Podcast #11: Money

At long last, we are happy to present our 11th podcast! We are grateful for the feedback we received from our listeners about the technical issues with the last podcast. Hopefully this one sounds a little better–Brendan turned the sound way up, so we’re hoping that will solve at least some of the problem. We didn’t test it on an iPod (because we’re currently on vacation!), but I think we’ll start this testing as part of our production process.

If you have feedback about the podcast–technical or content or otherwise!–please drop us a line at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

Our line up this time is:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): Dealing with the jealous feelings of her child when she (Kelly) pays attention to other children
• Topic: Money (begins 8:00)
• Q & A: How did your relationships with other adults change after the arrival of children? (begins 29:34)

You can get the podcast here, on iTunes, or just below!

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Thanks for listening! We’d love your comments and feedback and questions!

Podcast #7: Siblings

This episode is our most FUN podcast to date (in my–Jenn’s–humble). This time we have:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): A reminder to give gentle feedback to children
• Topic: Siblings (begins 4:26)
• Q & A: Negotiating with a child–what to do if the child doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain (begins 21:07)

Here’s a link to the book we mentioned at the end of the section on Siblings–SO highly recommended:



I think that Podcast #7 is where we started to get our stride. It’s fun, and enjoyable, and I hope you like it, too!
In other exciting podcasting news: You can now find us on iTunes! We feel like real-live grownup podcasters now! (Thanks so much to Diana and Andrew M. for your assistance with this process!) I will add this podcast shortly, as soon as I can figure out how, but the first six episodes are up. We’d really appreciate you taking the time to visit us on iTunes and rating our podcast.
As always, thanks for listening, and please continue to send us comments, questions, and feedback to cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com.

Here's the episode, and you can visit our podcast site directly by clicking here.

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Parenting Toolbox: Validate Feelings

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

So before I talk about what to do with feelings, what are they exactly?

"Your subconscious is like a computer—more complex a computer than men can build—and its main function is the integration of your ideas. Who programs it? Your conscious mind. If you default, if you don’t reach any firm convictions, your subconscious is programmed by chance—and you deliver yourself into the power of ideas you do not know you have accepted. But one way or the other, your computer gives you print-outs, daily and hourly, in the form of emotions—which are lightning-like estimates of the things around you, calculated according to your values." --Ayn Rand "Philosophy: Who Needs It" from Philosophy: Who Needs It

So basically, feelings are automatic physiological responses to value judgments a person has already made. Feelings can be good clues to figuring out your thinking, but feelings can never replace thinking. Feelings, as automatic responses, are neither wrong or right; only the underlying conclusions can be wrong or right.

So what does this mean about the way parents should respond to children's emotions? One more quote:

"An emotion as such tells you nothing about reality, beyond the fact that something makes you feel something. Without a ruthlessly honest commitment to introspection—to the conceptual identification of your inner states—you will not discover what you feel, what arouses the feeling, and whether your feeling is an appropriate response to the facts of reality, or a mistaken response, or a vicious illusion produced by years of self-deception . . . .

In the field of introspection, the two guiding questions are: “What do I feel?” and “Why do I feel it?”" --Ayn Rand "Philosophical Detection" from Philosophy: Who Needs It

The correct response to an emotion is introspection, asking oneself these two questions. But small children are not yet skilled in introspection, so it should be our goal as parents to model the process for them, both in dealing with our own emotions and with their. First, an example of modeling when dealing with our own emotions.

Today, Livy was playing over at Jenn's house with Ryan, Morgan, and two neighbor boys. The kids were excited and chase each other into the street. I immediately yelled, "Out of the street!" with real fear in my voice. When they were safely in the yard, I told them how scared I was when they went into the street and why. I identified my emotion for them - yelling, big-eyed Mom equals fear - (first question - "What do I feel?"), and then I told them that a car might have hit them (Why do I feel it?). By modeling an identification of my emotion and a reason why I feel it, I am teaching them not only to stay out of the street, but how to introspect.

Now an example of dealing with a child's emotions:

Livy comes running into the house, crying. I go to her and pick her up and ask, "What is the matter, sweetie?" She launches into a story about how they were playing red light green light and Ryan did this and Morgan did this and then that happened and then this happened, etc. I listen until she is done telling me the story, and then I say, "You sound really mad. Are you mad?" Sometimes I am right, sometimes not. Let's say this time she says, "No, I am sad." Then I say, "I can see that are so so so sad." She says, "Yes. So sad. As sad as the whole universe." So now we have answered the first question: What are you feeling? Next, she might (cause she is 6) tell me why she is sad. "Ryan or Morgan or someone else or the universe hurt my feelings by doing X." But when she was smaller, I would say, "Are you sad because Ryan, Morgan, or whoever did X?" Sometimes a yes, sometimes a no, but now she is focused on the second question: Why do I feel it?

If a parent hides his own feelings and the reasons for them, he has denied the child a chance to observe introspection. If the parent tells a child in the grip of an emotion, "Don't be upset. It will be alright." or distracts the child from his emotion or tells the child his emotion is not appropriate, he has denied the child a chance to practice introspection. I believe that preventing children for experiencing, thinking about, and working through their emotions leads to repression.

So validating the child's feelings in the moment means:

1. postponing a rational discussion of the thoughts behind the emotion until the introspection is done. In other words, let people feel what they feel before you start trying to find solutions. This can be especially hard if they child's emotions seem inappropriate or are directed at you. But, emotions are valid, even if they underlying thoughts are not, and so letting the emotion happen before working on the underlying thoughts allows introspection and then problem solving.

2. "not fixing, rescuing, or trying to talk children out of their feelings." -- Jane Nelson A big emotion is a great chance for kids to introspect and to learn that they are capable. They learn that feeling sad or scared or angry won't last forever, and that they can make it through.

3. being present with the child who is in the grip of a big emotion. Emotions, for the child who is still unskilled at dealing with them, can be really scary. Their hearts may race; they may feel out of control; or they might get all sweaty or shaky. It is much easier to do the hard work of introspection when we feel safe and supported. Also, since children are not skilled introspectors, they need a parent to help them walk through the process. I am always amazed that adults expect 2 year olds in time out to "think about what you did;" it is our job as parents to teach them how to do that kind of thinking.

One final thought: I think validating feelings would work wonders for most relationships, not just those with children. How many of us have felt, after telling a friend or spouse about a problem, that we wished they had just supported us and then let us come up with our own solutions? For children, I think it is the same. When they are in the grip of an emotion, they need our support and love while they are feeling the emotion and introspecting about it, and then they can work on their own solutions (probably with our help). By jumping right in to end the emotion and get the problem solved for them, we deny them a chance to be efficacious.

Fears

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

My kids have been experiencing a resurgence of fears lately. It's a challenge for a parent to help their kids manage their fears in a rational way, and I'm learning that this becomes more challenging (for me) as the kids get older.

Sean is currently in the throes of developmentally age-appropriate separation/stranger anxiety. This happens because he has finally understood that he and I are separate people and his memory has developed to the extent that he can remember me when I'm absent. And since Mommy is the Source of All Goodness in the Universe, it means he freaks when he can't see me. This is difficult for both of us, but I also know it's a normal stage for appropriately attached toddlers to go through. Each child has experienced it differently in terms of intensity and duration, but the symptoms are generally the same: there is a toddler up my butt at all times.

I'm encouraged though--the symptoms seem to be easing just a bit. I'm often able to be in a different room from him for up to 3 minutes before the freak. He is fine with the babysitter (after the initial shock of course). He hung out with Kelly for a good 45 minutes at the farm the other day and did just fine. She said he kept looking for me, but didn't get sad. It helps that he knows her so well, but even a few weeks ago, this might not have been such a pleasant experience for either of them!

Morgan's fears are more sophisticated and imaginative. For her, it boils down to one thing: demons. Yes, we're very clear with her about the fact that demons are pretend. But really, it doesn't matter--even though she knows they aren't real, she fears the idea of them all the same.

It's interesting that she can handle other things that you might imagine would scare a child of 4.5. We've recently seen the firstand thirdIndiana Jones movies. None of the face melting or crumbling into dust seemed to bother her in the least. I was about 10 when I saw the face melting and was thoroughly traumatized. And just so nobody is worried--we watched these movies with the kids slowly over the course of several days, taking breaks when things became worrisome, and talking with them about what happened. We tend to do that when they want to see something that we think might be hard for them to handle intellectually or emotionally. (We also don't initiate such things--I'm not in a big hurry to have them watch Indiana Jones, especially. This was a request of hers that we decided to honor, in a way in which we could observe her and support her if necessary.)

The way we handle fears of imagination is generally to provide lots of comfort during the upset times, remind them occasionally how pretend the thing is, and we also fight fantasy with fantasy. I think one key component to getting over any kind of fear is feeling somewhat in control of the situation. Sometimes, it's enough to have control over avoiding your fear. Sometimes, you need to be more proactive.

Hence, Demon Spray. Before Morgan goes to bed, if she expresses concerns about the demons in her room, we give her a small spray bottle with water in it. We told her, "Well, you know demons are just pretend, right? But you're still scared and I understand. Why don't we pretend this bottle is filled with Demon Spray? Demons hate getting wet and they hate Demon Spray most of all! So you just spray this around your room and those demons will stay out!" This makes her feel better, it really does.

By the way, demons also hate flowers, My Little Pony, Hello Kitty, pink walls, purple polka dots, purple curtains, stuffed dogs of any size or color, and butterflies. Isn't it nice that her room is so thoughtfully set up so as to discourage demon activity? We even gave her one of our little gargoyles to guard her room. He sits in her window, just triple-dog-daring any demons to get in there.

Ryan went through a similar thing with pirates at her age. Pirate Spray and room decor did the trick. I know this phase will pass for her . . . eventually.

Ryan's fears are more sophisticated still. He's always been a cautious sort, a worrier, and he's always had a hard time with separations. It was weeks before he'd walk into chess class confidently and without a pep talk/limit setting by me.

Now he's really beginning to get caught up in Real Life Fears. He freaked out at the fact I send in our homeschool paperwork once a month. Why do I need to do this? What do they need to know this stuff for? Why do they make silly laws? What will happen if I don't send in the papers? How can we get them to change that law? Can we do that NOW?

Don't get him started on Obama or taxes. He hears us talking, and hears our opinions about such things. We no longer have satellite television, and only rarely listen to news on the radio. Which is good, because we'd certainly have to give those things up now. As it is, Brendan and I need to be more guarded about how we talk about political issues.

I think it's fine for us to give him information and tell him our opinion about them. But we need to try to be more matter-of-fact in how we talk about politics and I think we need to try to do it less frequently. He just doesn't have the full context or maturity to understand what we're talking about, yet he's bright enough and imaginative enough to be able to draw amazingly accurate conclusions. Which he then worries about. And yet, I don't want to censor myself completely, or shelter him completely, but there's a fine line here that I'm still trying to locate.

And last week, our car got broken into. :o( What happened was that some person(s) went down our street early in the morning, testing car doors. Many of our neighbors had stuff swiped out of their cars. I had forgotten to lock the van door the night before, due to a late-night grocery store run, and our GPS was stolen. Brendan's car was locked, which was a good thing, since his computer was in it!

This event could not have happened at a worse time for Ryan developmentally. I was irritated about the loss of our GPS, but other than the fact that it had all of our addresses programmed into it, I'm not terribly upset. And we're really more careful about locking our doors, of course. But the fact is, it's just a thing. Things are replaceable, or do-without-able. It is also upsetting to think that someone was in our van, touching our things, especially because we live in a safe neighborhood in a safe suburb. I suspect that it was probably just stupid teenagers. (Brendan is not so sure.)

Ryan is very worried though. I've been letting him lock the cars at night, again, to give him some measure of control over the situation. We often have him help lock up the house at night, too. But Bad Guys have always been an issue with him, and this incident certainly didn't help.

By the way, don't ever ever EVER cross this kid. He is actively calling for EXECUTION as the ideal way to deal with the thugs who took our GPS system. Reminds me of that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where they visited a crime-free planet. It was crime-free because the penalty for any crime was instant death. Poor Wesley Crusher stepped on some plants and that was bad news. This is pretty much Ryan's dream legal system.

The other issue with his fears--and this is very much a Ryan Thing--is that he needs to TALK about them. He worries aloud and fears aloud and dreams up retribution aloud and questions aloud and makes plans and strategies and tactics. Aloud. Until you've gone completely insane.

I talk back (it's very much a Jenn Thing) and usually try to turn the focus around to Things Within Our Control. I often just let him vent, but he tends to get stuck in Worry Cycles (wow is he ever MY child!), and works himself up into tears with his worries. I know that as I've figured out how to better manage my own tendency to worry and imagine the worst-case scenario for any given problem (no matter how small), I personally feel better when I remember to focus on the things in my control. So that's my tactic--but I'm looking for more ideas!!!!!

We've altered how we do things around here because of his lengthy, vicious Worry Cycles. We used to have to prepare Ryan waaaaaaay in advance for any changes--leaving to go somewhere, a class, a babysitter, even a visitor. He needed time to prepare himself, to imagine what might happen, to ask questions and get answers, and to talk and talk and talk and talk about it as he processed the anticipated change.

Now, because of this new phase he's in, we do the complete opposite. We now give him very little time to adjust to a change. Babysitter coming tonight? Tell him 5 minutes before she shows, or maybe when she knocks at the door. If he asks, we answer him honestly, but we don't dwell on the subject. Going to the park, let's go NOW! Leaving the park--time to GO! Chess class coming up? Don't mention it until we're loading up into the car to go to class. Taekwondo sparring night? Time to get dressed and GO!

This has been a difficult change to make because I'm so used to providing him with a lot of lead time. But when I remember to do it, it's made our transitions much easier on all of us. In fact, I just asked him about this, and he agrees that he'd rather know about things right when they're about to happen instead of having lots of time to think about it. When asked why, he said "Because I'm good at guessing things. But sometimes I guess things that make me worry." Yup. And that's pretty good self-awareness for a 7.5 year old, isn't it?

I know that eventually, his brain will mature and he will be better able to handle his fears. I think the best thing to do is help him find strategies for coping with his fears and to try to reassure him that he is safe and that we will keep him safe.

More ideas?

By the way, for a great discussion on a related topic--death--check out the OGrownups list! Diana shared what she wrote on that thread here. You don't have to be an Objectivist to lurk on the group (although you do if you'd like to post). I've enjoyed the discussions on this list--very thought-provoking!

Take the Words Right Out of My Mouth: "I guess you disagree."

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

I've decided to start a series of posts where I talk about some words I use in lots of parenting situations. If I have some phrases stored up, often I will use them instead of the poor parenting that plays in my head sometimes. So, I hope these phrases will be helpful to you in the same way.

The phrase of the day is: "I guess you disagree."

You'd think this was a throw away phrase, one you'd use in some touchy- feely corporate meeting about how to get along with your team. You'd think any two reasonable persons would know when they clearly disagree. Here is where children often completely miss that reasonable thing.

An example:

I hear an altercation in Jenn's playroom (where our two daughters are playing together), so I go to investigate. The two are clearly getting more and more worked up.

Me: Is there a problem in here?
Morgan: (mournfully) She says ponytails hurt!!!
Livy: (yelling in agony) They do hurt!!! She says they don't!!!!
Me: I guess you two disagree.

There is a pause while they look at each other, deciding if I am making any sense. Then the tension dissipates, and they tell me (slightly more politely than this, but not much) to get lost.

I think this situation happened because little children take their opinions and feelings and the things they know about the world so seriously. This is a good thing; they know what they know and won't be swayed. What they do not know is that people can disagree and still be friends. A parent pointing out that they disagree in a nonchalant way shows them that disagreement is not a disaster. They learn that their own ideas do not have to change because someone else thinks differently. They learn that other people have minds of their own and that others have the right to their own ideas and opinions. Sometimes it is hard for me not to just tell them what I think, but the fact is, they didn't ask, and if they care what I think, they'll let me know. My goal is not to teach them the truth about ponytails or whatever other thing they are arguing about. My goal is to teach them to discuss things with each other civilly and to be first-handed in their acquisition of knowledge.

Tough Choices

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Ryan and I had a bit of a disagreement the other afternoon that might help to illustrate how I use Positive Discipline techniques in combination with my principle of giving the kids as much choice and control over their own bodies as I possibly can.

As I mentioned in the potty training post, one of the lessons Brendan and I learned about Ryan is that he is very reluctant to take care of his bodily needs when his brain is engaged. The potty thing isn't so much of an issue anymore, outside of his tendency to drop trou and play "pee-pee light sabers" in the front yard with his next door friend--although I think they'll change it to "pee-pee Ghostbusters" after they've seen that movie: "Don't ever cross the streams!" Boys are interesting creatures.

But I digress.

But Ryan still neglects to eat, drink, or sleep when his brain is turned on and fully activated. A trait which, as a friend pointed out, comes directly straight from Brendan. See? Ryan's not All Me after all!

The other afternoon, we were all hanging outside in the front yard, and it was HOT--mid-80s, if you can believe. Ryan and Morgan had been playing outside with their friends for several hours, and he was sweaty and dirty. Good times. He complained to me about how hot he was as he was zooming past me for the hundredth time, so I said that it was probably time he took a drink of water to rehydrate and offered him my water bottle.

Immediately, "NO! I don't want to take a drink of water!"

Now, if he had just stopped with a run-of-the-mill objection, and if he hadn't looked soooooo very hot and thirsty and tired, I would not have pushed the issue. But upon observing him, I realized that it had probably been a very long time since he had had anything at all to drink. And knowing him, I realized that he might need my assistance in doing the right thing for himself.

Also, he stopped right in front of me and began barraging me with complaints and objections--because he knew what was coming! "I'm not going to drink water! You're not the boss of me! I'm in charge of my own body!" etc. etc. etc. He doth protest too much, methinks.

So I told him very calmly, "You've been outside playing for many hours in the hot sun. I can tell by the way you look and by the way you are acting that you need a drink. You need to stay hydrated when playing hard outside in the hot sun. This is something that must be done in order for you to be safe and healthy. So you have a choice--take a drink right now or go inside where it is cooler."

He: "I hate this choice! I don't wanna make this choice! Why do I always have the tough decisions?"

Me: "It seems to me like you're choosing to go inside since I haven't seen you take a drink yet. Can you go inside all by yourself, or do you need my help?"

He tried to stare me down (I think it's a Jedi thing) and I just looked back at him. Then he grabbed my water bottle, took a long drink, sat down on the grass, and began to cry.

He: "That was so mean! Why did you make me drink? I hate having all of these tough choices!"

Me: "I know you didn't want to stop and take a drink."

He: "Why do YOU always get to tell me what to do? I want to decide if I want a drink or not!"

Me: "I know you do. And usually, you ARE the one in charge of deciding when your body is thirsty. But sometimes I've noticed that when you're really busy, you don't like to stop and take care of your body--like when you don't want to eat something. I know that your body needs water when you're playing outside on a hot day--I have that information and experience and when I notice that you are not taking care of your body, then I will help you do that. It's actually my job to help you make good choices about taking care of yourself if I notice that you are not making good choices."

He had stopped crying enough to tell me: "Well, I want to decide!"

Me: "Yes, and you chose to take a drink because you didn't want to go inside. You made a good decision, since you wanted to stay outside and play some more."

He: "Well . . . I really don't like all of these tough choices I have to make ALL THE TIME."

Me: "Mmm-hhmmmm." (Thinking, well, one day you'll have a mortgage, kid!)

And then he ran off and played some more, and came and took water breaks of his own accord.

For Ryan, breaking him out of the not-good-for-him cycle really helps him get back on track, and then he really is generally amenable to making good choices.

But I also liked how I handled this issue from a PD perspective. I didn't get upset, I explained the reasoning, set the limit, and gave him a choice in what happened. I empathized with his feelings and allowed him to express them appropriately (I don't view his saying that he doesn't like something I'm doing as inappropriate--very much a different view from that of my own parents when I was a child).

I also reinforced my own principles--helping him understand the way in which I knew he was thirsty (pointing him to reality), explaining that my role as someone more experienced was to give him information he might not have, giving him as much freedom as I could before drawing the line, knowing that if I had to force him into the house that I would do it gently and calmly, and pointing out that the decision he made was a good one given his desire to continue to play outside.

I decided that this was a battle I'd be willing to "fight" because of his tendency to ignore his physical needs and because it was really pretty damn hot that day and he clearly needed a drink. This fell into the realm of personal safety--so I stepped in, in a kind and firm way, and ultimately he made a good choice.

Emotions

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

From the three-year-old screaming in anger because she was denied her chance to play with the latest video game, to the six-year-old shouting "Woohoo!" at an earsplitting decibel level because he just found that special rock that had gone missing from his collection, to the baby who freaks out every time Mom moves more than three feet away: little kid emotions are anything but little.

And I don't know for sure, but I suspect, that the emotions continue to be big as the kids get older. :o)

One of the greatest benefits I've gained from all of my research into positive discipline is learning some excellent techniques for helping my kids identify and handle their emotions. And even better: I have improved at identifying and handling my own emotions, too.

Everyone has heard of "The Terrible Twos," that developmental stage where a child's Big Emotions emerge in Big Ways and can often be overwhelming for everyone to deal with. As I was contemplating mommyhood, I was very nervous at the thought that I would one day be faced with such a creature, since it was often so difficult for me to handle some of my own big feelings.

And it has been difficult at times. It's really hard to remain calm and collected when someone is freaking out in your face. Or when multiple someones are ganging up on you to make you lose your mind having diametrically opposed issues (that is, the only way to satisfy one person is to disappoint the other). Or when you needed to leave the house 15 minutes ago. Or when you happen to be caught up in your own strong emotions.

I can honestly report that I'm getting better all the time. :o)


Call A Spade A Spade

When the kids were very small, we told them the names of the emotions they were experiencing. This may sound like a "well, duh" kind of thing to do, but I am amazed at how often I have encountered parents who have not done this. Identifying the emotion is the natural first step to belong a child understand and control his emotions.

When someone seems upset, I take a stab at what they might be thinking and say something like: "You seem mad." I learned early on that I would be corrected if my guess was even slightly off.

• "It's frustrating when you can't break apart those LEGOs."
• "You're sad because you can't find your special leaf." (True story.)
• "Wow, you must be so proud of yourself!"

Even with the baby, who as far as I can tell only understands the words milk, kitty, Daddy, and possibly his own name, I am naming his emotions for him. Because one day he will understand what I'm saying and feel the need to correct me.


Listen Actively

Back when I used to have a Real Job (ha ha!), I managed people for a living. (Hmmm....that's actually a lot like my job these days.) I went to a few classes to learn about how to manage people and one thing I found really useful was something called "Active Listening." Oh hey, look! There's a website!

One of the techniques for active listening is to "reflect" or paraphrase what you're hearing in order to empathize and make sure you're understanding everything correctly. Sometimes, it's enough to just know that someone cares adn understands, you know?

Many of the PD books offer the same advice when dealing with kids. I find this works well in combination with the Naming the Emotions ideas, too. Some examples:

• "You seem so sad. You didn't like it when she pushed you."
  
• "I know, it's hard to wait for your turn."
• "What happy news! You completed your project!"

Ayn Rand noted that emotions are not tools of cognition. In the essay "Philosophical Detective," from Philosophy: Who Needs It, she writes (emphasis added):

An emotion as such tells you nothing about reality, beyond the fact that something makes you feel something.

Active listening--naming the emotion plus reflecting what's happening--is so useful in the moment, because it helps the child connect the big emotion he is experiencing with something in reality. It helps him begin to understand that emotions are not causeless and random; that emotions give a person clues to what is going on inside his own mind and in reality.

When the emotions are strong and overwhelming (as in Meltdown, Fit, Tantrum, Knock Down Drag Out, Spazz, what have you) and the child is out of control, it can be very scary for her. Helping her identify what she's feeling, and why she is feeling it, is an essential part of comforting her. Eventually, she'll be able to do those things for herself and say things to you like:

"ARRRGGGHHH! I'm so frustrated because I can't open the lid to the Ovaltine and BBBLLLEAEAARRRGG!" (Also a true story.)

And while such a statement might begin and end with a scream, it's the middle part that will (hopefully) stick in her maturing brain. By the time she's an adult, she'll maybe be able to just go with the middle part!


Be An Example

Kids are benevolent little parent-stalkers; they are watching your every move so that they can learn how grownups behave. They're trying to figure it all out because they are working so hard to become grownups themselves, so they observe--and imitate. [Insert "Memorable Evil Laugh" here.]

In this area of emotions, being a good example for my kids has been a challenge for me. I never learned good ways to manage my own frustrations and anger. I knew this about myself going in, but it wasn't until I read some great books about how to better communicate with kids that I finally learned some techniques for just how to improve.

These days, I say things like:

"Having my pathway blocked with toys makes me feel frustrated and worried that I might trip and fall!"

Instead of:

"Arrrgghhh! Get these toys out of my way!"

The first way is better because it models the way I'd like my kids to speak; it identifies my emotions accurately (as opposed to appearing as if I'm inexplicably MAD); and it connects the feelings I'm having with something in reality, offering an explanation about why. Again--identify the emotion(s) and the Something in reality that is triggering the emotion.


Know Thy Temperament

I found the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka to be so helpful in understanding my kids' temperaments, and my own, too. My friend Kelly suggested this book to me and it has become one of my go-to resources when I'm trying to understand something related to temperament issues. Another resource I refer to often is The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron, because both Ryan and I are off-the-charts sensitive types. Sensitive in this case is used in the sense of highly observant and HS people tend to be prone to being overwhelmed by external stimuli.

Each of my kids have different personality traits, even though they all came from the same place, which is so interesting to me. Some of those traits were present from birth, although it's easier to identify in hindsight than at the time.

Ryan, as I mentioned, is extremely sensitive and not terribly persistent. Morgan is extremely persistent and incredibly focused on her own inner world. It's still a bit early to tell, but if I had to make some generalizations about Sean's personality, it would be that he's somewhere between Ryan and Morgan on the sensitivity scale, and that he tends toward Big Passionate Feelings with extreme ups and downs (which blows over quickly, thankfully). Ryan is just like me--it's really kind of eerie. Morgan is even more eerily like her father, if you can believe.

Each kid handles emotions differently, and it seems very temperament-driven. When Ryan gets angry, he quickly and easily becomes overwhelmed and needs quite a bit of help calming down. The technique that has worked really well for him has been the Deep Breath Technique. We count "1...2...3..." and then he takes a deep breath. This must often be repeated over and over for minutes at a time. As he's matured, he can identify when he needs a Deep Breath, and can usually just do it himself.

When Morgan feels incredibly angry or sad, she needs to run and hide. If you try to intrude on her space during this hibernation period, she freaks out and you have to start all over again. So I let her curl into a ball in a corner somewhere, and just check on her occasionally until she is calm and ready to talk.

Our friend Livy needs a physical outlet for her big emotions. Once, when throwing a tantrum at my house, she moved from room to room, kicking and flailing her arms, using big motions. I let her have space to do this, but I did ask her to move away from the baby when she was getting a bit too close.

Help the child understand his personality. I don't how old a child must be before he is able to introspect in the same way an adult can, but there are ways a parent can help a child understand aspects of his temperament and encourage introspection. I have said such things as:

• "You need space when you're feeling sad. I'll give you some space now."
• "That sad kind of music makes you feel sad--you're noticing the feelings the composer put into the music."
• "When you have a problem, you never give up--that's persistence."
• "You always like to do things for yourself. You like being independent."
• "When you're mad, you like to kick until all of the mads are all kicked out."

Helping the child introspect and understand his personality can help him figure out when his feelings and reality don't match. It's really good practice, being able to identify any errors that might have been made.

A parent often has to tailor their words, responses, and actions to each child's unique personality. I this is especially true when helping them deal with their emotions.


Don't Be Negative

I don't know if this was intentional on my parents' part or not, but somehow I came out of my childhood thinking that Anger is a Bad Thing. It has taken me, oh, until a couple of years ago to truly understand that Anger is a very useful emotion. It tells you: "Hey! There's some kind of injustice here! Figure out what it is and fix it!" Only in a very strong hard-to-ignore kind of way.

For a kid, the most difficult emotions to handle are the so-called "negative" emotions: anger, sadness, frustration. For a parent, those are the hardest ones for me to help my kids handle, too.

My focus has been on helping them understand that these emotions tell you "Something's wrong!" (A more accurate way to view the "negative" part of these negative emotions, I think). However, I try not to convey the impression that I think the emotions themselves are wrong somehow.

One way to do that is to allow the kids to experience the emotions. So many times--and I've caught myself doing this, too--I see parents wanting to fix the problem or distract the child away from the emotion, before the child is ready. And I understand the temptation--those emotions sure are LOUD and you want them to stop already!

Don't get me wrong--sometimes distraction is the thing that's needed. There certainly is a fine line between expressing your emotion and wallowing in it--especially for a kid like Ryan. But I also think that many times, simply holding a crying child and saying "I know, I know" while they work through their emotions can be extremely beneficial. (Is this a sensitive personality thing? I really don't know.) If every sad or mad emotion is met with a "Oh, you're fine! Look, a shiny new toy!" it can confuse the child, make him think that there is something wrong with feeling or expressing certain emotions, or even encourage him to hold those emotions in.

So it takes some thinking about and trial-and-error. Our general procedure is this:

• Identifying the emotion, with reassurance that it's valid to be feeling that way: "It's okay to be mad/sad. That tells you something is wrong."
• Letting them know that I'm here to help them solve the problem as soon as they are ready: "When you're done feeling mad, we can solve the problem."
• Helping them find an appropriate outlet for those big strong feelings (a punching pillow, or a hidey-hole).
• Once everyone is calm, work on solving the problem.

Another way to avoid inadvertently giving the child the wrong impression that Anger or Sadness is "bad" is to stay with the child while he's experiencing those emotions. When one of my kids is throwing a temper tantrum, as much as I want the noise to stop, or as overwhelmed by the noise I might personally be, I do not banish them from the room until they can get back in control.

Instead, I might say "You're screaming is so loud that others can't talk. Let's go up to your room and I will help you calm down." And then we go through the Deep Breath Ritual (with Ryan). With Morgan, she will usually run and hide, but sometimes needs help regaining control--with her, I have to really play it by ear. I might also say "You're out of control and I know you don't like that feeling. I'm here to help you."

If they are expressing their anger in inappropriate ways, such as throwing toys or hitting at people, I might say "You're mad. It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to throw toys at me. I'm going to put these toys up until you are calm. Would you like to punch this pillow instead?"

There are times when I've not been physically with my tantrumming child, but those instances are the exception rather than the norm. Sometimes when I am becoming overwhelmed by all of the screaming, or need some space to give the matter some rational thought, or when the kid just couldn't stop hitting, I've stepped away from the situation. It's one of my last-resort coping mechanisms. Usually it doesn't come to that, thankfully.


Honesty

I have one final thought. I encourage my kids to be completely honest about what they are feeling, even when that Huge Feeling of Injustice is directed right at me. Therefore my kids are free to say "I'm mad at you!" and "I HATE it when I have to pick up my toys!" or even "When you yell at me, that's mean!"

Any one of those heated declarations would have gotten me into big trouble as a child. But I think it's okay for them to be able to tell me how they're feeling--happy or sad. And you know, they are often justified.

There's a big difference, of course, between saying "I hate picking up my toys!" and "I hate you!" I haven't had the second statement directed at me very often (but remember, my kids are not yet teenagers), but when that line between "expressing your emotions" and "saying hurtful things because you are mad" gets crossed, it's important to redirect them back to what they are feeling.

One way to do this is to say "It hurts my feelings when you say that you hate me. Try saying 'I don't like it when you do that' instead." Or "You're mad at me--it's okay to be mad at me. It's not okay to call me names. Why don't you try telling me WHY you're mad?" It's very similar to how we handle inappropriate behaviors like hitting, actually, except saying hurtful things falls into the realm of words instead of actions.


There are so many other facets of dealing with emotions, of course. Are there any other areas I should write about, books I should be aware of, things I've missed here? But I think many of the techniques we use will help our kids use their emotions instead of being used by them.

He Amazes Me Again

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I have such great kids. Have I ever mentioned that? :o)

As I wrote yesterday, our friends and next door neighbors suffered a loss over the weekend. Our friend lost his father; his kids, their grandfather ("Paw-Paw"). It was unexpected and we're all very sad. He was a very nice, friendly man. Brendan and I have known them--and him--for 10 years.

Today was the visitation and I went to that in lieu of the funeral tomorrow. (Brendan will represent at the funeral.) I had planned to go by myself--well, my shadow comes with me everywhere, since he's rather attached to me (being that source of food and all), so going somewhere with just him is the same as going somewhere by myself these days. When Ryan heard about this plan, he told us plainly and in no uncertain terms that he wanted to go with.

Well, why not? He knew Paw-Paw, too. I thought it over and decided that I'd rather Ryan go to the visitation than the funeral. The visitation would be less formal, less intense, and less religious (which means slightly fewer questions for me to answer). And of course his buddies (A and his little brother, H) would be there, too. Brendan had to consider it a little longer, but he agreed to the plan.

So I talked it over with Ryan, explaining what a visitation was, what he would see (it was open casket), how to behave, how to speak quietly (his voice tends to carry), how this would not be a good place to run around with his friends, how this was a serious occasion, how he might see people being sad. And I mentioned a few hundred more times about being quiet and not talking too much.

In fact, when I mentioned the open casket, I thought that he might decide to stay here with Brendan. Nope! If anything, it made him more excited to go. Which made me a wee bit nervous. Those of you who know Ryan in real life (and those of you who've gotten to know him through this blog) understand my trepidation. Ryan is full of wonderful, bright, curious honesty, one of his greatest qualities. But he's also six, and when you're six, there's such a thing as too much inquisitiveness and too much honesty and too much talking. Tact, evidently, is a skill that must come later in life. :o)

For you Buffy fans, imagine bringing a newly un-demonized Anya Jenkins to an event like this. Yup.

I could not have been more impressed with him. He picked out a brand new shirt to wear because he wanted to look "fancy." He was patient on the long car ride. He helped me get the baby situated in the stroller and held the door open for me. When we went into the visitation room, he walked right up to A and said, "I'm sorry about your grandfather." Whereupon A corrected him and said that Paw-Paw was his Grandpa, not his grandfather (which is a normal sort of interaction for these guys). Then they started looking at Star Wars cards that their dad gave them.

In talking with A's mom, I learned that A had refused to go up to the casket and was very, very upset. Not that I blame him--I was completely freaked at my grandmother's funeral and wanted to be swallowed up into the earth when I saw her in her casket--and I was nearly thirteen. This little guy isn't even six yet.

A's mom asked Ryan and A and H if they wanted to put little flags in the casket (since Paw-Paw was a veteran of the Korean War) and Ryan said, "Sure!" He took one, marched right on up there, put the flag in the casket, said, "Goodbye, Paw-Paw" and his friend A went with him and left his flag, too. It was a moment, if you understand my meaning.

I think it really helped A, having his friend there. Of course, this whole thing was a million times easier for Ryan than for A, since it wasn't his grandfather up there. But again--he was so unafraid. I'm glad that his presence made it easier for his friend to go and say goodbye.

After that, whenever he was introduced to the family, he was polite and said "Nice to meet you." or "Hello." or "I'm six and I'm allergic to peanuts." or "I'm friends with A and H." Not too bad, not too bad at all!

This event was a big deal for me, too, not just because I knew and liked this man and am sad for my friends. I had the sense that this was one of those Big Parenting Moments, of not wanting to blow this for Ryan, knowing that how I talked about and acted in this situation would set the tone and example for him in all such future events. I wanted to set his expectations so that he would be prepared for what he experienced today. So that when we experience a death in our own family, he'll know that he can count on us to set expectations and help him through it at that time. And I was nervous because I'm not really good at funerals--and I'm also still just a wee tad eensy tiny bit hormonal. :o)

When my grandma died, my parents did a poor job of preparing me. I had never been to a funeral/visitation before and my mom and dad, so wrapped up in their grief, as well as maybe not wanting to upset me and my sister and brother even more than we already were, told us nothing. So everything was a big surprise and that made it, I think, worse than it needed to be. I think it made them too sad to talk about it and they didn't want us to see them sad. But you know, it's okay to be sad when someone dies. Yes, it can be upsetting for a child to see the adults around him sad--but when you talk about why and are sad together, isn't that better, ultimately? I wish that had happened when I was a kid. My sadness would have had some more of that healing feeling to it, and maybe a bit less confusion.

Along these same lines, we have been preparing both Ryan and Morgan for the impending death of one of our cats. She is very old, very ill, and we are planning to have her euthanized soon. We decided that this week wasn't a good week to do it--she's not suffering, so we have some time. (And we haven't told them about the euthanasia part--I think that would be a bit much for them to get, even as understanding as they are.) Even though she's just a cat, she's a member of our family, and I know this will hit them hard. Ryan and I have talked about, oh, lots of things to do with the kitty's illness. You'd be amazed--or perhaps you wouldn't--to learn that he has many elaborate plans for the kitty's bones. See why I was nervous about taking him today? :o)

I see I have digressed. Lots to think over, and writing it is helpful. Anyway, once again, Ryan has amazed me with his honesty, and I don't know . . . fearlessness is the only word that comes to mind. Good stuff, even in this bad situation. And, as an aside, bringing the baby was a good plan, too--I had lots of people saying how glad they were to see a baby there. (Which is good, since I kinda had to bring him.) I think there is something so hopeful and happy and optimistic about the presence of babies that people who are grieving respond to.

And now, to bed with me!