriously (to my amazement), and approached me almost in tears, because the Birthday Boy had grabbed his plate away from him.

I went over to the Birthday Boy and said, "Oh, this plate is Ryan's." And then I tried to take it out of his hands. Now why did I do this? Because in my head, I was still viewing this child as "too young to understand and/or be reasoned with."

Well of course he didn't let go, because what do toddlers do when someone tries to remove something from their sticky little fingers? They hold on tighter. Duh. I have had two 2 year olds myself!

I came to my senses before allowing this pointless tug-of-war to go on, and let go of the plate. Then I looked at the Birthday Boy and said, "This plate is Ryan's. Will you give it back to him please?"

And you know what he did? He gave it back to Ryan. All I had to do is ask.

I'm still kind of shocked at my own behavior, honestly. What was I thinking? Why would grabbing the plate out of his hand be the right thing to do? Now it might have come to that, had he refused to relinquish the plate, sure. But that shouldn't be the out-of-the-gate approach, should it? And really, I completely missed an opportunity to help Ryan ask the Birthday Boy for the plate back himself.

Moral of the Story: First, give kids a chance to succeed. You might just be surprised. :o)

The Toddler: A Case Study

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I think toddlers are the best things ever. Let me count the ways.

They are busy busy busy little creatures, fascinated with destroying exploring their surroundings with their even busier little hands. An example:

Noticing that Mommy seems to put things in and out of the dishwasher a million times a day frequently, the Toddler feels honor-bound to assist. No sooner do the dirty knives go IN, than the Toddler removes them. First IN, then OUT, right?

As Mommy removes the dangerous weapon steak knife from the Toddler's hand, he notices the plates and glasses. Why, what in the world are THOSE doing there? Again, the Toddler seeks to rectify that situation.

As Mommy is loading those plates back into the dishwasher, the Toddler suddenly tunes into the fact that there are lots of soggy food particles stuck to the door of the dishwasher. No worries--the Toddler is on the job! And what a delicious job it is!

Hmmm....now Mommy wants to close the dishwasher door. Your extra-conscientious Toddler will be careful to obstruct Mommy's progress by banging the door with rage, slipping and falling, or the old standby--placing his fingers on the side of the door for optimal smashing.

Yes, this Toddler really keeps Mommy on her toes. :o)

With two older siblings and a growing conceptual awareness, our Toddler has figured out that Big Sis and Big Bro do all kinds of cool things and he ought to hurry up and figure out how to do them, too.

For example: Big Sis and Big Bro bounce all over the place like monkeys, climbing the ottoman and JUMPING high and fast, flying through the air. Who wouldn't want to do that?

The next time Mommy walks into the family room, she is alarmed to find her Toddler standing (STANDING I tell you!) on the arm of the couch, squealing with delight. He is BIG and he is CAPABLE and he IS. (Mommy, on the other hand, is ready for a drink.)

Everything is so brand new to him, exciting and delightful, and the Toddler has become sneaky brave enough to set off in search of adventure in other parts of the house, often neglecting to tell Mommy where he is going. What a thrill it is for Mommy to discover him upstairs or eating cat food or splashing in the potty!

Of course, not every experience is a happy one. Our Toddler often feels frustrated when he is unable to do something that his brain thinks he ought to be able to do.

Sometimes, Mr. Reality lets our intrepid Toddler down, by insisting that A must ever be and remain A. Example: the Toddler is frequently enraged dismayed by the fact that he is not able to stand up in the tub without slipping (face first, of course), or swallow a baseball-sized hunk of chicken without choking. (These are the kinds of mistakes a person only makes once. Or possibly several dozen times.)

Usually, though, the frustrations are Mommy- and Daddy-imposed. The Toddler is just beginning to suspect what his Big Sis and Big Bro have long understood: Mom and Dad are not necessarily on our side in these matters. Even though Mommy and Daddy just spent 99% of his babyhood meeting his needs (which did not conflict with their personal needs, or with their goal of having him survive to adulthood), the Toddler is disappointed (to say the least) to find that Mommy is simply NOT going to allow him to have every little thing he'd like to get his busy little hands on.

Mommy will not let the Toddler play on her computer, or shine the red laser light of her wireless mouse in his eye, or beat the cat with the wireless keyboard. She will not allow him to pull the cat's tail or his sister's hair, or grab things out of Big Brother's hands. She stops his hands from unraveling the toilet paper and pushing the buttons on the amplifier and from undoing the tabs on his diaper. She is forever removing tasty snacks from his mouth, such as dishwasher schmutz, crayons, bugs, dirt, mulch, cat hair, Floor Cake, thumbtacks, paperclips, permanent markers, and bits of bacon from a week ago.

In the face of adversity, this particular model is unique. Big Bro was inclined to express his displeasure vocally, screaming bloody murder when thwarted by Reality and Parent alike. Big Sis had a quieter persistence about her, clinging obstinately to her goal with sticky little fingers, returning and returning to the scene of the crime object of her desire long after Mommy thought she had forgotten all about it.

This Toddler makes it very clear when he is angry by screaming in a way that reminds me powerfully of his dear brother. He doesn't give up, which is very Big Sis-like. He generally flails about in a strange maneuver that looks like he's trying to do a back handspring without using his hands (the resulting head trauma adding injury to insult). He has recently begun to beat things with his fists.

But where this particular Toddler distinguishes himself is in his proactiveness. Upon noticing that Mommy is heading his way in a big hurry, this guy does not merely scream or silently resist. Oh no. His philosophy is of the Carpe Diem style--seize the moment in order to Do More, Be More, Make the Mess Extraordinary--quickly--before Mommy gets there. Playing on the computer? Don't get mad; bang the keys MORE, pull the cord HARDER, make the flow of drool a little STRONGER. If you're going to do the time, then you might as well do the crime. Save those tears and flails for after you've been thwarted.

A Toddler's primary job is pretty simple and straightforward: Never, under any circumstances, allow Mommy a chance to sit down or complete a coherent thought. He excels at this. A+. In other words, he fits right in with the crowd.

Toddlers are amazing little creatures. They are funny and engaged and busy and happy because they are so ALIVE. His new awareness of the world (his brain can form concepts now!) excites him, and drives him to learn more and more and more. When he's awake, he is actively engaged in the process of filling his brain with new experiences and forming new concepts. He can't do this quickly enough.

He is learning to communicate and has figured out the power that comes with being able to share your thoughts and ideas. A point upwards with a "Guh." starts an entire conversation about the continued existence of the ceiling fan. This conversation must be repeated upon entering any room, and revisited every 10 minutes or so. These little "conversations" are the precursors to the Q&A sessions that will happen throughout the years.

He is Mommy's Third Toddler and she can use the wisdom gained from past experience against him. He is her Third; and he can use her distractedness and weariness (she's older now!) against her. Even though they are now sometimes adversaries, they are beginning to be friends. :o)

And for all of the Big Kid things he can now do, the Toddler is still a delicious, soft, giggly, snuggly Baby, who still really needs his Mommy. He needs stroking touches and forehead kisses and bouncing and rocking. So Mommy, though exhausted from being three messes behind him all day long, thinks he is the Best. Thing. Ever.

Most Aptly Named Book Ever

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

It's titled Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy. And I obviously need to read it again. It really 'splains a lot about the inner workings of the brain and emotional turmoil of a typical three year old.

Can you tell that Morgan has decided to hit the "Terrible Threes?" :o) About 6 weeks early.

It's an interesting phenomenon. My favorite part is how they wrestle with Mr. Reality and scream and rage in sheer anger and frustration because, you know, the door won't open in--it only opens out:

Child, screaming in rage: I want to push the door IIINNNNN!

Reasonable Mom: It won't go in.

Child: WHY?!?!?!?

Calm, Emotionally Detached Mom: Because when the door was hung they put the hinges on this side of the door, so if we want to open it from this room, we have to pull it out.

Child: BBBBBLLLLLLAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Really Amazingly Wonderful Mom: silence

Child, thinking up a creative solution to her problem: Move the hinges to the other side of the door!

Mom Who Is Impressed Despite Herself: Sorry, honey, I really can't do that. Why don't you go to the room on the other side and then you can push the door in.

Suddenly Cooperative Child (Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson!) goes to the other side of the door: Okay.

Mom Who Should Know Better relaxes for a moment and tries to think of what to make for dinner.

Child: BBBLLLLAAARRRGGGG!

Mom Who Now Feels Stupid: What's the matter, honey?

Child: I want to pull the door OUT!!!!!!

Suddenly Very Tired Mom: But it doesn't pull out from that side. It pushes in. You wanted to push the door in, didn't you?

Child who feels justified and righteous: But not from THIS SIDE!!!!! AARRRRGGHHH!

Mom looks in the liquor cabinet.

Lather, rinse, and repeat a dozen times a day until child approaches 4th birthday.

(Actually, that was a lot of fun to write!)

Both children were absolutely delightful two year olds. When Ryan turned to the Dark Side, I was so sad and shocked. Now I realize that's just how it goes, and I don't take such things so personally. But the thing with subsequent kids is that while you are better prepared for these phases and developmental hurdles, you also remember how trying and exhausting they were when you were going through it with the first kid. I just want to skip to the end--but I know it can't be done.

At least she's cute. :o)