Acceptance and Parenting: Revisiting An Old Post Cause I Still Haven't Got It Through My Thick Skull

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

This morning I said, "Hey Livy, when I get back from work in an hour and a half, do you want to go out and do something cool? Maybe the zoo or the botanical gardens? Something really fun?" Her answer was, "No, mom. We always go out and do fun stuff. I just want to stay home and play my computer games today."

Well, I was super disappointed. Staying home sucks. Why, oh why, did I get such a stick in the mud child who wants to do boring stuff like computer games when we could be out and about enjoying life? What kind of a weird person likes to stay home? What's wrong with her? What have I done wrong to make her this way?

Now, when I begin to bewail the attributes of my child and question my entire parenting philosophy, it might be time to take a deep breath and practice some acceptance. So, I reframed. I remembered that it is okay for other people (gasp! even my child) to be different from me. I thought of all the cool introverts I know who really do like to stay home and engage in solitary sorts of pursuits, and I remembered that those are the people likely to cure cancer or write the great American novel. I thought about my own selfish needs; perhaps I need to get out more by myself? And then I dug this old post out of the vaults. It was true when I wrote it; it is true now; and reading it again made me feel more relaxed and accepting of who my child is. (It was also a nice plus to see that, though she isn't much more interested, Livy has learned to read since this post.)

Here's the old post, entitled Mustering Up the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot (and Should Not) Change:

I've been thinking today about acceptance being a key aspect of good parenting. I think we all have a tendency to want our children to share our favorite personality traits with us, our likes and dislikes, and our talents. It's natural; we want our children to be like us and to be people we have lots in common with. But I think we really must keep this desire in check. We do not get to create people in our own image. Instead, we have to nurture the people we get.

I am a reader, big time. I read all the time - trashy pulp novels, great classics, and everything in between. I find it incredibly hard to relax about Livy's lack of interest in books. She doesn't want to learn to read right now, and she isn't too interested in hearing me read books to her. She enjoys it sometimes, but not like I do. I have to remind myself often that Livy isn't me; she will be her own kind of person. There are good people, happy, rational people, who aren't readers the way that I am.

Another example is how she is a homebody. I love to go out places all the time. In my perfect world, I would only be home long enough to get the basic chores done, and then I would go out again. Livy, on the other hand, would rather stay home most of the day. She likes to play quietly in her room a lot, and that's okay. I have to remind myself that there are lots of happy, rational people who are introverts and enjoy their time at home very much.

I guess what I mean is this: Our children are not ours for molding. They come equipped with talents, likes, and dislikes, and it is not our business as parents to go changing those things. It is only our business to help them learn what they like and dislike and the skills to use THEIR talents to accomplish THEIR goals.

Tool Card Update: Letting Go

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

I’m a little behind in my update for the Letting Go card, and with the traveling behind me and traveling ahead of me, this update will have to suffice as my parenting post for the week. Back to semi-regular PD Tool Card posts beginning next week!

I tried to step off the Mommy Hovercraft over the last week or two, and I think I was mostly successful in doing that. For me, “Letting Go” means leaving the kids alone to do certain tasks AND leaving them alone to handle their own affairs. I generally tried to be mindful of IF my assistance was truly needed and desired and then sat on my hands calmly remained in the background until I was called upon.

This Letting Go is something that I am usually pretty conscious of, because if I didn’t keep this issue in the forefront of my mind, I really could turn into one of those helicopter mommies. And when I sit back and let the kids interact with reality without my help or interpretation, they usually surprise the heck out of me with the range of their capabilities and the amount of their resilience.

This turned out to be an excellent week for this exercise, since we spent an unusual amount of time working on household projects, doing things that don’t normally come up in our every day lives. Brendan has been cleaning out the basement, which desperately needed it, and also cleaned out the garage. This is in preparation for his moving out of his office since he’s going to be on-site with his new job. We need a place to keep all of his crap stuff. And since his job isn’t going to start for another few weeks, this was the week to do this work.

Here’s an important way in which I Let Go of Ryan and Morgan—they spent much time downstairs with Brendan, working, and I really have no idea what it was they were doing. Morgan certainly did less actual work than Ryan, but both were in the basement sweeping and scraping off the concrete walls and hauling things to the dumpster and wiping things down and I don’t even know just what else. See? The Me Not Knowing is important here, because usually I’m so nosy I need to know everything.

Of course I knew they were just fine with Brendan and he was keeping an eye on them, but Brendan and I sometimes don’t see eye-to-eye about which tools the kids ought to be using, for example. If it had been solely up to me, they’d never use the pruning shears, because I would have just shot that idea down immediately. Brendan, who has less trouble Letting Go than I do, was the one who realized that this was a tool they could handle with proper training and supervision. And I’m glad he did—even though, yes, I tried to talk him out of it initially—because it allowed me to see for myself what the kids are capable of.

(This is a good time to briefly mention a topic I’ve been meaning to bring up for a while—that of differences in parenting styles. Brendan doesn’t always do and say the exact things I would. I know, right? And that’s okay. I think each parent needs to establish his/her own independent relationship with the kids, and differences in styles are not only inevitable, they are enriching. Of course it’s easier if both parents share the same general parenting principles, and if that’s true, then differences in application shouldn’t matter in the long run.)

I was able to Let Go in other ways, too. In addition to all manner of house project activities which they participated in but of which I have little knowledge:

• Morgan and Ryan played on a playground for hours with dozens of other kids and we mommies didn’t watch them every second. We all sat by the one entrance to bounce any wanderers back into the gated play area, but what they did exactly at the playground wasn’t closely supervised by any of us. We gave them general guidelines (“Stay in the gated area. We’ll be over here.”) and then they were off.
• Morgan and Ryan also played outside our house for hours—until it was past dark--with neighborhood kids, and only occasionally checked in with us.
• Ryan is beginning to want to play by himself in his room—I wonder if this is a new age/stage for him. He did who-knows-what up there off and on all week. :o)
• Sean climbed and bounced those ottomans all week long without serious injury, or indeed, even a fall.
• Sean used a broom to “sweep” and generally wandered around the garage work area, getting dirty, and into real tools. I removed a chisel from him, mostly because I didn’t want him to continue gouging the walls of the garage, but in general, he was allowed to play with almost anything. Of course I watched him like a hawk, but I didn’t interfere until it was necessary.
• Sean is growing more capable and skillful each day, as he’s figuring things out, so I allowed him to be the Door Master most of the week, and he thinks that’s super fun (front door, refrigerator door, dishwasher door, etc.).

All in all, a good week. As I said, this is something I am constantly working on, because I believe that too much interference by mom is actually detrimental to the child. The trick is figuring out where the line falls, when a situation goes from wait-and-see to jump-on-in.

PD Tool Card: Letting Go

(Originally posted at Rational Jenn)

This week's Positive Discipline Tool Card is about how NOT to be a helicopter parent. One of my personal parenting goals. It's called "Letting Go."

Letting go does not mean abandoning your child. It means allowing your child to learn responsibility and to feel capable.

Kids can't be responsible or feel capable if Mom or Dad does things for them every time. Or even if they help every time.

It's difficult to know when your help is truly needed and when it's time for you to stay the heck out of things. Very difficult. Part of the difficulty for me is due to the fact that I'm so used to their dependency. They need me for lots of legitimate things. And I'm obligated to provide for those needs. So I am constantly asking myself: "Why am I doing this thing? Does he need me to do this, really? Is there a real risk that actual harm will come to him or someone else or property if he tries to do this independently?"

Just today, Sean climbed up onto the ottoman and stood up. He bounced a bit, enjoying the feel of standing on cushioned upholstery. He bounced harder, and grinned that Toddler Grin (you know the one I mean). He walked close to the edge, so I took him off. Of course, he climbed back up and I asked myself those questions above, and decided that I would sit back and let him explore. If he fell, he wouldn't get too hurt, just a foot or two off of the carpeted floor, away from sharp objects. And you know what? He didn't even fall. He played and bounced and grinned. When he got bored, he got off and wandered away. I think he felt capable and proud, as evidenced by that Toddler Grin. :o)

With the jobs I described earlier today, I have to do the same thing. Figure out if there's any rational reason I shouldn't let them do something. If not, then I will provide instructions if necessary, and then step back. Yes, I was biting my nails the whole time Morgan was pruning the tree. But she did just fine, respected the rules for using that particular tool (no dancing, for example, and yes--that was something I had to explain), and had a glorious time. She felt capable and she was indeed responsible.

The other reason I think it's difficult to let kids go is simply because you want to protect them from harm, physical or otherwise. It is HARD to watch a new climber slide down the stairs. It is HARD to watch a child screaming in frustration (yet insisting that he be independent) because the screwdriver keeps slipping out of the screw. It is HARD when they get their feelings hurt.

But such experiences are a part of life. Over-protecting children from every little bump and bruise and heartache and frustration robs them of the chance to learn how to deal with these things in a rational way. Childhood is their time to practice and prepare for being independent adults. So when bad things happen, why not look at those times as opportunities to practice coping or problem-solving skills? At the very least, you can hug them while they cry--and that's a good thing to learn, too. That the people who care about you will comfort you when you're sad.

So this week, I'll be reminding myself to Step Away from the Children, so that they can be more responsible and more capable. I think I'll have shorter nails by the end of the week, though! :o)

By the way, I LOVE #4 on the Tool Card:

Get a life so your identity doesn't depend on managing your child's life.

YES! Especially when they are really small, and your time is consumed by caring for their physical needs (feeding, sleeping, etc.), it's important to keep in mind that you, too, are a separate individual who needs to be independent from the kids. While the kids are learning to be independent and pursue their rational self-interest, it's a good idea to model that by pursuing your own. :D

My Livy Vision

originally posted at Reepicheep's Coracle

My dear friend RationalJenn and I were talking today about what we envision our kids being when they are grown. I thought it might be interesting for you guys to know the things I am aiming for in my parenting. Here's what I would like Livy to be at, say, age 21:

I want her to be aware of what she likes to do and what she is good at doing, and I want her to have the skills it takes to begin her career. I want her to have the social skills necessary to maintain good romantic relationships and friendships. I also want her to be able to deal with bosses, coworkers, and random people in the world. I want her to be virtuous (honest, integrated, rational, independent, productive, just, and prideful) because I want her to be able to be happy. I want her to have a good understanding of herself (her personality, strengths, weaknesses, etc) and be working to make herself the best person she can be. I want her to be physically healthy and know how to maintain her health with good nutrition and exercise and sleep. I want her to be able to set goals and work to achieve them. I want her to have a layman's understanding of Objectivism and use it to guide her life.

Here are the things I don't care a lick if she does (I'm not opposed to them, just don't think they are for everyone, and she'll have to decide for herself):

I don't care if she goes to college, gets an apprenticeship, starts a business of her own, or travels the world for a while before settling down. I don't care if she's gay or straight or bi or an introvert with a tight knit group or an extrovert with a huge group, I just want her to be able to have healthy, satisfying relationships with those she chooses to be with. I don't care what her particular optional values are. She doesn't have to be a reader or a liberally educated person or like science. She doesn't have to like my music; she can like thrash metal is she wants to.

I guess this is one more post that should be labeled "minding my own business parenting." What things Livy chooses to pursue are not my business; I will be delighted if she is happy and rational.