Homeschool Plans

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Yesterday I sat down with each of the older kids and we made a big list of things they want to cover in our homeschool year, or a Things I Want to Know list. I actually do this with them periodically anyway, but since it feels end-of-summery/beginning-of-schooly to me (even though we don't really follow the official school schedule), I was kind of in the mood to revisit this little project.

I do this with them because I think it's important that the kids have a voice in what they learn--it's one of the reasons we wanted to homeschool in the first place. I want them to get practice and experience in deciding what their values are and going after them, and this is a way we can do that. I still chafe at the word unschooler and really can't quite call us an unschooling family (partly because nobody, including unschoolers, can seem to define the term), but the kids are very self-directed. I view my role as resource provider/guide/chauffeur/perspective-adder/question-asker/context-pointer-outer/connection-maker. We are relaxed in how we do schooly things, and I do not step in their way until and unless they demonstrate that they need guidance or help, which is consistent with my views on discipline issues.

Making a Things I Want to Know list is also a great way for me to get to know them a little better. Even though I have very talkative children who seem to want to fill me in on every single thought they have, there were some surprises on their lists, glimpses into thoughts and ideas that I'd not yet seen or been privy to. So it's fun for me to find out what they're thinking about. And it's also a way for me to give them my ideas on how we can accomplish their goals, so that they see me as that resource/idea provider, and not merely as "Mom." :o)

We're going to do a new thing with these lists, too. After I'm done with this post, I will copy their lists out onto giant pieces of paper and we'll hang them on the walls somewhere. I know for sure that Morgan will love this idea; Ryan, I'm not so sure about, but we'll give it a try. Having their goals posted in a visible area will help the kids keep them, I don't know, present in their daily lives. I made sure to stress that we can add and subtract from the list as necessary, that this is not something they are locked into by any means. Having the lists posted on the walls is a way to introduce them to methods for staying organized (see this interesting link for ways to introduce GTD to children) as well as good practice for keeping track of your goals and pursuing your values.

So you're probably wondering what's on these lists we made, huh? Well, here they are! Each kid's personality really shows, and you can tell what kinds of things they're interested in.

Morgan's List

• Learn German, French, Russian, and Greek
• Chess Class (at co-op)
• ASL Class (at co-op)
• Read more Little House on the Prairie books (as read alouds)
• More read alouds: Harry Potter and Narnia books
• Library Trips
• Writing practice, specifically focusing on holding the pen/pencil properly (she still tends to grip it with her fist)
• DreamBox Math
• Play with math blocks (Cuisenaire rods)
• Dog Art Class (her term)
• Drawing Class (at co-op)
• Piano
• Arts and Crafts projects
• Dog training (we don't have a dog, but we thought we'd read some books maybe)
• Go to the zoo and the park
• Go hiking on mountains
• Independent Reading: Junie B. Jones books, Nate the Great books, Ramona books
• Cooking
• Science Fair (at co-op)

This was the first time I'd done such a list with Morgan, and now I'm wishing I'd done this a year ago. With the exception of me making some specific suggestions for her independent reading books, she came up with all of that on her own. Surprising to me: that her interest in languages extended beyond French (which Brendan kinda sorta knows) and German (which I kinda sorta know); that she actually wants to learn how to hold a pencil properly; and that she wants to go hiking. Cool! And I'm pretty sure we can make most of her goals happen over the next year or so.


Ryan's List

• Use Math Blocks
• Watch Cyberchase
• Money (he means earn some, but that also entails math, heh!)
• Doctoring
• Cooking
• Hunting
• Exploring
• Being a Janitor and a Babysitter (At the same time? AWESOME.)
• Spying
• Detective Work
• Building Models
• Poetry
• Read alouds: Continue with Sherlock Holmes mysteries (a Ryan-Brendan Saturday morning tradition)
• Audiobooks: The Lord of the Rings and The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
• History at our House: European History
• Learn about architecture
• Peopleguy Tours (I'll write about this very soon)
• Filming Movies
• Writing his book about the Atlanta Falcons (for real)
• Writing on his blog and sending email
• Growing plants
• Being a veterinarian
• Learn about liquids (and other states of matter, I guess?)
• Weather Systems
• Grilling (the cooking kind, not the interrogation kind)
• Hike Red Top Mountain
• Go to Civil War sites in Georgia
• Chess Class (at co-op)
• ASL Class (at co-op)
• Robotics Class (at co-op)
• Make a robot to help do stuff around the house (Wow, I'd love it if he can do that!)
• Sewing for Robots (they'll need clothing, apparently, to do all that housework, as opposed to House Elves)
• Science Fair (at co-op)
• Get history books from the library
• Carpentry
• Learn the skills needed to run a good conference (for real, he said this)

As those of you who know him in real life can probably imagine, he rattled this list off at high speed, as if he'd only been waiting for me to ask the question! It's also twice as long as Morgan's, and he could have kept going, only the baby woke up from his nap, so we had to agree that he could add stuff later. His peopleguy focus is very apparent, too. He wants to learn to do Real Things that Real Peopleguys Do. He doesn't want to learn about doctors--he wants to be a doctor. This is how he does. (Anyone have an apprenticeship he can join? He really is a hard worker!) Surprising to me: the desire to be a janitor (but a welcome surprise!); his interest in poetry; that he remembered to add math; and his strong need to know how to run a good conference. He's prepping for his CEO days, I guess.

I really enjoyed making this lists with my kids (but then again, I'm a list-y kind of person), and I already know I'll love being able to see their lists around the house. It will help me remember to take them hiking and go to the library, and it gives me an idea about which movies and documentaries to get from Netflix. Also, I really need to figure out how to turn this peopleguy stuff into a home improvement advantage for me!

I'd love to hear more about how other homeschoolers (and afterschoolers and regular schoolers) talk to their kids about their learning goals. Any good ideas?

Are You a Fan Yet?

I set up our official Facebook Fan Page today, woohoo! Here is the link:

Cultivating the Virtues

And you'll have noticed that there is a little box now on the left sidebar linking to it.

Our Fan Page is another step toward world conquest our getting this project organized into a real-live grown-up business. :D :D :D :D And also: :D

I also linked our Fan Page updates to Twitter. Yes, you can now follow Cultivating the Virtues on Twitter, too! We've actually had that account set up for many months, but hadn't a need for it until, well . . . until just now.

We'd appreciate your Fandom, RTs, accolades, laurel wreaths, and of course, questions and comments.

And here's a question--what do you think about a semi-regular "Open Thread" here on the CtV blog? If you'd be interested in something like that, let us know!

Grocery Store Math

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I have something exciting to share with you--the last few trips to the grocery store with the kids have been, well . . . actually FUN. Before I tell you just why that is, allow me to describe a typical grocery store scene.

Sean usually rides in the cart, as he is the least trustworthy and most likely to cause lasting damage. (It's a close call, between him and Morgan, but he's the one who needs to be in the cart. I think.) We always start off fine--I've got my list, I've laid down the law set kind and firm limits about what I will and will not buy, will and will not do, and will and will not put up with during the trip.

Everyone agrees to the general plan, and apparently I am an idiot because I will often feel good about our prospects for a smooth grocery store run, suffering as I do from Grocery Store Amnesia (similar to Pregnancy Amnesia). Which is pretty funny if you think about it, as I go to the grocery store every three days, and seem to only have kids every three years. You'd think frequency would lessen the effects of GSA, but maybe it's even more powerful than amnesia caused by pregnancy. Hmph.

We wander in, Morgan on one side of the cart, Ryan on the other. We'll pick up the first few items, when suddenly the cart will veer off to the right, as M acts as a wayward rudder due to her grip on the side of the cart.

"Don't pull the cart off to the side, please!" I'll say, kindly and firmly, still in the grip of Amnesia. "Okay, Mom!" says she. Lulled by this sense of actual connection, we keep heading onward . . . toward destiny.

Okay, now we're in the produce section, and suddenly a fight breaks out between Ryan and Morgan over who gets to choose which kind of apple to buy. "Hey, we can get a couple kinds of apples!" I say, encouragingly, and because I'm still filled with patience and kindness. We work out a plan for apples (or whatever kind of fruit or veggie they were wanting) and move on.

Morgan steers the cart toward a little old lady. "Morgan! Watch where you're going!" M: . . . I try again. "Morgan? Morgan? Morgan! MORGAN!" M, surprised to hear her name: "Huh?" "M, watch where you're going! You nearly pulled the cart into that lady!" "But Mom! Did you see the lobsters?"

We all (except for me, a life-long hater of lobsters) stop and admire the lobsters.

Moving on, as I'm loading things into the cart, Ryan has now suddenly decided that the side of the cart M had been walking along was actually the one he wanted, and executes a coup. M complains for a minute, then switches to the other side. Sean, as if on cue, reaches over and pulls her hair.

I extricate M from Sean's grip, pat Sean on the back to soothe his cries as his right to pull Morgan's hair has been violated (as Ryan helpfully points out), and try to check things off my grocery list at the same time (the list is on my iPhone). Sean notices my iPhone and screams for it, just as Morgan accidentally knocks several items off a shelf, as she'd been walking down ahead of the cart with her arms outspread and, you know, actually touching the items on the shelf. I chuck the iPhone at Sean and help M pick up the boxes of whatever, when Ryan starts freaking out "Morgan! Morgan! What did she touch? Did it have peanuts in it? Blaaaaahhhhhhhgggg!"

I try to explain "It's safe, Ryan. She knocked over bags of flour/packages of diapers/the entire spice rack/etc." To no avail. He is now convinced she is contaminated with peanuts and shrieks like a banshee if she gets within three feet of him. Just for fun, Sean reaches down and pulls her hair again.

I'm only halfway through my list now, and start jogging down the aisles, tossing items into the basket (after reading the labels of course!) and trying to check the screen on my iPhone (which Sean is waving in the air over his head) to determine which items are absolutely necessary (wine) and which ones I can buy later, preferably at a time when I can ditch leave the kids with Brendan and come back to the store by myself.

Morgan, still crying from the latest hair-pulling and because she can't keep up with how fast I'm going, gets confused and accidentally turns the other way and manages to get halfway down the meat aisle before realizing that nobody is with her. She panics, not hearing me call her name or seeing me standing there (for I have noticed her detour), and starts to SCREAM.

Meanwhile, Ryan is still complaining that Morgan might have touched something with peanuts in it (no matter how I reassure him she didn't), and Sean has called everyone in the contact list on my iPhone. I decide to eff the rest of the grocery list, and consider developing a religion so I might have someone to pray to in order to get through the checkout line without losing my temper, or without Morgan or Sean actually grabbing something that DOES have peanuts in it, thereby causing Ryan to have some sort of screaming spaz* (or worse, a reaction) in the checkout lane. We finally leave, having purchased only two-thirds of the list, and I vow to NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. Until three days later.

But this, THIS! scenario hasn't happened lately, and THAT was actually the whole point of this post, but I got a little carried away there. :o)

Our latest grocery store trips have been lots of fun, and it's all because of Math. I know, MATH!

I've always tried to tally up what I'm buying, so as not to be surprised in the checkout lane. (I'm not really one for surprises as a general rule.) In the last six months I've endeavored to be a real stickler for this practice, as I'm carefully watching our money almost like I've never done before. So take the above scenario, imagine me frustrated even more because all of the altercations make me forget how much I've spent so far, and . . . that's not good.

So guess what I did? I involved the big kids! (Seanie still gets the iPhone . . . for now.) I started saying my tally out loud, and saying things like "Hmmm. . . this item is $5.50. I've already spent $32, so how much is that?" And one time, someone piped up with "$37.50!" Conceive of my surprise and delight!

I started making it into a game, and both big kids started joining in. Sometimes things get a little heated when someone is a bit quicker at the mental math than the other, so we work out a deal--M can take this question and Ryan takes the next. Morgan is usually quicker than Ryan, but he has a better grasp on the concepts and can add more quickly when carrying is necessary (such as $39 + $12) because he is able to rearrange and group the numbers into 10s and re-form the problem into $40 + $11.

Oh. My. Goodness. This is so cool. Of course, they get good math practice, and think it's fun! Also, I get help keeping tabs on what I'm spending. I can also show them how much cash I have on hand, or tell them my budget for that trip, and we can make sure we stay within it. If we're getting close to our budget, they don't pester me for extra items, and Ryan will often warn me against buying much else. We talk about other ways to change the equation around. They understand (and sometimes I'll actually point this out) how darn useful math can be, and are motivated to learn more. And now Sean will shout "67!" after the others shout it--he's paying attention and beginning to learn, too.

And apparently, doing mental math is so interesting/fun/helpful to Mom/what-have-you that there's just no energy left for walking down the aisles with arms stretched out, or arguing about who was walking on which side of the cart first. (For now.)

It's so surreal! And lovely. Wow, I hope it lasts.


*For the record, the grocery store is a harrowing place for a kid with a severe food allergy to go, so I don't blame him one little bit for being nervous. I do, however, blame him just a teensy bit for thinking I would cavalierly saunter up and down the aisles if he were in actual danger. But he'll outgrow that. I hope. :o)

Take Time for Training & Jobs Update

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

So this post is a wee bit overdue! But I didn’t want to forget about it, because this is such an important topic to me lately. In my previous post, I didn’t really get into specifics about the kinds of jobs and responsibilities my kids have and how we handle that.

I’ve been asked about this before. Do my kids have chores and if so, what kind of chores?

Not Chores: Responsibilities

They do have chores, but we call them responsibilities. This is a personal preference on my part, because as a kid, I hated the word chore. It’s such a drudgey, drab, mean, workhouse sort of a word. It may be merely semantics, but even now, I find myself in a much better frame of mind if I think about ‘handling responsibilities’ instead of ‘doing my chores.’ Also, the word chore is limiting—yes there’s work to be done around the house, but they have responsibilities beyond that, such as finding their own shoes or brushing their teeth. I think using the more general term helps them understand that both kinds of tasks, either done for oneself or done because it’s part of living in a family, are important.

Who Does What and When?

My mom was a great one for lists and schedules, so as a child we always had elaborate chore lists. On Mondays I did the dishes and my sister swept the floor. On Tuesdays I dusted and my sister did the dishes. I know my brother was on the list, too, but gaining his actual assistance in these matters was, uh, a struggle (Hi, Brother, if you’re reading!).

Now I’m also a list and schedule type of person, but I don’t have lists of chores for my kids. For one thing, I’m not that organized about housework in general (as you will understand if you ever visit my house). For another, I fully recall using that list against my mom and don’t want it used against me. How was the list turned against my mother? Because, like any good union worker, I did my job and only my job as assigned. I lifted not another pinky. It didn’t matter if we were having company, or we had all been sick and were behind on things. It didn’t matter if we were simply more messy than usual. I. Would. Not. Do It. I used to try to convince them to eat out on my dishes night, and would try to persuade them to eat in when it wasn’t my night. You can see where Ryan gets this, huh?

Instead, I try to focus on doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done (similar to just-in-time manufacturing. I suppose I could call it just-in-time responsibilities-handling). As I described in the previous post, the kids do their laundry, with a bit of assistance from me. I had originally had a Designated Laundry Day in mind when I transferred this responsibility to Morgan and Ryan. Then I realized that it’s just easier to note when their laundry baskets are full and use that as the cue for Today is Laundry Day. Hmmm…reality-driven. Imagine.

Other reality-just-in-time-driven tasks might include: dishes, picking up the toys at the end of the day or when the floor is creaking under the vast weight of the detritus, cleaning up spills when they happen, etc.

Here are some of the responsibilities that the kids routinely handle (with my assistance and/or insistence):

• Cleaning up spills
• Putting things away
• Picking up toys and clothes in their rooms
• Unloading/loading the dishwasher
• Helping put groceries away
• Buckling their own seatbelts
• Cleaning out the car
• Throwing trash in the trashcan
• Helping put the trash at the curb
• Brushing teeth and other grooming duties
• Sweeping the sidewalk after Brendan mows
• Pruning trees and bushes
• Weeding the flower beds
• Picking up the mail

All of this is very age-specific, of course. Morgan, petite little thing that she is, is still in a five-point-harness type of carseat. So she needs help getting unbuckled from her seat because one of the release buttons is really hard for her to push. And we’re still working on hair-brushing skills. (I can’t really remember from my childhood, but is that something that takes a while to figure out?) But that’s okay. She handles the portions she can, and I certainly don’t mind helping with the hard stuff.

Get ‘Em Young

I can generally guarantee that Ryan will be helpful if he gets to use a real tool somehow. So he’s always eager to sweep up the grass clippings, as you can see. Even Sean is imitating this and will grab the broom as soon as Ryan leaves it on the ground.

This is how it starts, by the way. Toddlers, as you may know, LOVE to be helpful. Yet they often are not at all helpful, having somewhat different ideas about where the phone belongs (the garbage) or how to clean up a spill (by rolling in it). But they are also eager to be involved and to learn. So when I notice my toddler wanting to “help” I will quickly think of a way for him to use those helpful powers for Good instead of Evil.

“Oh, you want to Put Things In! Very helpful! Why don’t you put this LEGO in this box?” And then hand him a LEGO and guide his hand to the right box. Sean is just learning the Put Things In game, and so needs lots of help to know where the Thing needs to be Put, but I know that in short order, he’ll actually be pretty helpful at this. For now, I just rearrange things as necessary and try not to encourage the Take Things Out game too much.

Toddlers love to put wet things in the dryer, by the way. They also love to take a baby wipe and rub it on the windows or the floor or a table. Sure, you need to make sure they don’t get it all dirty with marker and then wipe the carpet, but usually that’s not too much of a problem. And Sean is learning to wipe up spills. He isn’t too good at this job yet, but he knows to take the dish towel and swipe it in the general direction of the spill. It’s these little steps that will build into full-fledged reliable responsibility.

Taking Time for Training

Sometimes, the kids don’t want to handle their responsibilities. I know, shocker! This is where Taking Time for Training is necessary, because sometimes they are simply overwhelmed or confused by the task. Each success with a smaller step will help the child learn that this is something he can indeed handle, and that practice builds confidence. Now, you may still need to guide them toward doing it, but I have learned the hard way that it’s a good idea to make sure they understand what you’re asking before engaging in a battle over it.

With Ryan, it was a struggle to get him to buckle his own seatbelt and I am so not kidding. He was in a booster and could use the regular shoulder belt, but the little booger dear didn’t WANT to. Well, I was tired of doing this job that I knew he could handle, so I told him that this was now his responsibility and that I would help him learn to do it.

I broke this task down into very small steps, and allotted extra travel time for the inevitable battle/learning curve. The first thing I did was pull the shoulder strap all the way across him and held the buckle just next to the slot and had him push it in. After a few days of this, I would pull the strap for him, but left the buckle in his lap so that he would have to (gasp!) pick it up himself and buckle it in. After a while of that, I had him begin to pull the shoulder strap (which can be unwieldy, no doubt) as far as he could by himself, and then I’d pull it the rest of the way so that he could buckle. Buckling is No Big Deal these days.

Morgan also needs help in breaking down steps, but doesn’t require so much physical overseeing, usually. She needs help in understanding what the next step should be, but will usually then do it independently once she knows what it is. For instance, when she spills something, she knows that she needs to wipe it up, but often hesitates as if she can’t remember just where we keep the dish towels or paper towels. I’ll say “Drawer.” to prompt her, and then she’ll head off in the right direction, get the towel, and then wipe up the spill. Then she’ll stand there and look at me. So I might say “Stairs.” to tell her to put the wet towel on the stairs so I can take it up and throw it in the laundry. She is not a natural multi-tasker, so I have learned (am learning) not to confuse her with too many directions at once.

Realistic Expectations (aka “Low Standards”)

I have had to work hard to cultivate patience in how something gets done. But if I remember that she’s four, so perhaps it’s okay if she didn’t quite get all of the mess because she really didn’t see it, then I find it infinitely easier to be encouraging of her efforts to handle the job and be responsible.

Sometimes, all they need is more practice. When Ryan first began to fold his own laundry, his shirts were more bunched up than flat. But now that he’s experienced, his shirts are fairly neat and tidy. Now I am being patient with the fact that he is still learning to transport his stack of neatly folded shirts into his drawer neatly. Because he spends all kinds of time folding them, then grabs up the whole stack and stuffs it into his drawer so that half of them are hanging out and all of them are bunched. :o) It’s a work in progress, and he’s getting it.

And this is where my generally low standards when it comes to housekeeping really come in handy! I myself am profoundly uninterested in the cleaning process even though the mess sometimes really stresses me out. I have learned that sometimes it is the effort that counts and am grateful that they are willing to help out at all. I try to take what I can get, know we can fine-tune things later, and realize that I will probably miss these messy chaotic days when they’re gone. Oh yeah—and I remember that they WILL be gone—there WILL be a time in which I can enter a room and not worry about stepping on a LEGO with my bare foot, or need to wonder where that smell is coming from. :D

Inviting Cooperation

Sometimes, people just don’t want to handle a job for which they have been fully trained, like cleaning up a spill or brushing their teeth. Often we try to make it into a game or sing Opera. They are also more likely to jump on the task if I help them out even just a little bit, say, by grabbing the dish towel and throwing it playfully in the kid’s face. Or if I’m doing some work of my own, they often will do their own work in parallel. So I might be loading the dishwasher and the kid is sweeping the floor. It’s easier to do some work you don’t especially like if you’re not the only one working.

Real Tools are always a big incentive around here. They can’t wait to get their hands on tools and love to do real jobs around the house. So they change light bulbs and air filters and dust things way up high with the feather duster. I try to let them use grownup tools as often as possible since they enjoy it so much, and it’s good practice, too!

We do not pay them for handling their responsibilities, though. So the allowance Ryan receives is not tied to this work around the house. I want them to learn that you need to take rational responsibility for the things you need to do. I do not want to pay someone to clean up a mess of their own making—the mess needs cleaning because it was made. I do not want to pay someone to brush their teeth—those teeth need brushing because it’s part of taking care of your body.

However, we will pay for Odd Jobs that need doing around the house—if and only if a person actually works. (Sometimes they want to show up for the Job but then hang around and claim that their mere presence entitles them to a bit of paying.) Such jobs include yard work or any kind of deep cleaning of the car or house. Ryan is helping Brendan in the basement lately, and we’ll pay him a little bit for that extra kind of work.

Remembering to Transfer Responsibilities

The difficult part for me as the parent is sometimes to remember to have them handle their responsibilities. Right now, if Sean spills, then it’s up to me to clean it up. I have to be conscious of the fact that he can begin to learn this skill and invite him to help me. But if I’m in a hurry or doing several other things simultaneously, then I might not remember to do this, or feel like I don’t have the time to show him what to do.

So periodically, I sit down and think about the things that need doing around the house and consider whether and to what extent any children can begin to learn to do these things. That’s how I decided to teach them laundry. Laundry isn’t hard if you know where to put the dials. It’s also fun, because you get to use real-live grownup machines and laundry detergent. So now the big kids are doing that, and helping with the dishes more often, grocery shopping (making lists, going with me to shop, putting food away), vacuuming up dry spills with the Dustbuster, organizing their books and toys. I just need to remember to pause and re-evaluate sometimes, because I find that the more I do that, the less work I have to do myself!

What are some of the jobs your kids do? Are there some I need to transfer to my kids? (Always looking for ideas!) How do you evaluate when it’s time for that transfer to happen? Are there any special or creative ways you enlist cooperation?

The Juggle Struggle

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

In the comments of my recent post about how I solve my own problems with the kids, Amy asked two questions:

Do you ever feel guilty for working on the computer?

And:

How do you determine what time is all yours, and what time you will spend focused on the kids?

I responded very briefly in the comments with:

I don't feel guilty about doing my work, whatever that may be--writing or reading or even cleaning up or reorganizing. Everyone seems to have a healthy respect for WORK, and they know they shouldn't interrupt someone while they are working. Doesn't mean they always refrain--just means they know they shouldn't!

Because they are small though, I try to do schedule my work during the times when it is easier for them to do what I need them to. So, I don't sit down at 5:30pm (aka The Witching Hour) and expect I'll get much writing done.

But I wanted to write more about this, because it's something I struggle with. I Struggle with The Juggle.


My Main Job is Mommy

It is difficult to get a great many things finished--writing, thinking, laundry, to name just a few tasks--when kids are around. And this has been one of the hardest things (possibly THE hardest thing) for a typical Type A planner task-oriented person such as myself to come to grips with as a stay-at-home parent. Because when kids are around, there's a whole bunch of interruptions and unpredictability. You just never know when someone's going to blow out a diaper or throw up or crack his head open or start screaming at her brother or need to show you a drawing or need to pontificate about the American Revolution. At least, I never know when that's likely to happen, so I've learned to expect it at any time.

Back when I had a regular job, it was also often difficult to complete a task from start to finish, due to all of the interruptions and unpredictability, sure. I had meetings to attend and crises to handle and unexpected phone calls and at the end of a work day, there were many tasks not completed, left for me to face the following day. But generally, in a typical work day, I completed something. I made that phone call, or ran that meeting, or filled out an expense report, or something.

There are days on the Mommy Job when I feel like I haven't completed ANYTHING. Now this is, of course, not exactly true, because let's be honest--if we're all basically in one piece at the end of each day, then that's a testament to my productivity, yes? So I complete Mommy-related tasks all day long--diapers changed, questions answered (or discussed at least), hugs given. A typical day on the Mommy Job.


Making Time for Non-Mommy Work, too

But sometimes I'm left frustrated because I haven't completed anything ELSE--any Jenn tasks. Too many of those kinds of days turns Generally Genial Jenn into Mean Monster Mommy. Since I am happier (and therefore much easier to live with) when I get to complete Jenn Work, too, I do my very best to ensure that I'm able to do that most days.

The most important thing I've done in order to be successful at completing Jenn Work has been to revise my expectations--of myself and of the kids. Take writing on the blog here--I am happy when I do it. It's good for my mental state. I really enjoy writing something thoughtful and reading the comments that people make and thinking them over. It's so much fun, and has become integral to my happiness.

However, it is not realistic for me to expect that I can complete and publish more than one or two super-thoughtful blog posts every week. I know this now! Sometimes I exceed that number of posts; many times I don't. Yes, I would love to write something semi-brilliant every day, but I just don't have that kind of time. Some moms could do this--but I can't. I have accepted this fact and am much more content with my writing output.

Before I figured this out, though, I tended to get really cranky when someone interrupted my writing. Like REALLY cranky. I felt resentful, irritated, hindered, stunted. And that made me not want to do my other job, my Mommy Job. Or made it next-to-impossible to do it well.

Similarly, I had to let get go of the idea that I could complete ANY task from start to finish. Seriously. When I begin to do something, I must consciously say to myself "I may not get this done, but that's okay. At least I'll get it started." Those of you Type B people may be bewildered by this, but it BOTHERS me to have things half-finished. Like it actually makes me itch or ache or something.

When I take the time to remind myself that it's entirely possible that I will NOT get to finish putting stamps on just two outgoing pieces of mail, let alone be able to stand up and go out and put them in the mailbox, let alone be able to put the part of the bill I need to save in the filing cabinet--then I'm in a much better frame of mind for when I'm not able to complete that small little "put stamps on two pieces of mail" task.


Respect for Work

The older kids do understand about Work, and that really helps matters. They understand that they have Work and that I have Work and that Brendan has Work. They know that when someone is working that you should not interrupt them. They know that our grownup work happens on the computer quite a bit and that when I'm looking at my computer, then my head is filled up with my thoughts and ideas, which makes it hard for me to hear their words. They know that some work brings income and that some work makes things run more smoothly around here (like paying bills). Some work is hard and some work is easy.

Because we respect them when they are working by giving them space and not interrupting them unnecessarily (and doing it gently when it is necessary), they typically pay us the same respect in kind. But they are kids and make mistakes and interrupt me. It happens. I try to maintain realistic expectations about when they can and will be able to handle, and help them think of ways to handle themselves if they do need to interrupt me.

And now I'm teaching Sean about Work. Just now, he crawled on top of a picture Morgan was drawing. I offered him a piece of paper and a pen and said "Sean, that's Morgan's work. You want to do some work, too. Here's your pen and paper. Come on!" And he actually came over! I will only need to repeat that scene approximately 5 million more times before he truly gets the idea. :o)


Daily Logistics

We still ask them every day--sometimes several times a day--the question: "What is your work going to be today?" It gets them thinking and planning and scheming and lets me know what their expectations might be for the day. If somebody says "I'm planning to go to the playground," then I can try to make that happen, or set their expectations appropriately if it can't happen for some reason.

And I do try my best to accommodate reasonable requests. My work is important--and so is theirs. No, we can't go to Nonnie's house every day because she lives all the way in Chicago. But we can make sure to take a walk around the pond, or to watch a particular movie, or make headway on a certain project, or read a particular book. Yes, I CAN do those things, and it's easier for me to work those kinds of things into my daily plans if I know about them ahead of time.

Our daily work discussion also provides me with an opportunity for me to tell them what MY work is going to be. I will say "I'm planning to write today." or "We need to run to the bank to deposit a cabin check today." Later on, when I'm trying to get people to get in the car to run errands, it's easier for me if I say "Oh remember? This was one of the things I had to do today. We talked about it this morning." It may not make the kid get 100% on the plan, but at least it's not coming out of nowhere.

I'm still working out some of the logistics of balancing Jenn Work with Mommy Work. It changes from day to day, depending how people's moods and their developmental needs. And it's definitely more challenging when you add more children to the equation. Exponential is a word that hops to mind. Also, each kid's particular developmental stage really affects my ability to do Jenn Work. New babies require lots of time, but much of that is sitting down. Toddlers require lots of time--running around! Preschoolers and grade-schoolers require talking time and chauffeur time. At least my life isn't boring!


The Juggle

For me, juggling the Mommy stuff and the Jenn stuff comes down to setting appropriate expectations, both for myself and for the kids. When things get really lopsided, that's when I get cranky. If I haven't had time to write or read something for myself in a while, and it's just building up inside me, I'll talk to Brendan and we'll work out a time for him to take The People for a few hours, usually on a weekend. We also have Date Nights, about once a week or every other week, so that we can talk to each other in complete sentences. :o)

If, on the other hand, I've been too busy with Jenn Work, the kids get really cranky! When they simply can't seem to be able to leave me alone for a second, that's my signal to re-evaluate what I'm doing. Sometimes, I will realize belatedly that I've said "Just a minute" several times, and those minutes have really stretched out beyond their endurance. When that happens, I sometimes feel a twinge of guilt, because I have been neglecting my Mommy Work. So I stop what I'm doing and get going on that Work, which of course, is my primary job and generally is my higher priority and obligation.

And in this back-and-forth way, I juggle juggle juggle. :o) Generally, I'm pretty successful, but I'm always open to suggestions for other ways to manage this issue. Thoughts?

I started this post 10 days ago and was interrupted in the writing of it approximately 17 zillion times. And that's okay. :o)

More Problem-Solving with the Kids

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

The post about problem-solving I wrote the other day focused on how I spend a good chunk of my time helping the older kids handle their conflicts with each other in a rational, fair way. After I published the post, I had the eye-widening realization that one day, there will be three kids having a conflict with each other! That's a thought that makes me a little weary.

One point I didn't make is how often I really don't have to step in and facilitate their conflict resolution. Sometimes I'll hear them gearing up toward a full-out war of wills and then one of them will say, "I know! What if we . . . ?" and then offer a solution that's fair and that everyone can live with. Or one will express emotion appropriately "I don't LIKE it when you do that!" So I don't always jump in and start helping them with their problem. I will listen a bit and give them a chance to get down to business before I get involved.

Sometimes, my only role is to step in and say "Sounds like a problem here. You two need to work on solving this and if you need my help, please let me know." My intervention serves two purposes: to remind them to focus on solving the problem, and also to stop the escalating emotions (and retributions) in their tracks before someone's feelings really get hurt.

Now that they have quite a bit of practice at this method of problem-solving, and they both understand that problem-solving is one of their responsibilities (not mine), they really are pretty good about managing this stuff on their own. No, not all the time--they're only 7 and 4--but they can and will do it. It really helps now that Morgan is older. When she was younger, and with Sean, I will play the role of the younger party so that the older kid gets negotiation practice, and to model this for the younger child. (And to prevent the younger child from being steamrolled by Ryan the older child.) Sean doesn't get it right now, but that's okay. One day he will begin to understand that this is how we do things and that he can count on me to help him say words and express his feelings. You gotta start sometime, and babyhood is the perfect time to get in the habit, I think.

What's interesting to me is what happens when I use this technique when the kids' friends are over and there's some kind of altercation. Only one of their friends (Livy) is parented in the same way my kids are. She's more used to how we do things and expects to be a part of the problem-solving process. But their other friends are not parented this way. Usually, the first time I sit the kids down to express their feelings, identify the problem and come up with solutions, the other child is very surprised. One of Ryan's friends routinely refuses to participate, which is frustrating for Ryan--and me. Another of his friends is an enthusiastic participant, generating solutions long past the time we agreed on a plan.

Another thing I didn't mention in my post the other is just how often I use this technique to problem-solve the conflicts I have with the kids. It's tough to do, because I am both a party to the conflict and yet still a facilitator, but I think it's been mutually beneficial to everyone. Here are a few examples just from today.


Problem: I was paying bills on the computer and Morgan was interrupting me, despite my asking her repeatedly to give me a few minutes to finish before I could talk to her.

I took my hands off the keyboard, turned around to her and said: "Morgan, I'm feeling frustrated. I've told you several times that I can't talk right now."

Morgan: "But I need you to look at this!" [brandishes a dog picture in my face]

Me: "I know you need me to look at your picture. And I want to. But I'm working right now and I'd like to finish this."

Morgan: "Well, look at it now!"

Me: "We have a problem. I need to look at the computer and my head is filled up with the words and things I'm thinking. I know you need me, but sometimes, since my head is so full of words, it takes me a while to hear the words you are saying. You don't like it when I'm not listening and paying attention to you, and you want to show me your picture. How can we solve this problem?"

Morgan, thinking: "Maybe I can wait until you are done?"

Me: "Yes, that would be helpful to me if you can do that. But if you think I'm taking too long, why don't you put your hand on my knee? That would tell me you are getting impatient and not interrupt my thinking. What do you think, can you do that?"

Morgan: "Okay!"


Problem: I needed everyone to be quiet while I was trying to get the baby to sleep. He had fallen asleep in the car and I explained to R & M before coming inside that I was going to get him to go back to sleep, so we all needed to be q-u-i-e-t. They agreed to this while we were all still in the car (or so I thought). Once inside though, they began pestering me with questions (disturbing the baby); ignoring my hand gestures for them to be quiet (disturbing the baby); necessitating a need for me to speak and remind them to be quiet (disturbing the baby). All of which of course, disturbed the baby who stopped nursing, sat up, and was ready to play! Hmph.

Me: "You guys, I need your attention because I have something important to say."
[Waited for attention.]

Me: "I'm feeling pretty mad right now. You both agreed to be quiet while I was getting Sean to go to sleep. Then you were both talking loudly and trying to talk to me. I kept waving at you to remind you to be quiet, then I whispered and reminded you to be quiet. You kept talking loudly. Then I spoke louder to remind you to be quiet. Then Sean woke up, because we were all talking and we disturbed him. Now he's awake and I'm upset."

Ryan & Morgan: "Sorry, Mom." "Yeah. Sorry."

Me: "Thanks for telling me you're sorry. That helps me feel a little better. But I'm still feeling mad. We have a problem. I thought we had agreed for everyone to be quiet. But then you guys weren't quiet. What can we do next time this happens?"

Morgan: "We'll be quiet."

Me: "Well I know you will try to be quiet, but I need for something different to happen next time so that Sean will actually get the quiet he needs. Should I take him upstairs maybe and get him back to sleep up in my room instead of the family room?"

Morgan: "Yes."

Ryan: "Well I have an idea. Maybe you could do a signal to tell us to be quiet."

Me: "That's an idea. What if I held up my hand like this [held up hand in HALT position]? Would that let you know what I need?"

Both: "Yes!"

Me: "Well, that's something I think I can do. Let's try it."

[We practiced a couple of times.]

Me: "So is this our agreement? Next time you guys are being loud and I need you to be quiet for Sean, but I can't talk, I'll hold up my hand [gestured] like this and you guys will be quiet?"

Both: "Okay, we'll be quiet."

Me: "Okay. Sounds like we have a good plan for next time."

And you know what? Even though I was holding a wide-awake baby while I engaged in this conversation with R & M, and even though I really was very irritated that they had woken up the baby despite our original agreement, the process of talking through this problem and coming up with a solution actually helped my anger dissipate. By the end of it, I wasn't feeling that mad, set Sean down, and went ahead and did something else.

And also--I've held up my hand to both kids several times during the writing of this post (since Sean is asleep on my lap), and they both hushed! It's important to remember that anyone--kids and grownups alike--will be more likely to go along with a plan that they had some input into. I really need to remember that!

We even used our HALT! solution for a related problem that occurred.


Problem: I'm working on my computer (writing the beginning part of this post, when Sean was awake and playing elsewhere) and Ryan wants to tell me everything he knows about cobras. Seriously.

Me: "Ryan, can you stop talking for a second so I can tell you something?"

He paused (but possibly only because he needed air).

Me: "Do you see how I'm sitting here in front of my computer and how my fingers are typing?"

Ryan: "Yes."

Me: "Do you know what I'm doing?"

Ryan: "Well, you're working, aren't you?"

Me: "Yes. I'm working and thinking some thoughts and doing my writing. You want to tell me about cobras, and I'd really like to listen, but when I'm working, I can't really listen all the way. Also, I feel irritated when my work is interrupted. So I have a problem here. Any ideas?"

Ryan: "Well, I can wait to tell you about cobras."

Me: "I appreciate that. I really do want to hear what you have to say. Is there a way I can let you know when you're interrupting me, to let you know that I need you to wait a second for me to finish my thought?"

Ryan: "I know! Why don't you use the same hand thing [does HALT gesture] that you're going to use when we're making too much noise for Sean?"

Me: "Oh, okay! I can do that. I'll hold up my hand like this [demonstrating] and you'll know that you should be quiet until I can pause my writing, right?"

Ryan: "Right."

And that was that!


You know, I learned many of these skills back when I had a real job. I managed people; I worked on product development teams; I facilitated performance improvement teams. These are the same exact skills, only applied in a slightly different context--with my kids. I have to make certain allowances for their ages--the words and ideas they can understand and their emotional maturity level, for example--but other than making my words age-appropriate and having to deal with some inappropriate behavior, I am doing the same thing: I'm speaking respectfully, soliciting their input, restating the problem, restating the agreement.

In situations where I am vested in getting a problem solved (because I'm one of the people who has the problem), it's even more difficult for me to resist the temptation to Parent by
Authority. Because there is a small part of me--it's still there, lurking in my brain--that believes that they are "just children" and they really need to just do what I say already, to obey me.

But when I've parented in that manner: "You need to do XYZ now!" (and I do it still, I'm sorry to say), the problem doesn't really truly get solved. Sure, the kid might scoot and do the thing I need them to, like leave me alone so I can write. But I'm still feeling mad--and now so are they. And really--and this is tough to remember--the child may honestly not have realized they were doing something wrong. So is the problem really solved? Well, kind of. In the short-term. But the "solution" is one-sided, and certainly not ideal.

Or sometimes, the child still won't do what I want and then it becomes a Battle. And if I'm trying to keep Sean asleep, I'm defeated before I've even begun because crying children make a whole bunch more noise than children who want to show me their drawings or talk about cobras. The entire thing devolves into fussing and anger and yelling. And the problem remains.

When I take the time to talk to them about my problems, in the same way I'd talk to Brendan, or the way I insist they talk to each other, then we can usually arrive at some kind of plan for the future, or at least a mutual understanding. Because I have learned that sometimes my assumptions were incorrect. When I give them a chance to tell me what they were thinking or doing and why, I can learn something about that time--and for next time. And vice versa.

When we take the time to talk to each other respectfully (although sometimes somewhat heatedly!), everyone gets an equal chance to say what the problem is. Everyone has a chance to think up solutions. Everyone has a chance to make a plan for what we'll do better next time. We can reach a true, mutually agreed upon, long-term solution. And we can do it as collaborators, not adversaries.

I find that they are much more likely to go along with a plan they participated in creating than one that was dictated to them. And it's easy for me to say "Hey, remember? You agreed to be quieter when I hold up my hand like this." And they whisper "Oh yeah."

Now in order for this problem-solving approach to work, I can't look at the kids as "merely children" who must be corrected or controlled. I have to look at them as whole individual human beings who have valid concerns. Even if I don't necessarily agree with their concerns, I must recognize that they are concerning to the kids, and I need to respect that. When I respect the fact that the kids are individuals, I treat them the same way I'd treat Brendan or my friends.

This doesn't mean that I forget that they are kids--part of keeping Ryan in context means that I am looking at him as an individual human being who happens to be 7 years old. But all too often, I think adults tend to view kids incompletely. They focus only on the child's age. I know--I do it myself. I think: "She's only 4, so I need to make her do XYZ."

Instead, when I remember that the child is more than simply the sum of her years, that she is a human being and therefore:

• abhors being told what to do;
• revels when others, especially adults, show her respect as an individual;
• loves being taken seriously by others (kids and adults);
• desires to feel efficacious;
• feels pride in her accomplishments;
• thrills at being able to accomplish something independently;
• is still quite young and therefore relies on me for guidance and tips and skills;
• gets pleasure out of the process of using her mind to solve a problem;
• that she might make mistakes in judgment;
• that she might lack knowledge and/or experience that might have led her to a better decision;
• that she alone thinks her thoughts and feels her emotions;
• that she wants to be happy, too

--then I know that taking the time to give her tools she can use to solve her own problems (even problems she has with me!) is absolutely the right thing to do.