Podcast #19: Let's Talk about Sex

Okay, so we skipped putting out a podcast last week, so we're making up for it by posting a REALLY INTERESTING podcast this time. :D

Situation of the Week (Jenn): Teaching kids what to do instead of just fussing at them for making mistakes. Amazing how helpful that is.

Links: On Minilectures at Rational Jenn


Topic: Talking to your kids about sex. Yes, there is some explicit discussion here, so be aware of your surroundings when listening! (begins 6:02)

Links: It's Not the Stork: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends (The Family Library) and It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (The Family Library) (that's the book we couldn't remember the name of)


Q & A: What is the best way to deal with rude behavior that is not physically aggressive such as name-calling or sticking your tongue out, particularly in very young children? (begins 31:17)

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Please send us comments and feedback and give us more questions to answer in future podcasts! And thanks for listening!

Positive Discipline Toolbox: Applying Decide What You Will Do to Parenting

(posted originally at Reepicheep's Coracle)

Yesterday, I wrote about how I applied the Decide What You Will Do tool to communication with other adults. Today, I would like to give some examples for how this tool is also useful with children.

As a quick review for those who didn't read the other post (though I can't imagine why they aren't following my blog as their most beloved task), Decide What You Will Do means realizing that you can't control the behavior of others and accepting the responsibility for your own behavior. It means sticking to the things you know are right, even when they don't cause others to immediate fall into line with all your plans. It is intimately connected with selfishness because deciding what you will do means looking at your own values and morals, deciding for yourself what will lead to your happiness, and doing that thing no matter what.

So how can this tool be used in parenting? The most important part, I think, is to recognize that you can't make children do a lot of things. You can't make them sleep, you can't make them eat, you can't make them learn, you can't make them stop crying, you can't make them pee or poop on cue. You can encourage them to do these things. You can make them so afraid of you that they will do these things just to avoid the consequences. But, if their little brains are completely set against the thing, you can't push a remote control button and make it happen.

Once a parent acknowledges that he doesn't have control over his children, he can focus on his own behavior and on creating an environment where children will learn to focus on theirs. Here are some ways I can imagine a parent using the Decide What You Will Do tool:

• An infant is waking up in the night really often. Mom has tried everything; Dad has tried everything; Baby will not sleep more than 2 hours. Mom is feeling excessively angry about baby's demands. Mom can decide that she will get up with baby, but if she gets too angry, she will wake Dad to take over instead of yelling. (I wish I had done this one.)
  

• 8 month old baby refuses to take a bottle and will only take a few sips of breastmilk from a cup from Dad. Mom wants to go to chorus practice alone for 2 hours. Mom decides that she will go and sing, and the baby will have to take what's in the cup or wait 2 hours. (This is one I had to do. Note: I would have made a different decision if the baby was very young. Deciding what you will do must be used with the context of parent and child in mind.)

• A toddler has a tantrum in the grocery store. Dad cannot make the kid stop screaming, but he can decide that every time this happens they will leave the store immediately. (Who hasn't done this one?)
  

• A toddler with a new sibling has a potty regression. Mom might decide to clean the mess up without saying a word and giving the child extra time alone with Mom at others times during the day.

• A five year old interrupts conversations and knows that if he needs attention, he can tap Dad's shoulder and wait for him to finish his thought. Dad might decide that he will ignore all inappropriate ways of getting his attention and only respond when tapped. He might decide to give reminders about the shoulder tap at other times before the child has interrupted.

• While problem solving about going to the pool with an eight year old, the child storms away, and she refuses to talk about the problem. The parent might decide that he has expressed himself in the best way he can, that he can't make the child communicate, and that they will just not go back to the pool and encounter the problem again until it has been solved. (Very similar to the situation in my post yesterday about conflict with an adult.)
  

• A teenager gets a couple of speeding tickets, and his parents decide that they are not comfortable with loaning him the car.

None of these examples is a rule. Parents will decide different things based on their values and the situations they are in. The commonality is that the parents recognize that they cannot control their child's behavior directly and can only control their own. They make decisions about what they are going to do, and they stick to it.

Sometimes the sticking to it can be kind of hard. When Livy was a volatile toddler (dude, you have no idea!), she had tantrums in public places pretty often. I decided that I wouldn't let her disrupt everyone, so every time she cried or screamed loudly, we went home. It was hard to leave a store I really wanted to go to or to leave a restaurant. But I did it.

The follow-through is important for two reasons. Children (and adults) learn whether or not to believe what you say about yourself by watching to see if you actually do it. And even more important, if you decide to do something and know it is right, not to follow through shows a lack of integrity. Doing what we know is right is not only good for our kids, but it is good for us, as all virtuous behavior is.

Podcast #18: Living an "Adult-Centered" vs a "Child-Centered" Life

Look at that! Three weeks, three podcasts, woohoo!

Situation of the Week (Jenn): "If I scream, he wins." (It'll make sense when you listen!)


Topic: Living an "Adult-Centered" vs a "Child-Centered" Life (begins 8:48)

Link: "Child Friendly without being Child Centered" at Reepicheep's Coracle (Kelly's blog)


Q & A: How do you handle a parenting mistake when you realize you were unfair, but your child communicated his displeasure in an unacceptable manner (such as hitting or yelling)? (begins 27:38)

Link: "Parenting Toolbox: 3 Rs of Recovery" at Reepicheep's Coracle

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Enjoy! And please send us questions or email us your comments and feedback.

When Effective Communication Fails

(originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle)

When Jenn and I teach our Effective Communication class for adults, we teach participants a script for sharing their feelings honestly and kindly, for listening to the feelings of their partner, friend, or co-worker, and for finding solutions that will work for both people. After the attendees practice this joint problem solving, we often get the question: What do you do when the person that you are communicating with doesn't know how to communicate effectively or won't? I had a recent experience that made the answer that we usually give more clear to me.

A friend and I had an argument. It started with a misunderstanding, which I escalated by making a snotty reply. I apologized for my nasty reply and started the communication process. After a few emails were exchanged, in which I explained my feelings, tried to get a grasp on his, and started groping around for a solution to heal our friendship and move on better than ever, he refused to talk about it anymore. He decided he isn't good at or comfortable with this kind of honest and personal communication and that he wasn't going to do it anymore.

This leaves our friendship at basically an acquaintanceship, since he's made it clear that we can't really talk about things that are important or difficult. This makes me super sad because he was a person I was really looking forward to knowing better over the years. I still feel angry (at least a little bit) and hurt because our situation never got resolved and never will be. Basically, as far as helping our relationship, this effort at communication was a big fail.

But I did what Jenn and I advise our class to do, when they want to know how to handle a person who doesn't want to communicate: I used a positive discipline tool card called Decide What You Will Do. The basic idea is that you cannot control other people; you cannot make them behave in the way you want, believe what you want, care about what you want. The only person whose behavior is really within my control is me. So, in a situation where the person I am communicating with is not responding the way I would like, all I can do is decide what I will do.

In my situation, I decided that I will continue to communicate my feelings honestly and openly, though I wasn't getting back exactly what I would like. I decided that I would tell this person what I really needed, though I was unlikely to get it. I decided that I would work toward reconciliation and understanding as long as the other person was willing to talk. And when he was no longer willing to communicate, I decided how much contact I was willing to have with him and on what level our relationship can exist.

By communicating my apology and my feelings and my desire to work through the problem, I actually gained a lot. I practiced my communication skills in a hard emotional situation. I clarified for myself exactly what I was upset about and what my needs were and ways I had contributed to the problem. I identified another instance of a mistake I make reasonably often (letting my temper flare when I feel upset without getting all the facts), and I am working hard to fix it. I got new information about a person that I needed to know (if someone doesn't want to deal with issues, we probably shouldn't be friends). And I get to be proud of my attempts to be virtuous, to handle problems rationally, to express myself honestly, and to work toward integrating my beliefs and my actions.

So really, this communication was not a failure. As long as I strive for good communication, deciding to do the things that I know are right and carrying them out, the process has worked for me, even if it doesn't always work for the relationship. I have been successful with the only part of the process that is in my control.

Podcast #12: The Nature of Children

And we're back! Our longish break from publishing podcasts was mostly unintentional, though once it became clear we would be taking some time off, I suppose we could have written a post to let everyone know. Basically, we just got busy pursuing other values in our lives--grad school, homeschool, vacations, etc. But we missed podcasting, and we have more coming soon, hopefully on a semi-regular basis. Yay!

The Line Up

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): How Jenn handled an ongoing issue with kids not cooperating and being rude (it has to do with going to the pool, so you can tell this was recorded in the summer!)

• Topic: The Nature of Children (begins 8:59)

• Q & A: When did we start using PD with our kids? (begins 32:39)

Most of what we discuss in the Topic section is based on a post written by Kelly called "The Nature of Children." So don't miss that post!

Thanks for listening!

Powered by Podbean.com

link test

Podcast #8: Praise versus Encouragement

And we’re back, after our somewhat longish break! We intend to get back on a more frequent publishing basis for a little while. Our lineup this time:

• Situation of the Week (Jenn): Mom Keeping her Temper FTW! (Decide What You Will Do Positive Discipline Tool Card)

• Topic: Praise versus Encouragement (begins 5:35)

• Q&A: Uncles and Aunts (begins 18:44)

Technical note: Podcast 8 was the last one we recorded using Audacity on a PC (which we then transferred into GarageBand for editing on the Mac). Beginning with Podcast 9, we recorded directly into GarageBand, and we’re hoping that will improve some of the buzzing I keep hearing. At the very least, it will be easier for editing, and Brendan is going to teach Kelly and me how to do more the editing ourselves. Which may–or may not–result in more frequent posting.

As always you can download the podcast episode directly from here, and it should show up in iTunes sometime in the next day.

Powered by Podbean.com

Discussion, Not Debate

(originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I'm still recovering from MiniCon and dealing with tying up loose ends, so my time for blogging is limited just at the moment. So I might be recycling just a bit, please forgive.

A couple of weeks ago, when a certain thread under discussion on the OGrownups list got heated and became a debate, we called a temporary halt to that thread, and then I wrote the following email to the group. The reason I'm posting it here on Rational Jenn is that I'm proud of the email--I really took time in crafting it and I think it's a good bit of writing--and I also think it's good general advice for thinking about communicating with others in various online forums.

Enjoy!

In keeping with a principle from Positive Discipline that my friend Kelly has condensed into the phrase "Yippee Mistakes!" I view the acrimonious debate that occurred a couple days ago as an opportunity for members of our group to learn something new, regroup, and try to improve for the future. Mistakes were made the other day, and I have no wish to rehash them or point fingers (and ask that you refrain from doing so, too). We all make mistakes--I make them all day long. What I'm interested in is how we move forward as a group.

First let me try to explain why. One of the reasons I'm so excited about this group is that it's a real opportunity for us--as Objectivists, parents, educators, caring aunts, uncles, grandparents, and lurkers who might not be in full agreement with Objectivism but who are interested and learning from our discussions--to have the kind of principled discussions about this very, very important area of our lives. I can talk to other moms in my neighborhood or homeschool groups about parenting--and I do--but those people do not share this common philosophical base with me. This group provides a value for me as a parent, a way to talk about these sometimes difficult parenting issues with others who share my values. I hope that others view this in the same way, too.

Some parenting issues are pretty straightfoward and are purely in the realm of optional values. Other issues are much more difficult to decide about, such as whether to have a repeat c-section (to use an example from my own life that some people view as a controversial, and possibly wrong, decision). I want us to be able to talk about these more difficult, possibly controversial, decisions--the morality behind them, the thinking process, our personal context, our values--here on this list. But that will be impossible if such threads degrade into name-calling and accusations.

Diana suggested that we all go back and read a short essay written by Jean Moroney (http://www.oclubs.org/newsletter/a-discussion-is-not-a-debate-how-to-keep-discussions-friendl.html) , and if you haven't yet done so, please do. To summarize a couple of key points:

A debate . . .
. . . is to be won and lost (there is a winning and a losing side)
. . . requires thorough preparation and exactness of definitions and terms

A discussion . . .
. . . is an opportunity to present your thoughts
. . . is more casual, and participants should not be held to the same standards of precision in terms as a formal debate (or other presentation)
. . . will not necessarily change someone's mind (but that's not the purpose)

And of course, discussions are what we want, not debates. (In fact, it's official OList policy, I believe!)

Here are a few more suggestions I have for future discussions on OG:

• Use "I" language. Instead of "Don't be a maroooon" (as Bugs Bunny would say), say "I don't understand your point. Can you clarify further?" or say "I'm confused by this statement . . . ." Instead of deciding that the other person is [insert adjective here] ask a question to find out. "You" statements can put the other person on the defensive (which can turn the discussion into a win-lose debate); "I" statements are non-accusing and invite clarification.

• Focus on making YOUR point rather than refuting someone else's point.

• Consider that this group provides you with an opportunity to A.) say what you think and B.) maybe get someone else thinking about the idea in a new way.

• Give people the benefit of the doubt. We all want to understand these issues and be good parents. Until you have reason to think otherwise, assume positive intent.

• It's not fair to expect people to instantly change their minds about a subject, no matter how brilliant your argument happens to be. So if someone does not immediately come around to your viewpoint, that does not necessarily make him dishonest or irrational, etc. We all recognize the need for thoughtful consideration, introspection, and examination of premises. I don't know about you, but that process often takes me a while, and can't ever be done well when I'm stressed or tense.

• I'm not suggesting anyone refrain from judging. Feel free to judge others, but consider that your personal judgment of someone else's character is not adding to the discussion, particularly if you are interested in trying to persuade others. Stick to the issues--think what you like of the person, but keep that out of the discussion, and tone of your email.

• Keep in mind that most people don't participate in the discussions, but are probably reading them and learning from them. If people are watching a debate, the focus might be on who is going to make the next zinger, and less on the real issue at hand. That might be entertaining (or depressing) when watching politicians debate, but here, we're all trying to figure out how to do the best we can.

• Save retorts and one-upmanship for private emails--honestly, it's fine with me if you want to have an acrimonious debate, just don't do it here.

Here's something I learned in the how-to-teach parenting workshops I took in the last several months: all I can do as the facilitator/presenter is present the material. The learning must be done by the participants and the observers--and I have no control over that. All I can do here on OG is present my viewpoint and evidence for it. Whether or not I change a mind--outside of my control. In a way, knowing this has been freeing to me--I have no pressure to convince anyone. I challenge myself to be clear and have good reasons for the things I say, but that's all.

Finally, remember that we have ALL made mistakes with our children, both major and minor. And remember that a mistake (Yippee Mistakes!) is a chance to reexamine a premise, change, and improve. So I hope we can move forward from here, and get back to discussing the issues that affect us and the children we all love.

Podcast #4: Independence

This week’s podcast features a discussion on the virtue of Independence and how parents can encourage independence of thought and action in children. Here’s the lineup:

• Situation of the Week (Kelly): Handling conflict with a child/choosing battles

• Topic: Independence (begins 5:30)
  

• Q&A: What are some ways to deal with kids interrupting? (begins 19:06)
  

As always, please leave us some feedback in the comments, or email us at cultivatingthevirtues@gmail.com. You can also listen to the podcast by clicking on it just below, or you can visit our podcast home at Podbean and download it directly onto your mp3 player by clicking on the options just below the post.

Powered by Podbean.com

I’m happy that we have finally streamlined our production process (all thanks to Brendan!) and it’s taking much less time for us to edit the raw podcast files. And starting with our next recording session (beginning with Podcast #9, as the first 8 have already been recorded), our process will become easier and quicker because we’ll have access to a Mac laptop. Hoo. Ray.

Many of our listeners have requested that we produce the podcast in iTunes format, and that is definitely on our list of things to do! We’ll make an announcement as soon as we get to that. In the meantime, thanks for listening and thanks for your patience!

Two Things

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

My friend Kelly went and got a trampoline, and we are planning to jump on it this afternoon. I told the kids that we'd need to pick up a bit around here before we left, since the mess had reached epic proportions, and I simply didn't want to deal with it when we returned. Originally, I told them that was the only thing I needed before we left for Kelly's.

Turns out, I need two things: some help picking up, and patience. :o)

Upon discovering this about myself, I told them I'd need to amend our agreement--help picking up AND some patience for me would be required before we could leave. The longer this takes, the less time we'll have to spend jumping.

Things that suck away my patience include: having to interrupt my work to make the teasing and shrieking stop, and being Repeaty. I am in control of how often I repeat things, true. So now all I am saying is "I feel Repeaty! My Patience is going away!"

I am getting the most willing, and least arguing, help from them in a very, very long while!

Limiting Myself

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

So much of the focus in the realm of child discipline falls under the category "Setting Limits." (Other categories might include "Communication/Negotiation" and "Managing Emotions.") Usually when I think, talk, or write about Setting Limits, I'm referring to the process of the parent setting a necessary limit for the child.

A recent example of my setting a limit for Morgan is when she wanted to jump all over the sidewalk outside a busy shopping mall, jumping toward traffic. I myself would have had a heart attack if I'd been driving a car and saw a small child jumping TOWARD the street as I was passing by. I set the limit by shooting out my arm reflexively, preventing her from jumping so near the edge of the sidewalk. (She got knocked down, too, which was not my intent--my arm had a mind of its own.) She stayed away from the edge after that!

I'm learning there's another way to set limits that is necessary (not to mention effective) in discipline. And that's when I set a limit on my own behavior.

Sometimes I do this by taking a Mommy Time Out, which is when I'm feeling really mad and verging on getting out of control (for me, this manifests itself in the Ranty Yelling that everyone is so fond of :/ ). So I'll say, uh, loudly, "I'm feeling mad! I'm going to go upstairs and sit in my room until I'm feeling more in control!" This really works for me--I can have a few minutes of peace to regain my composure, get my brain back into problem-solving mode (much more preferable to fire and brimstone mode), and models a good self-control behavior for the kids to boot. I'm getting better at using the Mommy Time Out, and I really don't need to do it very often.

But I'm becoming a fan of a new self-limiting technique: Deciding What I Will Do. When I'm frustrated with a situation--usually something with multiple occurrences over a period of time (spur-of-the-moment problems result in the Mommy Time Out self-limit)--I am learning to refocus my efforts on what I am willing to do, what I can control--my own behavior--as opposed to the kids' behavior.

We've been having issues with getting people all loaded up into the car to go somewhere. Now I usually do try to Find the Funny in these situations, but when I'm having trouble getting out the door a few times a day for several days, the humor wears thin and frustration bubbles to the surface. I begin to anticipate that we WILL have a problem, putting a chip on my shoulder about it before I've even uttered the words "We're leaving in 15 minutes!" (Not a good way to approach a situation where problem-solving may be necessary.)

About a week ago, after a Get in the Car problem was "solved" by my shouting "GET IN THE CAR!!!" I decided to get a grip on MY part of the problem. I actually sat down and asked myself these questions:

Why did I shout?

Because I felt like nobody was listening. Louder = Harder to Ignore, right?


Why is this situation so frustrating to me?

Because I'm repeating myself so many times and we really need to get out the door.


And the most important question: What is something about this situation that is in MY control?

The number of times I choose to repeat myself.

This was quite an epiphany. I do NOT have to repeat myself a zillion times and raise my blood pressure. Seems kind of obvious now. :o)


So what can I do to limit MY behavior?

I thought about this for a while. I decided that I will give up to two reminders. I will do my very best to make sure I have their attention when I give those reminders, but after that, I'm done.


What will happen as a result of this new limit?

It depends on why we need to leave the house. If I say my two reminders and nobody gets in the car, then an obvious result would be that we just don't go. And that is okay, if the person who is dawdling or resisting is the person we're leaving the house for--if we're taking Ryan to taekwondo, for example. If he refuses to cooperate, then he doesn't go.

But it's not fair to Ryan if he has to miss his activity when Morgan is the one who is refusing to get ready to go. In those situations, I decided that I would simply physically put the person in the car (kindly, without yelling or ranting) and we can stay in the car after we reach our destination to recover from the inevitable sadness.

Now when I am the one who needs to do something, such as run an errand, I'll have to evaluate whether or not I'd like to go to the store with one or more kids possibly having a big fit. If I think they will be able to recover from the indignity of being put into the car against their will, then I'll go ahead with the plan. If not, then we won't go. Not fair to me--no. But sometimes preferable to having everyone wigging out when I'm trying to accomplish something, especially if we're in a public place. I can express my feelings about it though. And if we are lacking in favorite snacks because we couldn't get in the car to go to the grocery store, then so be it. And we can always try again a little later, when everyone is in a better frame of mind. Do Overs are always an option.

So this all sounded like a good plan to me when I thought it up. I told Ryan and Morgan about my Only Repeating Things Twice Rule, explaining that two was my upper limit, not a standard (since I don't want them to get in the habit of waiting for that second reminder). They seemed to understand what I was saying about not enjoying losing my temper after being frustrated by constantly repeating myself, and that I was trying to focus on what I could do about that situation. (My Two Reminders Rule goes for other situations, too, not just when we need to load up in the car.)

My new plan was really put to the test the other morning though. Ryan was resisting getting ready for taekwondo, and they were really cutting it close in order to get there on time. The rule is that if any student is more than 5 minutes late to class, that student doesn't get to go. I've actually seen kids get turned away for being too late. To be fair to the students who are in the gym on time, they don't like for there to be interruptions that occur from late-arrivals. This is a rule that all of the students are quite aware of.

Well, Ryan was just fooling around over breakfast that morning and couldn't seem to get his uniform on. Brendan and his mom were going to take him, so I wasn't going anyway. I reminded Ryan once to get his uniform on, once, twice, and nearly a third time before I remembered my limit. WOW. Was it HARD not to say anything else! Brendan came through with a couple of other reminders--but that's up to him, how many times he reminds.

I did mention the 5 minute rule (that being a different reminder than the uniform reminder). I mentioned it only once to Ryan though. After that, I sat and squirmed and fought against my desire to do almost anything to make sure he made it to class in time. I was surprised at how much I wanted Ryan not to miss taekwondo. I knew he would be sad if he was turned away, and no parent enjoys seeing their child sad about something.

Still. I didn't say anything. They did get out the door and made it to class, barely in time. Now that I've had practice at not saying anything, and the experience of the overwhelming desire TO say something so that the kid will get what he wants, I think I'll be better prepared to keep to my personal limit and let the consequences fall where they may. I suspect he'll have to experience missing class at least once, and that will be hard, but it will be his decision and his responsibility.

It was a funny situation because I am usually so grumpy about repeating myself. When I'm in a Grumpy Moment, I really don't care if somebody misses something. But since I prevented myself from getting to the grumpy point, I had the opportunity to be all sympathetic. Strange feeling. So hard not to give them what they want and let them have what they need. [Insert Rolling Stones here.]

This thinking about my own limits has been a good exercise for me. I like doing it because it helps me focus on MY needs, which I sometimes forget to do in the shuffle, which adds to the grumpiness. And it helps the kids realize that I have needs. If I don't speak up and tell them "This is what I'm going to do because I want/need something...." then they will probably not realize that I even have needs or desires.

Because in their view--and this is only kind of a joke--I'm MOM, not an actual person. :o) Now I know the baby doesn't understand this distinction, having only recently grasped the idea that he and I are separate entities, but the other two are beginning to get that Mom-as-such is not who I am. I am Jenn, who happens to be their Mommy. I know it's a hard distinction and it may very well take each of them reaching adulthood to fully realize it, but they're not going to get it if I never mention it!

Now, shortly after I figured all of this Setting My Own Limits thing out on my own, my Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards arrived in the mail! If you don't recall, this is a little deck of 52 cards, each describing or defining a Positive Discipline principle. The Tool Cards were developed by Jane Nelsen and Adrian Garsia and are brand new. (I get nothing from mentioning these--just passing along the info!) The idea is that you choose one card about once a week and focus on improving that particular parenting skill. Not that you don't use other PD techniques, of course.

So I was flipping through the deck of cards and whaddya know? One of the cards is called: "Decide What You Will Do." The principle on the card is:

"Decide what you will do instead of trying to make children do what you want them to do."

And that's what I did! So this particular idea has been my parenting focus for the last few days. I think what I'll do is share with you which idea I'm working on improving, and talking about it a little bit on the blog. It will help me retain this focus, and since writing on the blog is a way for me to introspect about my particular parenting experiences, I think making this exercise into a semi-regular blog feature will serve me well. Because I have needs, too!!!! :o)

So--thoughts on the Setting My Own Limits thing? I have other techniques that will help us get out the door, too--using the kitchen timer as the Keeper of Time will help, for example.

Also, what about the PD Tool Card semi-regular feature? I've got a whole stack of cards with issues I certainly could improve on. What I was thinking of doing is sharing the idea on the card first, and then do a follow up post with my successes and failures.

And now I'm off to tackle the other things on my To Do list!

The One About Potty Training

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

A couple of you have asked about potty training and Positive Discipline and how that whole thing went down around here. I'm not sure I have any particular wisdom to share in this realm, since we have yet to have a smooth transition to the potty. But I'll share anyway, and perhaps you will learn from my mistakes!

I've heard of those kids who sort of potty train themselves and within a few days or weeks, after some miscalculations, mistakes, and messes, they're set! I even know several of these kids in person, so I know for a fact the existence of such creatures is not merely the stuff of playgroup mythology. Sadly for us, neither of our potty-trained children were these children.

Hmph.

The first time Ryan showed any interest at all in using the potty, he was 3 and Morgan was about 10 days old. I often wonder what would have happened if I had sucked it up--new baby, c-section post-op, and all--and just tried to get him going that very first time, if we could have avoided some of the stress and misery that lay in front of us. Oh well.

Flash forward about 9 months. Ryan, quickly approaching his 4th birthday, still had yet to do anything in a potty (outside of using it to store his trucks). I had really wanted him to initiate the potty training process, believing (and still do) that it's better to undertake such a project when the kid actually wants to do it.

We had done everything the experts recommend to prepare and encourage him: read potty books, placed the little potty in a convenient location, talked to him about it, put him on the potty whenever he looked like he needed to go. Not once did it work, and he resisted. But we were quickly growing impatient at having to change his diapers, particularly when he was so resistant to the diaper-changing process, too! (He was a very challenging 3 year old.)

So we had some more talks and bought exciting Spider-Man underwear and "toilet targets" and all of those other things you are supposed to do, declared "No more diapers!" because I'd read that sometimes such a declaration will nudge the little, ah, pooper along. After three days of absolutely no success, we decided to wait a little while longer.

And we went through this every month until he was nearly 4.

I was determined not to bribe him to use the potty, but I did break down at one point and gave him something (can't remember just what) after a few successes. But then the first time I didn't reward him, he looked at me and actually said "Well then why should I use the potty?" and peed his pants. Taught me a lesson about bribing him, that's for sure!

We cleaned up messes calmly for the most part, but I must admit that after a while, it was just SO HARD to stay calm every time. This was one of those "Why is he doing this TO ME?" things for me. I took it so personally--and I really can't say why. It just made me so mad. He is so bright and intelligent--why couldn't he get this? What was wrong with me? What had I done wrong? Was there something wrong with him? This was me, not at my PD parenting best, and even though I never hit him or put him in time out or any of those other punishing things--I punished him by my behavior--yelling and threatening and being too upset. Not only was he unhappy, I was unhappy with myself. :o(

It was so frustrating! He didn't seem to care that the other kids in his gymnastics and soccer classes were out of diapers. He didn't seem to care that he made a mess. He didn't seem to care that he was wet or poopy. And then I think it occurred to me one day--he didn't seem to care because he didn't care. And he wouldn't do it unless he really truly did care. Seems so obvious, doesn't it? Once I came to that place, it was easier overall to deal with it. I was able to get a handle on my own frustration and get back to approaching this in a more positive way.

So we kept on encouraging and talking about it--not every second, but when it seemed a natural time to bring it up, like when he followed one of us into the bathroom. Brendan showed him some guy techniques and I think he might have been mildly interested in that. :o) We had the potty out in the family room so he could get there easily and so it wouldn't interrupt his work too much.

The thing that finally got him motivated was his sudden interest in swimming lessons. Every program I looked into for 4 year olds and up required the kid to be potty trained. One mention of that requirement combined with his own actual real true desire--suddenly he wanted to! And he finally did. There were the usual miscalculations, mistakes, and messes, and within a few weeks, he did it!

What a relief! But what I didn't know is that there's no guarantee they'll stay potty trained. Huh? Yup.

I had always viewed potty training as a process with a definitive end result--someone who no longer needs diapers. Once the kid has reached that point, you're "done," right?

For the next 2 years almost, Ryan would experience bouts of potty regression. Just when I'd get comfortable leaving the house without backup pants, he'd start forgetting. A lot. He also developed a tendency to withhold his bowel movements, which fortunately, did NOT turn into true encopresis (which is a medical issue that can take years to clear up). The long and short of it is that he needed constant reminders to stop what he was doing and take care of his bodily functions. Constant. In particular, if he had been withholding, we'd make him sit on the potty every few hours for a couple of days to reestablish his "routine" again.

I can now confidently say that he's potty trained! And what we now know about Ryan is this: he does NOT want to interrupt his cerebral activities to take care of physical needs. This has been true in the potty realm and remains true about eating and drinking, too. We make sure he poops once a day--which he needs to do but still seems to delay until the end of the day sometimes--because he's too busy to stop! We also make him stop to rehydrate when he's playing outside on a hot day. We make him stop and eat something because he gets really cranky when he doesn't. The kid has a really hard time stopping, and that's just how he is. And now we know that! So what Brendan and I must do for this child is help him recognize the signals of his body, help him attend to them before things get too dire, and understand why it's important to take care of your body.

Now Morgan is a different story--but it's a shorter one, so bear with me! A few months before she turned 3, she announced to us that she'd be using the potty now. We were flying out of town that weekend, so we told her she could start once we got back from our trip, since I didn't want a brand new potty trainer at the airport. After my experience with Ryan, I was nervous about not taking the opportunity the moment it presented itself, but it couldn't really be helped.

We returned from our trip, set up the potty, and had a few days of Zero Success. I was disheartened, but determined not to make a big deal of it, since she was A.) interested and B.) actually doing something in the potty, and C.) a whole year younger than Ryan was when he trained. Sure enough, about a month later, she announced to us again that she was ready to try.

And after a few weeks of the usual miscalculations, mistakes, and messes, she was trained! Just before her third birthday, too. I couldn't believe it. And I was pretty excited, too, since the baby wasn't due for 3 more months, I figured her potty habits would have plenty of time to become ingrained and we wouldn't have to worry about that New Baby Potty Regression I had always heard about.

Hmph.

After Sean was born, Morgan did not act jealous; she did not try to jump on my lap every time I held the baby; she did not drop a shoe on his head (a classic Ryan maneuver). She was a wonderful, attentive, helpful Big Sister. Except for one. little. thing.

She completely and utterly stopped using the potty. She didn't go back to Square One--she reverted to Square Zero. And just in time for our big road trip to the beach! I hated to do it, but we did put her back in Pullups for that big trip, explaining that we just wouldn't be able to stop so many times for "let's just see" potty breaks. I just couldn't do it, not with a brand new baby, too (of course, we were careful not to make the baby the reason we couldn't stop).

And then she took a page out of Ryan's book, and the last 6 months or so have been a tale of starts and stops, a few weeks here, a few weeks there. Because of my experience with Ryan, I have handled it much, much better than I did with him, but there have been times with that old "Why are you doing this TO ME?" feeling would creep up and I've gotten upset with her. And then I'd remind myself to Assume Positive Intent and apologize to her and we'd all try again. With Morgan in particular, I've noticed an inverse correlation between my level of upsetness and her inclination to use the potty. So I've really learned to relax.

The last two months have been excellent, and while I still do take backup clothes for her most places we go, she has been very reliable. But I haven't really let my guard down all the way yet. :o)

Here are things I've learned, and hopefully will remember to apply them to Sean when it's his time:

• It really goes easier when the child is the one wanting to train, although, it's okay not to wait forever.
  

• There might be no definitive moment in time when the child is officially trained.

• Patience.

• Bribery backfired on us.

• Don't take it personally.

• Also, don't take it personally.

• If they are not successful, try to identify why--for me, it was so helpful to identify Ryan's not wanting to interrupt his work for ANYTHING, not just the potty. (I now know him much better than I did, and so I suppose that's the silver lining to this tale.)

• Feel them out before using the "You're a Big Kid" statement as a way to encourage them. Ryan hated that whole idea. Morgan LOVED the concept, and would proudly exclaim, "I'm a Big Girl!"
  

• Girls really need extra wiping help for a long time--Miss M keeps developing something called "vaginitis" which is similar to a diaper rash and is really painful.

• Give them towels so they can help clean up messes, just as they do when they spill drinks, etc. That's something they can be involved in.
  

• Buy tons and tons and tons of underwear. Save the fancy ones for after you're mostly sure they've got the idea (but be aware that you'll probably be going through those pretty quickly, too.)

• Buying fancy "kid" handsoap has encouraged handwashing, but stay away from the brand (can't remember--Huggies maybe? I go by the bottle) that has the "neon" colors because they stain. Especially the purple kind.
  

• Read all of those books and stash little potties everywhere and talk about it and learn the boy tricks and do all of those things you're supposed to do, because they really do help.

• Be sure to celebrate their accomplishment! They should be proud and you can share in it.
  

And never forget the wisdom of this time-honored Mommy mantra: This, too, shall pass.

More On Choosing Battles

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave comments on my The Art of War for Parents post. It generated some good discussion, and that's always interesting and beneficial to me.

My friend Kelly asked a couple of good questions that helped me clarify a distinction between using force to help a child do something (like stop before running into traffic) and Mom refusing to do something (like go upstairs to retrieve socks). After thinking about this issue for a while, I came up an analogy (from the comments):

Kelly--regarding the earlier comments, here's an analogy I came up with today. Let me know what you think.

Sometimes as a Mom I have to be like the Unstoppable Force--the one who must force the kid to do something against his will. (With rational parameters around when to do this, of course.)

Other times, when I'm setting a limit on something I will or will not do, I'm more like the Immovable Object. I'm not forcing the kid, but rather, choosing not to budge about something.

Both kinds of scenarios might involve in Battles, and I think both require rational parameters and reevaluation of whether the Battle is worth fighting.

The not going upstairs is me as the IO; the forcing into a carseat is the UF.

Two sides of the same coin? Maybe? Think I'm getting closer anyway, and I definitely mixed up the examples I used.

What do you think?

Also, as I was contemplating this distinction, I realize that I'm a better parent in the Mom-as-Unstoppable-Force situations than I am when I'm Mom-as-the-Immovable-Object. When I'm drawing a line in the sand, sometimes I get caught up in Not Budging and I forget to reevaluate whether there's a good reason for doing so. Some kind of Stonewall Mommy thing. (That's merely an interesting insight into my own personal self; YMMV, of course!)

Then Kelly said the following about the UF/IO distinction, which I thought was very insightful:

I think one super important thing for parents to contemplate about these two states is the consequence of doing it at inappropriate times or too often. Using force too often or unfairly leads to children who aren't independent and who feel resentment. Refusing to do things to help too much or with cruel intentions leads to children who don't feel loved and cared for. Both things are absolutely necessary, but should be used incredibly sparingly.

Wasn't that well put? And I completely agree. Thoughts? And by the way, in case it wasn't clear, disagreements are welcome in the comments! Hearing other points of view is always helpful to me.

One of Those Mornings

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

Ryan and I are having some disagreements this morning.

His point: "Why should YOU get to tell me what to do?" (A common theme of late.)

My point: "You are not speaking kindly to Morgan, or sharing the pieces of this toy as we agreed, and messed up her project. Now you are speaking so loudly that Sean will wake up. Morgan gets to share that toy and Sean needs to sleep and I'm reminding you that the others in this house deserve space and sleep."

I think that was a good way to explain it, don't you? And I remained calm, and you know what? He saw my point. Grumpily, begrudgingly, he has conceded my point and is behaving a bit nicer toward all of us and leaving Morgan alone and has quieted down.

I'm writing this post as a reminder to my future self and also as a way to stay calm.

One of the hardest things for me about having more than one child is balance. Being stuck with a nursing baby who is falling asleep, I'm in no position to do "Get Off Your Butt Parenting." Which is very necessary. Kids need to know that what you are asking is important enough that you are willing to stop what you are doing to go over and make sure it happens.

GOYBP means that you don't just say "Stop hitting!" twenty times from across the room. You stand up and walk over and help someone stop hitting. Or start sharing. Or talk about a plan for watching movies. Or help leave the room when they're being too loud.

Sleeping babes are not very conducive to GOYBP. So I'm left with my words--which are effective much of the time. Or I have to choose to let something go. Or sometimes, Sean has to take one for the team when he gets awakened by the ensuing commotion of my handling an issue.

And it's not just sleeping babies (although that's a common thing around here these days). It's a kid who needs comforting because she fell, but someone else is about to do something more harmful and needs to be stopped (teetering on a barstool in front of the freezer, for an example). Or a couple of kids fighting over a toy, but someone else needs help in the bathroom. Or a baby screaming because he doesn't want to be sitting alone on the floor, but there's another child screaming in frustration that her computer game isn't working.

You know, stuff like that. I feel like Keanu Reeves in Speed: Everyone is melting at once, someone needs wiping, the baby just blew out a diaper, the milk has spilled and you yourself really need to pee. What do you do? What do you DO? :o)

It often seems that I have to choose one child's needs over another's, even when they are both legitimate needs. It's hard, because if I've just been through an onslaught of having to make such choices, I feel drained and stressed that I couldn't be everything to everyone at the same time. I know that that's okay--and really, we're all just fine--that dealing with the fact that sometimes you need to wait for Mom and/or solve the problem on your own is a fine thing to learn. But, oh, in the moment--it's hard for all of us!

Thanks for listening. Like I said--this post is mostly for me, for the future. And to help me keep calm and focus on handling things they way I'd prefer to, which I did. And to remind me that this, too, shall pass. :o)

And all is harmonious once again here at the Casey Castle!

Mommy-Jedi Mind Trick

Cool! I just pulled off the Mommy version of the Jedi mind trick on Ryan. He's a good liar, he is. M wanted to play a certain game for the Leapster that had somehow "gone missing" and he looked me straight in the eye and said he had no idea where it was.

I just stared at him for a second and asked him point-blank if he was hiding it.

"No," says he.

"Because I will find out the truth." With just ever-so-slight an emphasis on the word "will."

"Weellll . . . I have been keeping it in my pocket. Here it is."

It was so weird. And cool! Oh I'm giddy and drunk on my own power! :o)