Podcast #8: Praise versus Encouragement

And we’re back, after our somewhat longish break! We intend to get back on a more frequent publishing basis for a little while. Our lineup this time:

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): Mom Keeping her Temper FTW! (Decide What You Will Do Positive Discipline Tool Card)

• Topic: Praise versus Encouragement (begins 5:35)

• Q&A: Uncles and Aunts (begins 18:44)

Technical note: Podcast 8 was the last one we recorded using Audacity on a PC (which we then transferred into GarageBand for editing on the Mac). Beginning with Podcast 9, we recorded directly into GarageBand, and we’re hoping that will improve some of the buzzing I keep hearing. At the very least, it will be easier for editing, and Brendan is going to teach Kelly and me how to do more the editing ourselves. Which may–or may not–result in more frequent posting.

As always you can download the podcast episode directly from here, and it should show up in iTunes sometime in the next day.

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More Parenting Through Literature

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Today has been a good day on the parenting front. I am in that magical carefully-considered-defined-introspected-and-worked-hard-to-cultivate Zone where no matter what happens or what spills, I am able to handle the incident in a kind, gentle, firm, guidance-oriented way. Especially considering that we have Deadlines and Tasks and other Capital-Lettered Words that us Type A-types seem to be concerned with looming up. Look at me--growing as a person here. :o)

It is much easier for me to remember to be a playful parent when I'm in that Zone, and when I remember to be playful, we all have fun (imagine!) and I'm able to sustain that Zone-y feeling. But if I lose that Zone-y feeling (sing it with me! "You've lost that Zone-y feeling, wooooah that Zone-y feeling . . . !), it's so much harder to keep my parenting goals and tools at the forefront of my consciousness.

Here's an example of how I awesome I've been today--after soccer, we all came home and rested and had a snack and cooled down a little while. Then it was time to do some cleaning up for our guests who are arriving tomorrow. (Because even I have housekeeping standards. It's true.) Ryan volunteered (!) to clean the bathroom surfaces, window and mirrors, so I sent him off to do that, armed with supplies.

Morgan, as my regular readers will know, is a reluctant worker when it comes to household chores. Also, it's extremely difficult to get her re-focused away from what's going on in her head and onto any particular thing I need her to do in general. She indicated an interest in wiping surfaces (these kids love anything that involves wet wipes or Windex and paper towels). I was cleaning the kitchen, and knowing I should keep her near me so I could help her stay on task, I suggested she wipe down the pantry door and all of the cabinets and drawers. Because, they're all pretty nasty, to be perfectly honest.

She happily obliged. After spending about 2.5 minutes wiping the door, she wandered away. I called her back with "Hey Morgan! Wow, that door sure is white where you cleaned it! Come finish the rest and make it match!"

She came back, cleaned for another minute, then drifted off again.

Me: "Morgan, I can tell you've worked so hard on this door. I can't believe how close you are to finishing it. I knew I could count on you!"

She perked up at this--I know that she LOVES it when we give her responsibility and notice how well she's handled it. Really, all kids like this as far as I can tell, but she especially enjoys this now that she's reached the ripe old age of five. She came back and said, "Just you wait, Mom! I'm not done yet!" And then she finished the door.

In the meantime, Ryan kept dashing into the kitchen with "casualties" from his battle (used up paper towels from the Battle of the Mirror, apparently). :o)

So I was all proud of myself for being encouraging (yet not praising with a vague "Good job!" or "Good girl" or "You're the best daughter ever!") and keeping my temper and NOT saying things in a mean voice like "You haven't finished yet." or "Come back here!" or "Why do you keep leaving? Don't you see you're not done?" or anything else similarly discouraging. I was teaching her some real jobs and taking the time to show her how to do them. And she really stepped up. Seriously, this child is typically nearly impossible to get any real help out of, she really is (ask Brendan or Kelly!).

After a while, Ryan had finished his jobs and Sean was becoming crazy annoying something of a hindrance to the cleaning process. So I assigned Ryan to play with Sean, which in a household with a toddler is considered an actual real job (at least in our household).

Somewhere along the way, I noticed something and said:

"Hey Morgan, this is just like in Little House on the Prairie. Ma and one of the older girls working and doing chores and the other older kid playing with the baby."

Again, I probably would not have thought to say that if I'd been stressed out task-focused grumpy-because-the-house-is-a-mess-and-I-never-get-any-help Mommy. And somehow it was the perfect thing I could have possibly said.

Every task after that was "Ma! Look how I'm cleaning this table! Just like on the prairie." and "I wonder when Pa is coming home from work." and "It sure is a Big Job to keep our house tidy when we live on the prairie!" and "Won't Nonnie and Uncle Tim just love to visit our clean house? When will their covered wagon arrive tomorrow?"

She made me call her Laura and we've been referring to Sean as Carrie for the last few hours. Ryan has somehow managed not to say something disparaging once about being referred to as Mary (it's possible he hasn't noticed and I'm not eager to enlighten him just yet). It was so easy and FUN to finish up our cleaning (and we're not really finished yet, just taking a break).

When I sat down to rock the baby, she sat near me and asked what Laura might do when Ma was with the baby. I suggested that the real Laura might have played with dolls or worked on sewing or read a book. She decided to read a book and then went and got a stuffed dog (renamed Jack in honor of our game).

Fun day. A nice reminder to me that Parenting in the Zone makes it easier to stay in the Zone, and to make sure to include Morgan and give her responsibilities. I need to keep noticing when she steps up, and we need to have FUN.

Now I'm wondering what I should add to our reading list next, since this Parenting through Literature things works so well around here. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer? We have some painting that needs doing. What else?

Praise: Not in my Parenting Toolbox

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

After some discussion of Jenn's excellent post "On Children, Parents, and the Use of Force," I thought I would share some of my thinking about praise, in general, and especially as a parenting tool.

I think that the word "praise" is confusing because we use it to mean many things. We use it to mean a compliment, an acknowledgment of someone's achievement, an expression of our emotions about what a person has done, and a way of trying to exert control over someone's behavior in the future.

Here are a few examples:

compliment or acknowledgment of an acheivement: "Wow, you look great in that color!" "This was top quality work and a pleasure to read." "Livy, you really handled that argument with Morgan well." "Jenn, your last blog post was phenomenal!"

an expression of our own emotions: "I cannot believe you just rode your bike up and down the street completely by yourself on your first try!! Holy cow!!!" "Wow, you look amazingly beautiful, and I cannot believe I get to be the one to take you out." "Yaron Brook, you astonish me with your knowledge of both finance and Objectivism. I want to come to your lectures every day!"

a way of controlling behavior: My grandmother complimenting my looks only when I am wearing make-up to try to get me to wear it more often. A parent says, "What a good boy you are!" when the child behaves the way the parent wants.

This last category is harder to give examples for because it is largely a matter of motivation. The same phrase could be used as a compliment or as manipulation, depending on the context, the tone, etc. The point of the praise in the last category is to manipulate, to increase the likelihood of the behavior in the future. It's exactly the same as petting the dog and telling him what a good boy he is when he sits; you hope this will make him sit more often in the future.

The reason I have a problem with using praise to control future behavior on human beings is that it replaces their reason with yours - second-handedness, basically. If my grandmother wants me to wear makeup, instead of tricking me into it through behaviorist techniques, she should just present the case for why I should wear makeup and let me make a rational decision about whether it is in my best interest. Instead, she wants me to do it in order to garner more praise in the future. She wants me to associate makeup wearing with her approval, instead of associating it with its consequences in my life (makes me prettier, but takes up a lot of time).

This tactic works the same way on a child. When a parent praises a child in order to "positively reinforce" a good behavior, the parent is replacing the real life value of good behavior with his approval. The child might behave better in the future (just as the dog will), but he will do it for a second-handed motivation (the parent's approval) instead of because of the benefit to himself.

I think, though, that it is even worse to do this kind of manipulative praise to a child than another adult because of the child's natural desire for the parent's approval. Where an adult will just think (as I do about the makeup situation, though I don't say it) "Wow, it is really annoying when she does that. How condescending. Mind your own business, Grandma," a child is much more likely to bow to a parent's wishes because of that powerful love and admiration he has for his parents, even if his mind disagrees with what the parent is saying. When the child squashes his own feelings and wants to do something he thinks the parent will approve of, he gets his first lesson in how to be like Peter Keating. Of course, it takes many lessons and much evasion to become a Peter Keating, but I don't want to give any of those kinds of lessons if I can help it.

So how do we avoid using that kind of praise on our children without becoming distant and foregoing the good kind of praise? I think the first step is to be sincere with our children. When we are genuinely excited about an accomplishment or feel like complimenting, we should do it. When we want to correct their behavior or encourage good behavior in the future, we should be equally sincere about that. There is nothing wrong with "You handled that argument with your sister very kindly. I would like you to use those kind of tactics when you guys argue in the future because our house is so much more peaceful when you two work things out that way. I think it is in your best interest to kindly work out your problems, so that you guys can play together and not be fighting." Now, they can use their minds to reason about what you said. They may not agree, but they know what you think and your parenting is visible to them, instead of being hidden and playing on their subconscious emotions and drive for your approval. Your reasonable explanation has shifted the focus from the fact that it is what YOU want to the fact that it is what is in the child's best interest.

But to some degree, I do believe in parental detachment. I don't think we should be quite so up in our children's business as is the norm in our culture. I think it is important to see your children as other human beings, just as you do the adults you are close to. Their achievements belong to them, not to you. The pride and the excitement and the joy of their victories belong to them, not to you. You can share in them, just as you would with a partner or with a friend, but too often, I think parents live through their children instead of with them. They want their child to succeed, not for the child's benefit, but for their own. When we care more about the child's sports teams or reading ability or social success and failures than the child does, we need to examine why that is. Have our children's struggles replaced struggles we should be having and feeling proud about and caring about for ourselves? Perhaps we are just looking ahead and, because of our more extensive experience, seeing how important a task our children are tackling really is. If that is the case, we can just remind ourselves that it is the experience of tackling tasks that makes competent adults. Then we can butt out, let them learn, be advisers, be supporters, and not try to control them through our approval. But if we find that we really do want to control them and the outcomes of their lives with our approval, we should go out and get a dog.

Even More Praise vs Encouragement

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Apparently, I can't let this particular topic go. It's supposed to be Sense of Humor week!

I remembered that one of my readers brought the article "Praise Your Child's Thinking" to my attention a couple months ago, and I intended to comment on it at the time. I kept pushing it to the back burner, and now I'm bringing it up front! (Thanks, Travis!)

I have two issues with the ideas in this article. The first is the use of the word "praise." At the end of the article, the author talks about acknowledging the child's thinking efforts, and the examples she gives in the article are definitely encouraging, not praising. So this is a minor point, really.

The other issue I have goes back to something we were talking about in the comments of my post from the other day. I'm not sure if it was the author's intent to say that we ought to encourage children's thinking more than their other pursuits; but I can see how it's tempting for a parent who values rationality to be overly encouraging/praising of intellectual efforts. It's the issue that comes with valuing something quite a bit and wanting our kids to value it, too. There's a danger in overplaying your hand, I think.

Thinking is its own reward, even for children. Children may want some feedback or acknowledgment about it from their parents, and will need some guidance. But in this area in particular, I think parents should be very careful about how--and how often--we provide encouraging feedback to our kids.

I don't treat my children's thinking efforts any differently than I would any of their other efforts. So that means, sometimes I will offer feedback and encouraging words if it seems like the child needs that from me. But most of the time, I really just don't say anything, stand back, and let the child experience what happens when they put forth an effort of thought.

Again, this is to avoid giving them the idea that they ought to figure out a certain problem simply because I want them to. If they solve an intellectual problem, they will feel good about that. If they ask me what I think about it, then I'll say something encouraging or acknowledge their effort, such as "What an accomplishment!" or "I knew you could figure it out!" If they are stuck and need encouragement, I'll express my confidence in them, or maybe ask open-ended questions that will point them in the right direction. Or we'll look up the answer together. Or I'll answer their question. But I try never to get between them and their thinking if I can help it, and only will do it when they ask me (in words or deeds) for help.

The reward for me is seeing the delight on their faces when they've made a mental connection. Yesterday, Ryan came out with "Mom, the idea of 'negative zero' doesn't make any sense." And went on to count, in proper order, from -10 up to 10. He was so pleased with himself, and while we had some further conversation about the nature of zero and talked about some simple equations with it, I didn't really encourage his thinking in so many words. My actions--taking an interest in his idea and discussing it with him--certainly showed encouragement. But he really didn't need me to say anything more about it, and after our brief discussion, he went back into his head in (rare) silent contemplation.

I know we will have future chances to discuss these math ideas, and build on them. But in that moment, it was his thought, his intellectual development, his effort. And I saw no need to insert myself into that moment by saying anything apart from answering his few followup questions. I don't think it would have been necessarily wrong if I had said "Wow! You figured that out all by yourself?" Because I do that sometimes. But many times, I don't say anything at all, and just let him experience the moment independently of anything--even something positive--I might say.

In other news, I have been having a harder time than I would have imagined putting my sense of humor into action! It's hard to do, you know, when you're feeling really annoyed! But this morning, we played a clean up game that involved racing against the timer and military formations. Except for Pvt. Sean, who didn't think the General ought to put him down for a second, it was a successful game. We cleaned AND laughed. And that was way more fun for all of us than listening to me nag. :o)

Encouragement vs Praise Update

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

As I've been paying close attention to my encouraging words this week, it occurred to me that there is one scenario where it is really tempting to cross that line from encouragement to praise. I don't often do it, but the temptation is there.

The situation where this happens for me is when the kids are successful at or really enjoying something that I personally highly value.

When Ryan digs a huge hole in the sandbox, is super proud of his efforts, and wants me to acknowledge them, it's quite easy for me to say encouraging/acknowledging things, such as "Wow! You did it!" or "You sure worked hard on that hole." I am not in danger of cheerleading here, mostly because, well, big holes in the sand just don't excite me all that much. A proud kid--yes, that is exciting. Holes, notsomuch.

But when Ryan picks up a book and sounds out some words and wants me to acknowledge his accomplishment . . . well, sometimes it's hard not to jump up and down with my own excitement and shout "He can read, he can read, oh I'm so glad that he can read!"

That's not to say I don't share my enthusiasm with him. And I think it's just fine for him to see that I get more excited about reading than big holes. But it's a time when I really need to think carefully about the words I say to him, because, in my excitement, I don't want to inadvertently rob him of the feeling of pride he has in his accomplishment, and I don't want to give him the idea that he should look to me for cues about how he should feel about it. Or that he should do this thing solely because it makes me happy.

So I will say "Wow! You did it!" or "You're really getting the hang of this reading thing! That's so cool!" And smile big and give him a hug. But then I will force myself to back away from him, lest my enthusiasm become smothering and siphon off all of the fun he's having. Because I know that if he is reading because he truly wants to--and not because he knows that I want him to--then he is much more likely to keep it up. I do believe that internal motivation (when it comes from a place of rational self-interest) is more effective and satisfying! than any motivation system that I might devise.

Beth recently remarked in this post that ". . . I have to constantly remind myself that it is important for me not to care more than he [her son] does about his values." I've been thinking about this remark for the last couple of weeks, and it is a very astute observation. And I think Encouragement vs Praise is related.

At this point in his life, I may care more than Ryan does about his acquisition of reading skills. In fact, I probably do care more than he does. But since I want him to care about reading some day (and he is getting there, obviously), AND since I want him to be a first-handed valuer in general, I need to take care not to insert myself between him and this value that he is just beginning to appreciate.

It's certainly a tricky line to walk. Especially because these kids really do pay attention to every single thing we do and say! As far as reading goes, it certainly helped that I identified that Ryan does want to know what words say--but he doesn't want to take the time to figure them out independently. Since he is motivated to know what they say, then gently withdrawing my actions away from him (by not reading words I think he is capable of figuring out on his own), I am getting out of his way. And I must be careful not to undo all of my excellent analysis and work by working myself up into a Cheerleader Parent when he does accomplish any sort of reading task.

Thoughts?

Stay tuned for another PD Tool Card tomorrow!

Little Quack

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

We have a favorite children's book around here, Little Quack, by Lauren Thompson (illustrated by Derek Anderson). This book beautifully shows the proper role of parental encouragement. Since I'm focusing on Encouragement Vs. Praise this week, I thought I'd share this cute little story with you.

In the story, the Mother Duck tells her babies that it's time for them to leave the nest and learn to swim. The babies are nervous. Mama swims out and says, "Come, little ducklings. Paddle on the water with me." When the babies reply that they're too scared, she says, "You can do it! I know you can!"

One by one, each duckling feels brave enough to try, and jumps in the water. Each duckling discovers that he can swim and that it's fun to do. Each duckling says something that shows his pride in his accomplishment, such as "Hooray for me!"

Little Quack is the last duckling into the water, and after he finally makes it, Mama says, "I always knew you could."

This is a wonderful depiction of how encouragement (as opposed to praise) can help a child feel confident in his abilities. Sometimes the role of the parent is to be nearby--close enough for reassurance, but far enough away to give the child room to achieve his goals. The story has Mama saying all the right encouraging things, and the ducklings express their pride in a first-handed way.

This story is especially meaningful to me, since I have a child (Ryan) who sometimes needs encouragement to try new things and be a bit more independent. Not every child needs such a push, but there are some who certainly do.

The only negative thing about this book is at the bottom of each "duckling made it into the water page" there is a math problem: Duckpicture + Duckpicture + Duckpicture = 3 ducks in the pond. It seems as if the creators of the book wanted to make it more "educational" so added in the whole "how many ducks are in the pond now" aspect to it. I think it really detracts from the actual value of the message of the book. For that reason, I'd give this a 4.5 out of 5.

Anyway, highly recommended for the 2 - 5 year old set (and beyond--Ryan still enjoys it). A lovely read.

PD Tool Card: Encouragement vs Praise

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Okay--I had a lot of fun practicing the One Word PD Tool last week. It was a great exercise for me, and it went over very well with the kids. Even Ryan, who at first took this unusually brief approach for terseness, got into it by the end of the week.

And now that the week is up, I'm not going to stop using this tool. It's in my Parenting Toolbox now, and I will use it when I can, especially with Morgan, who REALLY appreciates just a simple reminder instead of a full-on lecture.

Personally, I enjoyed how focused I was on using a tool that helps me parent according to my values.

This week, I'm going to focus on the Encouragement vs. Praise card. From the card:

"Teaches self-reliance instead of dependence on others. Encouragement invites self-evaluation. Praise invites children to become 'approval junkies.' "

The examples on the card include:

• Praise: "I'm so proud of you. Here's your reward."

• Encouragement: "You worked hard. You must be so proud of yourself."

• Praise: "You are such a good girl."

• Encouragement: "Thanks for helping."

This is actually a tool I think I'm already pretty good at using, but I think it never hurts to have a refresher course. So this week, I'm going to try to pay extra attention to my use of encouragement.

The distinction between Encouragement and Praise can be subtle. And it's a fine line to walk as a parent, too. A parent needs to offer encouraging support to kids. Kids needs that sometimes. Actually, everyone needs that sometimes!

Over-praising kids--cheerleading--can certainly give children an impression that they need to look to someone else for cues about how they ought to be feeling. My kids certainly want me to see them do things and notice their accomplishments. But when they do, I'm careful not to merely praise them.

If I'm praising something or someone, I'm passing on a value judgment of mine. Don't get me wrong--I think it's fine to let the kids in on what my values are and what I think about things. But I want to be careful to do such communication in a way that does not encourage them to substitute my judgment for their own. Also, praise isn't a useful tool when someone is feeling sad about something, and needs loving support.

Words of encouragement express confidence, concern, assistance if necessary, and they also allow for the person to experience their own feelings about whatever is going on independently.

A few examples, just from today:

• Child dropped the ball again and again and cries "I can't do it! I'll never be able to do it!" I said, in what I hope was an encouraging way, "This is something that takes practice. With practice I know you can do it." She tried again, succeeded, and wanted to share her pride, "I did it!" I said, "Hooray, you did it! I knew you could! You must feel very proud!"

• Child wanted to work out a plan for the projector for the TV on the Big Wall. Described plan in nauseating great detail. I said, "I can tell you've put a lot of thought into this plan. I was confident we would be able to work something out."

• Child helped me out by bringing me a diaper. I smiled and said "Thanks!"

Ayn Rand described self-esteem as ". . . reliance on one’s power to think." (“The Age of Envy,” The Return of the Primitive: The Anti-Industrial Revolution, 181.) Kids need practice using and ultimately relying on their own judgment, and this extends to judgment about one's own efficacy, accomplishments, and abilities.

When Mom or Dad plays the role of cheerleader, I think they can rob the child of the chance to experience his feelings about a situation firsthand, and to get too used to thinking "Will Mom and Dad like this? Will the Big Thing I just accomplished make them feel proud?"

There's much more I could write about this, but I've been working on this post all day! I'll try to revisit some of these ideas as the week progresses. If you have some good experiences with encouraging (as opposed to praising) kids, feel free to write them in the comments. :o)

The One About Potty Training

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

A couple of you have asked about potty training and Positive Discipline and how that whole thing went down around here. I'm not sure I have any particular wisdom to share in this realm, since we have yet to have a smooth transition to the potty. But I'll share anyway, and perhaps you will learn from my mistakes!

I've heard of those kids who sort of potty train themselves and within a few days or weeks, after some miscalculations, mistakes, and messes, they're set! I even know several of these kids in person, so I know for a fact the existence of such creatures is not merely the stuff of playgroup mythology. Sadly for us, neither of our potty-trained children were these children.

Hmph.

The first time Ryan showed any interest at all in using the potty, he was 3 and Morgan was about 10 days old. I often wonder what would have happened if I had sucked it up--new baby, c-section post-op, and all--and just tried to get him going that very first time, if we could have avoided some of the stress and misery that lay in front of us. Oh well.

Flash forward about 9 months. Ryan, quickly approaching his 4th birthday, still had yet to do anything in a potty (outside of using it to store his trucks). I had really wanted him to initiate the potty training process, believing (and still do) that it's better to undertake such a project when the kid actually wants to do it.

We had done everything the experts recommend to prepare and encourage him: read potty books, placed the little potty in a convenient location, talked to him about it, put him on the potty whenever he looked like he needed to go. Not once did it work, and he resisted. But we were quickly growing impatient at having to change his diapers, particularly when he was so resistant to the diaper-changing process, too! (He was a very challenging 3 year old.)

So we had some more talks and bought exciting Spider-Man underwear and "toilet targets" and all of those other things you are supposed to do, declared "No more diapers!" because I'd read that sometimes such a declaration will nudge the little, ah, pooper along. After three days of absolutely no success, we decided to wait a little while longer.

And we went through this every month until he was nearly 4.

I was determined not to bribe him to use the potty, but I did break down at one point and gave him something (can't remember just what) after a few successes. But then the first time I didn't reward him, he looked at me and actually said "Well then why should I use the potty?" and peed his pants. Taught me a lesson about bribing him, that's for sure!

We cleaned up messes calmly for the most part, but I must admit that after a while, it was just SO HARD to stay calm every time. This was one of those "Why is he doing this TO ME?" things for me. I took it so personally--and I really can't say why. It just made me so mad. He is so bright and intelligent--why couldn't he get this? What was wrong with me? What had I done wrong? Was there something wrong with him? This was me, not at my PD parenting best, and even though I never hit him or put him in time out or any of those other punishing things--I punished him by my behavior--yelling and threatening and being too upset. Not only was he unhappy, I was unhappy with myself. :o(

It was so frustrating! He didn't seem to care that the other kids in his gymnastics and soccer classes were out of diapers. He didn't seem to care that he made a mess. He didn't seem to care that he was wet or poopy. And then I think it occurred to me one day--he didn't seem to care because he didn't care. And he wouldn't do it unless he really truly did care. Seems so obvious, doesn't it? Once I came to that place, it was easier overall to deal with it. I was able to get a handle on my own frustration and get back to approaching this in a more positive way.

So we kept on encouraging and talking about it--not every second, but when it seemed a natural time to bring it up, like when he followed one of us into the bathroom. Brendan showed him some guy techniques and I think he might have been mildly interested in that. :o) We had the potty out in the family room so he could get there easily and so it wouldn't interrupt his work too much.

The thing that finally got him motivated was his sudden interest in swimming lessons. Every program I looked into for 4 year olds and up required the kid to be potty trained. One mention of that requirement combined with his own actual real true desire--suddenly he wanted to! And he finally did. There were the usual miscalculations, mistakes, and messes, and within a few weeks, he did it!

What a relief! But what I didn't know is that there's no guarantee they'll stay potty trained. Huh? Yup.

I had always viewed potty training as a process with a definitive end result--someone who no longer needs diapers. Once the kid has reached that point, you're "done," right?

For the next 2 years almost, Ryan would experience bouts of potty regression. Just when I'd get comfortable leaving the house without backup pants, he'd start forgetting. A lot. He also developed a tendency to withhold his bowel movements, which fortunately, did NOT turn into true encopresis (which is a medical issue that can take years to clear up). The long and short of it is that he needed constant reminders to stop what he was doing and take care of his bodily functions. Constant. In particular, if he had been withholding, we'd make him sit on the potty every few hours for a couple of days to reestablish his "routine" again.

I can now confidently say that he's potty trained! And what we now know about Ryan is this: he does NOT want to interrupt his cerebral activities to take care of physical needs. This has been true in the potty realm and remains true about eating and drinking, too. We make sure he poops once a day--which he needs to do but still seems to delay until the end of the day sometimes--because he's too busy to stop! We also make him stop to rehydrate when he's playing outside on a hot day. We make him stop and eat something because he gets really cranky when he doesn't. The kid has a really hard time stopping, and that's just how he is. And now we know that! So what Brendan and I must do for this child is help him recognize the signals of his body, help him attend to them before things get too dire, and understand why it's important to take care of your body.

Now Morgan is a different story--but it's a shorter one, so bear with me! A few months before she turned 3, she announced to us that she'd be using the potty now. We were flying out of town that weekend, so we told her she could start once we got back from our trip, since I didn't want a brand new potty trainer at the airport. After my experience with Ryan, I was nervous about not taking the opportunity the moment it presented itself, but it couldn't really be helped.

We returned from our trip, set up the potty, and had a few days of Zero Success. I was disheartened, but determined not to make a big deal of it, since she was A.) interested and B.) actually doing something in the potty, and C.) a whole year younger than Ryan was when he trained. Sure enough, about a month later, she announced to us again that she was ready to try.

And after a few weeks of the usual miscalculations, mistakes, and messes, she was trained! Just before her third birthday, too. I couldn't believe it. And I was pretty excited, too, since the baby wasn't due for 3 more months, I figured her potty habits would have plenty of time to become ingrained and we wouldn't have to worry about that New Baby Potty Regression I had always heard about.

Hmph.

After Sean was born, Morgan did not act jealous; she did not try to jump on my lap every time I held the baby; she did not drop a shoe on his head (a classic Ryan maneuver). She was a wonderful, attentive, helpful Big Sister. Except for one. little. thing.

She completely and utterly stopped using the potty. She didn't go back to Square One--she reverted to Square Zero. And just in time for our big road trip to the beach! I hated to do it, but we did put her back in Pullups for that big trip, explaining that we just wouldn't be able to stop so many times for "let's just see" potty breaks. I just couldn't do it, not with a brand new baby, too (of course, we were careful not to make the baby the reason we couldn't stop).

And then she took a page out of Ryan's book, and the last 6 months or so have been a tale of starts and stops, a few weeks here, a few weeks there. Because of my experience with Ryan, I have handled it much, much better than I did with him, but there have been times with that old "Why are you doing this TO ME?" feeling would creep up and I've gotten upset with her. And then I'd remind myself to Assume Positive Intent and apologize to her and we'd all try again. With Morgan in particular, I've noticed an inverse correlation between my level of upsetness and her inclination to use the potty. So I've really learned to relax.

The last two months have been excellent, and while I still do take backup clothes for her most places we go, she has been very reliable. But I haven't really let my guard down all the way yet. :o)

Here are things I've learned, and hopefully will remember to apply them to Sean when it's his time:

• It really goes easier when the child is the one wanting to train, although, it's okay not to wait forever.
  

• There might be no definitive moment in time when the child is officially trained.

• Patience.

• Bribery backfired on us.

• Don't take it personally.

• Also, don't take it personally.

• If they are not successful, try to identify why--for me, it was so helpful to identify Ryan's not wanting to interrupt his work for ANYTHING, not just the potty. (I now know him much better than I did, and so I suppose that's the silver lining to this tale.)

• Feel them out before using the "You're a Big Kid" statement as a way to encourage them. Ryan hated that whole idea. Morgan LOVED the concept, and would proudly exclaim, "I'm a Big Girl!"
  

• Girls really need extra wiping help for a long time--Miss M keeps developing something called "vaginitis" which is similar to a diaper rash and is really painful.

• Give them towels so they can help clean up messes, just as they do when they spill drinks, etc. That's something they can be involved in.
  

• Buy tons and tons and tons of underwear. Save the fancy ones for after you're mostly sure they've got the idea (but be aware that you'll probably be going through those pretty quickly, too.)

• Buying fancy "kid" handsoap has encouraged handwashing, but stay away from the brand (can't remember--Huggies maybe? I go by the bottle) that has the "neon" colors because they stain. Especially the purple kind.
  

• Read all of those books and stash little potties everywhere and talk about it and learn the boy tricks and do all of those things you're supposed to do, because they really do help.

• Be sure to celebrate their accomplishment! They should be proud and you can share in it.
  

And never forget the wisdom of this time-honored Mommy mantra: This, too, shall pass.

On Positive Discipline

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Recently, I've engaged in some interesting parenting discussion over at Principled Parent and The Little Things. I'm always thinking about our parenting choices and it interests me to read about how others are handling similar issues. In trying to explain some of the methods we use around here, it occurred to me that maybe I ought to just write a post about it.

We use Positive Discipline (PD). For a brief introduction by a PD author, Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., click here. PD encompasses so many aspects of parenting, that I find it difficult to know where to even begin writing about it. It's like trying to explain Objectivism to someone who has never heard of it--where to start? (I know Ayn Rand explained it while standing on one foot, but I'm not that smart.) So I'll do my best to explain some of the general ideas and try not to get off topic too much.

Before I start, I must tell you that I'll do my best to cite works and authors and books, but that I've been reading and thinking about this for so long that I'm afraid that it might be almost impossible for me to remember just where I picked up a specific idea. But I didn't make this all up myself--I read lots and lots of books and websites and was an active reader of a Yahoo group on the subject for a couple of years. The integrations and applications are mine, though, developed in conjunction with my husband, Brendan, and my friend Kelly, who I almost consider my other "co-parent" (since we share the same principles and spend much time together). In another post, I'll put together a bibliography if there's any interest.

In a nutshell, PD is a way of raising children without punishments or rewards. Now you might read that sentence and think that that equates to Zero Discipline, which is really not true. So bear with me, lest you think my children are completely spoiled little dictators--they are not.

From Nelsen's Positive Discipline website (emphasis added for ease-of-reading purposes):

The tools and concepts of Positive Discipline include:

• Mutual respect. Adults model firmness by respecting themselves and the needs of the situation, and kindness by respecting the needs of the child.

• Identifying the belief behind the behavior. Effective discipline recognizes the reasons kids do what they do and works to change those beliefs, rather than merely attempting to change behavior.

• Effective communication and problem solving skills.

• Discipline that teaches (and is neither permissive nor punitive).

• Focusing on solutions instead of punishment.

• Encouragement (instead of praise). Encouragement notices effort and improvement, not just success, and builds long-term self-esteem and empowerment..

Positive Discipline techniques reinforce the principles I hold as an Objectivist and the goals I have as a parent. As opposed to a top-down parent-child relationship where Mom and Dad are handing out punishments for misbehaviors, PD encourages parents to work with the child to help him figure out what went wrong, how to fix it, why it's important to do the right thing, and helps the child succeed in the future. This thinking process is really good practice for children who will, after all, be expected to behave in certain ways once they reach adulthood. Filling a child's "mental toolbox" (a PD term) with techniques and experience in problem-solving and handling the consequences (good and bad) of his decisions helps prepare a child for adulthood in a different, and I think, stronger way than a more classic "If you do something wrong, you'll be punished" paradigm will.

Guide Vs. Control

I don't think punishment--as in Child does XYZ Bad Behavior and then I as the parent must then do something to the child in order to make them either understand that the behavior was bad or feel bad about doing it, such as sit in Time-Out or be grounded or hit or screamed at or shamed--is necessary.

I want to guide my children toward full rationality and the virtues I prize, rather than control them into it. I look at punishment as a way to try to control the child's behavior rather than teach the child what's expected. Obedience--the end result of being well-controlled--is not a virtue. I don't want my kids to know how to obey me. I want them to be Independent, Productive, Honest, be Just and Moral, have Self-Control and Integrity. And this entails Rationality, which cannot be present without volition, choice.

Kids need practice at making good decisions. (Actually, many adults I know could use a refresher course, too.) They're going to make good ones and bad ones. And they're not fully rational either [insert obvious joke about adults here]. But I think that PD respects a child's nascent rationality, and in fact, bolsters it--by allowing them to practice and make mistakes without punishment.

When Brendan makes a mistake, I don't punish him by making him sit in Time-Out. Once, I accidentally dropped his computer and it broke. I didn't go to the Naughty Chair--I got the computer fixed. PD is more in line with how adults treat each other, while making allowances for the immature brains and less experience that children have.

I think some examples are in order, to help demonstrate what we do and how it's different from punishing. You'll note that in some examples, what happens in the PD scenario and the Old School scenario (called "Old School" for no other reason than because it's how I was raised) is often very similar. But the differences, while they may be subtle, are important, especially because we are trying to give the child as much input and control as possible.

Misbehavior: Screaming at the dinner table (a popular one around here)

OS scenario: Parent says, "No screaming at the dinner table. That's too loud and we're trying to talk. If you do it again, you're going to Time Out." Kid screams again. Parent puts kid in TO (according to some predetermined formula, usually something like 1 minute per year of age.) May take several rounds of screaming/TO before behavior improves.

OS result: Behavior Stops. Kid eventually learns that screaming isn't acceptable.

PD scenario: Parent says, "No screaming at the dinner table. That's too loud and we're trying to talk. You can stay at the table as long as you can be quiet. If you need to scream, go outside or up to your room." Kid screams at dinner table again. "You want to scream. Are you going outside or up to your room?" Kid screams or argues some more. Parent escorts child to his room and says, "Please come back to the dinner table when you're ready to be quiet." May take several rounds of this.

PD result: Behavior Stops. Kid eventually learns that screaming isn't acceptable and learns to do screaming elsewhere.

The Difference:

In the PD scenario, the child has decisions to make (to scream or not to scream, to go to his room or outside), and his decisions are respected (for good or bad). If he keeps screaming, then he's showing you that's his decision. But he must respect the rights of the others at the table to have a scream-free dinner, so his screaming must be done elsewhere.

He is also given as much time as he needs to decide to comply with the dinner table rules--there is no arbitrary timeline set by Mom. The decision to comply (or not) is his and his alone, and he also gets to decide how long it takes (sometimes it might take 10 seconds, if he's really hungry; sometimes, 20 minutes or longer). He is learning self-control and learning that decisions have consequences--screaming might be fun, but it might not be as fun if you're all alone in your room. He is learning that the others in the family have needs and wants that must be respected and that he is expected to respect them. And he is learning that if he can't respect them, then Mom will help him do what's necessary (leave the table).

In the OS scenario, I'm not sure what the child learns, since we don't use it. My own experience with TO taught me that A) I'm bad because they sent me away, or B) I resent Mom because she did this to me, or C) I'm going to be sneaky next time so I won't get caught. Obviously 'C' doesn't quite apply to the screaming at the table thing, but that is something I thought. I'd be interested in what parents who use TO as a discipline tool think about this--I honestly don't know what the child is supposed to be thinking.

Misbehavior: Splashing water out of the tub

OS Scenario: Mom reminds kid of the rules--no splashing water out of the tub, possibly explaining the reason. Splashing continues. Bathtime is over and kid is punished (I don't mean to pick on Time-Outs only, but I know that's a popular discipline method--there are other ways to punish, of course). Maybe the child will help clean up the water.

OS Result: Bathtime is over and enough repeat scenarios will teach the child that he will be punished for splashing water out of the tub.

PD Scenario: Mom reminds kid of the rules--no splashing water out of the tub. Mom will always explain the reason for this. Splashing continues. Bathtime is over.

PD Result: Bathtime is over and the child is expected to clean up the mess (with help, depending on how old of course).

The Difference:

There's not much difference here--except there is no punishment imposed on the child. The consequence of making a mess is not getting to have a long (or deep) bath. And having to clean up the mess. The child is taking responsibility for his decisions and he will learn to keep water in the tub (or take a shower), even without the extra step of parental-imposed punishment. The same lesson, for less effort on my part--yay!

One more example, this one from real life.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about how Ryan and one of his friends were throwing rocks around and broke the windshield of a neighbor's car. Here's what we did, the PD way:

• We acknowledged that what happened was unintentional.
• We were firm in communicating to them that even though it was unintentional, it was still their responsibility to fix the problem.
• We took them to the neighbor's house to tell him what happened, apologize, and offer to fix the windshield.
• When the neighbor gave us his bill, we had Ryan pay a reasonable (according to his income) portion of our half (his friend's parents paid the other half).
• We took both boys, with cash in their hands, over to the neighbor's house and had the boys hand them the money.

We did not punish Ryan. If I had done something like this when I was a child, I can 100% guarantee that I would have been either hit, grounded, and/or screamed at. My parents would have made me pay for the damage and talk to the neighbors, but there would have been Adult Imposed Punishment designed to make me feel bad or "think" about what I did or something along those lines.

We never hit our children, but neither did we scream at him or ground him or otherwise try to make him feel guilty about what happened. And you know what? It wasn't necessary to punish him. He knew what he did was wrong and felt bad about it already. He didn't need us making him feel worse about it. He didn't know how to fix the problem, though, and THAT'S what he needed help with. He needed to know that people are responsible for their actions, even when it's an accident. He needed to know that Mr. Neighbor shouldn't have to pay for the damage, that he and his friend--the responsible parties--did. He needed help paying for the damage. He needed me there while he owned up to his responsibility. He needed to know what the next steps were.

That's what he needed, and that's what we did. We guided him through the process, allowing him to be as independent as possible, not making his guilt any worse. No additional punishment necessary. What if he hadn't shown remorse? We would have handled it the same way, perhaps expressing our disappointment that he didn't have remorse. But still--no punishment. Punishing him would not have put remorse into his head, would not have made him feel guilty. Only mad that he was being punished, I think, and probably much less likely to have owned up to it the next time. Yes. VERY much less likely to come to us with a similar problem.

I know this is a super long post, and if you've made it this far, I hope I've done an okay job of explaining a little bit about how PD works. In a future post, I'll write about why I think PD is an excellent "fit" with Objectivism. I really want to write lots and lots more about PD and Objectivism and have many (shorter!) posts planned on the subject. I think what I might do is write a bit more about some of our discipline issues and how we handled them. I definitely understood PD more once I began reading real-life examples.

So. What say you? I'm interested in constructive feedback and questions. Thoughts?